*Beep* *Beep* *Beep*

That sound you hear is me backing up...

A text message, IM, email and phone call all received from Jeff got me to spend time with him last night. It was fun but today it has me thinking...

Time to back up. Back off. Slow down.

Having seen him now 3 times in the span of 1 week is too much. Too close.

While it's not that I don't want to see him, it IS that I need to slow that down. That's too much like dating for me without the love.

I was talking to my friend Jess who has a somewhat similar situation in her life and told her that I envied her. The difference with her is that she is trying to get back together. She has hope for a future. There is no hope for a future here.

3 times in 1 week isn't fun and games. It's not even an occasional distraction. It's an invasion.

I will say that all 3 times was Jeff's initiating the fun and that's unusual so it's probably why I was so willing to play - but it's just too much togetherness for me.

So...backing off.

Tonight is my Boyz-R-Stoopid party. (Yes, us girls know we can be stoopid too...) A lot of women feeling like I feel in varying situations coming together for a little group release. Jeff swears he is crashing the party and I repeatedly warned him that I refuse to be responsible for his safety if he tries.

Tonight should be a bit therapeutic. My circle of friends and I all helping each other through our dramas with laughter, comfort foods, chick flicks and gossip.

I'm on Jeff-hiatus for the time being. 3 times is just crossing a line from fun and friendly to ... I don't know what...

And how do I move on and find new toys (I mean boys!) if all my free time is spent with Jeff?

Yep. Hiatus. Starts now.

And Again

After an 'ok' night at work, Jeff texted me and emailed me and wanted to hang out. By the time he called I figured out he REALLY wanted to hang out, so hang out we did.

It was fun.

And of course, there was sex.

Probably a perfect prelude to my Boyz R Stoopid party...

Bedtime...

Boyz R Stoopid

Taylor has a slumber party to attend this Thursday night to celebrate graduation and with an empty house in my hands - what else to do but host a social gathering?

Since I'm usually nothing if not unique, I am calling to order a Boyz R Stoopid party for the "walking wounded" - the girls I know who have a beef with cupid. Refreshments to include cheesecake, cookies, chocolate, Haagen Daas, brownies, Cosmopolitans and Appletinis. There's much debate on whether we should have cookies and brownies or cookie dough (which may or may not get cooked) and brownie mix (which also may or may not be actually cooked).

Entertainment will be chick flicks - The Holiday, Under the Tuscan Sun and any other film where girl meets boy, boy breaks girls heart, girl goes on to far better life and far better boy.

Invites are already out. Girls are excited and amused. Happy women in stable relationships are strictly forbidden to attend.

Let the coven converge.

Absolutely. Deeply. Always.

Someone asked me two questions today. (1) Had I ever been in love and (2) Had I ever been loved?

My answer was the same to both.

Absolutely. Deeply. Always.

Just because you can't be with someone doesn't mean you don't love them or stop loving them. It only means you can not be together.

There's more to life than finding the love of your life. You have to find the love of your life that you can be with. That's my path.

I loved Jeff absolutely, deeply and always. It doesn't matter how horrible he can be or what has happened in the past or what happens in the future. I'll always love him. I'll just never be with him again.

But I also know that he loved me the same way. I know that will never change. Lord knows we've both tried everything from hatred to ambivalence and it never dies. We just can never be together.

There's a Hinder song called "Better than Me". Jeff emailed me to say it reminded him of me. I can see that.

Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie reminds me of him.

When he and I do hang out, it's not all about the booty call. We literally hang out. We laugh, we talk, we compare news and stories and plans. We can talk about all of the things that would be taboo to say to anyone else.

I know that it will never matter who comes along in his life. He dates women all of the time - none of them connect to him like I did. It's the same for me. I told him once that his girlfriends don't bother me because I have as much of Jeff as anyone ever has had or ever will have. He agreed. Maybe the same is true in reverse.

It hardly matters. It only makes it harder to find someone new because they have to reach me on a deeper level and strike a spark greater than Jeff ever did.

Moving on will never be easy. But I am and I will. There will be someone someday. When I am ready.

And I am not ready.

Fun Junkie

I know some of my recent actions aren't approved of. I don't blame you. They conflict me too. But to not share them here is cheating myself of the diary experiece - so I have to risk the wrath and continue on...



I'm seeing Jeff again. Not seeing him-seeing him, but we occasionally hang out and chat online or talk on the phone. It's actually probably the best it could be. We're much more honest with one another and there's no pressure to pretend anything is anything that it's not. I think to some extent we are both enjoying the new aspect of the friendship and it's taken a lot of stress off. I know this sends up red flags for most, but I have to admit that I actually think this level of "friendship" might work for us both and there's less drama. Jeff actually takes a lot of initiative to call me to talk or hang out, which is new, and when it works for me, I go along...when it doesn't - I pass. If I have other plans, they come first.

And yes, we've slept together again. Sunday night most recently. We'd hung out, eating cold fried chicken and mostly just talking and laughing like kids. At one point we ended up kissing and before we knew it, we were doing the dirty deed.

I can hear you calling me stupid, you know....

Sure, I hold on to him in ways. He holds on right back. I have no confusion over what we are. Friends with Benefits. Period. Do I think there's a deeper connection that keeps us together in ways? Absolutely. Does it mean a damn thing on a larger scale? Hell, no.

The party Saturday night was a great time. Chris and I definitely connected but by Sunday it was already fizzling. As of last night (Monday) it was pretty much done. I am annoyed that my fun is over. A little moreso because I actually liked him. Still, it had no real possibilities to amount to much more than fun and the ending is most likely necessary to let me find and focus on new fun. I was enjoying the distraction that was Candy-Boy and I feel like my fun was spoiled.

I have realized that I seem to really enjoy having larger and larger circles of friends and flirtations. I want to expand the flirtations circle but finding worthy candidates is a tough one...

I'm a bit of a fun-junkie. I thrive on the fun and games and when they end, I am disappointed...like a kid the day after Christmas.

Which is how I feel today.

Holding the Crown

I continue to hold the Drama Queen Crown...

I wish I had the time to explain all the drama over the past few days, but I have very little time until work...

So, lets see - Jeff met me at Hard Rock Thursday night when I went dancing with my friends, we had innocent friendly fun - and then slept together. Since then, he's maintaining contact with me. IMs, emails, texts - but all on this somewhat "cool" friend level.

Yes, I know. I think i am just as sick as he is. I enable him. I am co-dependent on him. I resist, but once he's in I let him ALL the way in.

I went to a party last night. Candy-Boy Chris (young cook) came. Followed me there. We talked until sunrise and I was BLOWN AWAY by his intelligence. We left, in texts admitted to crushes on each other and are supposed to "hang out" after work tonight.

