I'm happy.
Really happy.
All is right in my world...
The man I love is not with me tonight, but his heart is.
My career is soaring! A meeting in the next 2 weeks is looking like a life-changing event! Can you say "MILLIONS"???
I can :) :) :)
And I'm being super-conservative because "millions" isn't the word that was used.
It actually sounded the same, but started with a "b".
I'm happy.
I want to remember this feeling for the rest of my life.
Dear Dad,
With this open letter to cyberspace, I tell you goodbye.
For 34 years you dragged me down to the lowest depths of emotional turmoil. You rewarded me and praised me when I let you control my life and did exactly as you thought best and punished and berated and humiliated me when I made a decision you disagreed with.
I have had a miserable life.
For 1 year, we have not spoken. You hurt me one final time and we had words and that was the end of it. The past year has been the best year of my life.
As a child, I remember you beating me within an inch of my life for going on the stairs in roller skates and kicking out at another child after you had forbidden me to go near the stairs. I don't remember much about the beating itself, though I recall my mother feeding me tea and toast in bed because I was unable to get up.
It's the only beating I remember but as a child, I was the only kid who was happy her parents were divorced.
You learned to hurt far more with words than with hands.
I remember as a pre-teen how much I hated spending a weekend with you because you would make fun of me over a pimple. You teased me and humiliated me worse than any schoolmates ever did.
You gave me my first car. A 1979 Fiat with no floorboards. It was 1990. The car broke down every day. When I got a flat tire, the car had to be totalled because you had welded the tire to the car.
I remember babysitting my half-sister and finding cocaine in a coat pocket.
When I was 14, my 2 year old half-sister walked into the room and aimed a handgun at me and said "bang" because you didn't bother to lock up your weapons. When I got upset, you laughed. It was hilarious to you.
Also when I was 14 you explained to me over lunch how you may have to go to prison because you had been busted for dealing drugs. You protested your innocence ("I only counted the money!")
I believe I was 16 when you were arrested for possession of a stolen dune buggy.
Every weekend I spent with you, you had me roll massive amounts of change telling me it was my college fund, yet the day I took you to my college finance meeting, you stuck me in a student loan and advised me to not spend more than I could afford.
In my high school job at Target, you came in when I worked the refund counter and made me return bogus items.
You mocked every gift I ever gave you. I hated shopping for you. (Don't expect a Father's Day present, buddy.)
At one of my first "real" jobs, my boss repeatedly complained about his "insane neighbor" who would stand outside and scream profanities. When I brought pictures into the office, he saw one of you and I and said "That's my neighbor!". Again, humilation...
A year later I went to work at a law firm. One attorney I worked for recognized my last name. He had defended you in the drug charges. I was ashamed. I quit.
When I was 18, my mother got cancer. I was terrified and postponed college. You stopped speaking to me for nearly 6 months just after telling me I would be a worthless piece of shit for not going to college. You never graduated high school. Pot. Kettle.
I watched you call my 8-year old sister a whore in front of all of her friends because you hated what she was wearing. You told her friends they were assholes for hanging out with her.
When my 9 year old sister told me "Dad says he hopes I don't grow up to be a big blimp like you" and I confronted you in tears - rather than apologize, you punished her for telling me and called her a liar.
When I worked for you, you verbally abused me daily. For any mistake I was called names.
You threw my 14 year old sister out of the house and I had to take her in and raise her through her high school graduation. I turned her life around and you took the credit for it.
You divorced my stepmother when she became terminally ill and told me you didn't want to get stuck with her medical bills - but not before I told you I knew you had a girlfriend on the side.
You had me evicted from your brother-in-laws home so you could move into it rent-free.
When my fiancee got busted cheating on me and I was devastated you told me to suck it up because "all men cheat and only the stupid ones get caught but women can't cheat because they are too emotional".
When I prematurely delivered my 2nd child who died at birth, you never showed up at the hospital.
When I started talking to my ex-fiancee again 6 months later as a friend, you disowned me despite the fact you once pushed me to marry him. You told me I wasn't a fit mother because of this decision, despite the fact that I am a single mother who is doing a damned fine job raising an incredible child.
We haven't spoken since and I have never been happier. You are dead to me and I am thankful every day you don't exist in my world. I am free.
Don't come back. Ever.
Don't send me messages through my sister because someone called you and asked for me and it pissed you off.
Stay dead to me.
Regards,
DQC
I have been in love before. Of that I have no doubt.
I loved Brad. I certainly loved my family. Without question I love my daughter.
But Jeff...
Wow.
How many tears have I shed? How many broken hearts because of him? How long have I waited?
