The Weekend Ends

Monday finds me once again. I can hardly complain - these days all of the days of the week just seem to blur together.

Friday night was "girls night" for Taylor and I. We cooked, watched movies and just relaxed together. Saturday had me bid her adieu as she set off for her weekend with Brad. I spent Saturday pretty much working. After work, I went to a local Country-Western bar called Round-Up with friends from work and had a blast.

In attendance was Jess, John, Amanda and Sara.

Jess is my closest friend. She's 22, but very mature and somehow we just click. We've become inseperable and barely an hour passes that we aren't on the phone or texting each other. At work, they've begun to kid us about it. "Where's your wife?" "Getting serious, huh?" Jess is the best friend I have had in a long time and I'm really thrilled to have her.

John is great. Months ago I used to post about flirting with him at work. He's older than I am. We've been growing a great friendship too. Jess and I drag him out often as our asexual male. We force him to dance with us. At work, John is always there to tease or inspire me.

Sara is Jess's best friend and another co-worker of ours. Sara and I get along well, but I sometimes feel like "the other woman". LOL.

Amanda is still another co-worker that I enjoy.

The Cop that I went on a date with was working detail at the nightclub that night and we chatted for a bit. He kept his eye on me when I slow danced and two-stepped with John. He seemed annoyed, but John is JUST a friend..

Before I arrived, Jeff text messaged me and I got the idea he wanted to hang out, but I stayed true to my friends and managed to not blow them off. I'm pretty sure that would have been punishable by death with them.

Sunday was the best. I was off. Taylor and Brad had all day plans, so I found myself alone. I slept in, grocery shopped, cleaned my house from top to bottom and then went off to my plans with Jeff. Jeff and I went to dinner and a movie before settling in to watch The Sopranos finale (NOT even going to comment on that suck-ass ending).

Our time together was fun. It's funny that we spend most of it as friends with no hand-holding or anything. It seems like we both make it a point to remain casual but I feel like there is this imagined anxiety over it. Later, it's easier to curl up to watch TV or to snuggle up. It seems natural and easy (though we all know it's not).

I had a really long talk with Jess VERY late last night and I found myself crying. Not necessarily in sadness but in frustration. I'm trapped and probably always will be in a mutually co-dependent relationship. Jess observed that I don't let other men get too close to me and felt that it was because I am too invested in Jeff. She's right.

Jeff seems different with me these days. He calls me, texts, IMs, emails and more. He's always ready to see me and I find myself surprised at how often I do end up talking to him. He seems more appreciative of me these days.

The trouble is that I still can not imagine a life that does not include him. And that I still feel like I must ALWAYS be available to him to keep him "alive". I know how depressed he can get and his suicide talk is a constant. I am deeply afraid that if I am not there for him at some point, he would do it. Neither of us lets the other go.

After Jeff left last night, I sent him an email. He seemed tense and I asked him about it. In a numbered email I spelled out my midde of the night thoughts. (1) Was he okay? (2) Bitching about the Sopranos again (3) He forgot something here (4) A reminder to stay focused at work and (5) - here, I simply wrote "#5 can go unsaid". What I meant was "I love you".

I do love him. I'm sorry that I do, but it's still the truth. I'm sorry to you, I'm sorry to my friends who have to deal with me alternating between happy and sad, I'm sorry to my family who can't bear to hear his name because they feel like he betrayed them too, I'm sorry to the world but I do love him. Mostly I am sorry to me and to him. Sorry because loving him is difficult and painful. Sorry because it's a love that can never be given freely. If there was ever a doubt about choosing who you can love, I can assure you that it's possible to be in love with a mortal enemy. I can choose NOT to try to be "together" and I can choose how to deal with this love, but loving him is not a choice. It never has been, you only ever have to read my blog to see I was madly in love with him all along.

He wrote me back this morning, answering to each point. In #5 he wrote "Ditto". I wondered if he meant that he feels it too or something else. I suspect he feels it too but I doubt we'll ever have the luxury of discussing or acknowledging it. We both work hard to limit our interaction.

There's a long week ahead and I never know just where it will take me.