You've all been too kind to ask me why I am so full of anger over Jeff. I mean, it was "just a break-up", right?
Wrong.
The first thing you have to understand is that Jeff is a psychopath. I'm not saying this to be 'cute' - he is clinically a psychopath/sociopath. I realized this last year and promised him I would keep it between us, but I mentioned it in a post here (at the bottom) on February 3, 2006.
You can do your own research if you feel so inclined, but essentially a psychopath is a person who has a sort of defect within them. They can not feel basic human emotions. A true psychopath is not capable of love, hate, guilt, remorse. They can feel happy (sort of, they "like" when things go their way) or sad (sort of, the are "disappointed" when things go wrong for them). They learn early on through instinct to 'fake' these emotions to fit in. They become masters at mirroring your emotions and trying to be what you want them to be.
I used to write posts where I called him the "Amazing Programmable Boyfriend". All I had to do was tell him what I wanted and he would do it. If I said "hug me when I am upset" he'd do exactly that. Once, he tried that and I pushed him away and he was thoroughly confused. He thought he did what I told him to do and could not understand why it didn't just fix everything.
It's a bit like an alien, really. They don't understand human emotions, but they try to mimic them.
So, Jeff is correct when he says he never loved me. But, by the same token, he has never loved anyone - nor will he - he simply can't.
What he does is logical to him, but evil to the rest of us. He finds a woman who meets his needs. She has to be attractive, strong in personality and she has to have certain aspects that suit what he needs in his life. He prefers single mothers because he thinks they're "hungry" and thus he can manipulate them. I may have been the only woman he got serious with that was not a single mom when he met me, but there's another story behind that. STBX and Jill were both single mom's. What he's drawn to is vulnerability.
Jeff is drawn to ego, money and power. He has zero self esteem because inside he knows he is different. He and I discussed this many times. The impact of living this way (since birth) is that he's always had to 'fake' it and it's ensured he has no self-esteem. He does fake a high level of confidence to compensate for this. Jeff is 100% about image. He has nothing else, so his image is all he can ever cling to.
To be blunt - if one of Jeff's children were to be seriously injured - Jeff might feel concern, but he could not feel true distress. Again, he's not capable. His brain is not wired like 'normal' people.
As a child, Jeff displayed these tendencies young. He used to torture cats. I suspect there are a lot of secrets in his past. He once admitted to me that he was 'indirectly responsible for the death of a woman'. When I pressed, he told me some story about her committing suicide and how he blamed himself - but that was likely a 'half-truth'. Another trait is that he (and psychopaths across the world) is/are pathological liar(s).
Jeff is non-confrontational. He is a coward. He will actually hide from confrontation. Remember the incident at Golden Corral where a man was in my face yelling at me and Jeff was actually looking the other way (he was terrified). But he won't always be...most psychos begin to move towards violent tendencies as they age. Jeff's about 4-5 years away from becoming dangerous.
Psychopaths are notoriously VERY charming and Jeff was no exception. They learn to manipulate people's emotions because they are constantly faking their own responses and emotions and they ultimately learn what works and what does not. If Jeff is attracted to a woman, he will 'test' her out by flirting and once he sees what works he lays it on thick.
He also likes to play "fallen angel" and let women think they're unique to him. "I never knew I could feel this way...", "I never knew I could care about someone this much...", "I've never known real love until you...", "you make me a better person..." - all trademark lines he uses confirmed by me and women of his past.
Back to his need for a vulnerable woman. He prefers them to be vulnerable because he can try to appear like the strong knight in shining armor and earn their undying loyalty. If you remember correctly, Jeff fell in love with me when Hurricane Wilma took my house and left me homeless. Suddenly he was buying me a condo and wanted to 'take care of me'.
Why? Not love. Because I was vulnerable and he could 'save the day' and know it would make him a hero in my eyes. He needed to be seen that way. It made me trust him, love him and made me loyal to him.
Jill? Well, gee...she's a single mom of 4 kids. Her divorce to a mega-rich developer was final on October 31st. Not only does Jeff see dollar signs in her - and power through her connections - but she had the vulnerability thing going for her. She simply had better things to offer him. She had more money and she had the connections that he would feel he could gain power and influence through.
I can promise you right now that he will never ever marry her because it would cut into her alimony. And as long as she has alimony, she has her own money...and money for him. He'll make a big show of not wanting to take her money, but in the end he'll be drawn to the luxuries in her life.
It's not possible for me to be jealous because I know him. If you catch Jeff during an honest moment, he knows everything above is true too. We've discussed it openly. I once described him as the scorpion in the old 'scorpion and the frog' analogy. Jeff was taken aback by that.
"You think I'm the scorpion?" he asked me.
"You know you are," I answered him
He agreed. What Jeff didn't like was that I knew him. He told me I was too close. He admitted I knew him better than he knew himself. He would not dispute a single thing I have written.
Still...I loved him. What choice did I have? He was a master of the game and he made sure I loved him. I believed our love could save him.
