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Friday, June 6, 2008

!!! NEWSFLASH !!!

I'm happy.

Really happy.

All is right in my world...

The man I love is not with me tonight, but his heart is.

My career is soaring! A meeting in the next 2 weeks is looking like a life-changing event! Can you say "MILLIONS"???

I can :) :) :)

And I'm being super-conservative because "millions" isn't the word that was used.

It actually sounded the same, but started with a "b".

I'm happy.

I want to remember this feeling for the rest of my life.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

With this open letter to cyberspace, I tell you goodbye.

For 34 years you dragged me down to the lowest depths of emotional turmoil. You rewarded me and praised me when I let you control my life and did exactly as you thought best and punished and berated and humiliated me when I made a decision you disagreed with.

I have had a miserable life.

For 1 year, we have not spoken. You hurt me one final time and we had words and that was the end of it. The past year has been the best year of my life.

As a child, I remember you beating me within an inch of my life for going on the stairs in roller skates and kicking out at another child after you had forbidden me to go near the stairs. I don't remember much about the beating itself, though I recall my mother feeding me tea and toast in bed because I was unable to get up.

It's the only beating I remember but as a child, I was the only kid who was happy her parents were divorced.

You learned to hurt far more with words than with hands.

I remember as a pre-teen how much I hated spending a weekend with you because you would make fun of me over a pimple. You teased me and humiliated me worse than any schoolmates ever did.

You gave me my first car. A 1979 Fiat with no floorboards. It was 1990. The car broke down every day. When I got a flat tire, the car had to be totalled because you had welded the tire to the car.

I remember babysitting my half-sister and finding cocaine in a coat pocket.

When I was 14, my 2 year old half-sister walked into the room and aimed a handgun at me and said "bang" because you didn't bother to lock up your weapons. When I got upset, you laughed. It was hilarious to you.

Also when I was 14 you explained to me over lunch how you may have to go to prison because you had been busted for dealing drugs. You protested your innocence ("I only counted the money!")

I believe I was 16 when you were arrested for possession of a stolen dune buggy.

Every weekend I spent with you, you had me roll massive amounts of change telling me it was my college fund, yet the day I took you to my college finance meeting, you stuck me in a student loan and advised me to not spend more than I could afford.

In my high school job at Target, you came in when I worked the refund counter and made me return bogus items.

You mocked every gift I ever gave you. I hated shopping for you. (Don't expect a Father's Day present, buddy.)

At one of my first "real" jobs, my boss repeatedly complained about his "insane neighbor" who would stand outside and scream profanities. When I brought pictures into the office, he saw one of you and I and said "That's my neighbor!". Again, humilation...

A year later I went to work at a law firm. One attorney I worked for recognized my last name. He had defended you in the drug charges. I was ashamed. I quit.

When I was 18, my mother got cancer. I was terrified and postponed college. You stopped speaking to me for nearly 6 months just after telling me I would be a worthless piece of shit for not going to college. You never graduated high school. Pot. Kettle.

I watched you call my 8-year old sister a whore in front of all of her friends because you hated what she was wearing. You told her friends they were assholes for hanging out with her.

When my 9 year old sister told me "Dad says he hopes I don't grow up to be a big blimp like you" and I confronted you in tears - rather than apologize, you punished her for telling me and called her a liar.

When I worked for you, you verbally abused me daily. For any mistake I was called names.

You threw my 14 year old sister out of the house and I had to take her in and raise her through her high school graduation. I turned her life around and you took the credit for it.

You divorced my stepmother when she became terminally ill and told me you didn't want to get stuck with her medical bills - but not before I told you I knew you had a girlfriend on the side.

You had me evicted from your brother-in-laws home so you could move into it rent-free.

When my fiancee got busted cheating on me and I was devastated you told me to suck it up because "all men cheat and only the stupid ones get caught but women can't cheat because they are too emotional".

When I prematurely delivered my 2nd child who died at birth, you never showed up at the hospital.

When I started talking to my ex-fiancee again 6 months later as a friend, you disowned me despite the fact you once pushed me to marry him. You told me I wasn't a fit mother because of this decision, despite the fact that I am a single mother who is doing a damned fine job raising an incredible child.

We haven't spoken since and I have never been happier. You are dead to me and I am thankful every day you don't exist in my world. I am free.

Don't come back. Ever.

Don't send me messages through my sister because someone called you and asked for me and it pissed you off.

Stay dead to me.

Regards,
DQC

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Explaining This Thing That I Cannot Explain

I have been in love before. Of that I have no doubt.

I loved Brad. I certainly loved my family. Without question I love my daughter.

But Jeff...

Wow.

How many tears have I shed? How many broken hearts because of him? How long have I waited?

And for what?

It's not for those moments of intensity - the successes in our business when we jump together and shriek and laugh. It's not for the way those beautiful eyes can make my spine dissolve. And it is not for the slow, deep kisses.

It's something else.

It's for those unremarkable, quiet times when we're just together watching tv or sitting on a couch. It's for that "click" I feel in every synapse that tells me everything has just fallen into perfect place.

I do not know what our future holds. I do not know if we'll make it work forever (though I can hope)...

I do know he is the great love of my life.

I know he always will be.

Even if I do not know why.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Bad Blogger! Bad Blogger!!!

Oh my....

I am a terrible blogger.

I had stopped even thinking about this blog because life has been so hectic until Jeff asked if I still blogged. I logged on while we spoke and saw the comments and now I feel terrible guilty to have worried anyone.

But...

(drum roll)

One anonymous commenter asked me "This relationship has not changed in a year and a half, do you really expect it to now?"

The truth is - of course I did!

Wondering how it's played out?

Have I been a fool?

Am I broken hearted?

Hmm...

Well, yes. I have been a fool.

Thank god, I was.

Bloggies, I am thrilled to pieces to report that this relationship HAS changed dramatically.

I am even happier to tell you that Jeff has become someone who has been entirely worth waiting for.

I can't tell you how it has all happened. Jeff works his program. I work mine. He has a sponsor.

He's still not able to say "I love you" but I can tell you that I believe he feels it.

We are happy.

He's dropped a few comments about us living together in the future. A few times he mentioned marriage very off-handedly...as if he sees it.

Don't get me wrong, we have our moments. We spend a lot of time together, we irritate one another, we step on each other But we work it out easily and smoothly and we don't for one moment doubt we will be together.

I know this story is far from over, but it's been on a VERY happy path for quite some time now.

Even more surprising is that my insecurity and jealousy issues have drastically improved. Right down to Jill - the woman he once left me for - contacting him and it bothered me for all of 40 minutes before it was ancient history. It never even phased him. He was where he wanted to be.

I love Jeff and his character has really changed. He is actually becoming the man he used to try to pretend to be. He is honest, he shows integrity and he is a joy to be around.

Bloggies...for now (and for a while now!) I find myself happy.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

We Can't Go On Together (With Suspicious Minds)

I think it's all too much.

I believe Jeff and I are soul mates, just as I believe our chance to be happy together was ruined.

I can't trust him. I have tried so hard and even though I can say that I am "so-so" on my program right now, I just can not trust him.

He puts nothing into this relationship and I'm foolish to believe that will ever change. Because isn't that what this is? Me sitting around waiting for him to change?

It does not work.

If he had an emotional investment in this relationship, I might be able to start feeling a bit more trusting. If he earned back my trust, I might be able to trust him again. But without either of those factors - it's this vicious cycle of me feeling strung along.

I feel suspicious and jealous all the time - and that's not how I want to feel. I want to relax with and without him and feel secure. There is zero security in this relationship.

I won't officially end it just yet, but I am going to start the process of emotionally detaching. There's no point sitting around caring so deeply for someone who doesn't return the feelings.

I've wasted so much time on someone so unworthy. This is not a healthy relationship and I can not single handedly change that.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Imperfections

Even after such a great many days of feeling like I'd achieved better sobriety, the addictions can knock you down.

The trick is to get back up and do it again...and again...and again. Because working towards feeling better is always going to be better than not.

I fell hard last week.

Valentine's Day was lovely, but somehow after we'd crawled into bed I began to feel that frustration inside of me. I felt frustrated that Jeff remained emotionally unavailable. I suppose that I had some fantasy of him romancing me just a bit with words. We had an amazing meal and a lovely night, but I would have traded it all to hear him tell me that I mattered to him.

Then came Friday.

The problems with Jeff's ex-wife begin again. As I understand it, her boyfriend of some time now packed his things and left her. Whatever empathy I might have felt got wiped out when she called Jeff. He spoke to her on his cell in our office and I could hear her snooty British bitching on the other side of the room. She asked Jeff about money he owes her and he told her truthfully he's working on it.

Jeff did fall behind in the OUTRAGEOUSLY high alimony and child support he owes her while we were apart. The amount he pays her per month is more than most people earn for a salary with a full time career. Over the past 3 months, he has paid her about $10,000 to catch up.

