Private Post #1

I admit that I am confused, even if I feel like I am managing well.

There's so much going on that I haven't written and I hope under the guise of "private" blogging I can be more open with myself.

Sunday at work was a long, hellish day. Jeff texted me to ask if I wanted to "play". He found a 'couple' that wanted to 'swing' and was curious if I would do it with him. I told him I was in a horrible mood but I would meet them with him.

Truth be told, I couldn't even imagine wanting to. It's not that I wouldn't. I never have, but I am curious about it and in the right situation I might try...but this wasn't the night for it.

I met Jeff and Rachel and Pete at The Parrot. As soon as I walked in, I wanted to punch him. He was very sweet with his "Hey baby!"'s and rubbing my tired and stiff shoulders. Very showy for the couple. She was frumpy, short and heavy set and looked like a white trash version of my former sister-in-law and he was a short, stupid, wide-eyed redneck. They weren't 'ugly' but they had zero class and were nowhere near my 'type'.

We chatted over drinks and I began to surreptitiously poke fun at them...

Jeff got it and was nearly hysterical laughing but trying not to let on that he 'got it' and they were oblivious. At one point Pete mentioned he'd 'accidentally' stabbed a guy "18 times".

Me: "18 times? Accidentally???"

Pete: "Yep. Self defense"

Me: "18 times? One - oops! Two - oops! Three - oops! - - - Seriously?"

Pete: "Yep! Self defense"

Me" "You've been on 'Cops', haven't you?"

Rachel (laughing): "Naaaah! The closest we ever got to being on Cops was..."

Me: "Please don't finish that sentence...it's perfect the way it is...."

Jeff: uncontrollaby laughing

moments later - noticing a VERY haggard homeless man who kept offering us vodka from a paper bag (I swear this happened)

Rachel: Pete, he reminds me of your dad

Me: Are you serious?

Needless to say, we left.

Pete began to hit on me before we left. Telling me how beautiful I was and how perfect my chest was. I thought Jeff liked this until much later I found out that he didn't like it at all.

We went back to Jeff's place and had sexual olympics again.

I don't know how to even begin to describe our last two encounters. Wow...

Every position, multiple orgasms for us both, anal sex that rocked my world. Oral, anal, top, bottom, rough, tender, dirty talk - everything...amazing. Hours and hours....

I tried to leave several times and he kept pulling me back. He seemed to want to cuddle. Cuddling led to more sex. I kept whispering "You have to let me go". Part of me meant 'go home' and part of me meant just what I said. Release me. Let go of your hold on me.

I think on some level he heard me.

I didn't get home until almost 6 am. I was exhausted.

He called me first thing. He told me I had "many ways of making him smile" and then said he felt like we were "back together" and reminded me we weren't exclusive. I was confused as to where all of this came from. Later he explained. The idea of me sleeping with 'Pete' had pissed him off. He actually used the words "I realized I have to let you go to let you do what you want".

Ahhh. Jeff has feelings.

Jeff doesn't deal with feelings well. I know he loves me, but if that realization creeps into his head he gets squirrly on me. As he is now. He's signed up for Yahoo Personals (to replace me, I am sure)

Perfect example - here are the emails we exchanged yesterday:

From Jeff:

"You make me smile in many ways...although right now I am feeling a little rough :)

Sorry to hear you got lost, how did you do that?

Sounds like you are working every night this week so maybe we can talk about business Wed after your dinner.

Hope I made your night better :)"

I responded:

"I’m feeling rough myself.

I have no idea how I got lost. I guess I was tired and still a bit buzzed.

You did make my night better. Not so sure about my morning. Somehow, as usual, you manage to make me smile and scowl at the same time. It irritated me to realize I was second choice for company!!! LOL. A major blow to the ego!

Sorry it didn’t work out again with the couple. I still think you should think about contacting Mike and Liz for Sunday night. If you didn’t have the boys, I would suggest we look into Trapeze. I have no idea if they serve margaritas, but my guess is we could stop before we got there for them. You can check out the website after work and tell me what you think - http://www.trapezeclub.com/trapnew/home.htm. Sat & Sun are couples only nights. Thurs is meet & greet night for new and current members.

In thinking about it, I wondered if I was being “too picky”. I still think we are both upscale people and no matter how curious I am about the lifestyle – if we try this for the first time with a couple that doesn’t really send me it could also end up being the “last” time. You know? That first experience is going to be important and I think a comfort level and attraction are important. If something goes wrong that first time, I’m not sure I’d stick with it. I need to feel safe, comfortable and secure. I’m not really looking to just observe you fucking other women. You can do that without me and I’m better than that. Even with an attractive couple I may need help to relax with them. It may be that we start out by going to Trapeze ourselves and at first we may just be fooling around with each other until the right person/people come along at the right moment. I think if I am already relaxed and turned on then I’m probably going to be easier to take that leap…I know I’m comfortable with you (and you know what I can be like if I am comfortable!) so I still feel like you are an important part of the equation…

I do have standards. They apply to any man (or woman or couple). I suppose that I think highly enough of myself and I am secure enough in myself not to be quite so willing to lower them, you know"

He responded:

"I can't go on AFF during the day, why dont you see if you can contact them and set up Sun night.

I was thinking through the whole selection process and I think we are making progress on what we want. I agree that we are significantly above average on looks and brains in this segment of the population, I hope I am proven wrong at some point...lol. But seriously, I agree that the club scene may make the most sense because even if we see or speak with someone that doesn't want to be with us, we can kind of determine a type. I think I was just looking for people local to start with and even though we didnt go through with either of them, I think it gave us a great deal of insite.

As far as being second choice, I think we both know where we stand with each other.

I agree that we need to respect each other and I think we are good on that. I guess I am looking at it as does the woman have to be better looking than you and the man better looking than me for us to be willing to go to the next level and I am not convinced the answer isn't yes...lol. But time will tell, the next question will be does either of us have an issue when we get to that point, honestly I have to be careful not to be too protective of you and let you do what you want to do and I will work on that to find the balance.

Bottom line, neither of us needs to lower our standards to make something happen, if it happens it will happen when the time is right, until then we experiment and repeat last night over and over...lol"

I responded:

"You said some things today that raise issues that we need to talk about and I am glad you did.

Did something happen to get too close or to scare you last night? Was it something that I did?

I know you say that we know where we stand, but I guess I am not entirely sure that it’s true and want to make sure it doesn’t create a problem on several levels. I’m upfront about my feelings – you know I have them, I just keep them compartmentalized. I can’t be in a relationship with you or anyone – at least not right now. I have learned to never say “never”, but I don’t see any changes on the horizon. I like my life. When I am with you, I enjoy you more because of the connection but when we are apart I am fine too. On the other hand, my presumption is that you have feelings of your own and aren’t sure how to define them or what they mean. You have serious intimacy issues and you tend to punish me when you feel too close to me. My hope is that you will come to see you can have feelings and not be ‘with’ me and it’s still ok. I really hope you find a way to make it ok in your own mind so we don’t have to go through our usual love/hate cycle but my fear is that you’re already questioning those same feelings and that you’re going to give me that old familiar ‘push from a moving car’ in the near future. I only want to find balance. I like to enjoy you in and out of bed (and WOW have the last few times been MIND BLOWING!!!!!!) and I have gotten really good at putting whatever I feel into the box marked “Jeff” and shutting the lid when we part. Sometimes I feel more than other times but I always enjoy our time together without regret or worry or jealousy. I know that we have always had a connection on a deeper level than either of us has ever been able to deal with well and I just hope that if you are coping with your own fears or feelings that you will find a way to balance it without feeling like you have to push, run or hide. I have no expectations of you and I think we’re “cool”. I know I tease you and tell you that I know you love me and that’s not really respectful of me and I am sorry for that.

