Second Time Around

As agreed, I went by Jeff's house again after work last night. I gave him the truck payment he asked me to bring him and I picked up the check that had been left for me by one of my employees.

Work was dead slow and I left a bit early. I text messaged Jeff and offered to bring him dinner from the restaurant and he agreed. When I got there, we ate together and chatted.

We sat on the couch once more and talked again over glasses of merlot.

But it was different this time.

I know that I am still hopelessly in love with him - and I feel like I correctly say hopelessly since no amount of abuse has managed to kill that in me. Still, I realized from our conversation that he's still a really dangerous person. He has plans and schemes and drama that truthfully were interesting at first in a hypothetical sense but then became a bit of an emotional turnoff. If half of what he theorized to me and fantasized about is true then someday I stand to make a great fortune writing a book about him and making the talk-show circuit.

I suppose one thing that struck me was how freely he shared it all with me. Either he's making it all up or he's managed to overcome his own lack of trust in me in relatively short time.

Or he believes he has that much control over me.

It began to get late and I prepared to go. I got the sense that there was something he was waiting for and it revealed itself when he asked for a backrub. I obliged partially because I owed him for a phenomenal backrub he'd given me, partially because I wanted to feel him and partially because I knew he was really asking for sex and I'm still enjoying the sensation of sex with someone I feel things for after a long celibate period.

I rubbed his back until my hands cramped and when I was done he rubbed my wrists and began to rub my lower back. Within no time we were having sex. This time it felt like it used to...it wasn't awkward but rather familiar.

He talked a little about Jill and I was really surprised. Again, if what he says is true than she's not the innocent I thought she was.

I drove home without feeling confused about my feelings this time. I enjoyed the sex, I enjoyed talking to him but I was put off emotionally by the realization that he is still heading down a dark path. Continuing on this way will guarantee him a few news headlines someday. He seemed to be enjoying sharing his dark side with me and while I was glad he felt he could talk to me it was somewhat of a wake-up slap to me as well.

When I fell in love with Jeff the first time things were different. I saw him as this troubled man struggling with himself and hoping to find happiness and acceptance. He was vulnerable and it touched me. It made me want to help him, to save him, to cherish him and make him feel as special as I thought he was.

The man I came to know and the man I spent time with last night was a man who was proud of his dark side to the point of bragging. He wasn't showing vulnerability or emotions.

Now again, I know Jeff. To some extent I wonder how much of this was a wall. How much was him trying to show me he's still a bad man to ensure I can't love him? How much was real?

With him, you never really know for sure. He either has two sides or he's a great faker. I often wonder if schizophrenia shouldn't be added to his list.

I suppose I'm somewhat relieved. It put things into perspective a bit for me. It boiled it all down to what it was....sex. Sure, I may have lingering emotions I am clinging to and searching for the man I loved so much once, but ultimately he enjoyed himself by being a man that I could never let my own guard down with.

I'm not saying I won't spend time with him again or that the sex is over, although I can't say I will spend time with him or have sex with him again - but ultimately I did realize he remains the unloveable man.

Yesterday he made a point of emailing me - maintaining that contact we'd shared and it was warm and nice. I'm ready to bet that I will not hear from him at all today. He has to balance it out and withdraw now. I won't be contacting him either. I'm content with keeping the past two days in perspective.

The contact did put me off my sense of longing for a companion and for someone to love. That's probably somewhat dangerous since it's clear to me that as long as Jeff is in my life in any form I can not open myself up to anyone new. On the other hand, it soothed an ache I felt and it's nice to have that too.

Jeff would surprise me if he contacted me today. It would show a connection. He already knows I am busy and won't see him tonight, he has what he needed from me and his MO would be that he should be done with me for the moment.

Honestly, I would be confused if he did contact me.

I realize he still has a lot of control over me. I still have this desire to please him. He could easily keep me on a leash if he chose to, but I'm not sure he wants to do that. When you leash a creature you become responsible for maintaining it and that may be more effort than he's wanting to put forth. It's good for me if he chooses not to because I can maintain my senses slightly better and not give up total control to him.

I know I'm playing with fire. It's sad to realize how much I still do love him in spite of himself. I do also know I could never be with him again in a relationship but it doesn't do much to break his hold on me.