That Hesitant Smile

I'm smiling today.

Listen, I know...

I know I've been ripped apart and destroyed. I know I deserve better than Jeff. I know everyone is wanting to slap some common sense into my head.

We broke up over 7 months ago. You know I have not healed. I've gotten stronger in some ways. more mature in others and I have changed as a person - but I have never been able to stop loving him.

You know I have wanted to. You know I have been filled with rage and fury and deep depressions.

I blog my feelings here so it's easy to view me as this trainwreck of a person. But I don't blog about how I wipe away the tears I've cried when no one can see me and plaster a smile on my face and hold myself together. I'm a good mom, a good person, a good employee and a good friend. But when I am alone and free to confront how I feel - I've cried oceans.

I hate knowing that this blog reads like I am such a mess. Inside, I know it's true but I also know that none of you see me sit and play with my daughter, comfort a friend, clean my house or roll up my sleeves and work hard.

I've shared a lot of secrets here. Particularly about Jeff. But I can honestly and truly say that besides disappointing me or breaking my heart (again) - Jeff is not a threat to me. On the contrary, he's actually EXTREMELY protective over me. He reserves the right to tease me and fight with me as much as he needs to, but if someone else upsets me or laughs AT me, he hates it.

Last night I did something stupid. We bought advance tickets to a movie before dinner and I threw them in the ashtray and one ticket slipped behind the ashtray and into the dashboard of the truck. It would have taken a mechanic to dismantle the dash to retrieve it. Jeff was beside himself laughing at me and calling me a dumbass playfully but when I told my story to the girl at the ticket counter and she laughed, he was instantly protective and didn't want them to laugh at me.

He would never let harm come to me. He would never harm me - beyond emotionally, of course. If I were in mortal danger, he would be there. If someone else hurt me, he'd be ready to defend.

I'm smiling today because I am realizing that there is more here. We spend time together and it varies from casual dinners or movies or dancing or just 'hanging out' but I have worked to keep my emotions hidden. He knows that I love him but he also knows I don't want to live with him and I don't want to be in a relationship with him.

I have wondered if he feels anything for me or if he uses me. I think I am beginning to see that he has feelings of his own that he hides too. It's in the way he calls me to see how I am. In the way he works to make sure he can see me. In the way he lets small things slip - a song that makes him think of me that he tells me about, claiming my butterfly tattoo as his and when I protest he insists on it - it's in the way he wants to work with me in a business.

There are many nights I whisper I love you before I fall asleep alone. He can't hear it, but I need to say it.

In our committed relationship, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't trust him, I was always afraid he'd cheat or not love me enough.

In this aspect of our relationship I am content to let him come to me. I am not insecure or afraid. Each time he calls me, emails, IMs or texts it's because he wants to and not because he has to.

The best of what he can offer to anyone, I have. It might not be enough for most, but for me it's making me smile. I love him. I don't know what he feels for me, but I know he feels something.

And for right now, it's enough.

Sure, I wish it could be different - but it can't. I have no idea what the future holds...if this will endure or if I will eventually move on and fall in love with someone else.

It's not an ideal situation. It's a dangerous line to walk.

But I love him and I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I've fought like a hellcat for love in the past and I've never been able to accept the concept of giving up on love.

So, here I am. Changed, sure. I have an inability to let people close to me and I have a million defense mechanisms...but the one man who can get around them all and still make my pulse race is still in my heart.

I once promised him that I would love him forever. I promised him for better or worse. I promised him my heart and soul and I suppose it's ironic that this is the promise I keep in my life - but somehow it seems to be.

I do manage to keep him separate from the rest of my life. Taylor and he NEVER cross paths and I NEVER spend time with him when I could be with her instead. I am with him when Taylor is with her dad or when she is elsewhere. If I have him over, it's long after she's in bed (and she never wakes up in the middle of the night).

I work hard to maintain and still indulge. Don't crucify me for it. I work hard, I don't do drugs, I am responsible and goal oriented and if my flaw is that I love a man who doesn't deserve my love, then I could do worse.

I deserve to smile. If it's him that helps make me smile - I'm willing to let him try.