I read tarot at the party. Made 4 people cry. When Jeff called this morning to ask if I had fun (jealous???) I told him that and he said "That's my girl..."


You deserve more details. I promise they will come.

If I sound like a mess, believe it or not - I'm not. Jeff's as close to me now as he will ever get to me. Chris - well, I don't know about this one...I knew there was 'something' about him and I am beginning to see what it is. If he were 10 years older, this boy would be mine. As it is...I don't quite know what to do about him... I think I'll be having a conversartion with him to that effect.

I'm good again. My dreams all seem to be coming true. Jeff came back in a way, Chris is beddable and I think I am feeling confident and strong enough to watch my step with all.

I'm certainly entertained.

Burn...

Jeff is nothing if not a brilliant manipulator. He pushed and got me to respond to him and then professed his worries and concerns about his mental state and got me to soothe, comfort and offer support. Then just as he realized he "had me back" he began to push away. My cheery good mood fell away and I became - once again - Jeff's toy. The one he takes out, uses as he sees fit just to be sure I still will answer to him and then puts in the back of the closet so no one else can reach it.

I didn't see him, but I spoke to him nearly every day this week. All he seemed to need was my attention.

I did do one thing new though. I talked to my family about what's been going on. My father is about ready to get a bat and beat Jeff within an inch of his life.

I was supposed to go out with friends tonight, but I am tired and my head hurts and I think I will be staying in.

I feel down. Tired. It could be from so much work, the stress or more.

Did I mention how Jeff reeled me in? With vague suggestions that he was afraid he'd hurt himself or someone else and a plea that I help him get help. He sent me his insurance info and asked me to find a doctor to help him and take him to the doctor. He played on my nurturing side and won. He also had me panicking and crying - terrified something bad could happen to him. He re-crowned me the reigning Drama Queen by taking away my peace.

In trying to figure out how to cope, how to help - I stumbled on this....I beg you to read this brief blog article. It defines my experience to absolute stunning perfection...

On the flip side -

I'm having recurring dreams again. Two in 24 hours (there was a nap involved) about my young cook at the restaurant. Christopher. The first was a naughty episode of sex and candy - and well, let's just say I get the song I smell sex and candy lyrics now...it was sexy and dirty and a sexual fantasy that someone like Willy Wonka might be prone too. Lifesavers, rolling around naked in ice-cream sprinkles and passionate kisses...

The second dream seemed (once again) like the prelude to the sex. Christopher asking me to go somewhere with him.

My dreams come in odd orders.

As it turns out, it appears that Christopher and I both have invites to a party Saturday night. There's a great deal of speculation as to what will happen there. The entire restaurant sees the flirting we engage in. Chris barks at everyone but is sweet to me. There's suggestive remarks, laughs and back-scratching and shoulder rubs for all to witness. There's been whispers.

He's too young. He's not my type.

But...what the hell is it about him? I have to confess I have a tiny crush. Not a boyfriend crush, but more like a sexy crush.

I think I enjoy the flirting and the crush and the sexual tension too much and I know if we end up following through on it, we lose the fun part and move to complicated.

But man....that candy.... (btw: Candy: To see or eat candy in your dream, symbolizes the joys and special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure.)

Yeah, that makes pretty perfect sense... My dreams are so freaking text book perfect. Since there were two of them, I suppose it's time to get ready.

So...I don't know what the hell I am doing anymore. Am I there for Jeff? Am I not there for him? Can I ever really be free of him? Do I really want to be free of him? I resist him for a period of time, he breaks through and then I am just as guilty as he is of initiating contact until he hurts me again and I find the strength to start all over again. I am deeply afraid this will be a lifelong pattern.

There are other things that scare me.

I feel like I have two sides. I feel like part of me is good and normal. I feel like part of me is evil. There are times I talk to Jeff and part of me longs to succumb to the evil side and be his partner in pure evil.

Do I recognize him as evil and a sociopath because something in me identifies? I feel emotions. I feel empathy. But in my head, I can also figure out how to manipulate people and situations and I am far more clever about it than Jeff is. Sometimes I do it without realizing I am doing it until later.

I can keep a low profile. I can spill my guts and my feelings and openly display my flaws because people get this sense of me. They feel like I am this open book, this klutz of a loveable person - - - they never realize that I've established all the ground work I will ever need to get away with anything I need to pull off. Because if I reach a point of having to lie or making a mistake, they will all believe I meant well or was innocent all along. I don't hurt people like Jeff does, but I know how to set up scenarios to get results I want. I know how to drive wedges between people, how to seduce a man, how to get the benefit of the doubt and how to start fires. I blogged about it years ago once lightly. I commented that sometimes I find myself setting tiny fires in people just to watch them burn. Like an emotional pyromaniac. I might flirt with someone even though I have no interest, just to watch them trip over themselves dealing with it.

I don't mean to do any of these things. But I see myself do them just the same.

Is the old adage "it takes one to know one" applicable here? Am I really the "bad" one?

Am I manipulating Jeff? Did I set up this whole "deep connection" thing just to keep the same hold on him that he keeps on me? It's easy to paint him as the bad guy, but I can play his games just as well as he can...

The worst of it is that while I see through Jeff - he still thinks I am the stupid girl who loves him enough to keep putting up with his shit. He had no idea that I have purposely kicked him when he's been down a few times or that I love to show support when he's down because it makes me the "good" one to him. I let him fall again and again because I know he'll look to me for the hand-up.

Maybe I am the one who needs the professional help.

There are these moments that I feel like "stop pretending" and just be evil with him.

There are times I think that if you took the "perfect" evil being and split them into two halves - you would have Jeff and I. Sid and Nancy. Spike and Dru.

Dumb and Dumber?

But I never really cross that line.

Identity crisis?

What is going on in my life?

I do wish I had never met him...but he's here and I think he will always be here. There's no definition to our relationship of sorts but I feel like we're joined and always will be.

And most days, that is a very, very bad thing.

On a brighter note.....

Taylor made the honor roll. Our hard work paid off and she boosted her grades and even made Student of the Month. I am so proud of her...

She is what keeps me from crossing the line...

Crash...

I am emotionally exhausted.

I can't even muster the energy to tell it all right now, but the long and short of it is that Jeff contacted me a number of times today and tried to push for a friendship. I suppose in that sense of coming back for me, my dreams did come true.

And, I guess that it got under my skin.

I responded and told him I didn't know - he hadn't really been a friend so far. I should have shut the door and I left it cracked.

Then I went to work.

I told one of my friends at work some news that I didn't want to give her, but felt like she had to know. She was VERY upset but I think it brought us closer because she knew I was being protective of her.

