Step One

I am going to try to work out my steps here. My group is really too new to have sponsors, although we all lean on each other.

Starting now....I guess I will try to journal my way through it.

From Stepping Stones to Recovery:

The Codependence patterns that I see in myself: (Note, I am not including any I feel are not applicable to me).

Denial Patterns:

I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others (I know in my heart this is not true and that I can be very selfish, yet I always seem to try to tell myself and the world how much I give, do, suffer or how hard I work...)

Low Self-Esteem Patterns:

I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly as never "good enough"

I value others approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

I am very sensitive to how others are feelings and feel the same.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over other people, that our lives had become unmanageable.

In my book, it is suggested I make two lists. The first is my "joy" list. It is expected to be a list of people, places and things I am grateful for:

• thunder storms at night
• the way autumn feels
• my daughter
• my cats - my small kitten (a full grown runt of a tiny thing) seems to have the amazing ability to sense when I need comfort and always curls up with me. During the first few months I had left Jeff, she slept with me each night and purred against me. I truly felt comforted.
• music - I love to find songs that make me feel understood
• my 12 step group. the women there accept me and I love them for it.
• books - I love to read
• travelling - I love to explore new places
• hugs and kisses - I admit this is tricky because I only like them from people I feel intimate with, but they make me feel so warm
• movies - I love to lose myself in a good movie
• Brad, my ex-husband - he continues to be my best friend
• My home. It's often messy, but it's my space.
• My career - I love to work
• laughter
• snuggling against Jeff - it feels so good
• flowers
• Naps on a Sunday
• The sound of football on tv
• Having my back rubbed
• Having my face caressed
• Having my hair played with
• Passion

My second list is to be a list of things that no matter how hard I try just frustrate me or make me angry. Things I can not control:

• My family - they have never been there when I needed them
• My father, in particular - he is emotionally abusive and has never approved of anything I say or do unless it's what he wants me to say or do.
• Jeff's love - I just can't seem to win it
• My daughter's school work
• Bettering myself - I feel like I can never say or do the right thing
• My former friends - I feel like they used me and abandoned me when I needed them the most.

***Note: I had published the above and was already realizing how lousy all my posts including the first one tonight was because I am SO not "sober" - but in reading I had an aha! moment and needed to add it here.

In Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps regarding Step One there are questions.

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? yes. Have you been trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results? yes.

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Jeff. Whom do you feel victimized by? My family and Jeff. Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions or some other area of your life? Jeff. What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying or avoiding? I'm not sure on this one...being alone? Being unloved?

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? A-ha! My god, if I wasn't trying to control Jeff he wouldn't want to be with me. I am actually more afraid he won't want to be with me than I even am of him cheating on me...because I think if he cheated on me and I found out and he begged me for forgiveness and told me how sorry he was and how much he needed to be with me I would feel better than if he decided he did not want to be with me.

But I CAN'T control him or his feelings and he IS with me. I have to stop analyzing. Jeff wants to be with me, because he IS with me. PERIOD. Sure, I want more. Sure, I am afraid. Sure, it's hard. But he's with me. Instead of freaking out over whether or not he will love me or will want to be with me tomorrow, I need VERY much to just BE HAPPY that he wants to be with me right now. What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you? Same thing. If I didn't let him control me, I am still afraid he would not want to be with me. See above.

That's only 3 of 8 questions, but for tonight it is enough. I've had my "aha" moment.

I'm good.

My V-Day Ultimatum is off. I will be here until I no longer feel I can. I won't worry about that. For today, I love Jeff and Jeff is my boyfriend and wants to be with me and that has to be enough for today.