Notes

There are things I want to post, but I just can't. I am so nauseated and so sick that it's impossible to focus long enough to write.

I have an appointment for Saturday morning to finish this. I'm almost desperate to get it over with.

K.I.T.

K.I.T. = Keep In Touch.

I know, I've been awful at it lately. I'm always tired or enthralled with something I TIVO'ed or feeling like crap. Or sad. Or busy.

I don't mean to neglect my diary. Now I have a million things I have to somehow catch up here...

1) My little sister's wedding is tomorrow. We had the rehearsal tonight because Taylor is a junior bridesmaid. I am not sure what I feel about this wedding...dread? I'm not convinced it's right - she's so young... Maybe I'm just jaded. I do know I am fucking hating the idea of spending tomorrow night dressed to the 9's and sitting alone while some fuckwat dj plays love song after love song until I want to stab him with a fork. I think I would rather have dental surgery without anesthesia and through my rectum than go tomorrow. I love my sister - but I'm just not the best wedding guest these days. Besides - the people there are people I barely tolerate. My dad's side of the family and I never were close and my skin crawls when I hear them twang my name....

2) Jeff's sick. Really sick. Full blown psych episode time. He stopped going to work, stopped taking showers and there is more but I can't write it here - let's just say he did something that I found out about that caused me to go into complete shock for a day. He's in trouble. I know - I shouldn't give a shit, right??? I can't help it...I do. I can't 'help' him but I feel responsible for him. In two weeks he is about to be homeless. I've already told him he can not come here. I'm worried about him. I'm VERY worried he'll hurt himself or someone else. I tried to talk to him (in IMs) and he may be moderately open to some help right now because I think even he knows it's really bad this time. I really ONLY talk to him in IMs but I'm very aware of what's going on with him. He opens up to me in text. I had gone 5 days with no communication. I bragged to my sister that I thought I was "over him" and that night he began to IM me. It's like he senses when I am "gone" and has to reel me back. He's never going to let me go. I knew he wouldn't. The problem is that he keeps me imprisoned in my hurt.

3) I'm sick. I'm eating like a horse. I swear that I think I eat a full meal every 2 hours right now. Half the time I am not hungry but my body needs food or it promises to begin vomiting. I'm not enjoying this. I'm anxiously awaiting the appointment to end this - but I have to admit...at least once I put my hand on my stomach and tried to feel something for this child. I tried to reach deep inside and see if I could love it. I only felt deep fear. Fear that the child would be ill also like Jeff is. I began to feel VERY Rosemary's Baby.

4) I'm lonely. At night I watch TV and every few minutes I get up and wander aimlessly from room to room. I don't know why. I sleep with the lights on. I wait until I am beyond exhausted to lie down because I am afraid to lie in bed awake in the night. I still cry every day. I'm becoming listless. I no longer care about going to the grocery store with no makeup on and my hair twisted into a ratty ponytail. I think I have begun to believe that I am invisible after all and that no one sees or hears me anyway...

5) I wish things were different.

Monday

I meant to write. I've just been exhausted, busy and otherwise occupied...

Saturday night was my sister's bachlorette party. It was fairly low key. We donned silly buttons and headed out to dance and party. I claimed two buttons. "Divorced" and "Slut". Seemed appropriate.

The night was pretty low key. We mostly hung out. I didn't drink at all. I did enjoy free sodas when I ordered and said I was designated driver. Sweet!

Oh, and - I nearly had one! This very cute guy with a million watt smile who looked to be my age was flirting heavily with me. My sister had these "dare" cards tucked into a garter and he pulled one. It said to pick the girl in the group he most 'fancied' and kiss her.

Well, I got kissed. A normal peck - but the designated photo-taker claimed to have missed it. So I got kissed again. Then a third time. The third time he went for the tongue. I indulged for about 5 seconds before I pulled away embarassed.

I was hoping he'd get my number but I think I 'rejected' him when I pulled away and spent the rest of the night refusing to notice him at the table behind me. A shame too because he was downright adorable.

I really must learn how to flirt. I suck at it.

My sister's wedding is Friday and this is going to be a busy week. I'll try to post photos of the bachelorette party (possibly including the kissing pic!) if I can get my sister to email them over before the end of the year...

In other news - the sick feeling continues, but my moods seem to be leveling off. I have my 'down' moments but for the most part I have been fine...I think I am either entering a new hormonal phase or starting to feel better.

Jeff IMed me. Asked me if he could borrow money.