I got into a fight with a tempermental co-worker that I am always friends with. A guy named (of course) Jeff. He snapped at me and I fucking lost it. I said "I quit" and started crying.

Management refused to accept my resignation. My other co-workers surrounded me and tried to help. In the end, Jeff apologized with so much sincerity that I felt better and everyone kissed and made up. Chris, my 22 year old line cook/boy toy hugged me while I cried and offered to beat Jeff up. I had to talk him out of it. He was furious that I'd been spoken to the way Jeff did.

I don't know if my reactions were in proportion or if MY Jeff just got under my skin. Either way, I feel emotionally exhausted and drained.

But I couldn't help notice that when I fell this time - I had friends all around me. I was hugged by so many people it was a blur.

I noticed. I cherished. I feel like I fell apart today, but I also feel like I learned that when I stumble, I have people there to help me up again.

I also noticed that I keep forgetting to eat. I've had nothing for 25 hours now...

Must. Remember. To. Eat.

Showtime, Synergy!

Super props to anyone who gets the title (without googling it!). Also, if you did "get" the title without googling it than my guess is that you are (1) a girl and (2) not far from my age and (3) just a bit of a nerd, really - because who remembers this crap after 20 years?

I was asked out again last night and had to decline. I explained patiently to John than my alter ego "rock star" couldn't come out to play because my primary ego "mom" had to go home and - well, be a mom.

I'm going to have to explain that again later today to Jess. I got a 2:30 am text message "Thursday Night, Hard Rock. Make it happen". I laughed and went to bed pleased that my friends were wanting to spend time with me but a little sad that I have to be the old hag and decline. Even if my daughter was not an issue - I have to sleep to get up for my 7:00 am morning and if last week was any indication then sleep would not come until very, very early the next day.

I think I have a party to attend this weekend, so all is not lost.

Wasn't it just last week that I had no social life?

I had a bit of a bad night last night at work - started out wonderful and fun but somewhere along the way I got annoyed and frustrated and it just snowballed on me. It was slow and I made no money, but just busy enough to make me work hard to earn NO money. Closing up took forever and I was irritable.

Chris worked and flirted just a bit but we were both somewhat busy.

It was a hard night and towards the end I had a craving. I needed to just sit beside someone with my head on their shoulder for a minute. I almost asked a couple of my male co-workers to let me lean on them for a minute, but in the end pride prevailed and I did without.

I never heard back from The Cop after the mysterious exchange yesterday. I'm not really thrilled about that and I hope he can clear it up. I have this feeling that he likes me but doesn't know how to approach me...and is botching it all beyond hope. Which is fine, I'm not interested at this point anyway, but I also would prefer not to think a cop is stalking me with his mysterious games...

I continue to be happy on my own and every day I feel like I am more and more over the past. I definitely enjoy this NO CONTACT period and I hope I can keep it going...

I am feeling truly outrageous these days and it may be time to put my Jerrica aside and release my Jem. If I could just find my star-shaped earrings...

Sirens

I haven't posted much about The Cop lately, have I?

I had given the matter some thought and I realized the problem might be me. I am very guarded and it takes me awhile to relax with a man and decide if I like him or not. I wanted to give the cop another chance.

We talked last week in IM and I told him how I felt and he seemed very understanding - then mid-coversation (deep personal conversation about my feelings) he said "lol" and disconnected.

But never came back online.

And never called.

I wrote him off then and there. I opened up to him and he 'laughs' and disappears?

I think not.

No contact since then.

A few minutes ago, I passed my computer and saw a new IM from him: "I know you aren't at work"

Huh???

I text messaged him: "You're right, I work tonight - how do you know?"

He wrote back: "I know a lot".

Huh????

I wrote back: Is that scary or flattering?

He replied: :)

Games????

I wrote back: Since I rarely hear from you, I'm leaning towards scary.

He replied: Why do you say that?

I went to take a shower. I have no time for silly games and I suck at text messaging. You want to talk? Pick up the phone.

Did I attract yet another crazy person???

Party Like a Rock Star

It's been a long time.

It's been a long, long time since I spent a night with friends - minus romantic bullshit - and had a blast.

It's been a long, long, long time since I danced on a stage all night in front of a crowd. Since I danced with men I didn't know. Since I laughed just to laugh. Since I let my inner wild child loose and just lived every moment the way that I felt like.

I am my own. Once again, I finally belong to myself and no one else. I am not "Jeff's girl" or "Brad's girl" - I am just me and I am happy with that.

I dress cute and people notice. I dance and people dance with me. I sit home, after sleeping late on a Sunday afternoon with music blaring and a light heart.

I really do feel like I am coming back to life.

Never Again

I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
I hope when you’re in bed with her
you think of me
I would never wish bad things
But I don’t wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter
Cause I knew what you’d say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try make it all okay

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don’t
You simply lost your way

She may believe you
But I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife Oh, how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he’s through with you
And he’ll be through with
You'll die together, but alone

You wrote me in a letter
You couldn’t say it right to my face
Well, give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
Never again

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never!

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you
was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would
Don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe
But I never will
I Never Will
I never will
Never again

I Am a Rock Star

I am a rock star.

Well, I feel like one anyway.

It's past 4 am as I write this and I admit to being slightly tipsy...

Work sucked. It was dead slow. On the bright side, Chris (the VERY young line cook) gave me a potato shaped like a heart - LOL.

After work, the plan was to go to a party of a co-worker. Another co-worker (John) that I used to flirt with a lot invited me to Hard Rock Casino and I decided to meet him there and then go to the party.

A friend/co-worker (Jess) decided to join me and the three of us made a night of it. Jess and I danced on a stage at a bar all damned night and John cheered us on. We dirty danced with John, threw back drinks and laughed the entire night.

I never called Jeff back. He never crossed my mind. And if I mention him now it's only because I am so fucking glad to have him live in my past and not exist in my present or my future.

I notice that now, when I hear a song that used to reduce me to tears over him, it doesn't even phase me.

I can say it now and mean it for the first time. I am over him.

I have a great time with my friends (and I have more and more friends every day) and I love coming home to my house and I live on my terms.

As I write this, there's a song playing in the room - my room. Fergie singing Big Girls Don't Cry and I think it strikes a chord in me. I hope you know, I hope you know - that this is nothing about you.

I am over him.

It feels awesome.

I almost forgot the best part....

I changed my clothes at work to go out and when I came out of the bathroom in tight black pants and a little funky top - I had jaws dropping around me. One male co-worker told me that he thought I looked like a model.

Not really - but him saying that made me feel great.

I am great.

I've healed. R.I.P Jeff - Viva Christine!!!

A Little Secret

I believe that a diary should be complete.

This is my diary. I had a handful of posts saved as drafts that I have pressed the publish button on.

