For Jenni

Ya know, Jenni - I'm starting to think you're not a real person. I have this theory that you are like my internet guardian angel or something. My i!angel.

Thank you for the birthday e-card. When I saw it you could have just about knocked me over with a feather. My family didn't call, Jeff forgot and it was a horrible day...and YOU remembered. Thank you.

In response to your comment - you're right. It should be said.

To be honest, recounting 8 months seems like an insurmountable task. A LOT happened. It wasn't that I wasn't writing out of happiness...

When we left off last June, I was trying to say I couldn't write my thoughts here anymore. And with good reason. Things sort of came to a head about that time and my life was so out of control that I could not bear to write about it.

I was sleeping with Jeff regularly and everytime we "hung out" it seemed to end in sex. But I was wanting more. It FELT like we were together, but I knew he was still chasing skirts all over town.

Somehow, we began the talk of "swinging". I think I encouraged it. I think that I felt that if I could control the OTHER women he saw and screwed around with...and was a part of it...that I would have control over him.

Wrong.

We posted a profile. We met a couple of other couples and once we met a woman. We never did anything, but we kept talking about it. We always had some excuse for not going through with it. The last woman we met was Anne. She was nice, but heavyset and a bit...well, just not my "type" I suppose. 1980's hair, blue eyeliner and worked in construction. I was pretty upset when she and Jeff began a secret text/phone thing. As far as I know they never met up.

I'll be honest. I did not want to "swing" but I did want to hold on to Jeff.

I kept pushing for a relationship. I tried to analyze everything. I tried to analyze Jeff. I would talk to him for hours. I asked once if I found a self-help type of book that resonated with him, would he read it and he said yes.

He said he felt "self-esteem" was the main issue. The first chance I got, I went to the local Borders and spent hours in the self-help section pouring over books.

One title "Don't Call it Love" caught my eye and I flipped through it. The title seemed ironic and I was smirking as I picked it up. But when I started to read, the smirk faded.

It was about Sex Addiction. I used to think it was a joke. But there was Jeff in black and white.

I bought it and fully expected him to throw it away.

He read it.

He saw himself in it. He was stunned, shocked, shaken and amazed. He began to read up on it. He looked for local 12 step meetings and found one. He made plans to go.

I was probably more stunned than he was.

One day I was flipping through it in his car and found a chapter on "Co-dependents of Sex Addicts".

Holy crap. It was me. It was so much me that I was stunned and very upset. All of the things I have never been able to understand about myself - and him - and us were there.

The things I did. My thoughts. My feelings. They were all there. I was never so taken aback. Jeff kept asking if I was ok and I told him that I was not. It really, really disturbed me.

We found that there were 12 step meetings for co-dependents too. I made plans to go as well.

Jeff's group meets on Mondays (or Thursdays). Mine meets Sundays. I am so happy to say we have both been going since the end of September and that we BOTH love our groups. Jeff has a sponsor and I have a room full of women who totally and completely understand me. We are working our programs.

We are finding ourselves. He is at his group as I write this...

In my group, we have small readings at the start. The one that I most identify with is this (I have highlighted the parts that REALLY strike me as being ME):

S-Anon members have much in common with the friends and family members of other addicted people. Most of us grew up in families with secrets, and we were not taught to think about our own needs and take positive action to meet them. As we grew up we felt more and more lonely and isolated as we chose friends and partners who could not or would not love and support us in a healthy way. We lived life from the standpoint of victims and perceived any personal criticism as a threat. For most of us, anger and depression were a way of life. We were so afraid of being left alone that anxiety and frustration were nearly constant. Whether or not we were exposed to sexaholism as children, most of us think that we acquired some unhealthy beliefs about ourselves very early in our lives - that we were not worthwhile and lovable, that we were able to control other people's behavior, and that sex was the most important sign of love.