And for what?
It's not for those moments of intensity - the successes in our business when we jump together and shriek and laugh. It's not for the way those beautiful eyes can make my spine dissolve. And it is not for the slow, deep kisses.
It's something else.
It's for those unremarkable, quiet times when we're just together watching tv or sitting on a couch. It's for that "click" I feel in every synapse that tells me everything has just fallen into perfect place.
I do not know what our future holds. I do not know if we'll make it work forever (though I can hope)...
I do know he is the great love of my life.
I know he always will be.
Even if I do not know why.
Oh my....
I am a terrible blogger.
I had stopped even thinking about this blog because life has been so hectic until Jeff asked if I still blogged. I logged on while we spoke and saw the comments and now I feel terrible guilty to have worried anyone.
But...
(drum roll)
One anonymous commenter asked me "This relationship has not changed in a year and a half, do you really expect it to now?"
The truth is - of course I did!
Wondering how it's played out?
Have I been a fool?
Am I broken hearted?
Hmm...
Well, yes. I have been a fool.
Thank god, I was.
Bloggies, I am thrilled to pieces to report that this relationship HAS changed dramatically.
I am even happier to tell you that Jeff has become someone who has been entirely worth waiting for.
I can't tell you how it has all happened. Jeff works his program. I work mine. He has a sponsor.
He's still not able to say "I love you" but I can tell you that I believe he feels it.
We are happy.
He's dropped a few comments about us living together in the future. A few times he mentioned marriage very off-handedly...as if he sees it.
Don't get me wrong, we have our moments. We spend a lot of time together, we irritate one another, we step on each other But we work it out easily and smoothly and we don't for one moment doubt we will be together.
I know this story is far from over, but it's been on a VERY happy path for quite some time now.
Even more surprising is that my insecurity and jealousy issues have drastically improved. Right down to Jill - the woman he once left me for - contacting him and it bothered me for all of 40 minutes before it was ancient history. It never even phased him. He was where he wanted to be.
I love Jeff and his character has really changed. He is actually becoming the man he used to try to pretend to be. He is honest, he shows integrity and he is a joy to be around.
Bloggies...for now (and for a while now!) I find myself happy.
I think it's all too much.
I believe Jeff and I are soul mates, just as I believe our chance to be happy together was ruined.
I can't trust him. I have tried so hard and even though I can say that I am "so-so" on my program right now, I just can not trust him.
He puts nothing into this relationship and I'm foolish to believe that will ever change. Because isn't that what this is? Me sitting around waiting for him to change?
It does not work.
If he had an emotional investment in this relationship, I might be able to start feeling a bit more trusting. If he earned back my trust, I might be able to trust him again. But without either of those factors - it's this vicious cycle of me feeling strung along.
I feel suspicious and jealous all the time - and that's not how I want to feel. I want to relax with and without him and feel secure. There is zero security in this relationship.
I won't officially end it just yet, but I am going to start the process of emotionally detaching. There's no point sitting around caring so deeply for someone who doesn't return the feelings.
I've wasted so much time on someone so unworthy. This is not a healthy relationship and I can not single handedly change that.
Even after such a great many days of feeling like I'd achieved better sobriety, the addictions can knock you down.
The trick is to get back up and do it again...and again...and again. Because working towards feeling better is always going to be better than not.
I fell hard last week.
Valentine's Day was lovely, but somehow after we'd crawled into bed I began to feel that frustration inside of me. I felt frustrated that Jeff remained emotionally unavailable. I suppose that I had some fantasy of him romancing me just a bit with words. We had an amazing meal and a lovely night, but I would have traded it all to hear him tell me that I mattered to him.
Then came Friday.
The problems with Jeff's ex-wife begin again. As I understand it, her boyfriend of some time now packed his things and left her. Whatever empathy I might have felt got wiped out when she called Jeff. He spoke to her on his cell in our office and I could hear her snooty British bitching on the other side of the room. She asked Jeff about money he owes her and he told her truthfully he's working on it.
Jeff did fall behind in the OUTRAGEOUSLY high alimony and child support he owes her while we were apart. The amount he pays her per month is more than most people earn for a salary with a full time career. Over the past 3 months, he has paid her about $10,000 to catch up.
She asked how he was "working on it" and he mentioned our business. She knows he and I are working together but she seems to have the false idea that I am some dumb secretary he gives a paycheck too rather than 51% owner of the company and someone who covers her bills and not much else. I do not draw a salary beyond my immediate expenses.