I think this is probably the most important talk we can have. It will avoid drama if/when we are working together, swinging or dating. I’m not really sure what you were trying to tell me on the phone earlier. Did you get the impression I thought we were exclusive? Did I somehow lead you to believe I expected more of you? You said it felt like we were back together. Can you tell me what I did that bothered you? I tried to remember if I did or said anything but I couldn’t come up with it.

You are closer to me than a stranger in a club is going to be. To whatever degree we get involved with another couple, there will be certain things I don’t do with those men. I wouldn’t let them get rough with me or anything like that. There are things between you and I that are born from trust and comfort levels and I think we’re pretty much finding these days that we’re entirely comfortable there!!! (Sorry, flashback to last night just made me dizzy…wow!!!!!!!!!)

Hey – on a lighter note, it’s a HUGE relief we didn’t have sex like this when we lived together. We would have killed each other.

I’m not sure it’s all about looks. I don’t think it’s a great challenge to find a girl prettier than me – I’ve always known that my personality is what takes me from average to above average and I am comfortable with that. When I walk into a room, people don’t stop and stare but when I spend time with them they tend to find themselves attracted to me.

Anyway – let’s clarify what we can. I don’t want to find ourselves at odds over a misunderstanding now or later.

I wish I could say all of this better. I have a feeling I am still not getting it across."

From there I went to work. The NO SLEEP was killing me and I felt like hell. I was home by 10 and exhausted. The minute I signed online, he was there...

The conversation continued in IMs:

Session Start

Mon Jun 18 21:54:45 2007

[21:54] Jeff: are you there?

[21:55] christine: Yep

[21:55] Jeff: I sent you an email...she wants to meet us...not tonight..but I think she is cute and she is solo

[21:56] christine: My night was fine, how about yours? :)

[21:56] Jeff: laundry...poker...aff....lol

[21:56] Jeff: are you ok?

[21:57] christine: I think so

[21:57] christine: I've felt better

21:57] Jeff: I went through your comments on the hot list and deleted the nos

[21:58] Jeff: me too...I am dead but I have to stay awake until my laundry is done

[21:58] christine: Give me just a minute? brb Have to walk Dutch

[21:58] Jeff: ok...check out the pic when you get a chance

[22:10] christine: Ok, back

[22:10] Jeff: folding give me a sec

[22:14] Jeff: back

[22:15] christine: I can't see her profile. Can you tell me anything?

[22:15] Jeff: she is 34 bi and lives in Miami

[22:15] Jeff: looking for a couple

[22:15] Jeff: likes to be the 3rd

[22:15] christine What does that mean?

[22:16] Jeff: what part?

[22:16] christine: The 3rd?

[22:16] Jeff: me you and her

[22:17] Jeff: I mean she likes being with couples

[22:17] Jeff: do you think she is cute?

[22:17] christine: What's she into? Is she single or married? Personality? Did she see our pics? Any more specifics on what she wants? What did you talk about so far?

[22:17] christine: She's prettier than me, that's for sure

[22:17] Jeff: she has seen our pics

[22:17] Jeff: she thinks you are hot and she thinks I am cute

[22:18] christine: Ok, let me be more specific - lol

[22:18] Jeff: told her I needed your approval

[22:18] christine: Awww

[22:18] Jeff: I think that would be the respect part of our earlier conversation

[22:19] christine: She's gorgeous. Intimidatingly gorgeous. And you talked to her already. I just need my own comfort level too so I don't end up reading a book while you are fucking the hot chick and I'm dealing with insecurities, lol

[22:19] Jeff: lol she is at sandraxxxxx(edited)

[22:19] Jeff: on yahoo

[22:20] Jeff: I told her the first thing would be to meet for a drink and see if we click

[22:20] christine: I guess I didn't realize until I saw her picture that I might be more intimidated by fmf than by couples so I'm trying to find a way to approach it and maintain that comfort level

[22:20] christine: She's definitely hot

[22:20] christine: You sure you need me for this? LOL

[22:20] christine: What all did you talk about already?

[22:20] Jeff: yes, I want to play with you and her at the same time

[22:21] christine: Does yahoo allow a 3way chat?

[22:21] Jeff: just intial talk...where we live etc

[22:21] Jeff: yes

[22:21] christine: No sex talk to get a sense for what she likes?

[22:22] Jeff: not yet...told her we blew off a couple and had a 3 hour sexathon last night and she said she wished she was there...

[22:22] christine: lol

[22:22] christine: Is she on now?

[22:22] Jeff: she hasnt answered my last post to do a 3 way chat so if she does I will let you know

[22:23] Jeff: do you have conference as a button above?

[22:24] christine: Come back to this window until she answers

22:25] Jeff: ok

[22:25] Jeff: how was work?

[22:25] christine: It was ok. Just feeling really tired and headachey

[22:25] christine: Didn't eat all day

[22:26] Jeff: I ate all day...lol

[22:26] christine: Just feel icky. Sleep will be good today

[22:26] christine: Did you meet her in chat?

[22:26] Jeff: I have to get my laundry done...1 more hour

[22:26] Jeff: yes...

[22:27] Jeff: I was asking about Trapeze and was told to check out another place

Jeff: good to know pretty people swing too

[22:49] christine: But I am apparently going to need clothes

[22:49] Jeff: when do you need an excuse for that...lol

[22:50] christineslager: You're going to have a shopping trip with me in the near future!!! If there is one thing you should have learned by now it's that the fem in the couple is the bait[22:50] christine: So you're going to want to invest yourself and your sexual fantasies in me looking very, very pretty :)

[22:50] Jeff: lol

[22:51] Jeff: I have to get my back waxed, going to Stephanie's salon for free..lol

[22:51] christine: Now?

[22:51] Jeff: no..next week

[22:51] Jeff: her salon

[22:51] christine: How's that going?

[22:52] Jeff: seems to be going good..I talked to her tonight and she isnt clingy at all

[22:52] christineslager: Maybe you were hasty in ending it

22:53] Jeff: well she is looking for the normal relationship and you know I cant do that

[22:53] christine: So what are you going to do?

[22:53] Jeff: I am doing her a favor

[22:53] Jeff: do the once a week for a few weeks..say its not working and be done

22:53] christine: lol

[22:54] Jeff: its an exit stategy

[22:54] christine: Aha...lol

[22:54] christine: When's my expiration date? lol

[22:54] christine: Such a player

[22:54] Jeff: lol...my exit stategy with you was obviously fucked up

[22:54] Jeff: I guess death

[22:55] christine: Um...

[22:55] christine: mine or yours????

[22:55] christine: lol

[22:55] Jeff: lol..tbd

[22:55] Jeff: first one to go saves a place in hell for the other

[22:55] christine: Hmmm, serious question time. Do I need to have you using condoms with me? I don't want to get sick

[22:55] Jeff: I bet there are swinger clubs in hell

[22:56] christine: I'm sure, lol

[22:56] Jeff: I have only been with you and Stephanie...and I use condoms with her

[22:56] christine: You don't even have any!

[22:56] christine: Fibber

[22:56] Jeff: I do too

[22:56] Jeff: at her house

[22:56] Jeff: we dont have sex at my house

[22:57] christine: You know, if we swing you'd have to use them ESPECIALLY there

[22:57] Jeff: I know

[22:57] Jeff: thats the down side

[22:57] christine Yep

[22:57] Jeff: getting a long term couple would be good eventually ...lol

[22:57] christine: Yep

[22:58] Jeff: the person that can invent something better will be rich quick

[22:59] christine: Ok, so before my headache knocks me out and we both fall asleep, are you ready for a brief conversation on the dark side of all of this?

