TGIF

Jeff was exhausted after work last night and took a nap while I spent time with Taylor. He asked me to call him when she went to bed, but I ended up falling asleep myself. When I called him, we agreed talk another night.

Of course, he then text messaged me at 4:30 am to see if I was awake (knowing I have trouble sleeping) and then called me when I responded that I was. We talked until 5:30 am.

It looks like we're going into business together. There's too much money to be made not to. I told him upfront that I didn't trust him not to cast me aside as a business partner, thus I insisted on being an equity partner. I planned to ask for 20%. He offered 50%.

I will be Vice President and Treasuror of our company. He will be President and Secretary. We plan to incorporate next week.

I have to work tonight but after work there's a party I am supposed to attend...a party where my young line cook will be coming to see me. I really hope it's fun. I really hope the flirtation heats up a bit more.

I love Jeff. I always will. I wish with all of my heart that we could just be together and in love for the rest of our lives. I still believe he is "the one". But...I also know better...

I know we can't be together. I know he can't love me the way I need to be loved. I know that as a couple, we just don't work. Or didn't.

But I do love him.

Still, some of the things he's said have made me think. He talks about how one day I will move on and find someone. He says it in this sort of strange way...almost like he wants to mean it, but really hopes I will respond with "no, I won't" or something. Based on his frequency of communication these days, I think it's pretty clear that Jeff has strong feelings for me too.

So, I can't help but wonder how he will feel when I do find someone that I decide to be with. Granted I don't feel like I want that now, but it can always sneak up on you.

How will Jeff cope when I am too busy to be there for him? When I am smiling because another man has made me smile? When I can't see him because the man in my life wouldn't like it?

I don't think he will cope well, to be honest. He's never really "lost" me so he has no idea...he's always known I love him and I've always been there. But the way our lives are set up, it is a fair bet I won't always be there.

I know I am a great girl. I am reasonably attractive, fun, smart and dynamite in bed (others words, not mine) - I would be a great catch and someday, someone will come along that makes me happy and I will fall for them.

I don't think I will ever love someone with the intensity and strength that I feel for Jeff, but being able to be with them will make up for that. It will be enough.

And how will Jeff react?

Ironically, I found myself watching the old movie Xanadu and heard a song that made me think I know...

Don't Walk Away

Why do I say
Don't walk away?
You'll be the way you were before
When you don't want me anymore...

Don't turn around...
Don't ever leave...
A lonely room where empty days
Are gathering to meet me when you're gone, gone

How in the world will I go on?

(Don't walk away)
All you gotta do is stay
(Don't walk away)
All you gotta do is stay
(Don't walk away)

Don't walk away
Don't say goodbye (don't say goodbye)
Don't turn around (don't turn around)
Don't let it die (don't let it die)
When shadows fall (when shadows fall)
When day is done (when day is done)
All through the night (all through the night)
All of my life (all of my life)
Don't walk away

Is it a dream,
When will it end
When everything we've ever known
Has ended and I'm all alone
Where will I go
Where will I be
The feelings that I've never shown
Maybe I'll find the answer when you're gone, gone
How in the world will I go on?
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It makes me sad because part of me knows that he needs me. He shows me that in every way without saying it. I know that he loves me even if he doesn't know it. I think that if the day actually comes when I get involved with someone else and can't be there for him anymore - I think he will finally feel the pain he's managed to elude for so long.

I do wish we could just be together. But it would take a damned miracle and he's not capable of producing them.

So I do give him all I can for right now - but I also see other people and I keep my eyes open for new "friends". Tonight is a perfect example. For all I know things might get heated up and sexy with Chris. For all I know, there's an amazing guy just around the corner who's going to knock me off of my feet.

And the ability to be with me will more than make up for the fact that the love isn't as intense or as deep for me.

And Jeff finally will be alone. Because I can still be a business partner and keep it professional. I've worked my entire life with friends and family and I know how to separate the two VERY well.

What would it be like to have an office where we exist as partners, but he watches me race for the door all excited about seeing a new man that night? When he sees me go off to lunch with someone who makes my eyes sparkle?

Someday it will happen. And no matter how much I feel sad - bittersweet - for it or how much I worry - it will happen.