She asked how he was "working on it" and he mentioned our business. She knows he and I are working together but she seems to have the false idea that I am some dumb secretary he gives a paycheck too rather than 51% owner of the company and someone who covers her bills and not much else. I do not draw a salary beyond my immediate expenses.

She said rude things like "What the hell does SHE know about aviation?" (Um...more than you and I've done well at it for the past 6 months) and "I'm going to be pissed if you pay that bitch before me" (Um...MY company that I work my ass off at and you don't dictate my payroll).

Then she announced that she was going to have a private investigator check me out.

She also demanded copies of my company's bank statements.

Um...no.

What she doesn't know is that only weeks ago I told Jeff that our next large commission would be largely directed to paying her off. I was willing to sacrifice my cut to get her settled.

Not anymore. Guess I can be a bitch after all. Jeff's financial obligations to her are separate from me and our company and no longer my headache. How's THAT suit ya??? (as she once snapped at me on a voicemail).

Truthfully it bothered me and pissed me off. I've been good to her kids and I've been working hard with Jeff to turn his life around for the better and she just wants to throw her little bitchy remarks around about me.

And thus, serenity lost.

I became suspicious and frustrated and irritable. I checked up on Jeff and caught him in a minor slip and I retaliated by checking out the personal ads and seriously considering cheating. I didn't let him know what I knew, but rather just seethed inside.

At my meeting, I confessed all.

Jeff and I had a long talk and straightened it all out. It's a very hard thing between us. I honestly don't know if it will work.

His meeting tonight was a waste. He caught another cold and wasn't really in the present. He skipped his sponsor meeting to come home and when I said that I was worried, he jumped all over me. Eventually he said he didn't feel well and was just defensive and I said goodnight. I told him I wanted him to get rested, but the truth was that I did not want to talk to him anymore.

My grandmother - the last living one - passed away this morning and I knew my Dad would be devastated. I felt like I should call him, but I could not bring myself to it. My sister called to tell me but my father and stepmother continued to avoid contact with me. In the end, I decided nothing positive would come of my call beyond surface value for either of us and I eventually stopped staring at my cell phone.

I plan to work my program harder and more often. For me. Not for Jeff or anyone else.

To be honest - as much as I want to be with Jeff, I am growing tired of this game with him and without some major progress on his end I don't see us lasting.

And maybe that's not a bad thing.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Love is in the Air

So far it has been a good day :)

I arrived at work this morning to find a single red rose, a box of eclairs and a card from Jeff on my chair.

The card read "If your heart is light and happy then my Valentine wish will come true" - open it and it plays "Don't Worry. Be happy" and reads "And my heart will be happy too!"

Jeff wrote " I'm glad we're back together and I hope this Valentine's Day will be a great memory for us both. Love, Jeff"

The rest of the day has been work, work, work but I am looking forward to tonight!

Happy Hearts & Flowers Day!

Well!

I have to say that my "a-ha!" moment the other day has brought about a major change. I feel wonderful.

I am far more focused on my own emotional state and it has taken off LOADS of pressure. Instead of fretting about the past or living in fear of the future, I am stopping to enjoy each moment.

The other night, post "a-ha!" moment I stopped myself. I felt anxious and irritated - so I reviewed my day and realized it had been a great day! I'd woken up beside the man I love, worked in my office, watched a new employee make his first sale, relaxed with tv and I realized when I was done that it had been a wonderful day.

I still feel great.

Today will be V-Day. At 12:01 am, Jeff text messaged me and made me smile from ear to ear. He's made "secret" dinner plans tonight and possibly something after and I am really looking forward to it.

I can honestly say I have not checked up on Jeff at all. I am (for the first time) completely "sober".

I'm feeling great!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Step One

I am going to try to work out my steps here. My group is really too new to have sponsors, although we all lean on each other.

Starting now....I guess I will try to journal my way through it.

From Stepping Stones to Recovery:

The Codependence patterns that I see in myself: (Note, I am not including any I feel are not applicable to me).

Denial Patterns:

I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others (I know in my heart this is not true and that I can be very selfish, yet I always seem to try to tell myself and the world how much I give, do, suffer or how hard I work...)

Low Self-Esteem Patterns:

I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly as never "good enough"

I value others approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

I am very sensitive to how others are feelings and feel the same.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over other people, that our lives had become unmanageable.

In my book, it is suggested I make two lists. The first is my "joy" list. It is expected to be a list of people, places and things I am grateful for:

  • thunder storms at night
  • the way autumn feels
  • my daughter
  • my cats - my small kitten (a full grown runt of a tiny thing) seems to have the amazing ability to sense when I need comfort and always curls up with me. During the first few months I had left Jeff, she slept with me each night and purred against me. I truly felt comforted.
  • music - I love to find songs that make me feel understood
  • my 12 step group. the women there accept me and I love them for it.
  • books - I love to read
  • travelling - I love to explore new places
  • hugs and kisses - I admit this is tricky because I only like them from people I feel intimate with, but they make me feel so warm
  • movies - I love to lose myself in a good movie
  • Brad, my ex-husband - he continues to be my best friend
  • My home. It's often messy, but it's my space.
  • My career - I love to work
  • laughter
  • snuggling against Jeff - it feels so good
  • flowers
  • Naps on a Sunday
  • The sound of football on tv
  • Having my back rubbed
  • Having my face caressed
  • Having my hair played with
  • Passion

My second list is to be a list of things that no matter how hard I try just frustrate me or make me angry. Things I can not control:

  • My family - they have never been there when I needed them
  • My father, in particular - he is emotionally abusive and has never approved of anything I say or do unless it's what he wants me to say or do.
  • Jeff's love - I just can't seem to win it
  • My daughter's school work
  • Bettering myself - I feel like I can never say or do the right thing
  • My former friends - I feel like they used me and abandoned me when I needed them the most.

***Note: I had published the above and was already realizing how lousy all my posts including the first one tonight was because I am SO not "sober" - but in reading I had an aha! moment and needed to add it here.

In Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps regarding Step One there are questions.

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? yes. Have you been trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results? yes.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Jeff. Whom do you feel victimized by? My family and Jeff. Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions or some other area of your life? Jeff. What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying or avoiding? I'm not sure on this one...being alone? Being unloved?

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? A-ha! My god, if I wasn't trying to control Jeff he wouldn't want to be with me. I am actually more afraid he won't want to be with me than I even am of him cheating on me...because I think if he cheated on me and I found out and he begged me for forgiveness and told me how sorry he was and how much he needed to be with me I would feel better than if he decided he did not want to be with me.

But I CAN'T control him or his feelings and he IS with me. I have to stop analyzing. Jeff wants to be with me, because he IS with me. PERIOD. Sure, I want more. Sure, I am afraid. Sure, it's hard. But he's with me. Instead of freaking out over whether or not he will love me or will want to be with me tomorrow, I need VERY much to just BE HAPPY that he wants to be with me right now. What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? Same thing. If I didn't let him control me, I am still afraid he would not want to be with me. See above.

That's only 3 of 8 questions, but for tonight it is enough. I've had my "aha" moment.

I'm good.

My V-Day Ultimatum is off. I will be here until I no longer feel I can. I won't worry about that. For today, I love Jeff and Jeff is my boyfriend and wants to be with me and that has to be enough for today.

Hold On

Last year, Valentine's Day was a nightmare. I worked just to make sure I could try to forget the day.

But I did do one thing...

I set a scheduled task for 11:11 pm Valentine's Day night 2008 reminding me to find love.

I'm a little surprised to hear that Jeff has made secret plans, but I wonder if he can grasp what I really need this Valentine's Day.

I wonder if I will find love after all. I feel like no one has looked or tried harder than I have.

I wonder if he knows how hard I am trying to hold on when I feel my heart starting to give up.

I think I have almost subconsciously set this Valentine's Day as a benchmark. Maybe it's not fair to him, maybe it's too much pressure - but what about the fairness to me all these years and the pressure that I have been under?

I need his heart by 11:11 on the 14th. And not the chocolate or Hallmark variety.

It's crunch time. Post V-Day, I can't imagine how much longer I am going to be able to sit around loving a man who can't love me back.

But something inside of me feels like I am already giving up and I have just set V-Day as a last chance for romance sort of desperate attempt.

I love him. I know it doesn't mean that I can be with him.

But I can't keep lowering myself into believing I have to wait to be loved back. I believe I deserve his love, I believe I have earned it.

Chemistry? We have it. We enjoy the heck out of one another on every level.

Passion? We've had it, and while it's a slow burn right now through our programs, it's there.

Love? I've been by this man's side through it all. I've stood so strong by him. I've loved him in spite of the hardest of challenges he has thrown at me. I've stayed when everyone else has turned their back.

This is the biggest frog of them all and V-Day magic really needs to be on my side as I try to kiss him into a prince for the millionth time.

