Current Mood? Frfustrated

I am an exercise in frustration today.

My body is unbelievably sore...my back, my legs, my knees - all ache terribly. I worked my ass off last night and walked with $140. Nicely done.

Whenever I work at any job, I am not happy unless I am 'the best' at what I do. I don't know if it's pride or competitive or just ego but I can't settle for knowing I am 'mediocre'. This little tick has earned me promotions at every job I have ever held but there's something fun about seeing it actually earn me more money at this job.

On the weekends, the restaurant is stress-central. For some bizarre reason this makes me NOT stressed. While servers are pushing and screaming through the tiny kitchen alley I am calm and observing it all with a bit of amusement.

I don't let it stress me. For me it's actually stress relief.

A new table sits down. You go to get their drinks and there are no glasses. Every glass is dirty. The person who's 'sidework' is to refill the glasses is too busy and when you go in the back to get them yourself, there's still no glasses.

This happens again when you want to bring them bread (no bread!) or a spoon or a plate or their salad.

Still, while the other servers scream and bitch about who's not keeping up with their sidework, I manage to keep my own sidework fully stocked and just go get the things myself instead of freaking out.

From a management perspective it goes unnoticed. The managers get just as harried and stressed as the other servers. If I am 'invisible' to them because I have no melt-downs, they just don't notice - and that's ok...because I still get great tips.

Even so, I botched a table last night. I felt horrible. I served them an appetizer and then failed to ring in their dinners because I had 4 other tables keeping me running. I apologized profusely and I felt guilty as hell when they still left me a 20% tip that I knew I did not deserve.

Is it weird that I love this job? I come home wearing 8 courses of food, I am sore, tired and have been listening to co-workers scream and yell and rage and I feel energized. I can't walk through the crowded kitchen without any one of the 20 other employees knocking into me and spilling drinks, food and other crap all over me and I just keep moving with a smile.

It's my personal life that frustrates me.

I'm busy 24-7. I am on the run and have 497 things to do and I realize my actions make everyone else happy but I feel like I am unrewarded. I long for a day at the beach, a long nap, a bubble bath....

Actually, I long for companionship.

And thus, frustrated.

The busy schedule serves really only to keep me so busy that I don't mope or mourn or slip into depression. But at some point it will slow down and I wonder what I will have then?

A co-worker chatted me up after closing last night. He commented on how "nice" I am. I assured him it was faked and he seemed shocked.

"I have to be nice. I have to fake it. If I ever just relaxed and let my true feelings out there'd be a hostage crisis in the restaurant and I'd be serving up dishes worthy of Hannibal Lecter..."

Gee...I wonder why I don't have more friends at work???

Actually, that topic came up too. I have another co-worker a ride home and since he is known as the restaurant eyes and ears, I asked him what the scoop was on me. Apparently everyone really likes me but they can't socialize with me because they don't get along with my sister and it's not realistic to think I would hang out with them and not include her.

I love my sister. She's tough, in your face and direct as hell. She's also loyal and loving and would walk through fire for people she cares about. Not everyone gets her, but I know what a treasure I have in her. She's more than my sister - she's my best friend.

I do regret that it leaves me outside a social group that I enjoy. Several co-workers are so much fun and at least one reminds me completely of my darling Todd in Oklahoma who I miss so much. But nothing is worth even a second of my sister feeling excluded and thus, it is what it is.

I'm off tonight - thank god - and I plan to use the time to lie still as much as possible.