Imperfections

Even after such a great many days of feeling like I'd achieved better sobriety, the addictions can knock you down.

The trick is to get back up and do it again...and again...and again. Because working towards feeling better is always going to be better than not.

I fell hard last week.

Valentine's Day was lovely, but somehow after we'd crawled into bed I began to feel that frustration inside of me. I felt frustrated that Jeff remained emotionally unavailable. I suppose that I had some fantasy of him romancing me just a bit with words. We had an amazing meal and a lovely night, but I would have traded it all to hear him tell me that I mattered to him.

Then came Friday.

The problems with Jeff's ex-wife begin again. As I understand it, her boyfriend of some time now packed his things and left her. Whatever empathy I might have felt got wiped out when she called Jeff. He spoke to her on his cell in our office and I could hear her snooty British bitching on the other side of the room. She asked Jeff about money he owes her and he told her truthfully he's working on it.

Jeff did fall behind in the OUTRAGEOUSLY high alimony and child support he owes her while we were apart. The amount he pays her per month is more than most people earn for a salary with a full time career. Over the past 3 months, he has paid her about $10,000 to catch up.

She asked how he was "working on it" and he mentioned our business. She knows he and I are working together but she seems to have the false idea that I am some dumb secretary he gives a paycheck too rather than 51% owner of the company and someone who covers her bills and not much else. I do not draw a salary beyond my immediate expenses.

She said rude things like "What the hell does SHE know about aviation?" (Um...more than you and I've done well at it for the past 6 months) and "I'm going to be pissed if you pay that bitch before me" (Um...MY company that I work my ass off at and you don't dictate my payroll).

Then she announced that she was going to have a private investigator check me out.

She also demanded copies of my company's bank statements.

Um...no.

What she doesn't know is that only weeks ago I told Jeff that our next large commission would be largely directed to paying her off. I was willing to sacrifice my cut to get her settled.

Not anymore. Guess I can be a bitch after all. Jeff's financial obligations to her are separate from me and our company and no longer my headache. How's THAT suit ya??? (as she once snapped at me on a voicemail).

Truthfully it bothered me and pissed me off. I've been good to her kids and I've been working hard with Jeff to turn his life around for the better and she just wants to throw her little bitchy remarks around about me.

And thus, serenity lost.

I became suspicious and frustrated and irritable. I checked up on Jeff and caught him in a minor slip and I retaliated by checking out the personal ads and seriously considering cheating. I didn't let him know what I knew, but rather just seethed inside.

At my meeting, I confessed all.

Jeff and I had a long talk and straightened it all out. It's a very hard thing between us. I honestly don't know if it will work.

His meeting tonight was a waste. He caught another cold and wasn't really in the present. He skipped his sponsor meeting to come home and when I said that I was worried, he jumped all over me. Eventually he said he didn't feel well and was just defensive and I said goodnight. I told him I wanted him to get rested, but the truth was that I did not want to talk to him anymore.

My grandmother - the last living one - passed away this morning and I knew my Dad would be devastated. I felt like I should call him, but I could not bring myself to it. My sister called to tell me but my father and stepmother continued to avoid contact with me. In the end, I decided nothing positive would come of my call beyond surface value for either of us and I eventually stopped staring at my cell phone.

I plan to work my program harder and more often. For me. Not for Jeff or anyone else.

To be honest - as much as I want to be with Jeff, I am growing tired of this game with him and without some major progress on his end I don't see us lasting.

And maybe that's not a bad thing.