Otherwise I will sadly resign myself to start removing the warts. :(

I really hope...

Well, you know what I hope.

Love me.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Tale of Two Perspectives Starts With Goodbye

My guess is this:

He sees me as untrusting. Annoying in my anxieties. Always doubting, suspicious, pushing for more from him.

He thinks I am clingy. He thinks I need him too much. He thinks I want him glued to my side.

My side is a different view:

I don't trust him. He betrayed me repeatedly. He lied to me. All of that could be fixed but he does nothing to earn back my trust.

Maybe I do push for more, but I am pushing for more than nothing. I am pushing for my boyfriend who has been in my life for almost 3 years to care about me even a little.

He forgets to call. He forgets my birthday. He blows me off. He never pays me the slightest compliment. He takes me forgranted.

Two different perspectives.

I am picking him up from the airport tonight, and to be honest I expect it to end tonight.

I don't see how this can work. He can't give and I can no longer compromise.

It will be hard.

It will hurt (me anyway).

But it is what it is.

It Starts with Goodbye (Carrie Underwood)

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,

So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad,
but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Okey-Dokey

I'm still feeling good and strong. Jeff called this morning and we spoke for about 30 seconds before he had to go. His father's memorial is today.

I still feel good. I admit that I am concerned he will cheat or do something out there, but at the same time I feel just fine.

I still feel the way I did last night about the relationship. I feel like he has to either open up emotionally or it has to end soon.

And I still hope he will find a way to open up.

I'm trying to gather a group of girls for tonight. It's still a little last minute but I'm hoping. Worst case, I guess I will go out by myself.

Can We Talk?

So. I've been thinking.

Jeff's been gone since...3:30ish? We had a few tense phone conversations...I wasn't thrilled he ate dinner in an airport bar since bars are on his "don't" list (self-made) and our last chat he was either tired or just cold, but I got the big brush off. Basically "I'm here. Bye" and when I tried to speak I got the cold tone.

I'm not mad.

Honest.

Okay, I was a little offended. But not mad.

But here's what I am thinking.

I love Jeff. I really, truly do. Probably more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. Stupid love.

But I think he is not ready for a relationship. I think he needs time to learn how to care about another person. I think he needs to figure out how to love someone back.

And I have waited for so long...I just don't know if I can wait anymore.

My biggest problem is this...when Jeff is away, I feel sad for a bit, then lonely and then I start to come back to myself. I start to feel strong.

By nature, I am actually a strong person.

I am not strong with Jeff. Somehow he takes that away. He could smile at me and suggest we eat cow shit on rye and I would try it because he just overwhelms me. I think Jeff would never even consider me to be strong because he never actually sees it.

What's worse is that when I try to figure out how my strength depletes me in his presence quicker than Delilah's haircut trick on Sampson I think that the answer is that Jeff is not strong.

He's not strong enough to love someone back. He gave me the defined laundry list he discovered last night...fear of abandonment, loss of integrity, etc, etc but the truth is that it takes great courage to love someone and I have always been able to love.

My weakness is a direct answer to his weakness. I spend too much time afraid he will cheat because he is weak. I don't confront him when I should because I worry that I will somehow offend him or scare him away. I don't stand up to him when I need to because I let him hold the illusion that he is in charge.

I am not being true to myself and I have no idea how it happens, but the moment I am in Jeff's sights it's as if I am an X-men mutant in the presence of that creepy, bald very white child they called the cure and my powers vanish.

The weird thing is that right now...I feel very strong. I feel clear. I feel unafraid and brave and ready to face anything. Even weirder, I know it will fade the moment he calls me tomorrow.

It's him who is weak. I have to learn to not let it affect me this way. I have to find a way to be true to myself.

I respect his program and his progress, but I think I am nearing a breaking point here. I'm an awesome woman and if he's not ready to love me then I think it's time to finally give up once and for all.

But....

The sad thing is this...

There's something huge there. We can talk. We can be honest with each other. When we touch, it just melts me. I honestly believe he is the one for me and I believe I am the one for him.

We're so compatable that it's almost bizarre. We fit. We meld. We function as if we are one being who was split in two.

But only I got the ability to love.

I think that if this has to end, it will truly have to be the end for me. No more moping about, wishing for changes or suffering the loss.

If I end up deciding that I have to walk away, I will do so knowing I loved him truly, deeply and fully. I gave it everything I had.

He will be the one who loses.

He could never find another me.

I will try as hard as I can to give him a little more time, but I think time is running out.

He'll be hard to get over. I still have to work with him and that means he will affect me daily - and probably break my heart all over again.

But it just might be even harder to love him.

Friday, February 8, 2008

It's hard

It's hard to get back in the habit of blogging. I almost didn't blog today, but I am trying to 'journal' more and it does seem to help somehow - so here I am.

Jeff left for his father's funeral today. I took him to the airport and came home and took a nap. Anxiety is high, but I am trying to be calm. I emailed the women in my group to see if any of them would like a girl's night out tomorrow.

Jeff sortof suggested he had plans for Valentine's Day and I was surprised. I asked if I should plan a meal and he said no, he had it covered.

I'll be honest, I don't actually believe him. We'll see. Knowing Jeff he will give it about 10 minutes of thought on Wednesday night (the night before) and will find no reservations available.

After my birthday debacle, I hate to admit that I am expecting the worst.

What I REALLY want for Valentine's Day is his love. He could tell me he loved me over a McDonald's Happy Meal and make me very happy...if I believed he meant it.

I'm worried about him out of town and trying to be brave about it.

I hope the women will go out tomorrow.

I'm sure I will blog more...

Thursday, February 7, 2008

For Jenni

Ya know, Jenni - I'm starting to think you're not a real person. I have this theory that you are like my internet guardian angel or something. My i!angel.

Thank you for the birthday e-card. When I saw it you could have just about knocked me over with a feather. My family didn't call, Jeff forgot and it was a horrible day...and YOU remembered. Thank you.

In response to your comment - you're right. It should be said.

To be honest, recounting 8 months seems like an insurmountable task. A LOT happened. It wasn't that I wasn't writing out of happiness...

When we left off last June, I was trying to say I couldn't write my thoughts here anymore. And with good reason. Things sort of came to a head about that time and my life was so out of control that I could not bear to write about it.

I was sleeping with Jeff regularly and everytime we "hung out" it seemed to end in sex. But I was wanting more. It FELT like we were together, but I knew he was still chasing skirts all over town.

Somehow, we began the talk of "swinging". I think I encouraged it. I think that I felt that if I could control the OTHER women he saw and screwed around with...and was a part of it...that I would have control over him.

Wrong.

We posted a profile. We met a couple of other couples and once we met a woman. We never did anything, but we kept talking about it. We always had some excuse for not going through with it. The last woman we met was Anne. She was nice, but heavyset and a bit...well, just not my "type" I suppose. 1980's hair, blue eyeliner and worked in construction. I was pretty upset when she and Jeff began a secret text/phone thing. As far as I know they never met up.

I'll be honest. I did not want to "swing" but I did want to hold on to Jeff.

I kept pushing for a relationship. I tried to analyze everything. I tried to analyze Jeff. I would talk to him for hours. I asked once if I found a self-help type of book that resonated with him, would he read it and he said yes.

He said he felt "self-esteem" was the main issue. The first chance I got, I went to the local Borders and spent hours in the self-help section pouring over books.

One title "Don't Call it Love" caught my eye and I flipped through it. The title seemed ironic and I was smirking as I picked it up. But when I started to read, the smirk faded.

It was about Sex Addiction. I used to think it was a joke. But there was Jeff in black and white.

I bought it and fully expected him to throw it away.

He read it.

He saw himself in it. He was stunned, shocked, shaken and amazed. He began to read up on it. He looked for local 12 step meetings and found one. He made plans to go.

I was probably more stunned than he was.

One day I was flipping through it in his car and found a chapter on "Co-dependents of Sex Addicts".

Holy crap. It was me. It was so much me that I was stunned and very upset. All of the things I have never been able to understand about myself - and him - and us were there.

The things I did. My thoughts. My feelings. They were all there. I was never so taken aback. Jeff kept asking if I was ok and I told him that I was not. It really, really disturbed me.

We found that there were 12 step meetings for co-dependents too. I made plans to go as well.

Jeff's group meets on Mondays (or Thursdays). Mine meets Sundays. I am so happy to say we have both been going since the end of September and that we BOTH love our groups. Jeff has a sponsor and I have a room full of women who totally and completely understand me. We are working our programs.

We are finding ourselves. He is at his group as I write this...

