Friday the 13th

With my luck, Friday the 13th is really just another day. I'm just as likely to have bad luck on the 7th, 21st or any other day ending in 'y'.

I have random thoughts today...

I work tonight and I am anxious about it. The past two nights I have really felt sick and tired and working tonight is going to be painful.

I spent my nights off watching tv. I even laughed a couple times. I still cried also. I think I have cried every single day for the past 5 months.

Watching shows like Grey's Anatomy make me more conscious of the lack of friends in my life. Real friends. I began to daydream about a friend...if I were my friend I would show up unexpectedly with a tub of ice cream and a dvd chick flick. I would drag my miserable ass out of the house and go out for a drink or a dance. I would take myself to the beach. I would do whatever I could to get my depressed ass up and moving about before I grow moldy and stagnant.

But I don't have a friend. My best friend Mindy abandoned me when I chose to be with Jeff and I am still bitter over it. We were best friends for many years and I think I could have survived all of this better if she'd stayed a friend.

So, I stay in my house. I don't go out. I pick up my cell phone a hundred times a day in the hopes of just talking to someone and scroll through my contacts only to realize I have no one to call. No one to talk to.

I have two friends I can usually chat with. One lives in Oklahoma and the other in North Carolina. I miss them both but I know they're sick of me right now. You know how you can tell? When you call them and they very pointedly avoid asking "How are you?".

Sometimes I reach for the phone and I tell myself (out loud) "You're alone. Be alone."

I'm turning into a recluse.

My sister's wedding in in one week and I have no joy for it. If anything, I'm dreading it. I'm relegated to the 'loser' table of misplaced guests because I have no one to sit with. Even Taylor has a kid's table to sit at, but I am sitting with the random co-workers, classmates and mothers of friends who she had no place else to sit. I'll be without a dance partner for the night and I am envisioning a night of sitting in a corner trying not to cry, knowing people are pitying me. I'm the only 'single' person there. Literally. 70-something guests and I am the 'odd number'. Between that and the night of 'love songs' that are sure to be blasted by some dickhead of a dj I am not looking forward to this at all. At least if I cry, people will think it's with sentimental joy over my little sister getting married and not some pathetic self-pity.

Money is officially beyond tight. It's suffocating. I really should pick up some extra shifts, but I feel so sick that I can't do it.

Tomorrow night is my sister's bachlorette party. I'm dreading that too. Tagging along with 15 scantily clad 22 year olds for a night of debauchery and drinking is the furthest thing in the world from what I am 'up for' at the moment. Part of me knows I need to go and that maybe I'd even have fun - but the other part of me keeps whispering "stay home..."

Lastly, my rose bush is dead.

This is actually pretty signifigant. This is a small miniature pink rose bush that Brad gave me for Valentine's Day in 2000. Over the years it has flourished and then withered. I noticed that it seems to blossom when things are good for me. I used to believe that everytime it bloomed it meant someone loved me. When Hurricane Wilma destroyed everything else, this little bush survived.

I've tried to save it. I've done all I could but it looks like it's officially dead. Not a hint of green on any stalk or stem.

I can't help but wonder if that has some cosmic meaning. If I always believed this bush represented the love and happiness in my life than it must mean something that it has now withered and died..

Which, coincidentally, is how I feel. Like I have withered and died. I feel like I am that rose bush.

Describing my sense of loneliness would be impossible. I can tell you that it is far more painful to feel this way surrounded by people than it would be to be alone on a desserted island. At least on the island, you are alone by force. I just feel alienated.

I've lost everyone (except Taylor). The people at work are nice and are "work friends" that I enjoy at work, but don't see beyond that. They're all about 10 years younger than I am. I don't have any other opportunity in my life to meet new people.

I don't go to church. Since it conflicts with my beliefs, I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd feel like a fraud - like an imposter.

I work two jobs and don't really have the free time to volunteer at something - which I'd actually enjoy doing - but money is priority one and working makes the money.

I work from home - alone - during the day.

I have been alone since Jeff and I split and it's been the longest, unhappiest 5 months of my life. I didn't even know a person could hurt this much.

Worst - being alone makes me feel sad and isolated. It makes me skittish of people in general. I am morphing into this ghost. I feel invisible. I think that if I disappeared entirely only Taylor would notice it at all.

As someone who was always the life of the party, the leader of the pack, the center of the attention and the spotlight grabber in the group - this is pretty drastic.

And I feel like it will be forever.

I'm anxious to get the pregnancy taken care of. There's zero possibility of carrying another baby to term. Two major miscarriages and my heart condition rule it out entirely. The only option is termination and truth-be-told even that's dangerous with my heart condition. But I can't medically do anything about it until at least the end of the month. Otherwise, I'd be there tomorrow.

I've really ruined my life. I'm open to starting a new one, but I just don't know how or where to even begin.