Compartments
You don't really want details on last night, do you?
I didn't think so. Especially since I know most of you are just groaning at my weakness.
It wasn't as sordid as it sounded. I dropped something off to him, we talked for hours about work and life and then I got a great back rub and...well, and more.
It was a bit awkward, we both agreed. There was no comfort level.
"You feel bigger," I told him (he's gained weight)
"You feel smaller," he told me (I've lost weight)
"I might hate you again tomorrow. I always seem to feel angry with you when this happens. I'll try not to, but I might."
"I know".
So, I'm trying hard to keep myself in perspective. I did learn things after all though. Not all of them were good things.
I learned that I am still in love with him. As horrible as he's been and with every reason to hate him, I was completely engaged in the conversation and enjoyed being able to talk.
I know he has no feelings where I am concerned. That's ok. Well, not 'ok' but it is what it is.
I tried hard not to think about what happened as I drove home. I turned the radio off. I tried to make to-do lists in my head. I got home and fell asleep.
I continue to work hard this morning to put it out of my head and I am keeping my head above water. If I stop to think about it, I might lose the small grip I have on the situation.
I don't understand how I can still care for him but it's there. Seeing him, hearing his voice, laughing with him - it all felt so nice.
And whoa, there's that thinking I promised not to do.
A commenter called me a slut and stupid last night and it was good for a laugh. A slut? Damn, I wish. Last night broke my longest ever celibate streak. I had sex with someone I was deeply in love with and still care for - even though I knew it was meaningless to him. I'm fairly certain that doesn't make me a slut. Stupid? That one's right. I'd managed to put him out of my head and heart for the most part only to realize he never really was out of my head or heart. He was always there, just locked up.
It's not as if we're reconciling. That's not happening. My family would kill us both. Brad would kick my ass - and probably his too. I'm not brave enough to try that again. So while it was meaningless sex for him, ultimately it couldn't be that much different for me since I knew I couldn't have anything more than that anyway. Even if he wanted, I could not go back. He doesn't want me back but at least in the end, it's my choice not to be there as well.
I don't expect this to be a regular occurence. I don't even know that it will ever happen again.
But for the moment, I don't regret it yet.
I realized that where talking to men generally doesn't interest me, I was easily engaged in my long casual conversation with him. That answers some questions for me. It doesn't solve anything or relieve anything, but I know where my heart is now.
Too bad it's in a place it doesn't belong.
8 comments:
sometimes we can't help who we love/care about even if they are sick twisted individuals - nobody is perfect
you are doing the right thing by getting away from him
you slept with him, you had no expectations - i hope, that's what you said ; ) - you're not going back to him, oh well no use obssessing over it, what's done is done, now keep moving
Good Lord - what are you doing to yourself?
Anonypus, after all you have been through you don't recognize the signs?
You had the wonderful benefit of a huge support group dedicated to helping you through your own issues.
No one is holding meetings 3 times a week to save me or help me survive this.
I only have this blog to talk to. If I were to even dare tell anyone I know the truth about what is going on in my life they would not only never understand but they would likely turn their backs on me rather than risk watching me get hurt again.
I MENTIONED that I might have to see Jeff last night about the truck and this morning I have angry phone calls and emails from everyone from my absentee mother to my sister (who chose not to say a word or ask a question but is probably waiting until she sees me tonight) to Brad to my father who openly told me he would be done with me if I had anything to do with Jeff. I know that they mean to encourage but the message is the same.
Honestly? I'd rather have faced your problems. At least there the path (however difficult) was clear and you had a world of resources to guide you. You had meetings. You had affirmations. You had a sponsor to call.
I have only this blog and so many questions, fears, feelings and anxieties about this all that I feel like I could drown in them.
And just as if I had fallen off the wagon and taken a drink last night, I lied to the people who've been there for me about where I was and what I was doing.
There are worse things that I haven't even written because I'm so afraid of who might read them. All I can say is that he needed help and I gave it to him.
Why? Stupid? A slut? Still in love? Still wrapped around his finger?
Probably.
Do you imagine that I am proud of any of it or ashamed and afraid?
And I can't talk to anyone. So please, just let me talk here. It's okay to disagree, it's okay to give me the 'whatfor', it's okay to tell me how stupid I am.
But just let me talk.
...and you thought I was so strong.
Hun - I'm not slamming on you.
For real.
Tone is hard to get when writing/reading.
Last night you created your own chaos. Yes, you did.
Are you weak?
Are you human?
Aside from being an alcoholic/addict, I'm also extreemly co-dependant.
Am I talking down from my high-horse?
No. More like, been there - done that. I'm so far from perfect...
BUT...and here's the big BUT...I am willing to change and practice daily for that change. And the best part is with practice comes progress.
Insanity <----- doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
Jeff is your insanity.
Oh - and my path to sobriety was pure hell.
It's only after I admitted I had no control over my drinking (or people, places and things) that my life got better.
I had to surrender - I had to STOP.
Anonypus - I wrote that all wrong I suppose. Read it again and hear it as a plea and not defensive. If anything I read your comment and then checked your blog out and realized that if anyone would understand it would be you.
I know your own journey had to be pure hell. I'm probably being quite presumptuous to imagine my situation can compare but I can't help but think that it must. I physically ache, I am so full of pain and I am feeling so weak. There are so many times I actually can feel my heart break. I used to think it was a turn of phrase until I actually felt it. I'll never use that expression lightly again. I have actually felt things deep inside of me snap and break to the point that I have hit my knees from the pain of it all.
I wrote with envy about your support group. You didn't have to do it alone. I wish I didn't either. I wish I had a group of people who had been through this themselves and fully understood and could guide me and be there for me. As it is, no one really understands and the ones who expect me to just get over it are the worst.
I would have died for this man. I gave up everything - including who *I* was as a person to try to be everything to him. I've never in my life been so consumed with a person or felt so helpless in their presence.
Another person might suggest I could 'win' him back by playing it 'coy' but I can't. I know that anything he asks of me I will do because I still feel the need to please him.
I've never been drawn to drugs or alcohol. I can only drink socially and even then it's a stretch. But I understand the addiction all the same because I have it in my life - only mine walks, talks and manipulates me to his will.
Christine: You are a grown woman and you can do anything that you want. It's not the fact that you had a booty call but who you chose to have a boot call with. It's not even the fact hat you are still in love with him. But, and you knew that there was going to be abut that still does not mean that he is good for you. There are always going to be people in your PAST that you still care for but don't have a relationship with because it's not good for one or both of you. Just as you said a while ago that you still have feelings for Brad but you know that it's not going to work, the same holds true for Jeff. Except in this case, you are letting your emotions get in the way of your intellect. The question is whether what you did will make it easier or harder to let him go. The best analogy would be a drug addict who has been clean for months then smokes a few rocks. The question is which way are you going to go TODAY. Before every important decision, we must as ourselves, what have we lost and what have we gained. We don't know the situation wee enough to answer hat question but that is something that perhaps you should think about. Remember the post from a month or so ago that was posted briefly then you took down? I never read it but perhaps those words are something that would resonate with you now.
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