Ups and Downs

Ouch. Damn my body hurts in the mornings. I am acutely aware of every muscle in my body. It didn't help that I was a walking catastrophe either. On Friday night I felt like I had a target on me.

First, another server - a VERY heavyset female was reaching up high for something ina big hurry and brought her arms down hard and fast as I walked past and accidently punched me dead in the heart with an elbow. I was stunned into pain.

Next, another server spun around with a stack of trays and cracked me in the ribs.

I was rammed with a heavy glass rack and had a dozen glasses dropped on my feet shattering against me.

Egads, I felt lucky to leave that night with my life.

It hurts everywhere.

Saturday, Taylor and I met with our realtor. When I picked her up from her sleepover at a friends house on our old street, I accidentally spotted Jeff sitting outside smoking a cigarette on the phone. I had an envelope to give him of the $20 I pay him a week towards insurance and Taylor brought it to him. Just that glimpse had my pulse racing and my adrenaline flowing. I wanted to set him on fire.

We looked at 4 houses and fell in love with 1. We have a 2nd and 3d choice, but we're in the application process for our 1st choice. I just this minute faxed over documents. I am terrified. There's a strong choice of denial because Jeff has stayed 2 mos. behind on rent to my former landlady since I left.

The house I chose is NOT the first one I mentioned before that WOULD be MINE. I was so sure that was THE one and could not understand how it could be rented already??? Then it came together...the NEW 1st choice is the same house, same model, same community but with MANY wonderful upgrades which make it 100x better for the same price. I'm really hoping for this...it would be perfect.

I'm off today (yes, you heard me right!) and thank god because I am in pain. It's cold outside so Taylor and I have to change our plans and part of them will likely include trying to organize our messy room. When you have two people crammed into a tiny space - living AND working - it's just a disaster. Even Extreme Home Makeover could not save us right now...

Jeff and I had another minor blowout in text yesterday. His stepdaughter called my daughter to ask WHY she could not play with Taylor's things and really put Taylor on the spot. I was furious. My daughter does NOT have to explain her feelings on this to his kids. Period.

Taylor and I saw a movie yesterday and had a Mexican lunch. We saw Bridge to Terabithia which was cute, but not life-changing.

Not sure what we will do today. I'm clinging to my money and need to clean, but need to spend good time with her too...the beach would be perfect if it wasn't 50 degrees outside!

I spoke to Tammy last night on the phone and somehow we went from discussing her life to mine and I sat in my truck sobbing on the phone for an hour. It makes me angry that after almost 4 months I am still in so much pain from this JACKASS. It's not love (I hate his guts) but rather a sense of betrayal, anger at being duped, confusion, pain from trying to recover and a feeling of utter failure.

Then I slept...

When does it stop hurting?

I hope it begins with my move. I hope I do move.