She said rude things like "What the hell does SHE know about aviation?" (Um...more than you and I've done well at it for the past 6 months) and "I'm going to be pissed if you pay that bitch before me" (Um...MY company that I work my ass off at and you don't dictate my payroll).
Then she announced that she was going to have a private investigator check me out.
She also demanded copies of my company's bank statements.
Um...no.
What she doesn't know is that only weeks ago I told Jeff that our next large commission would be largely directed to paying her off. I was willing to sacrifice my cut to get her settled.
Not anymore. Guess I can be a bitch after all. Jeff's financial obligations to her are separate from me and our company and no longer my headache. How's THAT suit ya??? (as she once snapped at me on a voicemail).
Truthfully it bothered me and pissed me off. I've been good to her kids and I've been working hard with Jeff to turn his life around for the better and she just wants to throw her little bitchy remarks around about me.
And thus, serenity lost.
I became suspicious and frustrated and irritable. I checked up on Jeff and caught him in a minor slip and I retaliated by checking out the personal ads and seriously considering cheating. I didn't let him know what I knew, but rather just seethed inside.
At my meeting, I confessed all.
Jeff and I had a long talk and straightened it all out. It's a very hard thing between us. I honestly don't know if it will work.
His meeting tonight was a waste. He caught another cold and wasn't really in the present. He skipped his sponsor meeting to come home and when I said that I was worried, he jumped all over me. Eventually he said he didn't feel well and was just defensive and I said goodnight. I told him I wanted him to get rested, but the truth was that I did not want to talk to him anymore.
My grandmother - the last living one - passed away this morning and I knew my Dad would be devastated. I felt like I should call him, but I could not bring myself to it. My sister called to tell me but my father and stepmother continued to avoid contact with me. In the end, I decided nothing positive would come of my call beyond surface value for either of us and I eventually stopped staring at my cell phone.
I plan to work my program harder and more often. For me. Not for Jeff or anyone else.
To be honest - as much as I want to be with Jeff, I am growing tired of this game with him and without some major progress on his end I don't see us lasting.
And maybe that's not a bad thing.
So far it has been a good day :)
I arrived at work this morning to find a single red rose, a box of eclairs and a card from Jeff on my chair.
The card read "If your heart is light and happy then my Valentine wish will come true" - open it and it plays "Don't Worry. Be happy" and reads "And my heart will be happy too!"
Jeff wrote " I'm glad we're back together and I hope this Valentine's Day will be a great memory for us both. Love, Jeff"
The rest of the day has been work, work, work but I am looking forward to tonight!
Well!
I have to say that my "a-ha!" moment the other day has brought about a major change. I feel wonderful.
I am far more focused on my own emotional state and it has taken off LOADS of pressure. Instead of fretting about the past or living in fear of the future, I am stopping to enjoy each moment.
The other night, post "a-ha!" moment I stopped myself. I felt anxious and irritated - so I reviewed my day and realized it had been a great day! I'd woken up beside the man I love, worked in my office, watched a new employee make his first sale, relaxed with tv and I realized when I was done that it had been a wonderful day.
I still feel great.
Today will be V-Day. At 12:01 am, Jeff text messaged me and made me smile from ear to ear. He's made "secret" dinner plans tonight and possibly something after and I am really looking forward to it.
I can honestly say I have not checked up on Jeff at all. I am (for the first time) completely "sober".
I'm feeling great!
I am going to try to work out my steps here. My group is really too new to have sponsors, although we all lean on each other.
Starting now....I guess I will try to journal my way through it.
From Stepping Stones to Recovery:
The Codependence patterns that I see in myself: (Note, I am not including any I feel are not applicable to me).
Denial Patterns:
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others (I know in my heart this is not true and that I can be very selfish, yet I always seem to try to tell myself and the world how much I give, do, suffer or how hard I work...)
Low Self-Esteem Patterns:
I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly as never "good enough"
I value others approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feelings and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over other people, that our lives had become unmanageable.
In my book, it is suggested I make two lists. The first is my "joy" list. It is expected to be a list of people, places and things I am grateful for:
My second list is to be a list of things that no matter how hard I try just frustrate me or make me angry. Things I can not control:
***Note: I had published the above and was already realizing how lousy all my posts including the first one tonight was because I am SO not "sober" - but in reading I had an aha! moment and needed to add it here.
In Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps regarding Step One there are questions.
1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? yes. Have you been trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results? yes.
2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Jeff. Whom do you feel victimized by? My family and Jeff. Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions or some other area of your life? Jeff. What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying or avoiding? I'm not sure on this one...being alone? Being unloved?