All posts, including one HIGHLY controversial one that most of you felt would put my life in danger if I didn't yank it, have now been released. If you're that curious, it's up to you to find them - but they are finally all here.

(And by the way - if I ever turn up mysteriously dead - you all know exactly who the culprit is).

If someday my story needs to be told, I want it to be complete.

I like to believe that one day - many, many years in the future - perhaps after I am long gone? - someone, somewhere will read this (and the preceding two blogs) and learn about who I was and what my life was like.

In this strange and therapeutic purging of my thoughts I like to think I leave a tiny imprint on the world...or at least the world wide web.

Grounded

I haven't been grounded since freshman year in high school - yet that's just how I feel right now...locked in my bedroom, a pizza on my desk and nothing but the tv, my computer and my cell phone to entertain me.

I am forbidden to leave my room.

Um....

Come to think of it, this isn't half-bad.

Taylor has a slumber party tonight and no matter how cool I am - it's still not cool to have Mom crash the party. Nevermind that I bought the pizza and the pay-per-view movie they're watching...I am relegated to my bedroom and only allowed to come out for drink refills or to sneak outside for a highly forbidden cigarette.

I have big plans for pay-per-view moves of my own in my room and I am on slice #3 of my pizza. I have to admit that I have wondered about smuggling the blender, the bottle of Malibu rum and the pina colada goodies into my room but I suspect the girl's parents would hear about it and not see the humor in it like I do.

Perhaps after they fall asleep?

They do fall asleep, right?

...Right?

You could be in for a lot of blogging tonight...

It's all good...

I'm still doing great!

Taylor is having a slumber party tonight so I will be busy "staying out of the way" and being "cool". I'll do my best....

I already have plans to go out after work Saturday night with my friends from work. Nothing definitive but I really hope there's dancing involved!

My self-realizations continue and they've all been great. I feel like I really am almost entirely over the past and parts of me that were long dead (even going back to Brad) are coming back to life.

I disco-danced alone in my bedroom last night to I Love the Nightlife by Alicia Bridges.

I used to dance alone ALL the time. I was happy to find myself doing it again.

I feel good. No Jeff = No Drama and No Drama = No Pain.

I feel like I have been cured of a terminal illness. Maybe in a sense I have been.

I'm happy for no reason. Happy for the sake of being happy. Happy for being happy.

I have nothing to look forward to, but I look forward just for the sake of knowing that each day is another day filled with small and simple pleasures - my daughter, great television shows, friends at work and my home.

I enjoy talking to my friends on the phone, working my 2nd job, playing Scrabble with Taylor, watching my TIVO and naps on my couch. I like to feed the birds in my backyard (I actually have a bluejay now trained so well that she comes when I call and lands so close to me that I could touch her).

I've lost every ounce of the weight I gained while pregnant and I am back to a size 8. I'd like to tone up my stomach, butt and thighs but I'm managing to look pretty cute just the same.

I feel good. ;)

Good Morning!

It is a good morning. No specific reason - I just feel good!

I heard one of my favorite "pick me up" songs on the radio this morning and I was "chair-dancing" as I drove and singing at the top of my lungs...

I love the nightlife - I've got to boogie!

The urge to go disco dancing was strong in me. I forgot how much a song can make me feel great.

In my head I wanted to call my friends and plan a dance night. I wanted to dance, sing, boogie...

No feeling sad, no missing anyone, no regrets - I can honestly say that right now, I feel great!

There's no man in my life and I'm fine with it. I'm not looking.

I had thought about giving The Cop a second chance but I'm not so sure now. He's nice, but I don't think he's what I want.

I also googled "Kenny Chesney" and damned if The Cowboy that I was flirting it up with last week isn't his freaking identical twin. They look so much alike that I am tempted to think it WAS Kenny...except he paid with a credit card and I remember his first name being Gregory.

I'm all about just feeling good and learning to enjoy my life right now. I don't need anything other than the right frame of mind and I think I am getting better and better at that.

I'm excited at this turn. I'm not depressed for the first time in a LONG time and I feel strong and confident and happy. I'm afraid to say "I'm all better" for fear of being set back again - but I think (between you and me) that I just might be.

You-know-who isn't on my mind at all. I'm not missing him even a little bit.

I think there's a certain sense of irony in it all...I've been withering away and dying without his love and when I have the recurring dreams about him trying to come back to me (just what I was so sure I wanted!) - something in me just snapped and said HELL NO.

It's like some tiny part of me has been able to see how awful he is for me and how much I need to move on and that part of me finally broke free and overcame the rest of me.

Thank god for that dream.

I think I had another last night, but I can't be sure. I don't recall it right now, I just have a sense of it.

I know that my "recurring" dreams always come true and I hope this one is an exception. I don't want Jeff to want me back. It would be tough for me to deal with. Still, should that come to fruition - the answer is "no".

No amount of therapy, promises or chemistry can make up for his trainwreck of a life. There's no way he could ever make me happy and there's nothing but pain associated with him.

There's no anger now. Disappointment, yes, but no anger, no bitterness and no hard feelings. I do hope for the best for him and I do wish him well - but I don't even want to know how he's doing. I don't want to hear about his problems or his triumphs. I don't want to know anything at all.

I'm not sure where this all has come from, but I am grateful for it.

I think I might be turning a BIG corner.

I feel good.

There's a New Sheriff in Town

There've been some changes. I'm not entirely sure where they are coming from, but they're welcome ones.

First of all, Tuesday I had another dream about Jeff and I getting back together. This one was far more vivid and intense. In the dream, I was out with friends laughing and having a great time and I ran into him. He kept trying to talk to me and my friends kept trying to prevent him from speaking to me. He was almost chasing me. He seemed desperate again and kept saying that I had been right, that he needed me, that he wanted to marry me...

I woke up and freaked-the-fuck-out.

My recurring dreams always come true.

I think that's when the final straw snapped.

Somehow, since then - I have maintained NO contact with Jeff and even better - I have felt great about it. I don't think about him nearly as much and it feels like these dreams somehow set me free.

All this time that I pined for him and wanted him back in my arms - these dreams suggested it would happen and I realized that I don't ever want to be with him again. I never want to go through that again.

And somehow, just like that, a piece of me moved forward.

I'm...borderline happier lately. I work, I play with Taylor, I cultivate friendships at work and flirt with the indecently young line cook (who scares me with the sexual tension he can inspire in me...more on that later) and I relax.

I feel like I am finally free and I can only hope that this newfound feeling sticks.

I know that I still love Jeff, but I can HONESTLY say that I am happier to not see or speak to him anymore. I hope I never hear from him again. I wish him only the best (mostly) but I truly never want to see him again.

So - - - the line cook.

Chris.

Could we GET any more innappropriate?