[22:59] Jeff: male supplied I mean...there is more shit than you can shake a stick at for women

[22:59] Jeff: sure

[22:59] Jeff: what let me check my laundry

[22:59] Jeff: wait

[23:05] christine: Ok

[23:06] christine: I pretty much like things the way they are. Not wanting that to change. I just want to make sure I don't become just the girl to fuck. I want to keep the friendship and be able to work together too.

[23:06] christine: It's not you, I wouldn't really want that with anyone

[23:06] christine: i don't feel like it's been that way, but I want to make sure it doesn't change

[23:07] Jeff: ok..that was going to be my question...

[23:07] christineslager: What?

[23:07] Jeff: do you feel it has been that way

[23:07] christine: No

[23:07] christine: We've hung out, talked about life outside bed, seen movies and been friends first in my opinion

[23:08] Jeff: I agree and even though it seems like it we dont have to have sex everytime we see each other

[23:08] christine: if you remove our history it's pretty much exactly what I'm up for

[23:08] christine: lol

[23:08] christine: I know. I have no worries about that.

[23:08] christine: I don't feel that way. I enjoy sex with you and I don't feel like we HAVE to but it sure is nice when we do, lol!

[23:09] Jeff: lol..did we really have 3 hours of sex last night?

[23:09] christine: That's no issue with me at all. I don't feel like it's expected

[23:09] christine: Hon, we had olympic sex twice in like 4 days

[23:09] christine: We outdid most porn

[23:09] Jeff: lol

[23:09] christine: I'm thinking it was only exhaustion and time that stopped us from fucking to death

[23:09] Jeff: lol

[23:10] christine: But seriously - WOW

[23:10] christine: We got good :)

[23:10] Jeff: I fell asleep by the time you went from reverse to drive in the dirveway

[23:10] christine: Clearly I did too since I ended up in the port

[23:10] Jeff: we definately know each other better

[23:11] christine: i think we actually get along better

[23:11] Jeff: and for some reason I think ...exactly

[23:11] christine: lol

[23:11] Jeff: going back to the :"if you dont expect too much from me I wont let you down

[23:12] Jeff: 11:11

[23:12] christine: lol

[23:12] christine: I was worried when you called this morning

[23:12] christine: You sounded scared, lol

[23:12] Jeff: I was worried you ran into a ditch or something

[23:12] christine: lol, no - I mean about the "It feels like we're together again" speech you laid on me

[23:13] Jeff: oh...I think I was just realizing that I have to let go more to feel good about you being with someone else

[23:14] christine: Well, that's why i think this is a good talk to have and even better in text

[23:14] Jeff: being the selfish one...I was only thinking of me and at some point last night or this morning I started thinking about you

[23:14] christine: The connection is always going to be there - that's clear. It's ok to care about each other and not be together like couples are

[23:15] christine: In a very twisted sense there are parts of us that always seem to (i don't know) belong? to each other. that's ok. We've been clear on everything

[23:15] christine: We'll just make sure we keep friendship first, respect and talk if we start to freak out before a misunderstanding happens

[23:16] Jeff: I think I was ok with you being with a girl but the thought of you being with a guy hit me

[23:16] christine: lol

[23:16] Jeff: especially that loser last night

[23:16] christine: Well, it would be the same for me to see you with a girl, but i think if we're doing it together it's different

[23:16] christine: lol

[23:16] christine: That actually speaks to one of my deepest darkest fears about you, lol

[23:17] Jeff: I was thinking you would be ulitmately the one to approve both, but last night I realized I had an opinion on what I thought you should do