3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? A-ha! My god, if I wasn't trying to control Jeff he wouldn't want to be with me. I am actually more afraid he won't want to be with me than I even am of him cheating on me...because I think if he cheated on me and I found out and he begged me for forgiveness and told me how sorry he was and how much he needed to be with me I would feel better than if he decided he did not want to be with me.
But I CAN'T control him or his feelings and he IS with me. I have to stop analyzing. Jeff wants to be with me, because he IS with me. PERIOD. Sure, I want more. Sure, I am afraid. Sure, it's hard. But he's with me. Instead of freaking out over whether or not he will love me or will want to be with me tomorrow, I need VERY much to just BE HAPPY that he wants to be with me right now. What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? Same thing. If I didn't let him control me, I am still afraid he would not want to be with me. See above.
That's only 3 of 8 questions, but for tonight it is enough. I've had my "aha" moment.
I'm good.
My V-Day Ultimatum is off. I will be here until I no longer feel I can. I won't worry about that. For today, I love Jeff and Jeff is my boyfriend and wants to be with me and that has to be enough for today.
Last year, Valentine's Day was a nightmare. I worked just to make sure I could try to forget the day.
But I did do one thing...
I set a scheduled task for 11:11 pm Valentine's Day night 2008 reminding me to find love.
I'm a little surprised to hear that Jeff has made secret plans, but I wonder if he can grasp what I really need this Valentine's Day.
I wonder if I will find love after all. I feel like no one has looked or tried harder than I have.
I wonder if he knows how hard I am trying to hold on when I feel my heart starting to give up.
I think I have almost subconsciously set this Valentine's Day as a benchmark. Maybe it's not fair to him, maybe it's too much pressure - but what about the fairness to me all these years and the pressure that I have been under?
I need his heart by 11:11 on the 14th. And not the chocolate or Hallmark variety.
It's crunch time. Post V-Day, I can't imagine how much longer I am going to be able to sit around loving a man who can't love me back.
But something inside of me feels like I am already giving up and I have just set V-Day as a last chance for romance sort of desperate attempt.
I love him. I know it doesn't mean that I can be with him.
But I can't keep lowering myself into believing I have to wait to be loved back. I believe I deserve his love, I believe I have earned it.
Chemistry? We have it. We enjoy the heck out of one another on every level.
Passion? We've had it, and while it's a slow burn right now through our programs, it's there.
Love? I've been by this man's side through it all. I've stood so strong by him. I've loved him in spite of the hardest of challenges he has thrown at me. I've stayed when everyone else has turned their back.
This is the biggest frog of them all and V-Day magic really needs to be on my side as I try to kiss him into a prince for the millionth time.
Otherwise I will sadly resign myself to start removing the warts. :(
I really hope...
Well, you know what I hope.
Love me.
My guess is this:
He sees me as untrusting. Annoying in my anxieties. Always doubting, suspicious, pushing for more from him.
He thinks I am clingy. He thinks I need him too much. He thinks I want him glued to my side.
My side is a different view:
I don't trust him. He betrayed me repeatedly. He lied to me. All of that could be fixed but he does nothing to earn back my trust.
Maybe I do push for more, but I am pushing for more than nothing. I am pushing for my boyfriend who has been in my life for almost 3 years to care about me even a little.
He forgets to call. He forgets my birthday. He blows me off. He never pays me the slightest compliment. He takes me forgranted.
Two different perspectives.
I am picking him up from the airport tonight, and to be honest I expect it to end tonight.
I don't see how this can work. He can't give and I can no longer compromise.
It will be hard.
It will hurt (me anyway).
But it is what it is.
It Starts with Goodbye (Carrie Underwood)
I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad,
but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.
[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye
I'm still feeling good and strong. Jeff called this morning and we spoke for about 30 seconds before he had to go. His father's memorial is today.
I still feel good. I admit that I am concerned he will cheat or do something out there, but at the same time I feel just fine.
I still feel the way I did last night about the relationship. I feel like he has to either open up emotionally or it has to end soon.
And I still hope he will find a way to open up.
I'm trying to gather a group of girls for tonight. It's still a little last minute but I'm hoping. Worst case, I guess I will go out by myself.
So. I've been thinking.
Jeff's been gone since...3:30ish? We had a few tense phone conversations...I wasn't thrilled he ate dinner in an airport bar since bars are on his "don't" list (self-made) and our last chat he was either tired or just cold, but I got the big brush off. Basically "I'm here. Bye" and when I tried to speak I got the cold tone.
I'm not mad.
Honest.
Okay, I was a little offended. But not mad.
But here's what I am thinking.