He's moving in 2 weeks. Pretty far away too...about 30+ minute drive.

I think I'm ready for it.

Friday the 13th

With my luck, Friday the 13th is really just another day. I'm just as likely to have bad luck on the 7th, 21st or any other day ending in 'y'.

I have random thoughts today...

I work tonight and I am anxious about it. The past two nights I have really felt sick and tired and working tonight is going to be painful.

I spent my nights off watching tv. I even laughed a couple times. I still cried also. I think I have cried every single day for the past 5 months.

Watching shows like Grey's Anatomy make me more conscious of the lack of friends in my life. Real friends. I began to daydream about a friend...if I were my friend I would show up unexpectedly with a tub of ice cream and a dvd chick flick. I would drag my miserable ass out of the house and go out for a drink or a dance. I would take myself to the beach. I would do whatever I could to get my depressed ass up and moving about before I grow moldy and stagnant.

But I don't have a friend. My best friend Mindy abandoned me when I chose to be with Jeff and I am still bitter over it. We were best friends for many years and I think I could have survived all of this better if she'd stayed a friend.

So, I stay in my house. I don't go out. I pick up my cell phone a hundred times a day in the hopes of just talking to someone and scroll through my contacts only to realize I have no one to call. No one to talk to.

I have two friends I can usually chat with. One lives in Oklahoma and the other in North Carolina. I miss them both but I know they're sick of me right now. You know how you can tell? When you call them and they very pointedly avoid asking "How are you?".

Sometimes I reach for the phone and I tell myself (out loud) "You're alone. Be alone."

I'm turning into a recluse.

My sister's wedding in in one week and I have no joy for it. If anything, I'm dreading it. I'm relegated to the 'loser' table of misplaced guests because I have no one to sit with. Even Taylor has a kid's table to sit at, but I am sitting with the random co-workers, classmates and mothers of friends who she had no place else to sit. I'll be without a dance partner for the night and I am envisioning a night of sitting in a corner trying not to cry, knowing people are pitying me. I'm the only 'single' person there. Literally. 70-something guests and I am the 'odd number'. Between that and the night of 'love songs' that are sure to be blasted by some dickhead of a dj I am not looking forward to this at all. At least if I cry, people will think it's with sentimental joy over my little sister getting married and not some pathetic self-pity.

Money is officially beyond tight. It's suffocating. I really should pick up some extra shifts, but I feel so sick that I can't do it.

Tomorrow night is my sister's bachlorette party. I'm dreading that too. Tagging along with 15 scantily clad 22 year olds for a night of debauchery and drinking is the furthest thing in the world from what I am 'up for' at the moment. Part of me knows I need to go and that maybe I'd even have fun - but the other part of me keeps whispering "stay home..."

Lastly, my rose bush is dead.

This is actually pretty signifigant. This is a small miniature pink rose bush that Brad gave me for Valentine's Day in 2000. Over the years it has flourished and then withered. I noticed that it seems to blossom when things are good for me. I used to believe that everytime it bloomed it meant someone loved me. When Hurricane Wilma destroyed everything else, this little bush survived.

I've tried to save it. I've done all I could but it looks like it's officially dead. Not a hint of green on any stalk or stem.

I can't help but wonder if that has some cosmic meaning. If I always believed this bush represented the love and happiness in my life than it must mean something that it has now withered and died..

Which, coincidentally, is how I feel. Like I have withered and died. I feel like I am that rose bush.

Describing my sense of loneliness would be impossible. I can tell you that it is far more painful to feel this way surrounded by people than it would be to be alone on a desserted island. At least on the island, you are alone by force. I just feel alienated.

I've lost everyone (except Taylor). The people at work are nice and are "work friends" that I enjoy at work, but don't see beyond that. They're all about 10 years younger than I am. I don't have any other opportunity in my life to meet new people.

I don't go to church. Since it conflicts with my beliefs, I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd feel like a fraud - like an imposter.

I work two jobs and don't really have the free time to volunteer at something - which I'd actually enjoy doing - but money is priority one and working makes the money.

I work from home - alone - during the day.

I have been alone since Jeff and I split and it's been the longest, unhappiest 5 months of my life. I didn't even know a person could hurt this much.

Worst - being alone makes me feel sad and isolated. It makes me skittish of people in general. I am morphing into this ghost. I feel invisible. I think that if I disappeared entirely only Taylor would notice it at all.

As someone who was always the life of the party, the leader of the pack, the center of the attention and the spotlight grabber in the group - this is pretty drastic.