What is different is that we have felt the additional shame of being involved with the sexaholism of a family member or friend. It does not matter a great deal whether that person was a member of our birth family, a partner, spouse, child, or someone outside the family like a friend, teacher, or boss. It does not matter whether we were willing, unwilling, or unknowing participants in the relationship - sexaholism deeply affected our lives. Our self-esteem dropped to lower and lower levels, and we doubted our attractiveness, our emotions, our sanity, and our human worth. We have felt betrayed by those we loved the most, and those of us who didn't know about the sexaholic behavior felt even more humiliated and stupid for not knowing. Many of us were sexually abused, exposed to sexually transmitted diseases and otherwise placed in physical danger. We were often afraid to trust others and reach out for help because we were afraid of what they would think of us or of the sexaholic.
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Some of us minimized the importance of the sexaholism by denying its existence or minimizing its importance. We stuffed our feelings of anger and abandonment to the point that we felt emotionally numb. We told ourselves things like "Everybody does this," "This shouldn't bother me," or even "It can't be true - he wouldn't do that." Others focused on the sexaholic and the sexual behavior to the point of obsession. We tried every known method to control it. We lied and covered up, spied at doorways, listened to private conversations, checked up on the sexaholic's whereabouts, read through journals and personal papers, begged, pleaded, and threatened. Some of us participated in sexual behavior that we did not enjoy or that made us ashamed of ourselves. Many of us tried to use sex to manipulate the sexaholic, thinking that being part of the acting out would give us a little bit more control over our lives. Most of felt that we must have done something to deserve this kind of treatment, and that happiness was for others, not for us. Some of us misused drugs, alcohol, or food to numb the pain; others used activities, such as shopping, exercising or working, to keep from feeling our emotions. We often neglected our health, our jobs and our children. No matter how we tried to struggle against it, deny it or minimize its effects, the failure of our efforts to cope with sexaholism brought us to the point of despair. This is what we mean when we say in the First Step, "our lives had become unmanageable."

Now...if you have read me - have read my past from the Odd Wife to the Trouble with Red then you must see me in this. Remember when I felt that my husband must not love me since we didn't have frequent sex? Remember my constant spying on Jeff?

Yes, this has affected me DEEPLY.

But I know it now. I love my group. I have so far to go, but I have to say that having this support system is life-changing for me.

Regarding my family...

What family???

My father told me he didn't want anything to do with me if I spoke to Jeff again.He also suggested I was an unfit mother. My sister - the perpetual "daddy's girl" saw the opportunity to rise from the troublesome younger sibling to the GREAT one by following Daddy's footsteps.

I have not seen or spoken to any member of my family in more than 6-7 months...despite the fact that every single one of them lives within 15 minutes of me - and my father lives around the corner. They made a point to ignore and avoid me on every holiday - Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday and I will never, never, never forgive them for it. Remember - I was NOT back with Jeff when they turned their backs - I was simply talking to him. I have never been a criminal or a drug or alcohol abuser. I have only been a single mom working hard to try to support me and my daughter. For them to treat me this way is beyond unforgivable.

They are dead to me. Truly dead to me. I am tempted to say that I hate them, but that seems extreme. My father and my sister used to talk about moving to Tennessee all the time and I pray every day for them to move and be gone. I never want to see them again. Ever.

In my group, I learned a LOT about how my relationship with my father is a mirror of my situation with Jeff. My dad always witheld love and affection and rained verbal abuse on me. He has always fought to control me and whenever I made a choice that he did not agree with he would verbally abuse me and often stop speaking to me. Jeff doesn't do THAT, but the elements are similar. I am happy to have my father out of my life. I feel VERY good about that decision. I can only hope he moves SOON and that I never have to even know he is dead or alive again.

In truth, I largely blame my father for my issues with men and relationships.

Moving on.

I quit the restaurant job...I actually did it terribly. I didn't show up for work because I wanted to be with Jeff instead. I thought if I was not working nights, I could see him more and he would see other women less.

Jeff and I officially became a couple on October 8th. We're taking it VERY slow and I am frustrated by it. He says he does not know if he loves me because he doesn't know what love is and until he does, he does not want to mislead me.

On business...

Well, this has been the biggest change. The business that I talked about starting with Jeff back in June? Well....hah!!!!

We incorporated in July. We did over $600,000 in sales in our first 6 months working out of my home. Today, we have almost 8000 square feet of office space, several employees and about 1/2 million dollars of inventory. We invest almost everything BACK into the company, but our bills get paid and we're doing VERY well. I am proud.

Jeff and I share a large office. We work VERY well together. We always did.

The last 8 months have been a roller coaster to say the least....

I am sure I left a million things out. We just got back from a vacation to Costa Rica, we went to Atlanta on business and I met (and fell in love with) several of his family members.

***UPDATE***: Jeff is out of his meeting and tonight's topic struck him. It all dealt with the fear of abandonment and intimacy issues and he saw himself in it. Exactly what I have been hurting over and writing about. He's going to take the time to really read it again and think about it but I am praying it will be another breakthrough.

Because I would give anything for him to tell me that he was in love with me too. I feel so strongly that I have earned it and deserve it and I know I am starving to death for lack of it.

Here's hoping.