The Girl Feels Strange

I could tell you what happened last night...



But you would not believe me. You really wouldn't.



Of course, I could tell you that Jeff called me and asked me to go with him to meet a bisexual woman that wanted to play. I could tell you that she was attracted to me...I could tell you that she spent about an hour massaging my sore neck with my shirt off.


I could also tell you I played cards until 4 am using Centrum Silver vitamins to bet with.


Would you wonder which was true?


I still see and speak to Jeff. In fact, to be honest it seems to be increasing. I keep my time with him STRICTLY separate from my life as a single mother. I do not speak to him in front of my daughter. I do not spend time with him in her presence. I completely and 100% agree with EVERY concern that ANY person has about my daughter bearing witness to any dealings with Jeff and I share them. As a rule, neither Jeff nor myself ever puts our children into our time together and both of us keep the children as a priority.


There are some who seem to think I blog more about Jeff than my daughter. I love my time with Taylor but writing in my blog diary about a night spent eating Chinese take-out and giggling together over a Simpsons marathon isn't really required. There is rarely any drama with her and I. To me, to her and to everyone who sees us together - we really are very much the "Gilmore Girls".


But I do have a life outside the mommy box. Social things I do when she is not with me. I keep her carefully unaware of them.


Having said that, I see no reason not to continue to freely blog about the other parts of my life here. Further, I won't be playing the endless game of defending myself in comments to people who have a very small idea of what my life is like because I wouldn't have any time for anything else if I did. You're just going to have to take me at my word when I tell you that Taylor and Jeff NEVER cross paths and NEVER will and that I NEVER sacrifice time with her to be with him. It's fact. Take it or leave it. If you can't believe that, then this entire blog should be a work of fiction to you and bitching about your feelings on my choices and decisions is a waste of time.


So, back to that.


A few drinks inspired a conversation that might not otherwise have been had. I've veered wildly over the past 2 years in my feelings for Jeff but I think that we would have to agree that in all honesty - I have never been anything but madly in love with him. I don't know why. I don't know what it is. I don't know how it fits into a normal world, but I do have some basic understandings that he seems to agree with.


Jeff and I are soul mates. I still do and always have believed this. We can talk like best friends, we can share everything. What we can NOT do is be together in a normal committed relationship. Jeff can not be faithful. Expecting him to is unrealistic for any woman.

When Jeff and I were a couple, you only have to read my past to see I was the most insecure girlfriend in the world. I spent my energy obsessing about whether he would cheat, if he loved me, if I would lose him and more. Strangely - with that tension removed, I am more secure than ever with him. He can see a million women, I know I am the alpha female. I know he spends his time with me by choice and not obligation - so I stop worrying about how he feels. he does not need to tell me how he feels about me because I feel it in his friendship, his kiss, his desire to see me or talk to me. He wants to start a new business and wants me to be a part of it - so even there, I feel the things I used to lack - I feel desired, wanted, needed and appreciated.


Why? Because the "obligation" has been eliminated. He does not HAVE to ever be near me or speak to me. Each time he does - it's a freely made choice.


I told him I don't care about other women. I see other men. Both are true. Women come and go in Jeff's life. The ones that last for more than a few days end up being lied to and eventually they disappear. I am thus far, the only constant.


Jeff used to crave acceptance. He knows he comes with many personality disorders and flaws and never expected anyone to accept him and love him. That I do is something he seems to cherish. I think it's why he comes back again and again.


We'll never be "a couple". We will never marry or live together or pick out china. We may be lovers, friends, business partners - we may be more undefinable things - but whatever we are or will be is mysterious to us both.


We don't discuss feelings. We don't make promises. Beyond that, we have an ability to share every other thought because there are no defined boundaries.


I don't know what we are - I just know that somehow, we're together from time to time and I know that it makes me happy from time to time.

I haven't been able to stop loving him so far...