In my group, we have small readings at the start. The one that I most identify with is this (I have highlighted the parts that REALLY strike me as being ME):

S-Anon members have much in common with the friends and family members of other addicted people. Most of us grew up in families with secrets, and we were not taught to think about our own needs and take positive action to meet them. As we grew up we felt more and more lonely and isolated as we chose friends and partners who could not or would not love and support us in a healthy way. We lived life from the standpoint of victims and perceived any personal criticism as a threat. For most of us, anger and depression were a way of life. We were so afraid of being left alone that anxiety and frustration were nearly constant. Whether or not we were exposed to sexaholism as children, most of us think that we acquired some unhealthy beliefs about ourselves very early in our lives - that we were not worthwhile and lovable, that we were able to control other people's behavior, and that sex was the most important sign of love.

What is different is that we have felt the additional shame of being involved with the sexaholism of a family member or friend. It does not matter a great deal whether that person was a member of our birth family, a partner, spouse, child, or someone outside the family like a friend, teacher, or boss. It does not matter whether we were willing, unwilling, or unknowing participants in the relationship - sexaholism deeply affected our lives. Our self-esteem dropped to lower and lower levels, and we doubted our attractiveness, our emotions, our sanity, and our human worth. We have felt betrayed by those we loved the most, and those of us who didn't know about the sexaholic behavior felt even more humiliated and stupid for not knowing. Many of us were sexually abused, exposed to sexually transmitted diseases and otherwise placed in physical danger. We were often afraid to trust others and reach out for help because we were afraid of what they would think of us or of the sexaholic.
strong

Some of us minimized the importance of the sexaholism by denying its existence or minimizing its importance. We stuffed our feelings of anger and abandonment to the point that we felt emotionally numb. We told ourselves things like "Everybody does this," "This shouldn't bother me," or even "It can't be true - he wouldn't do that." Others focused on the sexaholic and the sexual behavior to the point of obsession. We tried every known method to control it. We lied and covered up, spied at doorways, listened to private conversations, checked up on the sexaholic's whereabouts, read through journals and personal papers, begged, pleaded, and threatened. Some of us participated in sexual behavior that we did not enjoy or that made us ashamed of ourselves. Many of us tried to use sex to manipulate the sexaholic, thinking that being part of the acting out would give us a little bit more control over our lives. Most of felt that we must have done something to deserve this kind of treatment, and that happiness was for others, not for us. Some of us misused drugs, alcohol, or food to numb the pain; others used activities, such as shopping, exercising or working, to keep from feeling our emotions. We often neglected our health, our jobs and our children. No matter how we tried to struggle against it, deny it or minimize its effects, the failure of our efforts to cope with sexaholism brought us to the point of despair. This is what we mean when we say in the
First Step, "our lives had become unmanageable."

Now...if you have read me - have read my past from the Odd Wife to the Trouble with Red then you must see me in this. Remember when I felt that my husband must not love me since we didn't have frequent sex? Remember my constant spying on Jeff?

Yes, this has affected me DEEPLY.

But I know it now. I love my group. I have so far to go, but I have to say that having this support system is life-changing for me.

Regarding my family...

What family???

My father told me he didn't want anything to do with me if I spoke to Jeff again.He also suggested I was an unfit mother. My sister - the perpetual "daddy's girl" saw the opportunity to rise from the troublesome younger sibling to the GREAT one by following Daddy's footsteps.

I have not seen or spoken to any member of my family in more than 6-7 months...despite the fact that every single one of them lives within 15 minutes of me - and my father lives around the corner. They made a point to ignore and avoid me on every holiday - Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday and I will never, never, never forgive them for it. Remember - I was NOT back with Jeff when they turned their backs - I was simply talking to him. I have never been a criminal or a drug or alcohol abuser. I have only been a single mom working hard to try to support me and my daughter. For them to treat me this way is beyond unforgivable.

They are dead to me. Truly dead to me. I am tempted to say that I hate them, but that seems extreme. My father and my sister used to talk about moving to Tennessee all the time and I pray every day for them to move and be gone. I never want to see them again. Ever.

In my group, I learned a LOT about how my relationship with my father is a mirror of my situation with Jeff. My dad always witheld love and affection and rained verbal abuse on me. He has always fought to control me and whenever I made a choice that he did not agree with he would verbally abuse me and often stop speaking to me. Jeff doesn't do THAT, but the elements are similar. I am happy to have my father out of my life. I feel VERY good about that decision. I can only hope he moves SOON and that I never have to even know he is dead or alive again.

In truth, I largely blame my father for my issues with men and relationships.

Moving on.

I quit the restaurant job...I actually did it terribly. I didn't show up for work because I wanted to be with Jeff instead. I thought if I was not working nights, I could see him more and he would see other women less.

Jeff and I officially became a couple on October 8th. We're taking it VERY slow and I am frustrated by it. He says he does not know if he loves me because he doesn't know what love is and until he does, he does not want to mislead me.

On business...

Well, this has been the biggest change. The business that I talked about starting with Jeff back in June? Well....hah!!!!

We incorporated in July. We did over $600,000 in sales in our first 6 months working out of my home. Today, we have almost 8000 square feet of office space, several employees and about 1/2 million dollars of inventory. We invest almost everything BACK into the company, but our bills get paid and we're doing VERY well. I am proud.

Jeff and I share a large office. We work VERY well together. We always did.

The last 8 months have been a roller coaster to say the least....

I am sure I left a million things out. We just got back from a vacation to Costa Rica, we went to Atlanta on business and I met (and fell in love with) several of his family members.

***UPDATE***: Jeff is out of his meeting and tonight's topic struck him. It all dealt with the fear of abandonment and intimacy issues and he saw himself in it. Exactly what I have been hurting over and writing about. He's going to take the time to really read it again and think about it but I am praying it will be another breakthrough.

Because I would give anything for him to tell me that he was in love with me too. I feel so strongly that I have earned it and deserve it and I know I am starving to death for lack of it.

Here's hoping.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Wednesday

Jeff came over last night and it was nice.

Well, more than nice...

He hugged me and I honestly wished he could do it for hours. Days. Weeks. I have no idea what the reason is, but when he hugs me I just want to stay there forever. I have never felt that for anyone before. The smell, feel, touch - all of it just reaches me on the deepest level.

I love him.

I am in love with him.

Having said that....

I realize that doesn't mean we can or will work. I need to be loved back and if he isn't capable then I can never be happy with him. I am prepared for that. I am prepared to end our relationship for that.

Jeff and I have been together for so long that part of me is deeply disappointed that he isn't in touch with his feelings. I feel like he should know by now...

I want to be patient, but I have been patient for so long...I can not wait forever.

I hope he figures it out soon.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Me

A short time after last night's "panic" attack where I worried Jeff was cheating or something, this little voice inside of me finally spoke up.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

Hmm.

Jeff says he wants to be with me. He's working on himself in his program.

I'm just not happy....

I feel like he should KNOW how he feels about me by now. I feel like he should show me how he feels.

And hey, if he wants to screw around then I feel like he should do it....(and say goodbye to me).

I DON'T want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me.

I love Jeff. Always have. Probably always will. It doesn't me he loves me - or even if he does, that he can love me the way that I need to be loved. It doesn't mean I have to be with him.

Being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man is not much better than being alone - it just adds more headaches.

I have some thinking to do. He does too, but that's for HIM to figure out.

At this point, I think he's losing me.

Why?

I'm here because I need a place to journal. I don't know why it seems easier for me to journal here than privately....maybe because keeping the journal online keeps it off my computer directly, so-to-speak...maybe because it's familiar.

Jeff and I are back together for nearly 4 months "officially", although we began seeing one another as long ago as last May.

I'm just not happy.

For now, that's all.

I'm back....

To try to catch you up on the last 6+ months would be impossible.

The yadda-yadda/short version is this: Jeff and I are back together, but taking it slow, he's in a program for sex addicts and I am in a program for co-dependents, we started a business together working out of my home and now we have a great office and a business that seems to be growing, we just got back from Costa Rica and I have zero relationship with my family.

How's that?

Whew...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Private Post #1

I admit that I am confused, even if I feel like I am managing well.




There's so much going on that I haven't written and I hope under the guise of "private" blogging I can be more open with myself.




Sunday at work was a long, hellish day. Jeff texted me to ask if I wanted to "play". He found a 'couple' that wanted to 'swing' and was curious if I would do it with him. I told him I was in a horrible mood but I would meet them with him.




Truth be told, I couldn't even imagine wanting to. It's not that I wouldn't. I never have, but I am curious about it and in the right situation I might try...but this wasn't the night for it.




I met Jeff and Rachel and Pete at The Parrot. As soon as I walked in, I wanted to punch him. He was very sweet with his "Hey baby!"'s and rubbing my tired and stiff shoulders. Very showy for the couple. She was frumpy, short and heavy set and looked like a white trash version of my former sister-in-law and he was a short, stupid, wide-eyed redneck. They weren't 'ugly' but they had zero class and were nowhere near my 'type'.




We chatted over drinks and I began to surreptitiously poke fun at them...




Jeff got it and was nearly hysterical laughing but trying not to let on that he 'got it' and they were oblivious. At one point Pete mentioned he'd 'accidentally' stabbed a guy "18 times".