[23:17] christine: And you have that

[23:17] christine: I GIVE you that right

[23:17] christine: We do it together

[23:17] Jeff: cool[23:18] Jeff: that was the getting your approval tonight...I thought that was respectful[23:18] christine: It was, and I appreciate it. We are definitely learning this together - I learned a few things too[23:18] christine: I learned that I tend to feel insecure when you find, meet and establish a connection before me because then I feel like I'm a 3rd wheel, lol[23:18] christine: I have to find my way of dealing with that because it's not anything wrong[23:19] Jeff: I dont feel like a third wheel with Sparky and whats her name...maybe that just comes with time[23:20] christine: I think I just want to be sure I never end up the "wing man" and that you find a hot girl you want to fuck but she won't do it without me and I become just a prop[23:21] Jeff: no I won't use you that way...[23:21] christine: lol, yes you would[23:21] christine: But I'd like to believe otherwise[23:21] christine: lol[23:21] Jeff: the sex we have is too good...[23:21] christine: It is pretty fucking amazing[23:21] christine: I feel like it should be documented or something - I mean....WOW[23:22] Jeff: lol[23:22] Jeff: I feel like I am in my 20s again[23:22] christine: It's sort of like this "aha" moment of Oooooh, so THAT'S how it's done[23:22] christine: I thought sex was good before but damn....[23:22] Jeff: it is pre-marriage sex...I mean pre being 28[23:23] christine: And I have no idea why things work with you the way that they do but somehow - you fit right, I trust you, I feel secure and comfortable with you - it just all fits and makes for this great experience[23:23] christine: Maybe that's why I am trying to be so careful not to upset a pretty great balance[23:23] Jeff: thats my magic...lol[23:23] christine: No, seriously - I mean SERIOUSLY[23:23] christine: lol[23:24] christine: Even the anal sex thing - never NEVER did anything for me and somehow you turn it into this unbelievable thing[23:24] christine: To the point that I start to beg for it[23:24] christine: lol[23:24] Jeff: see...the 20 something scene was have sex like that...get bored...dump the girl...she stalks me until I am an asshole [23:24] Jeff: repeat[23:24] christine: Yes. You got the asshole thing out of the way with me upfront. lol[23:25] Jeff: I know thats the great thing...[23:25] Jeff: there is no pressure to stay faithful and no preconceptions[23:25] christine: But I feel like I said or did something to scare you last night...?[23:26] Jeff: no I think it was the realizing that I had an opinion about you being with a guy and felt like you had the right to choose on your own and then thinking that I am asking you to choose both and then thinking I should put in my opinion[23:27] Jeff: hows that for a run-on sentence[23:28] christine: That was why you brought up wanting to make sure I wasn't thinking we were exclusive or that it felt like we were together again? lol - You confused me with that. I kept trying to think of where it came from.[23:28] Jeff: make sense now[23:28] Jeff: ?[23:29] Jeff: I am out of cigarettes because somebody took 6 instead of 3[23:29] christine: I know that you actively seek out women to date. I don't do that. I don't feel any need for it. I'm not anxious to get involved with someone and I feel like if and when someone comes along - then they come along and I deal with it then. [23:29] christine: Hmph, I hope she was worth it[23:29] christine: So i don't want you to worry that just because I am not trying to find someone means I am trying to keep a hold on you[23:30] christine: i just do it differently[23:30] Jeff: I stopped doing that...Stephanie is a lingering past problem but from here on I am up front...[23:30] christine: And that's really entirely your business and I'm not trying to pry[23:30] christine: I think when I tried to analyze it all that was what I came up with - that maybe you thought that the fact that I wasn't actively dating was an issue[23:30] Jeff: but I am still looking around...it may kill me but I could have sex every night I think[23:31] christine: Condoms....[23:31] Jeff: I know..[23:31] Jeff: I have to keep it in moderation...[23:31] christine: You haven't actually had to deal with me dating anyone either. [23:32] Jeff: nope you have been out with a few people but it didnt bother me[23:32] christine: I've dated casually and not really been open to more[23:32] christine: I'm still not but if the right person came along, I'm not about to say "never"[23:33] Jeff: I told you I expect that day to come[23:33] christine: It's not on the horizon at the moment[23:34] christine: Which is all that really matters right now[23:34] Jeff: lol...carpe dium[23:34] christine: Yep[23:34] christine: diem[23:34] christine: lol[23:34] Jeff: lol[23:34] christine: When it comes, it'll be scary because I will want to find a way to NOT lose my best friend over it too[23:34] Jeff: we can sneak around...lol[23:35] christine: (eye roll)[23:35] christine: Ok, I feel good that we're good[23:35] Jeff: finding a guy that understands our relationship and is not intimidated by it will be impressive[23:35] christine: lol[23:35] christine: Um...yeah[23:35] christine: Because OF COURSE that's what you do, right?[23:35] christine: lol[23:36] Jeff: lol[23:36] Jeff: hey when the day comes I will be happy for you[23:36] christine: Gee, Linda, Beth, Kim, Sally - I really like you and I'm thrilled to be your boyfriend so I hope you don't mind my best friend is my ex-fiancee and we still fuck[23:36] christine: That's ok, right??[23:36] christine: No you won't[23:37] christine: but we'll worry about problems when problems arise[23:37] Jeff: dont date sally's[23:37] Jeff: probably not Beths either[23:37] Jeff: Kim and Linda...probably[23:37] christine: Don't need your roster.[23:37] Jeff: lol[23:38] Jeff: hey...I could go with a day of the week theme.[23:38] christine: Excuse me????[23:38] Jeff: you know someone every Monday...[23:38] christine: (sigh)[23:38] christine: Ok....[23:38] Jeff: that would narrow it to 7[23:39] christine: Back to the lesson[23:39] christine: 7, really?[23:39] christine: Wow, good luck with that.[23:39] christine: I'll miss the fun![23:39] Jeff: yes there are 7 days in a week[23:39] christine: Do you remember one of the first things I told you when we FIRST hooked up?[23:39] Jeff: sure[23:39] christine: Right, lol[23:39] Jeff: lol[23:39] christine: The day I am just another chorus girl in your stable is the day you go your own way[23:40] Jeff: no seriously I cant have sex every night...[23:40] Jeff: I am too old for that shit[23:41] Jeff: so...one revolving and our deal?[23:41] christine: I'm worth more than that in every way[23:41] christine: lol[23:41] christine: I'm not going to limit you[23:41] Jeff: lol[23:41] christine: But if you think you are assigning me a day of the week then this is done[23:41] christine: lol[23:41] Jeff: lol[23:41] Jeff: you can pick any day...lmao[23:41] christine: Have a nice life :)[23:41] christine: lol[23:42] christine: Good luck finding a new best friend who gets you and has amazing sex with you and lets you fuck other women![23:42] Jeff: I do think we need to try to keep the going out to a routine though[23:42] christine: lol[23:42] Jeff: Sunday nights are bad...lol[23:43] christine: Every night is bad this way[23:43] christine: But hey - if there was a cool movie, concert or event...? [23:44] Jeff: I am going to be working 8-5 M and F at PartsBase, Noon-8 TWT at PartsBase, 8-Noon TWT at Jet Repair Anywhere[23:44] christine: I agree that it would be easier to have a preset day we knew that we could hang out - but how would it work and then you are just assigning me a day again[23:45] Jeff: managing 1 person overseeing 50 and administering all ads for PartsBase...[23:45] christine: A weekend night is ideal, but you have the kids[23:45] Jeff: I know and now the weekday night is going to have to be Mon or Fri so she is going to be pissed but she also is bitching about money and this should help[23:46] Jeff: got the business card changed ...7174 will be Jet Repair anywhere...add a 3rd phone to your belt[23:46] christine: off subject[23:46] Jeff: lol[23:47] Jeff: I need a smoke[23:47] christine: I can always coordinate my work nights (except Tuesdays) [23:47] christine: but you don't have a regular schedule either[23:48] Jeff: I will...when there are no demonstrations for JRA I can go out because I can get a litttle more sleep[23:48] Jeff: every other weekend will be back in August[23:48] christine: What if we left it up in the air but tried to coordinate every other Saturday since Brad always has Taylor overnight?[23:49] christine: Then however busy we get, we know we can hang out then and still sleep in on a Sunday. the rest we just wing like we usually do when we need to[23:49] christine: I don't know.[23:50] Jeff: thats my only weekend night so I would like to be able to do some other things sometimes I think but thats a good start[23:51] christine: Well, then we either don't hang out at all or it goes on like this which is exhausting[23:51] christine: lol[23:51] Jeff: lol[23:52] Jeff: I have 4 days per month to go out and sleep in [23:52] christine: I don't know what to tell you[23:52] Jeff: thats crazy...I need to get the JRA going smooth and then I can sleep in 5 days[23:53] christine: Ok, before I hit bed - are we still thinking we're meeting up Weds to talk business?[23:53] Jeff: yep fo sho[23:53] christine: oy[23:53] christine: I need sleep. Have a good night, homey[23:53] Jeff: lol..peace outSession Close (Jeff): Mon Jun 18 23:53:59 2007 Session Start (christine:Jeff): Mon Jun 18 23:54:06 2007[23:54] christine: Oh....[23:54] christine: btw[23:54] christine: (Link: http://www.swingersdateclub.com)www.swingersdateclub.com/ - we may want to check it out[23:54] christine: Like AFF but swingers only[23:54] christine: I hate that term, btw[23:54] Jeff: what is aff[23:54] christine: ???[23:54] Jeff: I thought it was swingers[23:55] christine: It's everything.[23:55] christine: SDC looks free[23:55] christine: Havent' looked too much yet[23:55] christine: It was linked to Miami Velvet[23:55] Jeff: I am sure they charge [23:55] Jeff: ok you want me to sign up[23:55] christine: Not yet, let me explore it[23:55] Jeff: I think there is a discount to Miami Velvet if you are a member[23:57] Jeff: hey are we full swap same room or full swap completely open...lol[23:57] christine: What do you think?[23:57] Jeff: I think same room at least at first[23:57] christine: hmmmm, hang on[23:58] Jeff: although I know you are a big girl and can take care of yourself so it doesnt matter[23:58] christine: That's a 180 from our talk earlier - be consistent[23:58] Jeff: and based on the options its the same as aff[23:59] Jeff: no once we have gotten to that point you have to make your own decisions on what you want to do...I can voice my opinion on the choice but the actions are your decision[00:00] christine: I'm going to start naming your mulitple personalities[00:00] Jeff: lol[00:00] Jeff: full swap is different from group or FMF[00:00] christine: I know[00:00] christine: I'm not sure about group[00:01] Jeff: that is your fantasy...MFFM[00:01] christine: That's full swap[00:01] Jeff: thats group[00:01] Jeff: full swap is one on one with the others partner[00:01] christine: No, group is FMMFMFMFMFMMFMFMFM[00:01] Jeff: lol[00:01] christine: full swap means FMFM - two couples[00:02] Jeff: or am I completely off the mark[00:02] christine: Yep[00:02] christine: I think full swap appeals because we both have each other with another person so it distributes the pressure, lol[00:02] Jeff: lol[00:02] christine: It could be FMF at one point, FF at another[00:02] christine: Just not MM[00:02] Jeff: ABSOLUTELY[00:03] christine: lol[00:03] christine: MFM[00:03] Jeff: eh[00:03] christine: It's a feel your way thing, I think[00:03] Jeff: never done the MFM thing[00:03] christine: MFM might be you fucking the F with her sucking the M[00:03] christine: While another F is there[00:03] Jeff: of course never done full swap either[00:03] christine: We won't LOOK for a single man, I mean[00:04] christine: He has to be part of a couple[00:04] Jeff: ok...thats cool...would you like that?[00:04] christine: lol[00:04] christine: Um....[00:05] christine: remember when I showed you my 'favorite' thing was using my vibrator while going down on you?[00:05] Jeff: lol...ok got it[00:05] christine: lol[00:05] christine: But it's strictly a feel our way thing, i think[00:05] christine: We'll figure it out[00:05] Jeff: fun learning...[00:05] christine: We'll just go slow. Neither of us wants to fuck it up and end it[00:06] Jeff: true[00:06] Jeff: but there is no shortage of supply...damn[00:06] christine: We'll just tread lightly and carefully. If you start to get carried away, remind yourself that you'll have a fine time replacing me in this scenario[00:06] Jeff: that is another thing I think I am surprised about...and making me feel like we can be more selective

