Me...?
I thought my days of "who am I?" were behind me. I thought I knew.
I have no clue.
I know who I've been. I know who I was.
Now? I feel like I am living inside a stranger.
The old me is still in there. Smaller, quieter and weaker. I watch the "new" me and occasionally I try to speak up, but no one listens.
I am a walking contradiction.
I want to find love again...but I am opposed to letting anyone - especially a male someone - near enough to me to get to know me.
I want to be happy...but I don't have time to do things to make myself happy.
I feel so lost.
The pressure is all still there.
I went out after work with my sister and her friend, Tori, again last night. Taylor was spending the night with Brad because they had a late hockey game and I wanted to unwind a bit. We returned to our regular bar and took our spots at the bar. We deflected men, briefly chatted with a bachelor party and laughed a lot. Ironically, the only man I was remotely attracted to is our very-married pal and I would never ever even contemplate a married man. He's great and she's lucky. He still has a running joke with me to "show him my tits" but I'm not that kind of girl and it really is just a joke. He's pretty conservative and sweet. When Tori was kidding with an old friend of hers that she recognized he mistakenly thought a man was bothering her and said "touch her again and I will kick your ass".
Our jaws dropped. Dino is so passive and sweet but he was dead serious. After a moment of stunned silence, we all fell over laughing and cheering him on. We told him how sexy that was and how much we adored him.
As usual, we drank free all night. Between men buying our drinks and Dino taking care of us, we left for the price of a good tip.
It was fun. Moreso because no one really bothered me. It was a girl's night and far more enjoyable to me.
My sister told me that Roger complained about me not giving him 'the time of day'. Yeah....well....whatever.
Part of me yearns to love again. Part of me refuses. I don't know how to reconcile the two halves.
I have a drawer full of gorgeous sexy matched lingerie...but I won't sleep with anyone.
I long to love and be loved - but I won't talk to anyone.
How exactly do I go on this way?
2 comments:
After having been in relationships for so long it's easy to get used to what's good about them, even when there are bad things in them too.
A man will get close to you when you least expect it. And that's how you will know that the time is right. He'll be so "safe" that you won't even realize that you're not being afraid around him.
I hate to say it but I don't think that you'll feel 100% better until you're in your new place and your material life is back to where it was. With everything around you so much different than you would like/expect it, it's hard to let go and not dwell on the hurt and anger. But the clock is ticking and April will be here soon.
MWCB - the last part of that comment is dead on. I think that too.
What I am AFRAID of is that I will move and nothing will change and I will still be this unhappy.
Then what?
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