K.I.T.

K.I.T. = Keep In Touch.

I know, I've been awful at it lately. I'm always tired or enthralled with something I TIVO'ed or feeling like crap. Or sad. Or busy.

I don't mean to neglect my diary. Now I have a million things I have to somehow catch up here...

1) My little sister's wedding is tomorrow. We had the rehearsal tonight because Taylor is a junior bridesmaid. I am not sure what I feel about this wedding...dread? I'm not convinced it's right - she's so young... Maybe I'm just jaded. I do know I am fucking hating the idea of spending tomorrow night dressed to the 9's and sitting alone while some fuckwat dj plays love song after love song until I want to stab him with a fork. I think I would rather have dental surgery without anesthesia and through my rectum than go tomorrow. I love my sister - but I'm just not the best wedding guest these days. Besides - the people there are people I barely tolerate. My dad's side of the family and I never were close and my skin crawls when I hear them twang my name....

2) Jeff's sick. Really sick. Full blown psych episode time. He stopped going to work, stopped taking showers and there is more but I can't write it here - let's just say he did something that I found out about that caused me to go into complete shock for a day. He's in trouble. I know - I shouldn't give a shit, right??? I can't help it...I do. I can't 'help' him but I feel responsible for him. In two weeks he is about to be homeless. I've already told him he can not come here. I'm worried about him. I'm VERY worried he'll hurt himself or someone else. I tried to talk to him (in IMs) and he may be moderately open to some help right now because I think even he knows it's really bad this time. I really ONLY talk to him in IMs but I'm very aware of what's going on with him. He opens up to me in text. I had gone 5 days with no communication. I bragged to my sister that I thought I was "over him" and that night he began to IM me. It's like he senses when I am "gone" and has to reel me back. He's never going to let me go. I knew he wouldn't. The problem is that he keeps me imprisoned in my hurt.

3) I'm sick. I'm eating like a horse. I swear that I think I eat a full meal every 2 hours right now. Half the time I am not hungry but my body needs food or it promises to begin vomiting. I'm not enjoying this. I'm anxiously awaiting the appointment to end this - but I have to admit...at least once I put my hand on my stomach and tried to feel something for this child. I tried to reach deep inside and see if I could love it. I only felt deep fear. Fear that the child would be ill also like Jeff is. I began to feel VERY Rosemary's Baby.

4) I'm lonely. At night I watch TV and every few minutes I get up and wander aimlessly from room to room. I don't know why. I sleep with the lights on. I wait until I am beyond exhausted to lie down because I am afraid to lie in bed awake in the night. I still cry every day. I'm becoming listless. I no longer care about going to the grocery store with no makeup on and my hair twisted into a ratty ponytail. I think I have begun to believe that I am invisible after all and that no one sees or hears me anyway...

5) I wish things were different.