My Looking Glass

I went to a midnight movie last night with some girls from work and we had a great time. We saw Premonition - which was...difficult. Ultimately, it was a fine time, but it was slow, hard-to-follow and was disappointing in general.

That's the least of it.

My body aches from working so much. I've worked non-stop and I'm sore. I've picked up shifts and now I won't have a night off until moving day - but the money is critical now. You do what you have to do, right? This is what I have to do to get this roof over our heads.

I had a dream about Brad. I was stranded on an island a la "Lost" with a group of my co-workers and Brad was there. We'd infiltrated "the others" camp and been captured. One "other" revealed to me a way off the island - but when I tried to round up my co-workers they were like lost sheep - dazed and distracted and unable to really keep up. I ran across Brad who was trying to coach a ball game. I walked up to him and kissed him. Then I left.

I had an interesting conversation with Jeff over the past few days.

Once, he said to me "I'm a bad habit" - to which I replied "and I will kick you" and he said "then I will just be someone else's bad habit."

"Probably," I told him.

I am working on it.

The problem in my life is this. I feel like I have two men in my life, and two men only. Brad and Jeff. One who doesn't care about me, but pretends he does and one who 'supposedly' does care about me and pretends he doesn't. Ultimately, I am stressed, struggling to make ends meet and deal with traumas and fears and I feel very much alone.

One man pushes me away. One man opens the door to me everytime. When I desperately need someone to be there for me - only one man shows up time and time again. When I need to be held, when I need to feel connected to something, when I need company - only one man lets me in.

It's just that it's the wrong man again and again.

I'm stuck. I have no time in my frantic schedule to go out and meet new men. I have no desire to take on a 22-year old "boy toy" lover who is also a co-worker that I'd have to face regularly. I have no interest in the magic-less world of online dating. I have no way out of this box I am inside of and most of the time I feel like emotionally I am stranded on that deserted island with two men...one who pushes me away and one who lets me in.

So, it's of small consequence usually that the one who lets me in is only using me right back in those moments.

I have actually had some clarity. So, while it seems like I've made no progress, I actually have had some realizations that are ultimately good ones.

I do want someone so badly in my life - and I do feel like I can not move on so long as I am trapped on my deserted island with only two men. But just like the survivors on Lost I am without the means to escape it for the moment.

But I would really like to.