I don't know what it is but he seems to be able to just leap and dodge all my defenses and walls and make me smile. He flirts with me like a pro and I know that I only have to say yes and he'll be in my bed.

But he's 22.

And he has a girlfriend (long distance thing).

And I just can't do that...

If he didn't have a girlfriend...if he weren't SO young...

I actually find myself disappointed when he's not working. When he IS working, my night is a roller coaster of looks exchanged that make my blood begin to simmer under my skin, flutters and smiles that make something inside of me feel shakey. He knows it too. He winks, blows kisses, stares at me with this penetrating gaze...

He also teases me, harasses me and plays with me.

I enjoy him.

I'm deeply embarassed to admit this, but I am attracted to this punk...and he is SO not my type.

He's rude. He's crude. He wears the damned stupid pants low enough to see boxers. He's a pot smoker (I'm drug free). He's a rough one - probably always ready to fight. He's a kid.

And I swear...he knows how to seduce me and he's been doing a damned slick job of it over the months. I manage to enjoy the attention and still fend him off...but I'm not sure if I can do that forever. I'm beginning to fantasize about giving in...about kissing him to see if I feel sparks there...

Then reality slaps me back. TWENTY-TWO. GIRLFRIEND.

And I remember that he's nothing that I want or need in my life and that this little lust-fest I have going with him is (at best) fleeting and probably asking for trouble.

I haven't been in trouble in quite some time now...

It makes me wonder...am I a good girl or a bad girl?

I'm used to being the "bad" girl. Steve (ex-best-friend's husband) used to say I was Jessica Rabbit ("I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way"). Jeff liked me devious side. I've always been the devilish one. I've rebelled, broken rules, played the "games" and (usually) won them. I've crossed lines, started fires and loved it all...

But am I really a good girl? In my entire life I have had TWO casual sexual encounters. Every other one had some depth and meaning to it. I'm single now and could fuck every man in Florida if I chose - married, single - you name it....

But I don't. I have no interest in it.

I'm still learning who I am, who I want to be and how this new 'me' operates post-devastation. I wonder if I have to choose a path...

Because a "bad girl" would absolutely put that delicious boy in my bed and likely unleash a few years worth of sexual frustration on him and a "good girl" would do just what I've been doing...enjoy it for what it is without taking it further...

Which will I be?

It's My Life (Don't You Forget)

yspaceLife continues.

I worked last night and although it was VERY slow, I managed to earn $5 more than my goal and just enough to cover my urgent bills. As of today I am only behind on ONE bill and I will have that bill paid on Friday.

I still love working at the restaurant. I'm not sure I can ever explain it. I just feel...happier there.

The Cop contacted me yesterday and we had a lengthy IM exchange. I am considering giving him a 2nd chance. We'll see. I'm not sure if it's him or me. Maybe I just can't feel anything? I thought about it and realized that the last guy (post Jeff) that I was even REMOTELY attracted to was Mark and it took Mark a month of phone calls and IM's and a 3rd date before I started feeling happy to see him.

Apparently it takes a lot of effort to get past my force fields and walls and get me to relax enough to even decide if I like you.

I realized this is true across the board...I also am JUST NOW beginning to socialize outside of work with some of my female co-workers...after 6 months. It's taken them 6 months to get me to warm up to them.

Yeah. I think it's me.

Jeff was the master of walls. He had walls within walls built on top of more walls. He thinks he did me a favor by giving me walls that I never had before.

I think he can shove his "favor" right up his ass.

I didn't respond to his email yesterday. I have no intention of communicating with him. I did have to laugh that he wrote back at all. How do you take an email where I basically tell him I am letting go and "good bye" and then write back with a lengthy and detailed summary of his life at the moment?

I'm semi-proud that I finally stood up and told my heart "enough". My head is running the show now. The dream where we got back together is what freaked me out. All this time I have been wishing and praying to have him back and when the dream hit - I just snapped. My head won't allow it.

He's right. You're right. Head's right. He's not good for me. I started to list why and realized there's no need to be nasty...I don't feel nasty towards him. I will always love him but I will NEVER be with him again.

Moving on (this time I hope I really am)

I work again tonight and hallelujah for that. I have $5 in my purse and I'm out of gas. My gas-guzzling Ex-Mobile will get about a gallon and a half out of that. JUST enough to get Taylor from school and get TO work. If my budget is correct, I should manage to earn another $50 tonight and that will sustain me for the week.

I'm doing ok. I feel stronger.

Monday

Jeff replied to my email (though I had hoped he wouldn't) and basically agreed that I am "better off without him" and then proceeded to ramble about his own life and debts and bills. I'm not really sure why he felt a need to share his life with me but I suppose it speaks to his ability to always want to communicate to me.

I do believe at some point he will regret his choice. I do not believe I will regret mine.

I'm not sure if I blogged it, but there were "supernatural" reasons behind my decision.

If you've read this blog in the past, you know I occasionally have "premonition dreams". Every single dream I ever had about Jeff came true to the exact detail. About 5 days ago I had a dream that Jeff and I were back together. My family was upset over it. Jeff had a headache and his head was in my lap and I was stroking his head to soothe him. In the dream, I wasn't entirely sure if he was back with me out of love or because he was so broken down and beaten that he needed someone to care for him. I didn't know if it would "work" but I was happy he was back in my arms in any case.

When I woke up, my first thought was "Aha! So we WILL be back together".

Then it sank in. Back? Together? To the doubts and worries and insecurities? Back to the insanity (pardon the obvious pun)? Back?

No fucking way.

Something in me took over and said "Hell no". I wrote the email and ended it entirely. No friendship, no communication - nothing.

I suppose all this time what I really wanted is what I lost...and that's not possible. Being with Jeff again now would keep me filled with fears and doubts and my every waking moment would have to be dedicated to trying to keep him sane and 'together'. Meanwhile, I would lose my soul.

So, I suppose in that flash - my inner self finally spoke up and said 'enough'.

I'll always love him, but I will never be with him again. I'm not sure I will be with anyone at all, but I am not worrying over it either.

Jeff always said he would be dead before 40. His ex-wife said "dead or in prison". I fully believe these to be true predictions. Jeff's increasing need for stimulation will see him fall. I would save him - I could save him - but he'd have to want it and he doesn't.

I didn't cry when I got his email (as I usually do) and to be honest, with the exception of tears over Taylor's cards that touched my heart I have not cried at all since sending the email. It may be just another small step, but I have to some degree let go a bit more. Or a lot more. I can never be sure.