I love Jeff. I really, truly do. Probably more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. Stupid love.
But I think he is not ready for a relationship. I think he needs time to learn how to care about another person. I think he needs to figure out how to love someone back.
And I have waited for so long...I just don't know if I can wait anymore.
My biggest problem is this...when Jeff is away, I feel sad for a bit, then lonely and then I start to come back to myself. I start to feel strong.
By nature, I am actually a strong person.
I am not strong with Jeff. Somehow he takes that away. He could smile at me and suggest we eat cow shit on rye and I would try it because he just overwhelms me. I think Jeff would never even consider me to be strong because he never actually sees it.
What's worse is that when I try to figure out how my strength depletes me in his presence quicker than Delilah's haircut trick on Sampson I think that the answer is that Jeff is not strong.
He's not strong enough to love someone back. He gave me the defined laundry list he discovered last night...fear of abandonment, loss of integrity, etc, etc but the truth is that it takes great courage to love someone and I have always been able to love.
My weakness is a direct answer to his weakness. I spend too much time afraid he will cheat because he is weak. I don't confront him when I should because I worry that I will somehow offend him or scare him away. I don't stand up to him when I need to because I let him hold the illusion that he is in charge.
I am not being true to myself and I have no idea how it happens, but the moment I am in Jeff's sights it's as if I am an X-men mutant in the presence of that creepy, bald very white child they called the cure and my powers vanish.
The weird thing is that right now...I feel very strong. I feel clear. I feel unafraid and brave and ready to face anything. Even weirder, I know it will fade the moment he calls me tomorrow.
It's him who is weak. I have to learn to not let it affect me this way. I have to find a way to be true to myself.
I respect his program and his progress, but I think I am nearing a breaking point here. I'm an awesome woman and if he's not ready to love me then I think it's time to finally give up once and for all.
But....
The sad thing is this...
There's something huge there. We can talk. We can be honest with each other. When we touch, it just melts me. I honestly believe he is the one for me and I believe I am the one for him.
We're so compatable that it's almost bizarre. We fit. We meld. We function as if we are one being who was split in two.
But only I got the ability to love.
I think that if this has to end, it will truly have to be the end for me. No more moping about, wishing for changes or suffering the loss.
If I end up deciding that I have to walk away, I will do so knowing I loved him truly, deeply and fully. I gave it everything I had.
He will be the one who loses.
He could never find another me.
I will try as hard as I can to give him a little more time, but I think time is running out.
He'll be hard to get over. I still have to work with him and that means he will affect me daily - and probably break my heart all over again.
But it just might be even harder to love him.
It's hard to get back in the habit of blogging. I almost didn't blog today, but I am trying to 'journal' more and it does seem to help somehow - so here I am.
Jeff left for his father's funeral today. I took him to the airport and came home and took a nap. Anxiety is high, but I am trying to be calm. I emailed the women in my group to see if any of them would like a girl's night out tomorrow.
Jeff sortof suggested he had plans for Valentine's Day and I was surprised. I asked if I should plan a meal and he said no, he had it covered.
I'll be honest, I don't actually believe him. We'll see. Knowing Jeff he will give it about 10 minutes of thought on Wednesday night (the night before) and will find no reservations available.
After my birthday debacle, I hate to admit that I am expecting the worst.
What I REALLY want for Valentine's Day is his love. He could tell me he loved me over a McDonald's Happy Meal and make me very happy...if I believed he meant it.
I'm worried about him out of town and trying to be brave about it.
I hope the women will go out tomorrow.
I'm sure I will blog more...
Ya know, Jenni - I'm starting to think you're not a real person. I have this theory that you are like my internet guardian angel or something. My i!angel.
Thank you for the birthday e-card. When I saw it you could have just about knocked me over with a feather. My family didn't call, Jeff forgot and it was a horrible day...and YOU remembered. Thank you.
In response to your comment - you're right. It should be said.
To be honest, recounting 8 months seems like an insurmountable task. A LOT happened. It wasn't that I wasn't writing out of happiness...
When we left off last June, I was trying to say I couldn't write my thoughts here anymore. And with good reason. Things sort of came to a head about that time and my life was so out of control that I could not bear to write about it.
I was sleeping with Jeff regularly and everytime we "hung out" it seemed to end in sex. But I was wanting more. It FELT like we were together, but I knew he was still chasing skirts all over town.
Somehow, we began the talk of "swinging". I think I encouraged it. I think that I felt that if I could control the OTHER women he saw and screwed around with...and was a part of it...that I would have control over him.
Wrong.