And I feel like it will be forever.

I'm anxious to get the pregnancy taken care of. There's zero possibility of carrying another baby to term. Two major miscarriages and my heart condition rule it out entirely. The only option is termination and truth-be-told even that's dangerous with my heart condition. But I can't medically do anything about it until at least the end of the month. Otherwise, I'd be there tomorrow.

I've really ruined my life. I'm open to starting a new one, but I just don't know how or where to even begin.

Brighter Discontent

Is it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the attempted murder I witnessed last month?

Am I my mother's daughter and I'm bi-polar?

Is my heart just permanently broken and I'm destined to be sad?

Am I seriously clinically depressed?

Is it hormones from the pregnancy?

I don't know. One? Some? All of the above?

Whatever the answer, I think I am in deep trouble here. I am crying with whole body sobs for hours every day. I am beginning to feel like being a mother is an obligation that keeps me from being able to kill myself rather than a joy. It's hard to feel joy when I feel like I am not good enough for my daughter.

I've noticed that the new trend is self-esteem. I have decided that no one loves me (other than blood relatives who are 'supposed to') and further I have decided that I don't deserve to be loved - even by them. I'm old, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm irresponsible, I'm lazy, slow, no personality...

I know it's time to call someone for help before this goes too far (or is it too far already?) but I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone.

Who would I call? A friend? I have none. A therapist? I can't afford one...and I mean I REALLY can't afford one.

Who would I call?

911?

I hate my life so much. I take full responsibility for how awful it is, but I can't fix it.

I'm drowning in my own shortcomings, failures, bad decisions and mistakes.

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Brighter Discontent
Artist or band: The Submarines
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Got a brand new roof above my head
All the empty boxes thrown away
I rearranged the place
A hundred times today
But the ordering of objects
Couldn't hide what's missing

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

Got myself a bottle of red wine
Got a night of nothing else to do
I think I might know
What I really want
But is a brighter discontent
The best that I could hope to find?

Got a big black television set
Now I can watch just what I want
But I'm here staring up
At pictures on the wall
And where are you,
You're still stuck inside them all

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

But love is not these belongings
That surround me
Though there's meaning
In the memories they hold
A breaking heart in an empty apartment
Was the loudest sound I never heard

Got a desk I'll write myself a note
Pretending that it came from you
On hotel stationary
From the time we first met
Whatever I can do cause
I won't throw my hands up yet

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

But love is not these belongings
That surround you
Though there's meaning
In the memories they hold
A breaking heart in an empty apartment
Was the loudest sound I never heard

Well I'll be fine ifI dont look around me now
Too much for what's gone
If only I can wait here just a little while
And let time pass in my room

I am Cursed

I'm convinced I am cursed.

There seems to be no way in the world for me to "meet someone new" and the best advice I get is that it will happen when I am 'not looking'.

Super. Though the beauty is that I suppose I no longer am looking.

Meanwhile, the young cook at work is putting the hard press on me. He's ramping up his flirting and it's becoming a topic of conversation around the retaurant. People are actually beginning to whisper about it. Well, not whisper. They're loud about it. It's like being teased in the 5th grade all over again. Last night I had commented on Taylor spending the night at Brad's and the cook figured out I'd be home alone and did his damnedest to try to get me to invite him over.

I stuck to my guns and went home alone but I have to admit I had a couple moments where I almost wished I'd caved. Each time I would say "HE'S TWENTY-TWO" out loud and cure that little whim.

I'm not getting over Jeff. Between my own stupid heart and the stupid ironies of the world, I can not get him out of my life.

Yesterday he emailed me. In his email he said "I am getting my shit together and it feels like I am digging out of a hole, somtimes I slip and fall back in but I continue to inch up and out. It's a cycle that will probably continue for the rest of my life and as I told you. The less you worry about me, the better. Because I will give you plenty of reasons to worry and I don't want you to have that burden. My cycles last anywhere from 6 months to 5 years it seems, I don't control them, they control me. I don't know how to stop what I am doing, and most of the time I don't want to stop. Self destruction marks the downward spiral and entrepreneurial vision marks an upswing.

You have done more for me than anyone and I really appreciate it. Why you still talk to me is beyond me but I am grateful. I have never survived a down cycle and come through it with friends from before it on the other side. If you become that person, you will in fact be the only one. I have business associates that have avoided me during down times that are willing to jump in during upswings but no one that was just a friend last through one.