Work last night was chaotic, but the same usual fun. I love the rapport with my coworkers. I love the bickering, the laughs, the teasing and the pace of it all. At one point, Chris (my 22 year old potential boy-toy) was rubbing my shoulders and I was relaxing into him (melting?) when I realized he was engaged in a water hose war with his commrades and was actually using me as a human shield. I shoved him away and feigned indignation. Later he blew me kisses in the parking lot.

It's all silly and fun (for me). I know most people there say they hate it there, but I love it. I love running to keep up with the pace, love the little dramas that arise, love the spirit and the silliness. Whether it's pulling a prank on a co-worker or sharing a table-story about a crazy customer - it just seems so alive to me.

I love coming home to my house. I have a nice place. It's cool and comfortable and fully outfitted with everything I need to be cozy. It feels like home to me.

I love forgetting to eat dinner because I am so busy and then eating Oreos watching my TIVO (reminding myself that I can do anything I want to do because no one can tell me otherwise).

I love having full control over my house.

I'm ok. I'd like to be more than ok - I would like to be happy but I will settle for ok for the moment.

All this good and positive thinking and I haven't taken any medication at all today.

This Other Girl

There's another girl wearing my skin these days and I'm not entirely sure who she is.

She does things I don't normally do.

She gave her phone number to a cute cowboy who asked for her in the restaurant. Best of all, she didn't really care if he called or not. He flirted with her first - even asked her out (though she declined due to prior plans).

She hosted 10 co-workers at her house playing poker until 4 am. She laughed and joked and even won a few dollars. She even began to see some of the co-workers as more than "co-workers". A couple of them are becoming "friends".

She spent Mother's Day reading letters from her daughter where her 11-year old best friend told her she was a "hero" for working so hard to support them. She finally felt appreciated. She began to understand that this was a large part of what has been missing in her life...feeling appreciated.

She admired a new rose bush. Remember how I said I felt spiritually tied to my rose bush that withered and died? My 11 year old replaced it. It's healthy and covered in blooms - and is probably the most signifigant gift she has ever received. She lets herself believe that she - like the new rose bush - is healthy and ready to burst into bloom and thrive. That, like a new rose bush, she is reborn as a new person too.

She didn't dwell on the past or lost loves. When the "ex" came up in conversation (and he always does...people ALWAYS bring him up) - she didn't feel anything at all.

She talked to her best friend (Todd) in Oklahoma for a bit. Todd was slightly drunk and kept making suggestive remarks and referring to an erotic dream he had about her. When the call was lost (damned cell phones) - she turned the phone off. He left a message - clearly concerned that she'd just hung up on him - and she didn't return the call...she had tv to watch.

She skipped dinner (as usual) but snacked on chips.

She didn't sit around and feel sorry for herself today. She didn't actually sit around at all...but if she felt at all sorry...it wasn't for her.

It was for the people who didn't know her. It was for those stupid enough to have let her go. It was for those who doubted her.

She felt sorry for the ones who had passed through her life without appreciating her.

And - for just a moment or two - she felt sorry for the girl she's been these long months. Sorry that the girl had been so lost in pain that she neglected to nurture herself back to health.

She's not such a bad person, this new girl. I rather hope she sticks around.

I am, however, concerned by the fact that she is starting to see Vicodin as pain relief for emotional pain, rather than physical pain. It may be a half pill here of a 1/4 pill there - but she's realizing that when she takes it...she feels calm, happy and at ease with life for a short bit. She thinks that maybe the pain-relieving qualities are exactly what she needs to get through those hard times.

I hope the new girl can stick around, but I also hope she won't be too dependent on the vicodin to be who she is.

She has 3 pills left. And, in addition to the deep emotional pain she actually does have some mystery pain since the abortion that needs to be looked at. (It feels like they left a scalpel in me or something - I swear).

When those 3 pills are gone....will I look for more? Or will I be...better?

For The Record

I sent the following email last night:


I just wanted to let you know that I am finally letting go.

I have never in my entire life given up anything that I believed in, but I am giving up on you. I am giving up hoping that you will realize something that I thought was so easy to see. I’m giving up hoping that you’ll ever love me again or come back or try again. I give up on us. I wouldn’t have held on this long if I didn’t believe so strongly in you, in us and in all of the magic that brought us together once before but I know that I was wrong now. It couldn’t be everything I believed if it’s only one sided.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Good luck, Jeff. I won’t be bothering you again.

Goodbye,
Christine

.... More importantly - I meant it.

I am going on a Jeff-free diet.

Shameless Begging

I'm feeling down today. (big surprise)

Yesterday, Taylor presented me with an interim report she'd hid from me for 3 days that showed her grades dropping from B's to C's. I spoke to her teacher and if she ACES (100%) the rest of the tests in the next two weeks - she might make B's.

I called Brad to ask him to help Taylor study that night since I had to work and he told me he had plans.

Brad was always the best dad ever but lately I feel like he's more interested in being "good time dad". He's not here when she's sick or crabby or in trouble. He doesn't help her with school. He doesn't take her to the doctors. He doesn't do her laundry or cook her meals or any of the things a parent has to do - and I feel overwhelmed with 2 jobs, being a single mom and being depressed. I had thought we were 50/50 on the parenting issues but I now know better.

The last test Taylor failed - I asked him repeatedly to help her study for it. Instead, he took her out to dinner and brought her home at bedtime. She never studied and got an F. It's part of the reason her grade dropped.

When I ask her to do chores, I also ask him to see that she does them. Same deal He doesn't.

Mother's Day is Sunday and I have to work at 3:30 pm. Brad said I can come pick her up - (Great! I get to make an hour roundtrip drive during the few hours I DON'T work!) so I can bring her home to do nothing...because I am broke and killing myself to pay bills. Most mom's get taken out to lunch or shown appreciation in some small way. I get sent to work and my ex doesn't really care very much if I feel appreciated for raising OUR daughter or not. Moreso, I get to go work for 10+ hours on my feet serving other families who are taking "mom" out to show her how special she is to them. Every table is going to really sting.

I feel like I bust my ass to work to provide for my child and I and I have ZERO support from anyone in my life. And on the one day where mothers are honored and celebrated - I get told to pretty much expect nothing. I'm lucky I get to see my daughter at all. If I want a lunch or a treat it's up to me to cook it or buy it - and unfortunately I don't have the luxury of spending money on myself when bills are due. I have no help, no "thanks"...just like Christmas, my birthday, Valentine's Day, Easter and the rest - this is another holiday I get excluded from. Left out. Forgotten.

So - I am asking YOU for help. (Actually, I am begging)

There's a website I've been toying with that I like called NetWinner. It's like a free online lottery. You click 5 numbers and click "WIN" and if you hit any numbers you earn points that can be redeemed for gift certificates. If you hit ALL numbers you could win huge prizes in cash or points.

You also earn by referring people.

