Ohhhhh....Ouch

And here it is. The first waves of pain.

With only a few hours before work tonight, I took Taylor to the beach. Innocent enough...an hour or two in the sun. A book.

I saw them after about 20 minutes had passed. They stood on the sand watching kids romp in the surf. Shoulder to shoulder. Hand in hand. Casual, easy touches of a couple together for the long haul.

Tears just came.

I miss that so much in my life. I miss that person. The inside jokes, the feel of them against you as you sleep, the comforting touch, the casual embrace.

I thought my heart had already been broken, but some remaining fragment crumbled so loudly that I heard it *snap* and was sure the people around me could hear it as well.

Taylor was romping in the surf and I was alone so no one could see the tears, but still - I hurt all over again.

I hurt because I need someone so much in my life to feel that ease with. That partner. I hurt because of how alone I feel. I hurt because I know and have always known that it was supposed to be Jeff and it can't ever be.

Let me preface this by saying that I can never be with Jeff again. Ever. He lost me. I may still love him, I may try to be there for him - but he's lost me.

What hurts is that I still believe we are/were meant to be together.

I can't help thinking his life was better too when we were together. He seemed happy. I took care of him - professionally I was always there to help, personally I was always there to help, emotionally, sexually - in every way.

Sure, we had struggles but we faced them together whereas now it seems like he just continuously struggles. Sure we had difficulties, but when we faced them together it just worked.

He's always been able to talk to me. He's enjoyed me in conversations, in bed, in casual around-the-house fun and we did have a deeper connection. So why is it that he is/was so blind to it? If he had to name one person (not a sibling) who has been there for him, loved him, accepted him, supported him, cherished him, helped him and made him smile then it would have to be me. No one else has been a constant there. No one else reached him. No one else stood by him.

Why on earth do I sit here feeling empty when it should be him that misses it?

Let's imagine he realized it. Let's imagine he finally figured it all out. Would it matter?

No.

Because the past can be forgiven, but never forgotten. I could never trust him entirely. I could never bring him back into my family. I could never put him and my daughter together. I could never overcome what happened.

Not entirely true...the truth is that he'd basically have to work to move heaven and earth to win back my family and friends. He'd have to be sorry, he'd have to face them, he'd have to beg for another chance, he'd have to prove himself - and that's not who Jeff is.

But if the shoe were on the other foot - I would do it. Because I have always held "love" in high value. I've always believed it could move mountains. I'd prostrate myself to his every aquaintance to justify the reasons why I had been so stupid and deserved another chance.

But that's me. That's not him.

What hurts is that my feelings for him ran deeper than anything I've ever imagined. Deeper than anything I've seen.

Kayla asked me last night how I could be free and I had only one answer. He'd have to be gone.

Not gone from the city or state. Gone from the planet. He'd have to cease existing. Because if he was out there, somewhere, I would still always feel him on this planet. I'd feel him.

I'd seek him. Maybe not actively, but my heart would never stop searching like a beacon sending out signals in hopes of an answer.

Yet, I'd still fight his being gone. As much as I have wished him harm, if someone tried to harm him I would fight to the death to protect him. I would still fight for him.

I'm no more free now than I was when I was under his roof. I still somehow belong to him.

I've been reading The Stand for the past 4 months. I have precious little time to read, so it's taking an eternity. Once I would have finished it in days. In The Stand, Nadine is a woman who belongs to the evil Flagg. She's never met him but she somehow knows she belongs to him. She is not evil herself, but the certainty of her enslavement is as real as if she'd been born marked to be his.

I understand her. Somewhere on me or in me, I am marked to belong to Jeff.

I wish it washed away. I know I can never be complete now.

And yes, the hurting is starting.