I am Cursed

I'm convinced I am cursed.

There seems to be no way in the world for me to "meet someone new" and the best advice I get is that it will happen when I am 'not looking'.

Super. Though the beauty is that I suppose I no longer am looking.

Meanwhile, the young cook at work is putting the hard press on me. He's ramping up his flirting and it's becoming a topic of conversation around the retaurant. People are actually beginning to whisper about it. Well, not whisper. They're loud about it. It's like being teased in the 5th grade all over again. Last night I had commented on Taylor spending the night at Brad's and the cook figured out I'd be home alone and did his damnedest to try to get me to invite him over.

I stuck to my guns and went home alone but I have to admit I had a couple moments where I almost wished I'd caved. Each time I would say "HE'S TWENTY-TWO" out loud and cure that little whim.

I'm not getting over Jeff. Between my own stupid heart and the stupid ironies of the world, I can not get him out of my life.

Yesterday he emailed me. In his email he said "I am getting my shit together and it feels like I am digging out of a hole, somtimes I slip and fall back in but I continue to inch up and out. It's a cycle that will probably continue for the rest of my life and as I told you. The less you worry about me, the better. Because I will give you plenty of reasons to worry and I don't want you to have that burden. My cycles last anywhere from 6 months to 5 years it seems, I don't control them, they control me. I don't know how to stop what I am doing, and most of the time I don't want to stop. Self destruction marks the downward spiral and entrepreneurial vision marks an upswing.

You have done more for me than anyone and I really appreciate it. Why you still talk to me is beyond me but I am grateful. I have never survived a down cycle and come through it with friends from before it on the other side. If you become that person, you will in fact be the only one. I have business associates that have avoided me during down times that are willing to jump in during upswings but no one that was just a friend last through one.

I don't have the benefit of drinking to understand why I am writing this to you."

It's not a major revelation to anyone but Jeff. You might remember that I often wrote that I was the only person who stood by him. I was the only person that loved him inspite of himself. I was the only one who ever cared enough to accept him. It no longer matters since he's burned the bridge between us, but I still stand on my side and watch him on his side. I have always known that I was the best thing for him. I always knew that no one else has or would stand beside him when he goes through his psycho/socio phases. I feel like I am somehow trapped in my own Dante's Inferno.

Everywhere I turn there he is. I turn on the TV and see his name on my television screen. (A popular HBO show features a character that has his full name). I open an email and he's there. My fabric softener smells like him (coincidence). Everything I see, touch, smell and hear brings him to mind. It's insane. Before Jeff and I were anything but co-workers - do you remember me blogging about the dreams? I had incredibly vivid dreams that seemed to foretell Jeff and I being in a relationship. I had them 5-6 times a week. I would wake up and cry because I felt like I was betraying Brad in my sleep. I hated the dreams because in them, I was in love with him - and when I woke I could still feel it. I still believe those dreams were a part of what drove me to Jeff. That and Hurricane Wilma's aftermath.

Between the dreams, the natural disasters that threw us together and all of the insane, crazy, cosmic crap that keeps putting Jeff and I together - somehow I suspect he and I really are meant for one another and that this is my life now...together, but not together. Loving him while he occasionally uses and hurts me. I feel trapped. I feel like I can't get free.

Sometimes I think he and I really are star-crossed soulmates. Sometimes I think he is Satan, himself, and that he's conjured mystical forces from day one to torment and abuse me.

I could end all communication but somehow I know something would happen to throw him back into my path again and again. Everytime I manage to stay away from him, it happens. Sometimes it's my fault. Sometimes it's his. Sometimes it's neither of us and just some strange twist of fate.

Oh yes, and the fact that I am pregnant with his child isn't helping. I'm sick every morning. I'm eating like a starved pig. I'm sensitive to evry smell. When nausea hits only food will settle my stomach for a bit. I'm exhausted 24-7. I'm highly emotional. I skipped my period that was due March 20thish. My breasts are tender. I urinate every 20 minutes. When I brush my teeth, my gums bleed.

I'm not healthy enough to carry a pregnancy so this ends one of two ways. I miscarry or I terminate.

My life is still such a mess.

Yes, the pregnancy was stupidity on my part - but honestly - when I WANTED to try to get pregnant it was impossible. It took 8 years to conceive. I've had 3 miscarriages. The odds of me getting pregnant the scant handful of times I caved and slept with Jeff are inconceivable (heh, ironic word choice - don't you think?)

When I lived with Jeff we had sex on average 1 time a day for 7 days a week. Nothing during that time.

So now...?????

Really???? The gods are laughing at me.

So, of course I feel more alone than ever. I feel like I am just falling apart.

I'm mad at myself. Mad at the fates.

Last night, I watched Desperate Housewives and at the end there was a scene with Edie where she strips naked in front of Carlos and basically tells him she is bare before him and wants a chance to be someone other than the woman everyone sees.

I cried. And I mean I cried. I sobbed for a good hour.

There are so many changes that need to happen in my life that I am at a loss for where to even begin. Sometimes I feel like it's so screwed up, so tangled and twisted and damaged that I can never get it all straightened out. Sometimes I feel like I should just give up entirely.

I hate myself right now for the mess I have made of my life.

I really do. And frankly, I expect every one of you to hate me as well. Don't even bother with the comments on this one...if you're going to tell me that I am an asshole - I already know it. If you're going to offer sympathy or support - I don't deserve it.