Can We Talk?

So. I've been thinking.

Jeff's been gone since...3:30ish? We had a few tense phone conversations...I wasn't thrilled he ate dinner in an airport bar since bars are on his "don't" list (self-made) and our last chat he was either tired or just cold, but I got the big brush off. Basically "I'm here. Bye" and when I tried to speak I got the cold tone.

I'm not mad.

Honest.

Okay, I was a little offended. But not mad.

But here's what I am thinking.

I love Jeff. I really, truly do. Probably more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. Stupid love.

But I think he is not ready for a relationship. I think he needs time to learn how to care about another person. I think he needs to figure out how to love someone back.

And I have waited for so long...I just don't know if I can wait anymore.

My biggest problem is this...when Jeff is away, I feel sad for a bit, then lonely and then I start to come back to myself. I start to feel strong.

By nature, I am actually a strong person.

I am not strong with Jeff. Somehow he takes that away. He could smile at me and suggest we eat cow shit on rye and I would try it because he just overwhelms me. I think Jeff would never even consider me to be strong because he never actually sees it.

What's worse is that when I try to figure out how my strength depletes me in his presence quicker than Delilah's haircut trick on Sampson I think that the answer is that Jeff is not strong.

He's not strong enough to love someone back. He gave me the defined laundry list he discovered last night...fear of abandonment, loss of integrity, etc, etc but the truth is that it takes great courage to love someone and I have always been able to love.

My weakness is a direct answer to his weakness. I spend too much time afraid he will cheat because he is weak. I don't confront him when I should because I worry that I will somehow offend him or scare him away. I don't stand up to him when I need to because I let him hold the illusion that he is in charge.

I am not being true to myself and I have no idea how it happens, but the moment I am in Jeff's sights it's as if I am an X-men mutant in the presence of that creepy, bald very white child they called the cure and my powers vanish.

The weird thing is that right now...I feel very strong. I feel clear. I feel unafraid and brave and ready to face anything. Even weirder, I know it will fade the moment he calls me tomorrow.

It's him who is weak. I have to learn to not let it affect me this way. I have to find a way to be true to myself.

I respect his program and his progress, but I think I am nearing a breaking point here. I'm an awesome woman and if he's not ready to love me then I think it's time to finally give up once and for all.

But....

The sad thing is this...

There's something huge there. We can talk. We can be honest with each other. When we touch, it just melts me. I honestly believe he is the one for me and I believe I am the one for him.

We're so compatable that it's almost bizarre. We fit. We meld. We function as if we are one being who was split in two.

But only I got the ability to love.

I think that if this has to end, it will truly have to be the end for me. No more moping about, wishing for changes or suffering the loss.

If I end up deciding that I have to walk away, I will do so knowing I loved him truly, deeply and fully. I gave it everything I had.

He will be the one who loses.

He could never find another me.

I will try as hard as I can to give him a little more time, but I think time is running out.

He'll be hard to get over. I still have to work with him and that means he will affect me daily - and probably break my heart all over again.

But it just might be even harder to love him.