It's free and spam free. When you are playing (as much as you like!) you see ads on the right side of the screen. Nothing to install - just a website.

I've won several points. I'd really like to earn a few gift certificates to buy some household items or maybe even treat myself to something small...like clothes that fit me. Clothes that fit my daughter.

I get 500 points for everyone who signs up. If they play - I also get 10% of whatever they win.

It's 25,000 points for a $25 gift card.

Would you do this for me? Would you spread the word? If you join under me and then other people join under YOU - we both earn points.

I'm shameless, I admit it. I'm begging. I just feel completely alone, depressed, unappreciated and I work 24-7 with no social life...I'd really like to find something small to brighten my day...

Click here to join if you're feeling warm hearted today. And if you do - you have my deepest thanks. It costs you nothing at all, but could really go towards making my day...and I really need something to smile about.

Small Hours

There are moments in my days - in every day - when I think to myself it's not worth it - it's not worth living without him.

There are more moments where my obligations as a mother keep me alive.

Occasionally, a shocking moment of clarity enters the picture - I spent so much time thinking I needed to save him - is it really that I have always needed him to save me?

The truth is that I don't want to live without him. I don't want to move on, find someone else, fall in love again. I don't want to forget. I don't want to let go.

What I want is to either be back in his heart or to die.

But I won't.

Because there's only one other person in this world that I love this much. My daughter. And I know her well enough to know she'd be destroyed if she lost me. As much as I sometimes think she'd be better off without me - I know she'd crumble. I won't do that to her.

So for me, life is a lot like a job you hate. I get up everyday and do the things I have to do. Eventually I go to sleep. Then I wake up and do it again.

I have nothing ahead that inspires me. I have no hopes, no dreams, no goals, no reasons to get excited.

I just exist.

I know Jeff isn't coming back. If he did, I have no idea if it could work anyway.

So I just keep going.

But deep inside, the place that only this blog knows about - I hurt so much. Tomorrow is 6 months to the day that we broke up...I still cry every damned day. Not just a small tear, but deep, soul-racking sobs when I am alone and no one can see me. The kind where you can feel your heart ripping to pieces all over again.

The sort of hurt I seem to feel constantly strikes me as so deeply abnormal. The fact that Jeff is my every waking thought is not normal. My inability to feel anything beyond pain is not normal.

Remember when Brad cheated on me and I thought I was "broken"?

Damn. I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. This is broken. Broken beyond repair.

I tried so hard to save Jeff. I'd give anything for him to come back and save me.

He is/was a monster. He did horrible things. He hurt me beyond what I knew was possible...

And still, I am so deeply in love with him that I can't find a way out of this hole.

So, I wish I could die and be free. Because I don't see any other way to be free.

Do you ever wonder if you will click this blog and find my obituary?

I don't have the luxury of suicide, so I keep going for my daughter. But it's a lot like walking barefoot on broken glass.

Every step cuts deeper and hurts more.

I wish he'd save me.

Waiting

I wish I wasn't about to say this -

I feel as if the choice isn't mine. For whatever has happened and whatever he is - I guess I still believe Jeff's "the one".

I find myself waiting for him - even though I know he's never going to come.

So I guess that's it. I wait. If he never comes, he never comes but at least I don't waste my time leading people on or kissing other frogs.

I think I'm cursed, and it's just as well.

Monday

I have to admit that I am finding it harder and harder to blog.

It's not you, it's me.

I can't really explain it. I'm having a harder and harder time opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings - not just with you, here, but with anyone/anywhere.

The date was fine. He was very nice, very good looking and a perfect gentleman mostly. He absolutely seemed to like me, that's for sure.

I respect him. I like the things he says and the way he speaks and I respect his job as a policeman.

But he has one fatal flaw.

He's not Jeff.

And I don't want anyone who is not Jeff.

So, I failed to return phone calls from the cop yesterday in a timely fashion. When I did call, I kept it brief.

I disappointed all of my co-workers. They'd all been so excited that I was going out. I felt like I let them all down.

I do love my co-workers (most of them) - they're really supportive. They may all be younger than me, but I often feel like I have 14 new siblings just waiting to tease, comfort, annoy and encourage me. I get text messages from them checking on me, we plan things together - I have to be honest and say that in a sense I did find the companionship I missed at the restaurant. I wouldn't give up my 2nd job for anything. I may hate going to it - but once I am there, I am happy to be there.

Speaking of...

At the end of my date, the cop kissed me. A lot of kisses. Once again, just like with Lance-the-Kiwi-New-Zealander I hated the kiss. Jeff used to kiss me and melt my knee caps. Anything less is unacceptable. I was disappointed not to feel lightening and thunder.

The reason I mention this is Chris. Chris is the 22 year old line cook at my restaurant who continues to flirt with me. I refuse to be Mrs Robinson, but damn the kid an generate some sexual tension with me.

I was incredibly tempted to grab him last night and kiss him - - - just to see if I felt anything there. Not to be with him, but just to determine if I had the ability to feel anything with anyone besides Jeff again.

I didn't do it.

Once, at work, Chris came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulders. Jeff used to do that and I instantly felt limp.

"One day..." Chris told me.

"One day?" I laughed.

"Yeah, you know how I know?" he said.

I looked at him.

"Because you're not arguing..."

I might not be arguing and I admit that I appreciate the attention. I'm 34 and he is 22 and trying to seduce me - what's to argue? - but I can honestly say that I'm not EVER going to cross that line.

Because he's not Jeff.

On a closing note, I am concerned that the termination of the pregnancy didn't go 'right'. I am experiencing periods of intense pain and I have lost 7 of the 12 lbs I gained in a matter of 4 days. I'm going to be calling the doctor...

Please Suck

I hope he's awful.

The cop. Bryan, I mean.

I hope that when we finally meet it's awkward and horrible and I check the time 400 times before racing home.

Because I finally realized just a moment ago how scared I am.

I walk around believing that Jeff destroyed me. Believing I can't love anyone else. Believing I'll never feel it again.

And there's this guy - this guy who really wants to take me out. He says all the right things - and I mean he says ALL the right things. Not pushy, not wimpy, not aloof - he doesn't get innappropriate. We just talk and it flows and he makes me smile the smallest smile ever.

Poor guy.

He has no idea I'm damaged goods. No idea that I'm terrified that I might actually like him at all. No idea that I'd rather the date go awful so I won't have to let anyone near me again.

I'm scared. I'm scared to like someone. I'm scared to even go meet him face to face. I'm scared because I think we will like each other.

So I hope we won't.

Because if it goes badly I can hold on to my pain. I can keep walking around like the walking wounded mourning Jeff and telling the world how I can never love again. If it goes badly I won't ever have to tell Bryan how hurt I got. I won't ever have to open up or share my feelings or let someone get close.