[00:07] christine: So, when I sign on - say "Hi! How are you?" before you say "I found a girl I want to fuck, did you see her???"

[00:07] christine: lol

[00:07] Jeff: glad we are learning on the ugly people though

[00:07] Jeff: lol

[00:08] christine: I signed up for a user name, they email the pw - hasn't arrived yet. User name will be playtime4us no idea about pw[00:08] Jeff: I think its another aff

[00:08] christine: We'll see

[00:08] christine: Just keep cool about it. Let's make sure we do this right

[00:09] christine: Because it would suck if we botch it and can't do it

[00:09] Jeff: I will, I think tonights girl was better than the last 2

[00:09] Jeff: lol

[00:09] christine: Part of the swinger club rules emphasize reassuring your partner and respecting them

[00:09] christine: Watch that one, lol

[00:10] Jeff: lol...reassuring or respecting

[00:10] christine: BOTH

[00:10] Jeff: got the respect thing down I think..the reassuring thing I suck at

[00:10] christine: The day you make me feel like bait will be a bad day for us both

[00:11] Jeff: ok..not great at the respect thing but I am trying

[00:11] christine: You've done ok so far, just be careful

[00:11] Jeff: When I am talking to women for us I make sure they want you as much or more than me

[00:12] Jeff: if she is just looking for m then I dont include you...whether you want to know about it is up to you[

00:12] christine: That's a GREAT start

[00:13] christine: Almost

[00:13] christine: lol

[00:13] christine: Ok - enough. I don't care how good we fuck, I am going to sleep now

[00:13] christine: lol

[00:13] Jeff: lol.good night

It was bound to happen

I've reached a point in my life where I feel secure enough in my thoughts and emotions to take this blog private for awhile.

I know some commenters will think I am hiding, but I am not. I promise. I've heard you all and I know the things you say have truth in them. Even without the entire story (just my side) you do strike chords.

It isn't that I am afraid of who reads or being judged either. I just feel like there are things happening in my life that I need to be able to blog freely about without hesitation.

I will go public again, but while I go through this - I need my time to "think aloud" alone.

I hope you understand. By tomorrow I will go private for a bit. One day when I go public again, you'll have lots of catching up to do since I plan to continue to blog here even privately.

TGIM

Thank God it's Monday.

Bet you never hear that one.

After a hellacious weekend, it ended on a good note and I'm relieved Monday is here.

I saw Jeff for a bit. We met up with another couple for drinks. Jeff was great and as usual, it ended in amazing sex. We seem to be far more open with each other and exploring new things together and in bed it's been nothing short of mind-blowing sex for many hours at a time, leaving us both dazed and limp after.

He did cross the line though.

He seemed to not want to let me go. He seemed to want me to stay, to sleep beside him, to lay in his arms. I think it afected him because I got the call this morning (just now) about boundaries and feelings.

I pointed out that I felt I was doing a great job of keeping him compartmentalized and that the problem may be on HIS end and he agreed. He admitted that he wants to see other people but hinted that he was worried about how he would feel about me being with another man.

We plan to talk more in email. We're both at work and he talks better in text just the same.

So for the time being, I can focus on the sex.

WOW....

I know I bitched about Jeff not being Superman in the sack when we split - and it actually was true, but lately....

Holy crap....

Short of introducing other people into bed, we've done it all and it's gone really, really well. There are things he can physically do to me and with me that I never enjoyed with other people and with him it's fantastic. Things I didn't even know that I liked. We have relaxed enough to talk dirty, to role-play a bit. Sometimes he dominates, sometimes I do. No matter what we try lately, it works too well.

So...of course, he is scared.

And he should be. I can openly admit that I will always love him but can never be with him in an exclusive relationship but he lost the best he's ever going to find when he lost me and I think he's beginning to realize it.

Hence him initiating feelings talks.

I have no pity for him in this area. Jeff never really had a heart to break. If he somehow gets hurt in this process he can deal with it the same way that I had to. Get strong, survive and move on.

I can be with him, love him and enjoy him and still go home and turn it off. It took getting my heart shattered to be able to do it.

There's a small part of me that wouldn't be sorry if he had to go through it too. An eye for an eye.

Drama Queen in Dramaville

So....I went to the party last night

BIG mistake.

The party was thrown by a couple girls we call the "little sisters" because they're younger than we are. We adore them, but let's face it - we know what young girls are like.

Every imaginable scenario of drama unfolded at this party. There were at one point 7 separate circles of screaming matches going on. I was not directly involved in any of them but my friend Jess had a co-starring role in one of them so I was "lumped in". At one point, one of the "little sisters", Kayla, started screaming at me that I "told too much truth" and needed to stop. I kept my cool but I am angry at her.

I text messaged Jeff saying "I kinda wish you were here" and this morning he texted me back about 20 times while I tried to sleep. He asked me to ditch work and go to a concert with him and his kids but I can't make it. I have to work. 3 people already called in and my calling in would go badly.

I think Jeff's displaying a more serious attachment to me with each passing day. I still admit that I love him, but I have no idea where he's going with this. I don't see how we could ever be more than we are right now.

I'm irritated and tired and NOT looking forward to working tonight because more drama is sure to unfold but I guess it's time to head there and face it all.

But I do wish I was with Jeff instead.

TGIF

Jeff was exhausted after work last night and took a nap while I spent time with Taylor. He asked me to call him when she went to bed, but I ended up falling asleep myself. When I called him, we agreed talk another night.

Of course, he then text messaged me at 4:30 am to see if I was awake (knowing I have trouble sleeping) and then called me when I responded that I was. We talked until 5:30 am.

It looks like we're going into business together. There's too much money to be made not to. I told him upfront that I didn't trust him not to cast me aside as a business partner, thus I insisted on being an equity partner. I planned to ask for 20%. He offered 50%.

I will be Vice President and Treasuror of our company. He will be President and Secretary. We plan to incorporate next week.

I have to work tonight but after work there's a party I am supposed to attend...a party where my young line cook will be coming to see me. I really hope it's fun. I really hope the flirtation heats up a bit more.

I love Jeff. I always will. I wish with all of my heart that we could just be together and in love for the rest of our lives. I still believe he is "the one". But...I also know better...

I know we can't be together. I know he can't love me the way I need to be loved. I know that as a couple, we just don't work. Or didn't.

But I do love him.

Still, some of the things he's said have made me think. He talks about how one day I will move on and find someone. He says it in this sort of strange way...almost like he wants to mean it, but really hopes I will respond with "no, I won't" or something. Based on his frequency of communication these days, I think it's pretty clear that Jeff has strong feelings for me too.