Me: "18 times? Accidentally???"


Pete: "Yep. Self defense"


Me: "18 times? One - oops! Two - oops! Three - oops! - - - Seriously?"


Pete: "Yep! Self defense"


Me" "You've been on 'Cops', haven't you?"


Rachel (laughing): "Naaaah! The closest we ever got to being on Cops was..."


Me: "Please don't finish that sentence...it's perfect the way it is...."


Jeff: uncontrollaby laughing




moments later - noticing a VERY haggard homeless man who kept offering us vodka from a paper bag (I swear this happened)




Rachel: Pete, he reminds me of your dad


Me: Are you serious?




Needless to say, we left.




Pete began to hit on me before we left. Telling me how beautiful I was and how perfect my chest was. I thought Jeff liked this until much later I found out that he didn't like it at all.




We went back to Jeff's place and had sexual olympics again.




I don't know how to even begin to describe our last two encounters. Wow...




Every position, multiple orgasms for us both, anal sex that rocked my world. Oral, anal, top, bottom, rough, tender, dirty talk - everything...amazing. Hours and hours....




I tried to leave several times and he kept pulling me back. He seemed to want to cuddle. Cuddling led to more sex. I kept whispering "You have to let me go". Part of me meant 'go home' and part of me meant just what I said. Release me. Let go of your hold on me.




I think on some level he heard me.




I didn't get home until almost 6 am. I was exhausted.




He called me first thing. He told me I had "many ways of making him smile" and then said he felt like we were "back together" and reminded me we weren't exclusive. I was confused as to where all of this came from. Later he explained. The idea of me sleeping with 'Pete' had pissed him off. He actually used the words "I realized I have to let you go to let you do what you want".




Ahhh. Jeff has feelings.




Jeff doesn't deal with feelings well. I know he loves me, but if that realization creeps into his head he gets squirrly on me. As he is now. He's signed up for Yahoo Personals (to replace me, I am sure)




Perfect example - here are the emails we exchanged yesterday:




From Jeff:




"You make me smile in many ways...although right now I am feeling a little rough :)

Sorry to hear you got lost, how did you do that?

Sounds like you are working every night this week so maybe we can talk about business Wed after your dinner.

Hope I made your night better :)"




I responded:




"I’m feeling rough myself.

I have no idea how I got lost. I guess I was tired and still a bit buzzed.

You did make my night better. Not so sure about my morning. Somehow, as usual, you manage to make me smile and scowl at the same time. It irritated me to realize I was second choice for company!!! LOL. A major blow to the ego!

Sorry it didn’t work out again with the couple. I still think you should think about contacting Mike and Liz for Sunday night. If you didn’t have the boys, I would suggest we look into Trapeze. I have no idea if they serve margaritas, but my guess is we could stop before we got there for them. You can check out the website after work and tell me what you think -
http://www.trapezeclub.com/trapnew/home.htm. Sat & Sun are couples only nights. Thurs is meet & greet night for new and current members.

In thinking about it, I wondered if I was being “too picky”. I still think we are both upscale people and no matter how curious I am about the lifestyle – if we try this for the first time with a couple that doesn’t really send me it could also end up being the “last” time. You know? That first experience is going to be important and I think a comfort level and attraction are important. If something goes wrong that first time, I’m not sure I’d stick with it. I need to feel safe, comfortable and secure. I’m not really looking to just observe you fucking other women. You can do that without me and I’m better than that. Even with an attractive couple I may need help to relax with them. It may be that we start out by going to Trapeze ourselves and at first we may just be fooling around with each other until the right person/people come along at the right moment. I think if I am already relaxed and turned on then I’m probably going to be easier to take that leap…I know I’m comfortable with you (and you know what I can be like if I am comfortable!) so I still feel like you are an important part of the equation…

I do have standards. They apply to any man (or woman or couple). I suppose that I think highly enough of myself and I am secure enough in myself not to be quite so willing to lower them, you know"




He responded:




"I can't go on AFF during the day, why dont you see if you can contact them and set up Sun night.

I was thinking through the whole selection process and I think we are making progress on what we want. I agree that we are significantly above average on looks and brains in this segment of the population, I hope I am proven wrong at some point...lol. But seriously, I agree that the club scene may make the most sense because even if we see or speak with someone that doesn't want to be with us, we can kind of determine a type. I think I was just looking for people local to start with and even though we didnt go through with either of them, I think it gave us a great deal of insite.

As far as being second choice, I think we both know where we stand with each other.

I agree that we need to respect each other and I think we are good on that. I guess I am looking at it as does the woman have to be better looking than you and the man better looking than me for us to be willing to go to the next level and I am not convinced the answer isn't yes...lol. But time will tell, the next question will be does either of us have an issue when we get to that point, honestly I have to be careful not to be too protective of you and let you do what you want to do and I will work on that to find the balance.

Bottom line, neither of us needs to lower our standards to make something happen, if it happens it will happen when the time is right, until then we experiment and repeat last night over and over...lol"




I responded:




"You said some things today that raise issues that we need to talk about and I am glad you did.

Did something happen to get too close or to scare you last night? Was it something that I did?

I know you say that we know where we stand, but I guess I am not entirely sure that it’s true and want to make sure it doesn’t create a problem on several levels. I’m upfront about my feelings – you know I have them, I just keep them compartmentalized. I can’t be in a relationship with you or anyone – at least not right now. I have learned to never say “never”, but I don’t see any changes on the horizon. I like my life. When I am with you, I enjoy you more because of the connection but when we are apart I am fine too. On the other hand, my presumption is that you have feelings of your own and aren’t sure how to define them or what they mean. You have serious intimacy issues and you tend to punish me when you feel too close to me. My hope is that you will come to see you can have feelings and not be ‘with’ me and it’s still ok. I really hope you find a way to make it ok in your own mind so we don’t have to go through our usual love/hate cycle but my fear is that you’re already questioning those same feelings and that you’re going to give me that old familiar ‘push from a moving car’ in the near future. I only want to find balance. I like to enjoy you in and out of bed (and WOW have the last few times been MIND BLOWING!!!!!!) and I have gotten really good at putting whatever I feel into the box marked “Jeff” and shutting the lid when we part. Sometimes I feel more than other times but I always enjoy our time together without regret or worry or jealousy. I know that we have always had a connection on a deeper level than either of us has ever been able to deal with well and I just hope that if you are coping with your own fears or feelings that you will find a way to balance it without feeling like you have to push, run or hide. I have no expectations of you and I think we’re “cool”. I know I tease you and tell you that I know you love me and that’s not really respectful of me and I am sorry for that.

I think this is probably the most important talk we can have. It will avoid drama if/when we are working together, swinging or dating. I’m not really sure what you were trying to tell me on the phone earlier. Did you get the impression I thought we were exclusive? Did I somehow lead you to believe I expected more of you? You said it felt like we were back together. Can you tell me what I did that bothered you? I tried to remember if I did or said anything but I couldn’t come up with it.

You are closer to me than a stranger in a club is going to be. To whatever degree we get involved with another couple, there will be certain things I don’t do with those men. I wouldn’t let them get rough with me or anything like that. There are things between you and I that are born from trust and comfort levels and I think we’re pretty much finding these days that we’re entirely comfortable there!!! (Sorry, flashback to last night just made me dizzy…wow!!!!!!!!!)

Hey – on a lighter note, it’s a HUGE relief we didn’t have sex like this when we lived together. We would have killed each other.

I’m not sure it’s all about looks. I don’t think it’s a great challenge to find a girl prettier than me – I’ve always known that my personality is what takes me from average to above average and I am comfortable with that. When I walk into a room, people don’t stop and stare but when I spend time with them they tend to find themselves attracted to me.

Anyway – let’s clarify what we can. I don’t want to find ourselves at odds over a misunderstanding now or later.

I wish I could say all of this better. I have a feeling I am still not getting it across."




From there I went to work. The NO SLEEP was killing me and I felt like hell. I was home by 10 and exhausted. The minute I signed online, he was there...




The conversation continued in IMs:





Session Start


Mon Jun 18 21:54:45 2007


[21:54] Jeff: are you there?


[21:55] christine: Yep


[21:55] Jeff: I sent you an email...she wants to meet us...not tonight..but I think she is cute and she is solo


[21:56] christine: My night was fine, how about yours? :)


[21:56] Jeff: laundry...poker...aff....lol


[21:56] Jeff: are you ok?


[21:57] christine: I think so


[21:57] christine: I've felt better


21:57] Jeff: I went through your comments on the hot list and deleted the nos


[21:58] Jeff: me too...I am dead but I have to stay awake until my laundry is done


[21:58] christine: Give me just a minute? brb Have to walk Dutch


[21:58] Jeff: ok...check out the pic when you get a chance


[22:10] christine: Ok, back


[22:10] Jeff: folding give me a sec


[22:14] Jeff: back


[22:15] christine: I can't see her profile. Can you tell me anything?