But the research all proves that there is no cure, no treatment and no hope for this disorder. He simply is the scorpion. I didn't want to believe that but yes, I knew. I'd read it all.
So, when I rage here about Jeff and how he deserves to die - understand that it comes from a different place than you might think.
On one hand, he is very mentally ill. Is it fair of me to punish him for being the way that he is when he can not change? Is it right to condemn him for actions that are as much a birth defect as if he'd been born legless?
On the other - this is a man who is a danger to the world. He is pure evil and any research you find on the nature of a psychopath will confirm this. Again, this is not me just being 'cute' and calling him names...he actually is evil. He is a pathological liar, a manipulator, a con artist, a fraud (with a felony conviction to prove it) and he purposely uses and destroys every life he comes into contact with. He doesn't intend to, but it's his nature.
So yes, he deserves death. He can not be saved. He can not be helped. He will continue to ruin lives. Other notable psychopaths include Ted Bundy (also described as incredibly charming). Jeff will be as serious a menace. I can honestly tell you that I would not be shocked to learn Jeff had committed murders in his past. I can tell you that I know him well enough to know he could do it and not let it falter his step in the least. If he hasn't - he most likely will. The nature of a psychopath is that they grow increasingly frustrated with their lack of ability to accomplish what they want. They briefly succeed in business only to fail when they lose focus. They fail in relationships. Eventually, the frustration takes a deep toll.
Author Ann Rule, who knew Bundy personally even before the murders, believed that he was a "shadow man" who allowed the world to see what he wanted it to see and hid who he really was behind a façade. Rule stated that to most people, Bundy was a handsome, articulate, courtly, and brilliant law student, who loved to ski, sail and hike. He favored French cuisine, good wine, and gourmet cooking. But in reality, Bundy loved material possessions more than he loved people, and cared about objects such as an abandoned bicycle or an old car with more compassion than he could ever feel for another person. Rule stated that she believed that Bundy had no conscience or superego, and that he was merely mimicking the feelings of those he encountered in order to gain favor with them.
I would suspect Jeff could become a rapist. I mentioned that he was incredibly turned on when I would "fight' him in bed. I couldn't hurt him - he doesn't feel pain like nomal people do.
Like psychopaths, Jeff has some basic traits. He rips out his hair under stress. He doesn't sleep. He lies. He spends money carelessly.
When (if) Jeff snaps it's not hard to believe I'd be a victim. The problem is that I know and understand him too well and my very existence (and the fact that I am talking) is a serious threat to him. If I published this with his full name (so very tempting) it would be a huge threat to him.
He used to talk about having Dawn killed. He told me it would cost $10k. I thought he was being a smartass. Now, I am pretty sure he was serious. He said he couldn't because he'd be the prime suspect. When she was sick he'd laugh about it. When she had some sort of skin cancer, he'd voice his hopes that she'd die so he could take his boys. He laughed. What man laughs at cancer attacking the mother of his children?
Yes, I am to blame for falling for him. In my defense, I was in love before I realized what I had on my hands. By then, I was naive and believed we could handle it together. I didn't take most of my glimpses into his true self seriously. I told myself he was a wise-ass. I told myself he didn't mean it.
But all the answers were there.
So yes, I am consumed with anger and hatred. I am angry with myself for falling for it and being a victim. I am angry with him for targeting me.
I represented a challenge to Jeff. Remember how everyone so admired my marriage with Brad? Jeff was aware of it. To 'take me' away was a great challenge. Once the Hurricane hit, he saw his opportunity and he moved in full steam.
Now he's moved on. He calls her his girlfriend. I will tell you now she's only the next victim. When Jeff first described her to me he referred to her as "old" (40's) with (4 kids). He said she was attractive but he reiterated that she was 'old' repeatedly.
And, for the record, in addition to recollections, I have IMs and emails to back up everything I have said here.
Further, a thorough read of my archives and my past blogs will prove I chronicled every moment of this entire sham.
Just writing this post is a danger. Jeff no longer reads, but he still could and he would be apalled at very word. It's all true and he knows it, but he'd want to kill me for it.
If anything ever happens to me, several people know and have enough evidence to ensure he pays for it. One person in particular has a full list of contacts for everyone from Jill to his probation officer to his family 'just in case'.
This is why this is so hard. I'm not getting over a 'break-up'. I'm coming to terms with being the victim of a monster and watching him move on to another victim.
And I can't stop him.
But I can chronicle what happened to me here in my diary.
I weighed warning Jill. Dawn was adamant that she needed to be warned and I couldn't do it. She said she would. She never did. The truth is that Jill wouldn't listen. Just like I didn't. Jeff would tell her I am a bitter ex (like he told me Dawn was) and she'd believe him because she only knows what she's seen in him...and he only shows what he wants you to see.
They say that the movie "The Talented Mr. Ripley" best represents a psychopath's nature. I avoided watching it, but I think it's time...