So, I can't help but wonder how he will feel when I do find someone that I decide to be with. Granted I don't feel like I want that now, but it can always sneak up on you.

How will Jeff cope when I am too busy to be there for him? When I am smiling because another man has made me smile? When I can't see him because the man in my life wouldn't like it?

I don't think he will cope well, to be honest. He's never really "lost" me so he has no idea...he's always known I love him and I've always been there. But the way our lives are set up, it is a fair bet I won't always be there.

I know I am a great girl. I am reasonably attractive, fun, smart and dynamite in bed (others words, not mine) - I would be a great catch and someday, someone will come along that makes me happy and I will fall for them.

I don't think I will ever love someone with the intensity and strength that I feel for Jeff, but being able to be with them will make up for that. It will be enough.

And how will Jeff react?

Ironically, I found myself watching the old movie Xanadu and heard a song that made me think I know...

Don't Walk Away

Why do I say
Don't walk away?
You'll be the way you were before
When you don't want me anymore...

Don't turn around...
Don't ever leave...
A lonely room where empty days
Are gathering to meet me when you're gone, gone

How in the world will I go on?

(Don't walk away)
All you gotta do is stay
(Don't walk away)
All you gotta do is stay
(Don't walk away)

Don't walk away
Don't say goodbye (don't say goodbye)
Don't turn around (don't turn around)
Don't let it die (don't let it die)
When shadows fall (when shadows fall)
When day is done (when day is done)
All through the night (all through the night)
All of my life (all of my life)
Don't walk away

Is it a dream,
When will it end
When everything we've ever known
Has ended and I'm all alone
Where will I go
Where will I be
The feelings that I've never shown
Maybe I'll find the answer when you're gone, gone
How in the world will I go on?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It makes me sad because part of me knows that he needs me. He shows me that in every way without saying it. I know that he loves me even if he doesn't know it. I think that if the day actually comes when I get involved with someone else and can't be there for him anymore - I think he will finally feel the pain he's managed to elude for so long.

I do wish we could just be together. But it would take a damned miracle and he's not capable of producing them.

So I do give him all I can for right now - but I also see other people and I keep my eyes open for new "friends". Tonight is a perfect example. For all I know things might get heated up and sexy with Chris. For all I know, there's an amazing guy just around the corner who's going to knock me off of my feet.

And the ability to be with me will more than make up for the fact that the love isn't as intense or as deep for me.

And Jeff finally will be alone. Because I can still be a business partner and keep it professional. I've worked my entire life with friends and family and I know how to separate the two VERY well.

What would it be like to have an office where we exist as partners, but he watches me race for the door all excited about seeing a new man that night? When he sees me go off to lunch with someone who makes my eyes sparkle?

Someday it will happen. And no matter how much I feel sad - bittersweet - for it or how much I worry - it will happen.

Embraced

If there was one word I could think of to describe how I feel these days it would be "embraced".

I have embraced my life.

I have friends, I have flirtations, I have a lover and I have my freedom. I have no one but myself to answer to.

I'm beginning to really like it.

Jess and I have become very close friends. We are on the phone 500 times a day, including many 4 am calls. My co-workers have begun calling us "the wives" because we appear to be practically married. We embrace the joking and have nicknamed each other "wifey".

Jeff and I are doing well. He remains in almost constant contact with me. I kidded him last night about how ironic it is that we're closer now and work better now than we did as a committed couple. He broke up with the other girl he was seeing last night and came straight to my place - but I encourage him to see other people and have made sure he knows that I intend to. We had a semi-serious IM conversation yesterday where he suggested that we were on the same page about not wanting a relationship but that one day when I was ready I would move on. I told him that it wasn't about being "ready" - I genuinely like my freedom and don't want to date.

He wrote back "If I did that to you, I'm sorry"

I told him not to be sorry for me. Be sorry for the men I won't settle down with.

It's true that I have changed a lot since we split. More and more every day. I no longer fear what people think of me - I am proud to live my life my way. I have only my own expectations to meet. I'm not worried about pleasing anyone - I just want to have fun, be a good mom and keep my life running smoothly. I feel sexually liberated and love the idea that I can explore myself and my life without the confines of relationships.

Jess and I seem to have parallel situations with our exes these days. She is desperately trying to get back together with her ex while I see Jeff. The difference being that she is chasing a goal of reuniting and I feel like I have already gotten all I want from Jeff. I want nothing more than what I already have. I don't want anything more than the communication we have now, the occasional hanging out and the sexual olympics we tend to resort to. This is the pinnacle of him and I.

Oddly, Jeff and I really are closer than ever before. Under the friends umbrella, we can talk more openly and it has made for some incredible sex. We're more relaxed together and without the expectations and relationship rules we seem to actually be far more compatable. He's still very protective of me but it's actually nicer like this.

I'm off to work tonight after a brief day off...and I really wish I could stay home and sleep instead.

And hey - who says that wishes don't come true? I just checked and apparently I am OFF tonight. My mistake! I am so totally shunning my social life and sleeping!!!!! I saw Jeff Sunday, Monday and Wednesday and I saw my girlfriend Jess Tuesday and last night - so I am very much due for a night off. Tomorrow night I am invited to a party (Taylor will be with Brad) and Chris - the sexy 22 year old cook at work is planning to attend. I am hopeful I can bring it up a notch with him. The flirting was so heavy Monday night that at the end of the night my manager yelled at us both "Just fuck and get it over with!" I was mortified and amused all in one. He was waiting for me to get off to hang out for a few minutes. I think he was going to suggest something but lost his nerve.

Suffice it to say - my life is full. I wouldn't mind more money, but I am content that I have everything else I need. I have tons of attention - which I always crave - from everyone from Jeff to my friends to strangers.

I am most definitely NOT lonely. I am, however, quite tired.

It's a big change.

Even my mother tried to call me yesterday. Since she hasn't called me in months or returned my calls, I ignored the call and I have no intention of calling back. She abandoned me and she can deal with it because I am over it. When I needed her, she was nowhere to be found. As far as I am concerned, I am an orphan.

***Updated: I guess Jeff's coming over later tonight after all. I mentioned how glad I was to be off and he said he'd like to come over but doubted he could perform like he did last night. I told him I wasn't even going to suggest it and that I planned to spend my night with a home cooked meal and a movie. He replied that he'd be there. ??? I have to admit to being surprised at the amount of time he seems inclined to spend with me these days...I don't think he wanted to be with me this much when we were a couple...

I do enjoy our time together. It's not all sex or cuddling or hand holding - we're like two friends most of the time. We have the freedom now to talk about anything we want to. We really don't even kiss unless we're about to have sex or a quick kiss goodnight.

I won't lie. I still love him but I actually do like this better. I told him I even like him better this way because all of the bullshit is out of the way.

That Hesitant Smile

I'm smiling today.

Listen, I know...

I know I've been ripped apart and destroyed. I know I deserve better than Jeff. I know everyone is wanting to slap some common sense into my head.

We broke up over 7 months ago. You know I have not healed. I've gotten stronger in some ways. more mature in others and I have changed as a person - but I have never been able to stop loving him.

You know I have wanted to. You know I have been filled with rage and fury and deep depressions.

I blog my feelings here so it's easy to view me as this trainwreck of a person. But I don't blog about how I wipe away the tears I've cried when no one can see me and plaster a smile on my face and hold myself together. I'm a good mom, a good person, a good employee and a good friend. But when I am alone and free to confront how I feel - I've cried oceans.

I hate knowing that this blog reads like I am such a mess. Inside, I know it's true but I also know that none of you see me sit and play with my daughter, comfort a friend, clean my house or roll up my sleeves and work hard.