I don't have the benefit of drinking to understand why I am writing this to you."

It's not a major revelation to anyone but Jeff. You might remember that I often wrote that I was the only person who stood by him. I was the only person that loved him inspite of himself. I was the only one who ever cared enough to accept him. It no longer matters since he's burned the bridge between us, but I still stand on my side and watch him on his side. I have always known that I was the best thing for him. I always knew that no one else has or would stand beside him when he goes through his psycho/socio phases. I feel like I am somehow trapped in my own Dante's Inferno.

Everywhere I turn there he is. I turn on the TV and see his name on my television screen. (A popular HBO show features a character that has his full name). I open an email and he's there. My fabric softener smells like him (coincidence). Everything I see, touch, smell and hear brings him to mind. It's insane. Before Jeff and I were anything but co-workers - do you remember me blogging about the dreams? I had incredibly vivid dreams that seemed to foretell Jeff and I being in a relationship. I had them 5-6 times a week. I would wake up and cry because I felt like I was betraying Brad in my sleep. I hated the dreams because in them, I was in love with him - and when I woke I could still feel it. I still believe those dreams were a part of what drove me to Jeff. That and Hurricane Wilma's aftermath.

Between the dreams, the natural disasters that threw us together and all of the insane, crazy, cosmic crap that keeps putting Jeff and I together - somehow I suspect he and I really are meant for one another and that this is my life now...together, but not together. Loving him while he occasionally uses and hurts me. I feel trapped. I feel like I can't get free.

Sometimes I think he and I really are star-crossed soulmates. Sometimes I think he is Satan, himself, and that he's conjured mystical forces from day one to torment and abuse me.

I could end all communication but somehow I know something would happen to throw him back into my path again and again. Everytime I manage to stay away from him, it happens. Sometimes it's my fault. Sometimes it's his. Sometimes it's neither of us and just some strange twist of fate.

Oh yes, and the fact that I am pregnant with his child isn't helping. I'm sick every morning. I'm eating like a starved pig. I'm sensitive to evry smell. When nausea hits only food will settle my stomach for a bit. I'm exhausted 24-7. I'm highly emotional. I skipped my period that was due March 20thish. My breasts are tender. I urinate every 20 minutes. When I brush my teeth, my gums bleed.

I'm not healthy enough to carry a pregnancy so this ends one of two ways. I miscarry or I terminate.

My life is still such a mess.

Yes, the pregnancy was stupidity on my part - but honestly - when I WANTED to try to get pregnant it was impossible. It took 8 years to conceive. I've had 3 miscarriages. The odds of me getting pregnant the scant handful of times I caved and slept with Jeff are inconceivable (heh, ironic word choice - don't you think?)

When I lived with Jeff we had sex on average 1 time a day for 7 days a week. Nothing during that time.

So now...?????

Really???? The gods are laughing at me.

So, of course I feel more alone than ever. I feel like I am just falling apart.

I'm mad at myself. Mad at the fates.

Last night, I watched Desperate Housewives and at the end there was a scene with Edie where she strips naked in front of Carlos and basically tells him she is bare before him and wants a chance to be someone other than the woman everyone sees.

I cried. And I mean I cried. I sobbed for a good hour.

There are so many changes that need to happen in my life that I am at a loss for where to even begin. Sometimes I feel like it's so screwed up, so tangled and twisted and damaged that I can never get it all straightened out. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up entirely.

I hate myself right now for the mess I have made of my life.

I really do. And frankly, I expect every one of you to hate me as well. Don't even bother with the comments on this one...if you're going to tell me that I am an asshole - I already know it. If you're going to offer sympathy or support - I don't deserve it.

Hanging

I know I haven't posted much lately. I haven't been feeling well. I'm dealing with it.

I'm feeling sick and run-down and exhausted. I'm also feeling alone. Jeff invited me over to talk and I bsaically wrote him back and told him I was no less alone with him then without him and declined. At least I seem to have learned something. Using Jeff as a band-aid so I don't feel lonely is a very temporary solution that usually does more harm than good.

Money is very, very tight right now with the move so recent and I'm trying hard to keep my budget tight. Easter's going to take a chunk but...what can you do?

Brad's spending less time with Taylor now. He had her stay home alone when I worked Wednesday night and it went fine. I'm in a gated community - with that handy burglar alarm system - and she is mature enough to handle it. I think he's relieved because he really has been practically babysitting non-stop and I understand that. The downside is that Taylor is wondering why she's not with Dad. She was hoping to see him but he's been evasive about it. At this point he won't see her until Easter Sunday evening because his parents have dinner.