We posted a profile. We met a couple of other couples and once we met a woman. We never did anything, but we kept talking about it. We always had some excuse for not going through with it. The last woman we met was Anne. She was nice, but heavyset and a bit...well, just not my "type" I suppose. 1980's hair, blue eyeliner and worked in construction. I was pretty upset when she and Jeff began a secret text/phone thing. As far as I know they never met up.
I'll be honest. I did not want to "swing" but I did want to hold on to Jeff.
I kept pushing for a relationship. I tried to analyze everything. I tried to analyze Jeff. I would talk to him for hours. I asked once if I found a self-help type of book that resonated with him, would he read it and he said yes.
He said he felt "self-esteem" was the main issue. The first chance I got, I went to the local Borders and spent hours in the self-help section pouring over books.
One title "Don't Call it Love" caught my eye and I flipped through it. The title seemed ironic and I was smirking as I picked it up. But when I started to read, the smirk faded.
It was about Sex Addiction. I used to think it was a joke. But there was Jeff in black and white.
I bought it and fully expected him to throw it away.
He read it.
He saw himself in it. He was stunned, shocked, shaken and amazed. He began to read up on it. He looked for local 12 step meetings and found one. He made plans to go.
I was probably more stunned than he was.
One day I was flipping through it in his car and found a chapter on "Co-dependents of Sex Addicts".
Holy crap. It was me. It was so much me that I was stunned and very upset. All of the things I have never been able to understand about myself - and him - and us were there.
The things I did. My thoughts. My feelings. They were all there. I was never so taken aback. Jeff kept asking if I was ok and I told him that I was not. It really, really disturbed me.
We found that there were 12 step meetings for co-dependents too. I made plans to go as well.
Jeff's group meets on Mondays (or Thursdays). Mine meets Sundays. I am so happy to say we have both been going since the end of September and that we BOTH love our groups. Jeff has a sponsor and I have a room full of women who totally and completely understand me. We are working our programs.
We are finding ourselves. He is at his group as I write this...
In my group, we have small readings at the start. The one that I most identify with is this (I have highlighted the parts that REALLY strike me as being ME):
S-Anon members have much in common with the friends and family members of other addicted people. Most of us grew up in families with secrets, and we were not taught to think about our own needs and take positive action to meet them. As we grew up we felt more and more lonely and isolated as we chose friends and partners who could not or would not love and support us in a healthy way. We lived life from the standpoint of victims and perceived any personal criticism as a threat. For most of us, anger and depression were a way of life. We were so afraid of being left alone that anxiety and frustration were nearly constant. Whether or not we were exposed to sexaholism as children, most of us think that we acquired some unhealthy beliefs about ourselves very early in our lives - that we were not worthwhile and lovable, that we were able to control other people's behavior, and that sex was the most important sign of love.
What is different is that we have felt the additional shame of being involved with the sexaholism of a family member or friend. It does not matter a great deal whether that person was a member of our birth family, a partner, spouse, child, or someone outside the family like a friend, teacher, or boss. It does not matter whether we were willing, unwilling, or unknowing participants in the relationship - sexaholism deeply affected our lives. Our self-esteem dropped to lower and lower levels, and we doubted our attractiveness, our emotions, our sanity, and our human worth. We have felt betrayed by those we loved the most, and those of us who didn't know about the sexaholic behavior felt even more humiliated and stupid for not knowing. Many of us were sexually abused, exposed to sexually transmitted diseases and otherwise placed in physical danger. We were often afraid to trust others and reach out for help because we were afraid of what they would think of us or of the sexaholic.
strong
Some of us minimized the importance of the sexaholism by denying its existence or minimizing its importance. We stuffed our feelings of anger and abandonment to the point that we felt emotionally numb. We told ourselves things like "Everybody does this," "This shouldn't bother me," or even "It can't be true - he wouldn't do that." Others focused on the sexaholic and the sexual behavior to the point of obsession. We tried every known method to control it. We lied and covered up, spied at doorways, listened to private conversations, checked up on the sexaholic's whereabouts, read through journals and personal papers, begged, pleaded, and threatened. Some of us participated in sexual behavior that we did not enjoy or that made us ashamed of ourselves. Many of us tried to use sex to manipulate the sexaholic, thinking that being part of the acting out would give us a little bit more control over our lives. Most of felt that we must have done something to deserve this kind of treatment, and that happiness was for others, not for us. Some of us misused drugs, alcohol, or food to numb the pain; others used activities, such as shopping, exercising or working, to keep from feeling our emotions. We often neglected our health, our jobs and our children. No matter how we tried to struggle against it, deny it or minimize its effects, the failure of our efforts to cope with sexaholism brought us to the point of despair. This is what we mean when we say in the First Step, "our lives had become unmanageable."
