Embraced

If there was one word I could think of to describe how I feel these days it would be "embraced".

I have embraced my life.

I have friends, I have flirtations, I have a lover and I have my freedom. I have no one but myself to answer to.

I'm beginning to really like it.

Jess and I have become very close friends. We are on the phone 500 times a day, including many 4 am calls. My co-workers have begun calling us "the wives" because we appear to be practically married. We embrace the joking and have nicknamed each other "wifey".

Jeff and I are doing well. He remains in almost constant contact with me. I kidded him last night about how ironic it is that we're closer now and work better now than we did as a committed couple. He broke up with the other girl he was seeing last night and came straight to my place - but I encourage him to see other people and have made sure he knows that I intend to. We had a semi-serious IM conversation yesterday where he suggested that we were on the same page about not wanting a relationship but that one day when I was ready I would move on. I told him that it wasn't about being "ready" - I genuinely like my freedom and don't want to date.

He wrote back "If I did that to you, I'm sorry"

I told him not to be sorry for me. Be sorry for the men I won't settle down with.

It's true that I have changed a lot since we split. More and more every day. I no longer fear what people think of me - I am proud to live my life my way. I have only my own expectations to meet. I'm not worried about pleasing anyone - I just want to have fun, be a good mom and keep my life running smoothly. I feel sexually liberated and love the idea that I can explore myself and my life without the confines of relationships.

Jess and I seem to have parallel situations with our exes these days. She is desperately trying to get back together with her ex while I see Jeff. The difference being that she is chasing a goal of reuniting and I feel like I have already gotten all I want from Jeff. I want nothing more than what I already have. I don't want anything more than the communication we have now, the occasional hanging out and the sexual olympics we tend to resort to. This is the pinnacle of him and I.

Oddly, Jeff and I really are closer than ever before. Under the friends umbrella, we can talk more openly and it has made for some incredible sex. We're more relaxed together and without the expectations and relationship rules we seem to actually be far more compatable. He's still very protective of me but it's actually nicer like this.

I'm off to work tonight after a brief day off...and I really wish I could stay home and sleep instead.

And hey - who says that wishes don't come true? I just checked and apparently I am OFF tonight. My mistake! I am so totally shunning my social life and sleeping!!!!! I saw Jeff Sunday, Monday and Wednesday and I saw my girlfriend Jess Tuesday and last night - so I am very much due for a night off. Tomorrow night I am invited to a party (Taylor will be with Brad) and Chris - the sexy 22 year old cook at work is planning to attend. I am hopeful I can bring it up a notch with him. The flirting was so heavy Monday night that at the end of the night my manager yelled at us both "Just fuck and get it over with!" I was mortified and amused all in one. He was waiting for me to get off to hang out for a few minutes. I think he was going to suggest something but lost his nerve.

Suffice it to say - my life is full. I wouldn't mind more money, but I am content that I have everything else I need. I have tons of attention - which I always crave - from everyone from Jeff to my friends to strangers.

I am most definitely NOT lonely. I am, however, quite tired.

It's a big change.

Even my mother tried to call me yesterday. Since she hasn't called me in months or returned my calls, I ignored the call and I have no intention of calling back. She abandoned me and she can deal with it because I am over it. When I needed her, she was nowhere to be found. As far as I am concerned, I am an orphan.

***Updated: I guess Jeff's coming over later tonight after all. I mentioned how glad I was to be off and he said he'd like to come over but doubted he could perform like he did last night. I told him I wasn't even going to suggest it and that I planned to spend my night with a home cooked meal and a movie. He replied that he'd be there. ??? I have to admit to being surprised at the amount of time he seems inclined to spend with me these days...I don't think he wanted to be with me this much when we were a couple...

I do enjoy our time together. It's not all sex or cuddling or hand holding - we're like two friends most of the time. We have the freedom now to talk about anything we want to. We really don't even kiss unless we're about to have sex or a quick kiss goodnight.

I won't lie. I still love him but I actually do like this better. I told him I even like him better this way because all of the bullshit is out of the way.