I've shared a lot of secrets here. Particularly about Jeff. But I can honestly and truly say that besides disappointing me or breaking my heart (again) - Jeff is not a threat to me. On the contrary, he's actually EXTREMELY protective over me. He reserves the right to tease me and fight with me as much as he needs to, but if someone else upsets me or laughs AT me, he hates it.

Last night I did something stupid. We bought advance tickets to a movie before dinner and I threw them in the ashtray and one ticket slipped behind the ashtray and into the dashboard of the truck. It would have taken a mechanic to dismantle the dash to retrieve it. Jeff was beside himself laughing at me and calling me a dumbass playfully but when I told my story to the girl at the ticket counter and she laughed, he was instantly protective and didn't want them to laugh at me.

He would never let harm come to me. He would never harm me - beyond emotionally, of course. If I were in mortal danger, he would be there. If someone else hurt me, he'd be ready to defend.

I'm smiling today because I am realizing that there is more here. We spend time together and it varies from casual dinners or movies or dancing or just 'hanging out' but I have worked to keep my emotions hidden. He knows that I love him but he also knows I don't want to live with him and I don't want to be in a relationship with him.

I have wondered if he feels anything for me or if he uses me. I think I am beginning to see that he has feelings of his own that he hides too. It's in the way he calls me to see how I am. In the way he works to make sure he can see me. In the way he lets small things slip - a song that makes him think of me that he tells me about, claiming my butterfly tattoo as his and when I protest he insists on it - it's in the way he wants to work with me in a business.

There are many nights I whisper I love you before I fall asleep alone. He can't hear it, but I need to say it.

In our committed relationship, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't trust him, I was always afraid he'd cheat or not love me enough.

In this aspect of our relationship I am content to let him come to me. I am not insecure or afraid. Each time he calls me, emails, IMs or texts it's because he wants to and not because he has to.

The best of what he can offer to anyone, I have. It might not be enough for most, but for me it's making me smile. I love him. I don't know what he feels for me, but I know he feels something.

And for right now, it's enough.

Sure, I wish it could be different - but it can't. I have no idea what the future holds...if this will endure or if I will eventually move on and fall in love with someone else.

It's not an ideal situation. It's a dangerous line to walk.

But I love him and I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I've fought like a hellcat for love in the past and I've never been able to accept the concept of giving up on love.

So, here I am. Changed, sure. I have an inability to let people close to me and I have a million defense mechanisms...but the one man who can get around them all and still make my pulse race is still in my heart.

I once promised him that I would love him forever. I promised him for better or worse. I promised him my heart and soul and I suppose it's ironic that this is the promise I keep in my life - but somehow it seems to be.

I do manage to keep him separate from the rest of my life. Taylor and he NEVER cross paths and I NEVER spend time with him when I could be with her instead. I am with him when Taylor is with her dad or when she is elsewhere. If I have him over, it's long after she's in bed (and she never wakes up in the middle of the night).

I work hard to maintain and still indulge. Don't crucify me for it. I work hard, I don't do drugs, I am responsible and goal oriented and if my flaw is that I love a man who doesn't deserve my love, then I could do worse.

I deserve to smile. If it's him that helps make me smile - I'm willing to let him try.

The Weekend Ends

Monday finds me once again. I can hardly complain - these days all of the days of the week just seem to blur together.

Friday night was "girls night" for Taylor and I. We cooked, watched movies and just relaxed together. Saturday had me bid her adieu as she set off for her weekend with Brad. I spent Saturday pretty much working. After work, I went to a local Country-Western bar called Round-Up with friends from work and had a blast.

In attendance was Jess, John, Amanda and Sara.

Jess is my closest friend. She's 22, but very mature and somehow we just click. We've become inseperable and barely an hour passes that we aren't on the phone or texting each other. At work, they've begun to kid us about it. "Where's your wife?" "Getting serious, huh?" Jess is the best friend I have had in a long time and I'm really thrilled to have her.

John is great. Months ago I used to post about flirting with him at work. He's older than I am. We've been growing a great friendship too. Jess and I drag him out often as our asexual male. We force him to dance with us. At work, John is always there to tease or inspire me.

Sara is Jess's best friend and another co-worker of ours. Sara and I get along well, but I sometimes feel like "the other woman". LOL.

Amanda is still another co-worker that I enjoy.

The Cop that I went on a date with was working detail at the nightclub that night and we chatted for a bit. He kept his eye on me when I slow danced and two-stepped with John. He seemed annoyed, but John is JUST a friend..

Before I arrived, Jeff text messaged me and I got the idea he wanted to hang out, but I stayed true to my friends and managed to not blow them off. I'm pretty sure that would have been punishable by death with them.

Sunday was the best. I was off. Taylor and Brad had all day plans, so I found myself alone. I slept in, grocery shopped, cleaned my house from top to bottom and then went off to my plans with Jeff. Jeff and I went to dinner and a movie before settling in to watch The Sopranos finale (NOT even going to comment on that suck-ass ending).

Our time together was fun. It's funny that we spend most of it as friends with no hand-holding or anything. It seems like we both make it a point to remain casual but I feel like there is this imagined anxiety over it. Later, it's easier to curl up to watch TV or to snuggle up. It seems natural and easy (though we all know it's not).

I had a really long talk with Jess VERY late last night and I found myself crying. Not necessarily in sadness but in frustration. I'm trapped and probably always will be in a mutually co-dependent relationship. Jess observed that I don't let other men get too close to me and felt that it was because I am too invested in Jeff. She's right.

Jeff seems different with me these days. He calls me, texts, IMs, emails and more. He's always ready to see me and I find myself surprised at how often I do end up talking to him. He seems more appreciative of me these days.

The trouble is that I still can not imagine a life that does not include him. And that I still feel like I must ALWAYS be available to him to keep him "alive". I know how depressed he can get and his suicide talk is a constant. I am deeply afraid that if I am not there for him at some point, he would do it. Neither of us lets the other go.

After Jeff left last night, I sent him an email. He seemed tense and I asked him about it. In a numbered email I spelled out my midde of the night thoughts. (1) Was he okay? (2) Bitching about the Sopranos again (3) He forgot something here (4) A reminder to stay focused at work and (5) - here, I simply wrote "#5 can go unsaid". What I meant was "I love you".

I do love him. I'm sorry that I do, but it's still the truth. I'm sorry to you, I'm sorry to my friends who have to deal with me alternating between happy and sad, I'm sorry to my family who can't bear to hear his name because they feel like he betrayed them too, I'm sorry to the world but I do love him. Mostly I am sorry to me and to him. Sorry because loving him is difficult and painful. Sorry because it's a love that can never be given freely. If there was ever a doubt about choosing who you can love, I can assure you that it's possible to be in love with a mortal enemy. I can choose NOT to try to be "together" and I can choose how to deal with this love, but loving him is not a choice. It never has been, you only ever have to read my blog to see I was madly in love with him all along.

He wrote me back this morning, answering to each point. In #5 he wrote "Ditto". I wondered if he meant that he feels it too or something else. I suspect he feels it too but I doubt we'll ever have the luxury of discussing or acknowledging it. We both work hard to limit our interaction.

There's a long week ahead and I never know just where it will take me.

The Girl Feels Strange

I could tell you what happened last night...



But you would not believe me. You really wouldn't.



Of course, I could tell you that Jeff called me and asked me to go with him to meet a bisexual woman that wanted to play. I could tell you that she was attracted to me...I could tell you that she spent about an hour massaging my sore neck with my shirt off.


I could also tell you I played cards until 4 am using Centrum Silver vitamins to bet with.