Now...if you have read me - have read my past from the Odd Wife to the Trouble with Red then you must see me in this. Remember when I felt that my husband must not love me since we didn't have frequent sex? Remember my constant spying on Jeff?
Yes, this has affected me DEEPLY.
But I know it now. I love my group. I have so far to go, but I have to say that having this support system is life-changing for me.
Regarding my family...
What family???
My father told me he didn't want anything to do with me if I spoke to Jeff again.He also suggested I was an unfit mother. My sister - the perpetual "daddy's girl" saw the opportunity to rise from the troublesome younger sibling to the GREAT one by following Daddy's footsteps.
I have not seen or spoken to any member of my family in more than 6-7 months...despite the fact that every single one of them lives within 15 minutes of me - and my father lives around the corner. They made a point to ignore and avoid me on every holiday - Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday and I will never, never, never forgive them for it. Remember - I was NOT back with Jeff when they turned their backs - I was simply talking to him. I have never been a criminal or a drug or alcohol abuser. I have only been a single mom working hard to try to support me and my daughter. For them to treat me this way is beyond unforgivable.
They are dead to me. Truly dead to me. I am tempted to say that I hate them, but that seems extreme. My father and my sister used to talk about moving to Tennessee all the time and I pray every day for them to move and be gone. I never want to see them again. Ever.
In my group, I learned a LOT about how my relationship with my father is a mirror of my situation with Jeff. My dad always witheld love and affection and rained verbal abuse on me. He has always fought to control me and whenever I made a choice that he did not agree with he would verbally abuse me and often stop speaking to me. Jeff doesn't do THAT, but the elements are similar. I am happy to have my father out of my life. I feel VERY good about that decision. I can only hope he moves SOON and that I never have to even know he is dead or alive again.
In truth, I largely blame my father for my issues with men and relationships.
Moving on.
I quit the restaurant job...I actually did it terribly. I didn't show up for work because I wanted to be with Jeff instead. I thought if I was not working nights, I could see him more and he would see other women less.
Jeff and I officially became a couple on October 8th. We're taking it VERY slow and I am frustrated by it. He says he does not know if he loves me because he doesn't know what love is and until he does, he does not want to mislead me.
On business...
Well, this has been the biggest change. The business that I talked about starting with Jeff back in June? Well....hah!!!!
We incorporated in July. We did over $600,000 in sales in our first 6 months working out of my home. Today, we have almost 8000 square feet of office space, several employees and about 1/2 million dollars of inventory. We invest almost everything BACK into the company, but our bills get paid and we're doing VERY well. I am proud.
Jeff and I share a large office. We work VERY well together. We always did.
The last 8 months have been a roller coaster to say the least....
I am sure I left a million things out. We just got back from a vacation to Costa Rica, we went to Atlanta on business and I met (and fell in love with) several of his family members.
***UPDATE***: Jeff is out of his meeting and tonight's topic struck him. It all dealt with the fear of abandonment and intimacy issues and he saw himself in it. Exactly what I have been hurting over and writing about. He's going to take the time to really read it again and think about it but I am praying it will be another breakthrough.
Because I would give anything for him to tell me that he was in love with me too. I feel so strongly that I have earned it and deserve it and I know I am starving to death for lack of it.
Here's hoping.
Jeff came over last night and it was nice.
Well, more than nice...
He hugged me and I honestly wished he could do it for hours. Days. Weeks. I have no idea what the reason is, but when he hugs me I just want to stay there forever. I have never felt that for anyone before. The smell, feel, touch - all of it just reaches me on the deepest level.
I love him.
I am in love with him.
Having said that....
I realize that doesn't mean we can or will work. I need to be loved back and if he isn't capable then I can never be happy with him. I am prepared for that. I am prepared to end our relationship for that.
Jeff and I have been together for so long that part of me is deeply disappointed that he isn't in touch with his feelings. I feel like he should know by now...
I want to be patient, but I have been patient for so long...I can not wait forever.
I hope he figures it out soon.
A short time after last night's "panic" attack where I worried Jeff was cheating or something, this little voice inside of me finally spoke up.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
Hmm.
Jeff says he wants to be with me. He's working on himself in his program.
I'm just not happy....
I feel like he should KNOW how he feels about me by now. I feel like he should show me how he feels.
And hey, if he wants to screw around then I feel like he should do it....(and say goodbye to me).
I DON'T want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me.