[22:15] Jeff: she is 34 bi and lives in Miami


[22:15] Jeff: looking for a couple


[22:15] Jeff: likes to be the 3rd


[22:15] christine What does that mean?


[22:16] Jeff: what part?


[22:16] christine: The 3rd?


[22:16] Jeff: me you and her


[22:17] Jeff: I mean she likes being with couples


[22:17] Jeff: do you think she is cute?


[22:17] christine: What's she into? Is she single or married? Personality? Did she see our pics? Any more specifics on what she wants? What did you talk about so far?


[22:17] christine: She's prettier than me, that's for sure


[22:17] Jeff: she has seen our pics


[22:17] Jeff: she thinks you are hot and she thinks I am cute


[22:18] christine: Ok, let me be more specific - lol


[22:18] Jeff: told her I needed your approval


[22:18] christine: Awww


[22:18] Jeff: I think that would be the respect part of our earlier conversation


[22:19] christine: She's gorgeous. Intimidatingly gorgeous. And you talked to her already. I just need my own comfort level too so I don't end up reading a book while you are fucking the hot chick and I'm dealing with insecurities, lol


[22:19] Jeff: lol she is at sandraxxxxx(edited)


[22:19] Jeff: on yahoo


[22:20] Jeff: I told her the first thing would be to meet for a drink and see if we click


[22:20] christine: I guess I didn't realize until I saw her picture that I might be more intimidated by fmf than by couples so I'm trying to find a way to approach it and maintain that comfort level


[22:20] christine: She's definitely hot


[22:20] christine: You sure you need me for this? LOL


[22:20] christine: What all did you talk about already?


[22:20] Jeff: yes, I want to play with you and her at the same time


[22:21] christine: Does yahoo allow a 3way chat?


[22:21] Jeff: just intial talk...where we live etc


[22:21] Jeff: yes


[22:21] christine: No sex talk to get a sense for what she likes?


[22:22] Jeff: not yet...told her we blew off a couple and had a 3 hour sexathon last night and she said she wished she was there...


[22:22] christine: lol


[22:22] christine: Is she on now?


[22:22] Jeff: she hasnt answered my last post to do a 3 way chat so if she does I will let you know


[22:23] Jeff: do you have conference as a button above?


[22:24] christine: Come back to this window until she answers


22:25] Jeff: ok


[22:25] Jeff: how was work?


[22:25] christine: It was ok. Just feeling really tired and headachey


[22:25] christine: Didn't eat all day


[22:26] Jeff: I ate all day...lol


[22:26] christine: Just feel icky. Sleep will be good today


[22:26] christine: Did you meet her in chat?


[22:26] Jeff: I have to get my laundry done...1 more hour


[22:26] Jeff: yes...


[22:27] Jeff: I was asking about Trapeze and was told to check out another place


Jeff: good to know pretty people swing too


[22:49] christine: But I am apparently going to need clothes


[22:49] Jeff: when do you need an excuse for that...lol


[22:50] christineslager: You're going to have a shopping trip with me in the near future!!! If there is one thing you should have learned by now it's that the fem in the couple is the bait[22:50] christine: So you're going to want to invest yourself and your sexual fantasies in me looking very, very pretty :)


[22:50] Jeff: lol


[22:51] Jeff: I have to get my back waxed, going to Stephanie's salon for free..lol


[22:51] christine: Now?


[22:51] Jeff: no..next week


[22:51] Jeff: her salon


[22:51] christine: How's that going?


[22:52] Jeff: seems to be going good..I talked to her tonight and she isnt clingy at all


[22:52] christineslager: Maybe you were hasty in ending it


22:53] Jeff: well she is looking for the normal relationship and you know I cant do that


[22:53] christine: So what are you going to do?


[22:53] Jeff: I am doing her a favor


[22:53] Jeff: do the once a week for a few weeks..say its not working and be done


22:53] christine: lol


[22:54] Jeff: its an exit stategy


[22:54] christine: Aha...lol


[22:54] christine: When's my expiration date? lol


[22:54] christine: Such a player


[22:54] Jeff: lol...my exit stategy with you was obviously fucked up


[22:54] Jeff: I guess death


[22:55] christine: Um...


[22:55] christine: mine or yours????


[22:55] christine: lol


[22:55] Jeff: lol..tbd


[22:55] Jeff: first one to go saves a place in hell for the other


[22:55] christine: Hmmm, serious question time. Do I need to have you using condoms with me? I don't want to get sick


[22:55] Jeff: I bet there are swinger clubs in hell


[22:56] christine: I'm sure, lol


[22:56] Jeff: I have only been with you and Stephanie...and I use condoms with her


[22:56] christine: You don't even have any!


[22:56] christine: Fibber


[22:56] Jeff: I do too


[22:56] Jeff: at her house


[22:56] Jeff: we dont have sex at my house


[22:57] christine: You know, if we swing you'd have to use them ESPECIALLY there


[22:57] Jeff: I know


[22:57] Jeff: thats the down side


[22:57] christine Yep


[22:57] Jeff: getting a long term couple would be good eventually ...lol


[22:57] christine: Yep


[22:58] Jeff: the person that can invent something better will be rich quick


[22:59] christine: Ok, so before my headache knocks me out and we both fall asleep, are you ready for a brief conversation on the dark side of all of this?


[22:59] Jeff: male supplied I mean...there is more shit than you can shake a stick at for women


[22:59] Jeff: sure


[22:59] Jeff: what let me check my laundry


[22:59] Jeff: wait


[23:05] christine: Ok


[23:06] christine: I pretty much like things the way they are. Not wanting that to change. I just want to make sure I don't become just the girl to fuck. I want to keep the friendship and be able to work together too.


[23:06] christine: It's not you, I wouldn't really want that with anyone


[23:06] christine: i don't feel like it's been that way, but I want to make sure it doesn't change


[23:07] Jeff: ok..that was going to be my question...


[23:07] christineslager: What?


[23:07] Jeff: do you feel it has been that way


[23:07] christine: No


[23:07] christine: We've hung out, talked about life outside bed, seen movies and been friends first in my opinion


[23:08] Jeff: I agree and even though it seems like it we dont have to have sex everytime we see each other


[23:08] christine: if you remove our history it's pretty much exactly what I'm up for


[23:08] christine: lol


[23:08] christine: I know. I have no worries about that.


[23:08] christine: I don't feel that way. I enjoy sex with you and I don't feel like we HAVE to but it sure is nice when we do, lol!


[23:09] Jeff: lol..did we really have 3 hours of sex last night?


[23:09] christine: That's no issue with me at all. I don't feel like it's expected


[23:09] christine: Hon, we had olympic sex twice in like 4 days


[23:09] christine: We outdid most porn


[23:09] Jeff: lol


[23:09] christine: I'm thinking it was only exhaustion and time that stopped us from fucking to death


[23:09] Jeff: lol


[23:10] christine: But seriously - WOW


[23:10] christine: We got good :)


[23:10] Jeff: I fell asleep by the time you went from reverse to drive in the dirveway


[23:10] christine: Clearly I did too since I ended up in the port


[23:10] Jeff: we definately know each other better


[23:11] christine: i think we actually get along better


[23:11] Jeff: and for some reason I think ...exactly


[23:11] christine: lol


[23:11] Jeff: going back to the :"if you dont expect too much from me I wont let you down


[23:12] Jeff: 11:11


[23:12] christine: lol


[23:12] christine: I was worried when you called this morning


[23:12] christine: You sounded scared, lol


[23:12] Jeff: I was worried you ran into a ditch or something


[23:12] christine: lol, no - I mean about the "It feels like we're together again" speech you laid on me


[23:13] Jeff: oh...I think I was just realizing that I have to let go more to feel good about you being with someone else


[23:14] christine: Well, that's why i think this is a good talk to have and even better in text


[23:14] Jeff: being the selfish one...I was only thinking of me and at some point last night or this morning I started thinking about you


[23:14] christine: The connection is always going to be there - that's clear. It's ok to care about each other and not be together like couples are


[23:15] christine: In a very twisted sense there are parts of us that always seem to (i don't know) belong? to each other. that's ok. We've been clear on everything


[23:15] christine: We'll just make sure we keep friendship first, respect and talk if we start to freak out before a misunderstanding happens


[23:16] Jeff: I think I was ok with you being with a girl but the thought of you being with a guy hit me


[23:16] christine: lol


[23:16] Jeff: especially that loser last night


[23:16] christine: Well, it would be the same for me to see you with a girl, but i think if we're doing it together it's different


[23:16] christine: lol


[23:16] christine: That actually speaks to one of my deepest darkest fears about you, lol


[23:17] Jeff: I was thinking you would be ulitmately the one to approve both, but last night I realized I had an opinion on what I thought you should do