Would you wonder which was true?


I still see and speak to Jeff. In fact, to be honest it seems to be increasing. I keep my time with him STRICTLY separate from my life as a single mother. I do not speak to him in front of my daughter. I do not spend time with him in her presence. I completely and 100% agree with EVERY concern that ANY person has about my daughter bearing witness to any dealings with Jeff and I share them. As a rule, neither Jeff nor myself ever puts our children into our time together and both of us keep the children as a priority.


There are some who seem to think I blog more about Jeff than my daughter. I love my time with Taylor but writing in my blog diary about a night spent eating Chinese take-out and giggling together over a Simpsons marathon isn't really required. There is rarely any drama with her and I. To me, to her and to everyone who sees us together - we really are very much the "Gilmore Girls".


But I do have a life outside the mommy box. Social things I do when she is not with me. I keep her carefully unaware of them.


Having said that, I see no reason not to continue to freely blog about the other parts of my life here. Further, I won't be playing the endless game of defending myself in comments to people who have a very small idea of what my life is like because I wouldn't have any time for anything else if I did. You're just going to have to take me at my word when I tell you that Taylor and Jeff NEVER cross paths and NEVER will and that I NEVER sacrifice time with her to be with him. It's fact. Take it or leave it. If you can't believe that, then this entire blog should be a work of fiction to you and bitching about your feelings on my choices and decisions is a waste of time.


So, back to that.


A few drinks inspired a conversation that might not otherwise have been had. I've veered wildly over the past 2 years in my feelings for Jeff but I think that we would have to agree that in all honesty - I have never been anything but madly in love with him. I don't know why. I don't know what it is. I don't know how it fits into a normal world, but I do have some basic understandings that he seems to agree with.


Jeff and I are soul mates. I still do and always have believed this. We can talk like best friends, we can share everything. What we can NOT do is be together in a normal committed relationship. Jeff can not be faithful. Expecting him to is unrealistic for any woman.

When Jeff and I were a couple, you only have to read my past to see I was the most insecure girlfriend in the world. I spent my energy obsessing about whether he would cheat, if he loved me, if I would lose him and more. Strangely - with that tension removed, I am more secure than ever with him. He can see a million women, I know I am the alpha female. I know he spends his time with me by choice and not obligation - so I stop worrying about how he feels. he does not need to tell me how he feels about me because I feel it in his friendship, his kiss, his desire to see me or talk to me. He wants to start a new business and wants me to be a part of it - so even there, I feel the things I used to lack - I feel desired, wanted, needed and appreciated.


Why? Because the "obligation" has been eliminated. He does not HAVE to ever be near me or speak to me. Each time he does - it's a freely made choice.


I told him I don't care about other women. I see other men. Both are true. Women come and go in Jeff's life. The ones that last for more than a few days end up being lied to and eventually they disappear. I am thus far, the only constant.


Jeff used to crave acceptance. He knows he comes with many personality disorders and flaws and never expected anyone to accept him and love him. That I do is something he seems to cherish. I think it's why he comes back again and again.


We'll never be "a couple". We will never marry or live together or pick out china. We may be lovers, friends, business partners - we may be more undefinable things - but whatever we are or will be is mysterious to us both.


We don't discuss feelings. We don't make promises. Beyond that, we have an ability to share every other thought because there are no defined boundaries.


I don't know what we are - I just know that somehow, we're together from time to time and I know that it makes me happy from time to time.

I haven't been able to stop loving him so far...

Silly Girl

If you walk the tightrope long enough, you're bound to fall at some point. If you're very lucky, you have a net.

I think I fell. I'm lying here motionless, afraid to move - afraid to find out whats been broken this time. I know I hurt, I'm just afraid to stop long enough to ask myself how badly and whether or not I can get back on the rope or if I need to call it quits.

More on that later.

My drama level went to red last night and was at a shockingly high level that even I was amazed by. the fact that I survived is astonishing.

I was almost off work. Brad was at my house, dropping Taylor off and hanging out. Chris was flirting with me again. Jeff was on his way to my house to have dinner with me. Steve - the husband of my FORMER best friend Mindy showed up at my work (after no communication for over a year) and said he had left his wife and needed a place to sleep. Now, take into account this - all 3 men don't like each other. Jeff and Steve hate each other. Brad and Jeff hate each other. Steve and Brad get on okay, but Brad spends a lot of time with Steve's wife Mindy.

Oy...wow.

More on how I managed this night later. I spent a whole day sulking and now I have to get ready for work. Suffice it to say I got almost no sleep, but did manage to pacify everyone.

Except maybe myself.

Myself, I find myself falling off that tightrope.

Knocked Up

I saw Knocked Up with my friends last night and it made me more physically ill than a slasher flick.

Because....fuck.

If Katherine Heigl (the stunningly beautiful blonde from Grey's Anatomy) can fall that far than there's no hope.

Katherine plays Allison. A gorgeous E! employee promoted to on-camera talent. To celebrate her promotion, she goes out with her sister, Debbie (who I adored) and immediately picks up the ugliest guy in the place. She spends the night dancing with him, drinking and then invites him home to have sex with him.

He's overweight, hairy, sloppy, stupid and - well....gross.

Of course she turns up pregnant - but what baffled the hell out of me was her decision to try to make it work with this guy. He has NO job. NO money. Spends every minute of the day with his loser friends getting VERY high. He has NO ambition, NO social charms, NO hygiene - he has nothing....

At 8 months pregnant, in a MAJOR earthquake - he abandons her as he runs out the door with his bong leaving her to stumble behind him stupidly.

There is humor, but it's all the tasteless kind. Basically, I spent the entire length of the movie with a "What the fuck?!" look on my face and feeling queasy.

I've heard of dating down, but this is more than down. This is dating outside your species.

And if this is what's out there for a single girl - - - I swear I'm turning lesbian.

Maybe Katherine Heigl's free.

Drama Queen in Wonderland

Jeff was understanding about my email. I wonder if I wasn't a little disappointed in that.

My girl gathering last night was a lot of fun. We chatted and ate crap and drank and laughed. After the rest left, Jess hung out and we watched a movie together.

Jeff texted to make sure I was ok and left instructions for the girls to "take care of me".

I'm perplexed by this new game.

I know he's seeing someone, but he calls me often to talk. He emails me. Tonight he emailed me a picture of a cartoon woman cutting off a man's head that he titled "Christine in the Future".

He made plans to spend his 40th birthday with me next year. Well, technically the day after. He always says he never thinks he will live past 40, so I told him I'd rather see him the day after. The man who refuses to make plans with any girl more than a few days in advance is planning 419 days ahead with me.

He's more attentive now. He seems to really get into talking to me. He's always IMing or emailing or calling and he sounds happy to talk to me. He asks to see me sometimes (less since my email). He's...what???

In a very weird way, we're as close again as we were when we were together. Only with a pseudo-girlfriend in the mix and living apart and not sharing "I love yous"

The weird thing is - NOW I feel loved by him. Like letting him go is keeping him around.

I have no idea. I'm still keeping a distance between us.

When Jess and I commiserate, I feel just a bit sad. Jeff's a dead end for me. There is no future there. Still...he's there.

He keeps joking about us getting matching tattoos Emperor and Empress Evil, he calls us. He's...bonding.

It's very weird.

It makes me want a distraction more than ever.

I'm catching a late movie with the girls tonight. I work the rest of the weekend. I was also invited to hang out Sunday night.

I just need a sexy man to distract me. I'm watching my step. Maybe that's the game. Maybe he wants to see if he can make me fall in love again.

He'd be wrong. I may play, but I know this game...