I won't have to ever take a chance on letting someone close enough to hurt me.

So I hope it's horrible.

And at the same time, I know it's monumental that I'm going at all. My family and my co-workers all seem to be holding their breath like I am a cripple in rehab trying to take a first step out of a wheelchair. I know there's some secret reason why this one managed to get me out. He pushed some ight combination of buttons.

But I still hope it sucks.

That Damned Feeling

As usual, I am a trainwreck. I think I often make Anna Nicole Smith look serene.

Yesterday found me in an emotionally deep email exchange with Jeff. I admit that I started it by telling him I was still in love with him. He responded by talking about his feelings and revealing more of his depression. A co-worker of his was killed in an accident and he was wishing it had been him. The very thought had me crying.

Nothing has changed. I still love him and he still feels like he's waiting to die. He did reveal that it was the depth of his feeling for me that made him feel like he had to end things. He said he felt like he would destroy me. True as it may be, it still sounds like a line to me.

On another hand...

My conversations with the cop continue. There definitely seems to be some sort of connection and he seems to be hoping that it will transpire into something. Somehow, he actually makes me smile and I'm not feeling pressured. Occasionally I do feel like he's moving faster than is realistic, but I just try to keep a pace that I can be comfortable with.

In conversations, we talk for hours and it flows easily. I get text messages from him that say things like "I find myself looking forward to hearing your voice again!" or even just smiley faces.

It might be a little quick for such attention considering we haven't had a date yet but I have to admit that it makes me smile a little just the same. There are no butterflies but I think that's fair.

We have plans to meet after work Saturday night. We'll see.

On the humorous side - the cop, who deserves to be named (Bryan), works for a local force that my sister has friends on. She got a bit protective yesterday and dropped by to ask about him. She got a bit of a scoop in "great guy" "VERY cute" "flirt" and a bit of a ladies man. She was sworn to secrecy but told them she'd be telling me. I was apalled that she did this and I confesed it to Bryan who found it amusing. My honesty paid off. Bryan's co-workers - who are apparently big gossips - went running to him to tell him about the inquiry. Lucky he found it pretty funny. Still, he plans to teach my nosy sister a lesson and she may find parking stickers on her truck next time she works (far better than the original idea I begged him out of where he was going to tow her car to the other side of the plaza).

It's been fun, nice and a little sweet to have this attention. But I have to admit that I know I am not over Jeff and I can't help wondering if it's fair to even see someone else when my hearts still so taken with another.

Why are emotions so complicated?

Today

A lot has happened.

First, last Friday I had the procedure done. In a last minute and rather surprising display of conscience, Jeff insisted on being the one to take me. He actually did well keeping me calm and distracted during the wait and even asked if he could be present in the room for the procedure (not allowed) - but he was willing to go the distance to be there. I appreciated it. After, I slept it off and spent most of Saturday in bed.

Over the weekend, Jeff moved. He moved to another city on the opposite side of the county. I felt it the minute he was gone. It hurt. I went to the old house and wandered the rooms and just cried yet another river.

In the meantime...

A guy I once knew in high school has resurfaced in my life. He was a tall, nice and lanky kid. A band geek. We once played a game called "Gotcha" among the high school seniors and he was my "target". I had to tag him with a rubber dart gun and take his target to stay in the game.

I followed his car after school one day and when he pulled into a bank drive-through I jumped out of my car and "held him up" at rubber dart gunpoint until he surrendered. It was a funny moment.

He found me on MySpace and liked my pictures. He's a police officer in my area now and no longer geeky by any stretch. He's actually pretty damned cute and charming as hell.

Even more interesting he's really interested in me.

We've had long talks and there seems to be a bit of a connection. He's ready to date me.

I'm still not over Jeff. It hurts like hell to realize it.

Who knows where things will go. Maybe the cop will wear me down and this time I'll be the one to surrender.

Maybe I'll go on forever loving Jeff and feeling like I lost someone I loved deeply.

It's not that I don't try to put him out of my head. I do. But reminders are everywhere. A repeat of a tv show that I remember watching with him, my head in his lap in our usual tv watching position. A song we liked. A joke we shared. I'll reach in a drawer to throw on a white t-shirt and realize it's his.

He's everywhere in my life even when he's gone. I find myself wondering what if (as awful as he was) he was my great love, my soul mate and I am doomed to live loving him and never being loved back?

What if I can never forget?

What if it hurts forever?

When I asked how long it would take to get over him, most people said it's half the time you were together. 6 months for every year.

It's been six months. I'm not even close.

When?

To Whom It May Concern

(I have updates and thoughts to post, but first I needed to get this out)

I miss you.

I know that I shouldn't. I know it's wrong. But I do. I miss you. I felt it the minute you left the city. Somehow I just knew you were gone. The next day I went to the house we shared.

I walked the emty rooms. I stared out the windows. I remembered being with you in these walls and I cried. I sat on the patio where we had watched countless sunsets and I tried so hard to say goodbye. When I left, I picked up a small rock. It's all I have left of the "dream house" where I loved you for so many days and nights.

I look at your life now. Sure, I don't know it all - but I have a pretty good idea. You have no money. Your career is in chaos. You are in debt so deep that you may never find a way out. The walls are closing in, just as I knew they would. You lost everything too...

Why don't you ever stop and realize that it all fell apart for you too when we split? Why doesn't it ever register to you that you were happy and making progress when we were together. We were a team. You smiled all the time. You seemed happy to be with me. We laughed every second we were together. You were better focused because we had common goals.

You could always talk to me. You could always turn to me. You would wake me in the dead of night to talk about stresses or ideas and I would sit up with you and listen. Why wasn't that enough for you?

You wanted to be loved and accepted. I gave you that. You wanted to be understood and I was always the only one who ever did. You wanted a partner and I fought your battles by your side. You wanted a friend and I shared that with you too. You wanted a lover and we made love every night we were together. You wanted passion and they don't come more passionate than me. I can be passionate about a sandwich and you knew it. You told me I was all you needed...but why wasn't it true?

It's been six months. I'm not over it. I'm so far from over it. I can't understand how I can feel this way if what we had wasn't real. I can't understand how you don't see that when you were with me - you were doing so well...professionally, at home, with your goals - and all of it fell apart when you stopped loving me.

Why doesn't all of that add up to you?

Someone who loves you and fills your every need. Someone who makes you laugh. Someone who makes your life make sense and makes your days better. A best friend. A lover. A partner.

I filled that order in every way. I was to you the one thing people search for their entire lives.

Why don't you feel as though you lost the best thing?

I need to get over you so badly but I just spin my wheels. Everything reminds me of you at every turn.

I miss you.

Why did you never miss me? Why wasn't I enough?