[23:17] christine: And you have that


[23:17] christine: I GIVE you that right


[23:17] christine: We do it together


[23:17] Jeff: cool[23:18] Jeff: that was the getting your approval tonight...I thought that was respectful[23:18] christine: It was, and I appreciate it. We are definitely learning this together - I learned a few things too[23:18] christine: I learned that I tend to feel insecure when you find, meet and establish a connection before me because then I feel like I'm a 3rd wheel, lol[23:18] christine: I have to find my way of dealing with that because it's not anything wrong[23:19] Jeff: I dont feel like a third wheel with Sparky and whats her name...maybe that just comes with time[23:20] christine: I think I just want to be sure I never end up the "wing man" and that you find a hot girl you want to fuck but she won't do it without me and I become just a prop[23:21] Jeff: no I won't use you that way...[23:21] christine: lol, yes you would[23:21] christine: But I'd like to believe otherwise[23:21] christine: lol[23:21] Jeff: the sex we have is too good...[23:21] christine: It is pretty fucking amazing[23:21] christine: I feel like it should be documented or something - I mean....WOW[23:22] Jeff: lol[23:22] Jeff: I feel like I am in my 20s again[23:22] christine: It's sort of like this "aha" moment of Oooooh, so THAT'S how it's done[23:22] christine: I thought sex was good before but damn....[23:22] Jeff: it is pre-marriage sex...I mean pre being 28[23:23] christine: And I have no idea why things work with you the way that they do but somehow - you fit right, I trust you, I feel secure and comfortable with you - it just all fits and makes for this great experience[23:23] christine: Maybe that's why I am trying to be so careful not to upset a pretty great balance[23:23] Jeff: thats my magic...lol[23:23] christine: No, seriously - I mean SERIOUSLY[23:23] christine: lol[23:24] christine: Even the anal sex thing - never NEVER did anything for me and somehow you turn it into this unbelievable thing[23:24] christine: To the point that I start to beg for it[23:24] christine: lol[23:24] Jeff: see...the 20 something scene was have sex like that...get bored...dump the girl...she stalks me until I am an asshole [23:24] Jeff: repeat[23:24] christine: Yes. You got the asshole thing out of the way with me upfront. lol[23:25] Jeff: I know thats the great thing...[23:25] Jeff: there is no pressure to stay faithful and no preconceptions[23:25] christine: But I feel like I said or did something to scare you last night...?[23:26] Jeff: no I think it was the realizing that I had an opinion about you being with a guy and felt like you had the right to choose on your own and then thinking that I am asking you to choose both and then thinking I should put in my opinion[23:27] Jeff: hows that for a run-on sentence[23:28] christine: That was why you brought up wanting to make sure I wasn't thinking we were exclusive or that it felt like we were together again? lol - You confused me with that. I kept trying to think of where it came from.[23:28] Jeff: make sense now[23:28] Jeff: ?[23:29] Jeff: I am out of cigarettes because somebody took 6 instead of 3[23:29] christine: I know that you actively seek out women to date. I don't do that. I don't feel any need for it. I'm not anxious to get involved with someone and I feel like if and when someone comes along - then they come along and I deal with it then. [23:29] christine: Hmph, I hope she was worth it[23:29] christine: So i don't want you to worry that just because I am not trying to find someone means I am trying to keep a hold on you[23:30] christine: i just do it differently[23:30] Jeff: I stopped doing that...Stephanie is a lingering past problem but from here on I am up front...[23:30] christine: And that's really entirely your business and I'm not trying to pry[23:30] christine: I think when I tried to analyze it all that was what I came up with - that maybe you thought that the fact that I wasn't actively dating was an issue[23:30] Jeff: but I am still looking around...it may kill me but I could have sex every night I think[23:31] christine: Condoms....[23:31] Jeff: I know..[23:31] Jeff: I have to keep it in moderation...[23:31] christine: You haven't actually had to deal with me dating anyone either. [23:32] Jeff: nope you have been out with a few people but it didnt bother me[23:32] christine: I've dated casually and not really been open to more[23:32] christine: I'm still not but if the right person came along, I'm not about to say "never"[23:33] Jeff: I told you I expect that day to come[23:33] christine: It's not on the horizon at the moment[23:34] christine: Which is all that really matters right now[23:34] Jeff: lol...carpe dium[23:34] christine: Yep[23:34] christine: diem[23:34] christine: lol[23:34] Jeff: lol[23:34] christine: When it comes, it'll be scary because I will want to find a way to NOT lose my best friend over it too[23:34] Jeff: we can sneak around...lol[23:35] christine: (eye roll)[23:35] christine: Ok, I feel good that we're good[23:35] Jeff: finding a guy that understands our relationship and is not intimidated by it will be impressive[23:35] christine: lol[23:35] christine: Um...yeah[23:35] christine: Because OF COURSE that's what you do, right?[23:35] christine: lol[23:36] Jeff: lol[23:36] Jeff: hey when the day comes I will be happy for you[23:36] christine: Gee, Linda, Beth, Kim, Sally - I really like you and I'm thrilled to be your boyfriend so I hope you don't mind my best friend is my ex-fiancee and we still fuck[23:36] christine: That's ok, right??[23:36] christine: No you won't[23:37] christine: but we'll worry about problems when problems arise[23:37] Jeff: dont date sally's[23:37] Jeff: probably not Beths either[23:37] Jeff: Kim and Linda...probably[23:37] christine: Don't need your roster.[23:37] Jeff: lol[23:38] Jeff: hey...I could go with a day of the week theme.[23:38] christine: Excuse me????[23:38] Jeff: you know someone every Monday...[23:38] christine: (sigh)[23:38] christine: Ok....[23:38] Jeff: that would narrow it to 7[23:39] christine: Back to the lesson[23:39] christine: 7, really?[23:39] christine: Wow, good luck with that.[23:39] christine: I'll miss the fun![23:39] Jeff: yes there are 7 days in a week[23:39] christine: Do you remember one of the first things I told you when we FIRST hooked up?[23:39] Jeff: sure[23:39] christine: Right, lol[23:39] Jeff: lol[23:39] christine: The day I am just another chorus girl in your stable is the day you go your own way[23:40] Jeff: no seriously I cant have sex every night...[23:40] Jeff: I am too old for that shit[23:41] Jeff: so...one revolving and our deal?[23:41] christine: I'm worth more than that in every way[23:41] christine: lol[23:41] christine: I'm not going to limit you[23:41] Jeff: lol[23:41] christine: But if you think you are assigning me a day of the week then this is done[23:41] christine: lol[23:41] Jeff: lol[23:41] Jeff: you can pick any day...lmao[23:41] christine: Have a nice life :)[23:41] christine: lol[23:42] christine: Good luck finding a new best friend who gets you and has amazing sex with you and lets you fuck other women![23:42] Jeff: I do think we need to try to keep the going out to a routine though[23:42] christine: lol[23:42] Jeff: Sunday nights are bad...lol[23:43] christine: Every night is bad this way[23:43] christine: But hey - if there was a cool movie, concert or event...? [23:44] Jeff: I am going to be working 8-5 M and F at PartsBase, Noon-8 TWT at PartsBase, 8-Noon TWT at Jet Repair Anywhere[23:44] christine: I agree that it would be easier to have a preset day we knew that we could hang out - but how would it work and then you are just assigning me a day again[23:45] Jeff: managing 1 person overseeing 50 and administering all ads for PartsBase...[23:45] christine: A weekend night is ideal, but you have the kids[23:45] Jeff: I know and now the weekday night is going to have to be Mon or Fri so she is going to be pissed but she also is bitching about money and this should help[23:46] Jeff: got the business card changed ...7174 will be Jet Repair anywhere...add a 3rd phone to your belt[23:46] christine: off subject[23:46] Jeff: lol[23:47] Jeff: I need a smoke[23:47] christine: I can always coordinate my work nights (except Tuesdays) [23:47] christine: but you don't have a regular schedule either[23:48] Jeff: I will...when there are no demonstrations for JRA I can go out because I can get a litttle more sleep[23:48] Jeff: every other weekend will be back in August[23:48] christine: What if we left it up in the air but tried to coordinate every other Saturday since Brad always has Taylor overnight?[23:49] christine: Then however busy we get, we know we can hang out then and still sleep in on a Sunday. the rest we just wing like we usually do when we need to[23:49] christine: I don't know.[23:50] Jeff: thats my only weekend night so I would like to be able to do some other things sometimes I think but thats a good start[23:51] christine: Well, then we either don't hang out at all or it goes on like this which is exhausting[23:51] christine: lol[23:51] Jeff: lol[23:52] Jeff: I have 4 days per month to go out and sleep in [23:52] christine: I don't know what to tell you[23:52] Jeff: thats crazy...I need to get the JRA going smooth and then I can sleep in 5 days[23:53] christine: Ok, before I hit bed - are we still thinking we're meeting up Weds to talk business?[23:53] Jeff: yep fo sho[23:53] christine: oy[23:53] christine: I need sleep. Have a good night, homey[23:53] Jeff: lol..peace outSession Close (Jeff): Mon Jun 18 23:53:59 2007 Session Start (christine:Jeff): Mon Jun 18 23:54:06 2007[23:54] christine: Oh....[23:54] christine: btw[23:54] christine: (Link: http://www.swingersdateclub.com)www.swingersdateclub.com/ - we may want to check it out[23:54] christine: Like AFF but swingers only[23:54] christine: I hate that term, btw[23:54] Jeff: what is aff[23:54] christine: ???[23:54] Jeff: I thought it was swingers[23:55] christine: It's everything.[23:55] christine: SDC looks free[23:55] christine: Havent' looked too much yet[23:55] christine: It was linked to Miami Velvet[23:55] Jeff: I am sure they charge [23:55] Jeff: ok you want me to sign up[23:55] christine: Not yet, let me explore it[23:55] Jeff: I think there is a discount to Miami Velvet if you are a member[23:57] Jeff: hey are we full swap same room or full swap completely open...lol[23:57] christine: What do you think?[23:57] Jeff: I think same room at least at first[23:57] christine: hmmmm, hang on[23:58] Jeff: although I know you are a big girl and can take care of yourself so it doesnt matter[23:58] christine: That's a 180 from our talk earlier - be consistent[23:58] Jeff: and based on the options its the same as aff[23:59] Jeff: no once we have gotten to that point you have to make your own decisions on what you want to do...I can voice my opinion on the choice but the actions are your decision[00:00] christine: I'm going to start naming your mulitple personalities[00:00] Jeff: lol[00:00] Jeff: full swap is different from group or FMF[00:00] christine: I know[00:00] christine: I'm not sure about group[00:01] Jeff: that is your fantasy...MFFM[00:01] christine: That's full swap[00:01] Jeff: thats group[00:01] Jeff: full swap is one on one with the others partner[00:01] christine: No, group is FMMFMFMFMFMMFMFMFM[00:01] Jeff: lol[00:01] christine: full swap means FMFM - two couples[00:02] Jeff: or am I completely off the mark[00:02] christine: Yep[00:02] christine: I think full swap appeals because we both have each other with another person so it distributes the pressure, lol[00:02] Jeff: lol[00:02] christine: It could be FMF at one point, FF at another[00:02] christine: Just not MM[00:02] Jeff: ABSOLUTELY[00:03] christine: lol[00:03] christine: MFM[00:03] Jeff: eh[00:03] christine: It's a feel your way thing, I think[00:03] Jeff: never done the MFM thing[00:03] christine: MFM might be you fucking the F with her sucking the M[00:03] christine: While another F is there[00:03] Jeff: of course never done full swap either[00:03] christine: We won't LOOK for a single man, I mean[00:04] christine: He has to be part of a couple[00:04] Jeff: ok...thats cool...would you like that?[00:04] christine: lol[00:04] christine: Um....[00:05] christine: remember when I showed you my 'favorite' thing was using my vibrator while going down on you?[00:05] Jeff: lol...ok got it[00:05] christine: lol[00:05] christine: But it's strictly a feel our way thing, i think[00:05] christine: We'll figure it out[00:05] Jeff: fun learning...[00:05] christine: We'll just go slow. Neither of us wants to fuck it up and end it[00:06] Jeff: true[00:06] Jeff: but there is no shortage of supply...damn[00:06] christine: We'll just tread lightly and carefully. If you start to get carried away, remind yourself that you'll have a fine time replacing me in this scenario[00:06] Jeff: that is another thing I think I am surprised about...and making me feel like we can be more selective


