Hold On

Last year, Valentine's Day was a nightmare. I worked just to make sure I could try to forget the day.

But I did do one thing...

I set a scheduled task for 11:11 pm Valentine's Day night 2008 reminding me to find love.

I'm a little surprised to hear that Jeff has made secret plans, but I wonder if he can grasp what I really need this Valentine's Day.

I wonder if I will find love after all. I feel like no one has looked or tried harder than I have.

I wonder if he knows how hard I am trying to hold on when I feel my heart starting to give up.

I think I have almost subconsciously set this Valentine's Day as a benchmark. Maybe it's not fair to him, maybe it's too much pressure - but what about the fairness to me all these years and the pressure that I have been under?

I need his heart by 11:11 on the 14th. And not the chocolate or Hallmark variety.

It's crunch time. Post V-Day, I can't imagine how much longer I am going to be able to sit around loving a man who can't love me back.

But something inside of me feels like I am already giving up and I have just set V-Day as a last chance for romance sort of desperate attempt.

I love him. I know it doesn't mean that I can be with him.

But I can't keep lowering myself into believing I have to wait to be loved back. I believe I deserve his love, I believe I have earned it.

Chemistry? We have it. We enjoy the heck out of one another on every level.

Passion? We've had it, and while it's a slow burn right now through our programs, it's there.

Love? I've been by this man's side through it all. I've stood so strong by him. I've loved him in spite of the hardest of challenges he has thrown at me. I've stayed when everyone else has turned their back.

This is the biggest frog of them all and V-Day magic really needs to be on my side as I try to kiss him into a prince for the millionth time.

Otherwise I will sadly resign myself to start removing the warts. :(

I really hope...

Well, you know what I hope.

Love me.