I love Jeff. Always have. Probably always will. It doesn't me he loves me - or even if he does, that he can love me the way that I need to be loved. It doesn't mean I have to be with him.
Being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man is not much better than being alone - it just adds more headaches.
I have some thinking to do. He does too, but that's for HIM to figure out.
At this point, I think he's losing me.
I'm here because I need a place to journal. I don't know why it seems easier for me to journal here than privately....maybe because keeping the journal online keeps it off my computer directly, so-to-speak...maybe because it's familiar.
Jeff and I are back together for nearly 4 months "officially", although we began seeing one another as long ago as last May.
I'm just not happy.
For now, that's all.
To try to catch you up on the last 6+ months would be impossible.
The yadda-yadda/short version is this: Jeff and I are back together, but taking it slow, he's in a program for sex addicts and I am in a program for co-dependents, we started a business together working out of my home and now we have a great office and a business that seems to be growing, we just got back from Costa Rica and I have zero relationship with my family.
How's that?
Whew...
I've reached a point in my life where I feel secure enough in my thoughts and emotions to take this blog private for awhile.
I know some commenters will think I am hiding, but I am not. I promise. I've heard you all and I know the things you say have truth in them. Even without the entire story (just my side) you do strike chords.
It isn't that I am afraid of who reads or being judged either. I just feel like there are things happening in my life that I need to be able to blog freely about without hesitation.
I will go public again, but while I go through this - I need my time to "think aloud" alone.
I hope you understand. By tomorrow I will go private for a bit. One day when I go public again, you'll have lots of catching up to do since I plan to continue to blog here even privately.
Thank God it's Monday.
Bet you never hear that one.
After a hellacious weekend, it ended on a good note and I'm relieved Monday is here.
I saw Jeff for a bit. We met up with another couple for drinks. Jeff was great and as usual, it ended in amazing sex. We seem to be far more open with each other and exploring new things together and in bed it's been nothing short of mind-blowing sex for many hours at a time, leaving us both dazed and limp after.
He did cross the line though.
He seemed to not want to let me go. He seemed to want me to stay, to sleep beside him, to lay in his arms. I think it afected him because I got the call this morning (just now) about boundaries and feelings.
I pointed out that I felt I was doing a great job of keeping him compartmentalized and that the problem may be on HIS end and he agreed. He admitted that he wants to see other people but hinted that he was worried about how he would feel about me being with another man.
We plan to talk more in email. We're both at work and he talks better in text just the same.
So for the time being, I can focus on the sex.
WOW....
I know I bitched about Jeff not being Superman in the sack when we split - and it actually was true, but lately....
Holy crap....
Short of introducing other people into bed, we've done it all and it's gone really, really well. There are things he can physically do to me and with me that I never enjoyed with other people and with him it's fantastic. Things I didn't even know that I liked. We have relaxed enough to talk dirty, to role-play a bit. Sometimes he dominates, sometimes I do. No matter what we try lately, it works too well.
So...of course, he is scared.
And he should be. I can openly admit that I will always love him but can never be with him in an exclusive relationship but he lost the best he's ever going to find when he lost me and I think he's beginning to realize it.
Hence him initiating feelings talks.
I have no pity for him in this area. Jeff never really had a heart to break. If he somehow gets hurt in this process he can deal with it the same way that I had to. Get strong, survive and move on.
I can be with him, love him and enjoy him and still go home and turn it off. It took getting my heart shattered to be able to do it.
There's a small part of me that wouldn't be sorry if he had to go through it too. An eye for an eye.
So....I went to the party last night
BIG mistake.
The party was thrown by a couple girls we call the "little sisters" because they're younger than we are. We adore them, but let's face it - we know what young girls are like.
Every imaginable scenario of drama unfolded at this party. There were at one point 7 separate circles of screaming matches going on. I was not directly involved in any of them but my friend Jess had a co-starring role in one of them so I was "lumped in". At one point, one of the "little sisters", Kayla, started screaming at me that I "told too much truth" and needed to stop. I kept my cool but I am angry at her.
I text messaged Jeff saying "I kinda wish you were here" and this morning he texted me back about 20 times while I tried to sleep. He asked me to ditch work and go to a concert with him and his kids but I can't make it. I have to work. 3 people already called in and my calling in would go badly.
I think Jeff's displaying a more serious attachment to me with each passing day. I still admit that I love him, but I have no idea where he's going with this. I don't see how we could ever be more than we are right now.
I'm irritated and tired and NOT looking forward to working tonight because more drama is sure to unfold but I guess it's time to head there and face it all.
But I do wish I was with Jeff instead.