[00:07] christine: So, when I sign on - say "Hi! How are you?" before you say "I found a girl I want to fuck, did you see her???"


[00:07] christine: lol


[00:07] Jeff: glad we are learning on the ugly people though


[00:07] Jeff: lol


[00:08] christine: I signed up for a user name, they email the pw - hasn't arrived yet. User name will be playtime4us no idea about pw[00:08] Jeff: I think its another aff


[00:08] christine: We'll see


[00:08] christine: Just keep cool about it. Let's make sure we do this right


[00:09] christine: Because it would suck if we botch it and can't do it


[00:09] Jeff: I will, I think tonights girl was better than the last 2


[00:09] Jeff: lol


[00:09] christine: Part of the swinger club rules emphasize reassuring your partner and respecting them


[00:09] christine: Watch that one, lol


[00:10] Jeff: lol...reassuring or respecting


[00:10] christine: BOTH


[00:10] Jeff: got the respect thing down I think..the reassuring thing I suck at


[00:10] christine: The day you make me feel like bait will be a bad day for us both


[00:11] Jeff: ok..not great at the respect thing but I am trying


[00:11] christine: You've done ok so far, just be careful


[00:11] Jeff: When I am talking to women for us I make sure they want you as much or more than me


[00:12] Jeff: if she is just looking for m then I dont include you...whether you want to know about it is up to you[


00:12] christine: That's a GREAT start


[00:13] christine: Almost


[00:13] christine: lol


[00:13] christine: Ok - enough. I don't care how good we fuck, I am going to sleep now



[00:13] christine: lol


[00:13] Jeff: lol.good night

Monday, June 18, 2007

It was bound to happen

I've reached a point in my life where I feel secure enough in my thoughts and emotions to take this blog private for awhile.

I know some commenters will think I am hiding, but I am not. I promise. I've heard you all and I know the things you say have truth in them. Even without the entire story (just my side) you do strike chords.

It isn't that I am afraid of who reads or being judged either. I just feel like there are things happening in my life that I need to be able to blog freely about without hesitation.

I will go public again, but while I go through this - I need my time to "think aloud" alone.

I hope you understand. By tomorrow I will go private for a bit. One day when I go public again, you'll have lots of catching up to do since I plan to continue to blog here even privately.

TGIM

Thank God it's Monday.

Bet you never hear that one.

After a hellacious weekend, it ended on a good note and I'm relieved Monday is here.

I saw Jeff for a bit. We met up with another couple for drinks. Jeff was great and as usual, it ended in amazing sex. We seem to be far more open with each other and exploring new things together and in bed it's been nothing short of mind-blowing sex for many hours at a time, leaving us both dazed and limp after.

He did cross the line though.

He seemed to not want to let me go. He seemed to want me to stay, to sleep beside him, to lay in his arms. I think it afected him because I got the call this morning (just now) about boundaries and feelings.

I pointed out that I felt I was doing a great job of keeping him compartmentalized and that the problem may be on HIS end and he agreed. He admitted that he wants to see other people but hinted that he was worried about how he would feel about me being with another man.

We plan to talk more in email. We're both at work and he talks better in text just the same.

So for the time being, I can focus on the sex.

WOW....

I know I bitched about Jeff not being Superman in the sack when we split - and it actually was true, but lately....

Holy crap....

Short of introducing other people into bed, we've done it all and it's gone really, really well. There are things he can physically do to me and with me that I never enjoyed with other people and with him it's fantastic. Things I didn't even know that I liked. We have relaxed enough to talk dirty, to role-play a bit. Sometimes he dominates, sometimes I do. No matter what we try lately, it works too well.

So...of course, he is scared.

And he should be. I can openly admit that I will always love him but can never be with him in an exclusive relationship but he lost the best he's ever going to find when he lost me and I think he's beginning to realize it.

Hence him initiating feelings talks.

I have no pity for him in this area. Jeff never really had a heart to break. If he somehow gets hurt in this process he can deal with it the same way that I had to. Get strong, survive and move on.

I can be with him, love him and enjoy him and still go home and turn it off. It took getting my heart shattered to be able to do it.

There's a small part of me that wouldn't be sorry if he had to go through it too. An eye for an eye.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Drama Queen in Dramaville

So....I went to the party last night

BIG mistake.

The party was thrown by a couple girls we call the "little sisters" because they're younger than we are. We adore them, but let's face it - we know what young girls are like.

Every imaginable scenario of drama unfolded at this party. There were at one point 7 separate circles of screaming matches going on. I was not directly involved in any of them but my friend Jess had a co-starring role in one of them so I was "lumped in". At one point, one of the "little sisters", Kayla, started screaming at me that I "told too much truth" and needed to stop. I kept my cool but I am angry at her.

I text messaged Jeff saying "I kinda wish you were here" and this morning he texted me back about 20 times while I tried to sleep. He asked me to ditch work and go to a concert with him and his kids but I can't make it. I have to work. 3 people already called in and my calling in would go badly.

I think Jeff's displaying a more serious attachment to me with each passing day. I still admit that I love him, but I have no idea where he's going with this. I don't see how we could ever be more than we are right now.

I'm irritated and tired and NOT looking forward to working tonight because more drama is sure to unfold but I guess it's time to head there and face it all.

But I do wish I was with Jeff instead.