It's fine with me. It's not as if I have plans and need a babysitter. I don't mind her being here. But I think it's bothering her.

Can You Spare a Dime?

So - with my new place comes added financial responsibilities. I'm working hard at 2 jobs and still trying to be the best mom I can be.

Having said that - I have added a section to my sidebar of "My Extra Income" sources. These are all banners of programs that I already do to earn money but apparently I can increase my earnings if other people join under me as a referral.

So, please consider it :) I would suggest you do what I do and create a separate 'free' email address to join under to avoid cluttering your inbox.

All the programs I list are programs that I do actually actively use. I have earned cash, gift cards and other 'rewards' from every one that I list. Most are simple clicks or purchases - for example, if I need to send flowers for my father's company or if I need to purchase ink for my printer I try to buy it through one of the partner sites of the rewards programs that I use. I get a good deal and usually earn points-per-dollar.

So--- my internet 'pan-handling' request is that you sign up for some of these as well. I'll be adding more all the time.

Thanks :)

Hello New Life

There's a double entendre in my subject line...I wonder if you guessed it. I suppose I should have known there would be consequences...

First, hello new life! I'm (mostly) settled in with the exception of unpacking. I return to work tonight and I am really enjoying my new place.

I got a series of phone calls from Jeff this morning. Interesting since we've not really spoken lately and when we have it's been tense at best. His car broke down and he needed to know where I thought he should take it. I gave him my mechanic's name and phone number and then got a follow up call asking me to pick him up there. I did and got the follow up favor request to borrow my truck for a bit (technically his truck, so no real "no" was possible) - he had a job interview to go to.

Intriguing that he still comes to me when he needs help. I often feel like saying "Hey, you decided that you didn't need me in your life - so STOP NEEDING ME".

In other news, it looks like I have a date in the near future. Yes, I am going to go on a date. It's sort of a blind date, although we spoke on the phone for a few hours last night. He seems really nice and his pictures are pretty cute. He owns his own small business and we had a lot in common. He is fresh (3 months) out of a bad break-up of his own that seemed similar to mine with Jeff. His girlfriend has some sort of brain injury that affected her personality in ways like Jeff's mental illness affects him. He'd been hurt too. He has a 26 month old son and is active in his son's life. The baby is in Boston, but he travels every 6 weeks or so to see him. I have to admit there was a minor connection over the phone, so it might be a nice date. He lives about an hour away from me and is as busy as I am, so it's 'safe' too in that he's not 'too close'. His name is John and ...we'll see.

As far as my double entendre goes - ironic, really. Damnedest thing.

Home Sweet Home

Well - every muscle in my body is in pain and I'm tired but we're in!

The first night wasn't quite the bliss I had imagined, to say the least.

Taylor and I used a dolly and our brains and brawn to successfully move huge amounts of things and spent the entire night unpacking our kitchen. They were HEAVY but we figured ways to use the dolly as a sort of ramp and managed fine (and were proud!)

Around midnight, we collapsed (exhausted) into heaps on the bedroom floor with pillows and blankets to get a good nights sleep for the BIG move the next day.

Around 12:30 am, the power flickered and the lights went out. The house filled with a screaming siren and we both nearly went into heart failure. Apparently we have a built in burglar alarm system. This lasted for about 45 seconds.

It happened again at 1:40, 2:15, 3:47, 4:27, 6:19 and 7:27 am.

We had no sleep. Each time we achieved REM we were torn from it by all hell breaking loose.

I already have a phone call into the realtor.

Moving day was tense. I was exhausted, my sister and her fiance were hung over and Brad was fighting the flu. Everyone was cranky. Still, we managed to unload the last piece of furniture by 6:45 pm and everyone fled.

I spent the night moving furniture and unpacking what I could. I did manage to cook a small meal and take a bath. I slept like the dead.

Today will be more unpacking.

I'm broke, tired and aching - but content.

The old house was hollow and empty when I left it. I took everything. Jeff came home to his own belongings - a big screen tv in an empty living room, a bed, a desk and his boy's bunkbeds. I took every plate, every cup, every fork.

It was all mine.

I know him well enough to know that this will depress him. I almost feel bad about it.

But for now, I am busy settling in. I have a lot of work ahead of me to get this place settled and then to get back to work to replenish my now empty bank account.

But, I'm home.