Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

With this open letter to cyberspace, I tell you goodbye.

For 34 years you dragged me down to the lowest depths of emotional turmoil. You rewarded me and praised me when I let you control my life and did exactly as you thought best and punished and berated and humiliated me when I made a decision you disagreed with.

I have had a miserable life.

For 1 year, we have not spoken. You hurt me one final time and we had words and that was the end of it. The past year has been the best year of my life.

As a child, I remember you beating me within an inch of my life for going on the stairs in roller skates and kicking out at another child after you had forbidden me to go near the stairs. I don't remember much about the beating itself, though I recall my mother feeding me tea and toast in bed because I was unable to get up.

It's the only beating I remember but as a child, I was the only kid who was happy her parents were divorced.

You learned to hurt far more with words than with hands.

I remember as a pre-teen how much I hated spending a weekend with you because you would make fun of me over a pimple. You teased me and humiliated me worse than any schoolmates ever did.

You gave me my first car. A 1979 Fiat with no floorboards. It was 1990. The car broke down every day. When I got a flat tire, the car had to be totalled because you had welded the tire to the car.

I remember babysitting my half-sister and finding cocaine in a coat pocket.

When I was 14, my 2 year old half-sister walked into the room and aimed a handgun at me and said "bang" because you didn't bother to lock up your weapons. When I got upset, you laughed. It was hilarious to you.

Also when I was 14 you explained to me over lunch how you may have to go to prison because you had been busted for dealing drugs. You protested your innocence ("I only counted the money!")

I believe I was 16 when you were arrested for possession of a stolen dune buggy.

Every weekend I spent with you, you had me roll massive amounts of change telling me it was my college fund, yet the day I took you to my college finance meeting, you stuck me in a student loan and advised me to not spend more than I could afford.

In my high school job at Target, you came in when I worked the refund counter and made me return bogus items.

You mocked every gift I ever gave you. I hated shopping for you. (Don't expect a Father's Day present, buddy.)

At one of my first "real" jobs, my boss repeatedly complained about his "insane neighbor" who would stand outside and scream profanities. When I brought pictures into the office, he saw one of you and I and said "That's my neighbor!". Again, humilation...

A year later I went to work at a law firm. One attorney I worked for recognized my last name. He had defended you in the drug charges. I was ashamed. I quit.

When I was 18, my mother got cancer. I was terrified and postponed college. You stopped speaking to me for nearly 6 months just after telling me I would be a worthless piece of shit for not going to college. You never graduated high school. Pot. Kettle.

I watched you call my 8-year old sister a whore in front of all of her friends because you hated what she was wearing. You told her friends they were assholes for hanging out with her.

When my 9 year old sister told me "Dad says he hopes I don't grow up to be a big blimp like you" and I confronted you in tears - rather than apologize, you punished her for telling me and called her a liar.

When I worked for you, you verbally abused me daily. For any mistake I was called names.

You threw my 14 year old sister out of the house and I had to take her in and raise her through her high school graduation. I turned her life around and you took the credit for it.

You divorced my stepmother when she became terminally ill and told me you didn't want to get stuck with her medical bills - but not before I told you I knew you had a girlfriend on the side.

You had me evicted from your brother-in-laws home so you could move into it rent-free.

When my fiancee got busted cheating on me and I was devastated you told me to suck it up because "all men cheat and only the stupid ones get caught but women can't cheat because they are too emotional".

When I prematurely delivered my 2nd child who died at birth, you never showed up at the hospital.

When I started talking to my ex-fiancee again 6 months later as a friend, you disowned me despite the fact you once pushed me to marry him. You told me I wasn't a fit mother because of this decision, despite the fact that I am a single mother who is doing a damned fine job raising an incredible child.

We haven't spoken since and I have never been happier. You are dead to me and I am thankful every day you don't exist in my world. I am free.

Don't come back. Ever.

Don't send me messages through my sister because someone called you and asked for me and it pissed you off.

Stay dead to me.

Regards,
DQC