The Talk

Work sucked last night. When I arrived at 5 I was immediately accosted by a host and manager apologizing profusely. A large party of 50 had come in 2 hours later than the time they'd reserved and was taking up my section. It was 2 hours before I could be sat a table and when I should have made at least $80, I actually made only $45. I was furious.

Towards the end of the night Jeff text messaged me asking me to come by to talk, he was feeling down. He specified "no sex" which made me roll my eyes, but I got the sense that he needed to just talk and I went.

We sat on the couch and just talked. He's "cycling down" as he calls it. His break-up with Jill is weighing on him, his job is frustrating him and he's just feeling low. We talked for awhile and I have no idea if it helped or not, but I tried. I was worried about his drinking. I watched him down an entire 6 pack of beer in the first 45 minutes I was there and he'd had two before I arrived. When I left he was not sober. I mentioned my concerns about his drinking to him.

I tried to be sympathetic. I really did. But I have to admit that inside I wanted to scream "You fucked everything up!!!"

Knowing Jeff, I know he needs a partner to help focus him. No one will ever be able to entirely keep him on course, but it does help. This is possibly the worst I have ever seen him and I'm worrying that he's well on his way to a drinking problem. Jeff's not a big drinker - or at least he never has been - so it signals a deeper depression and loss of control to me.

The things he wants and needs in his life - he had. With me. Someone to stand beside him. Someone who understood him. Someone who still loved him despite how difficult it is to love him. Someone who would make him a focus and would be willing to make his dreams their dreams. Someone who was strong enough to stand up to him, but also somewhat submissive enough to let him take the lead (he's a control freak, so this is a delicate balance). Someone who could say "Hey, you own your ex this much money and we need to do this and this to handle it". Someone willing to work to help bridge the gaps in his commissions. Someone willing to center him.

Hell, it's more than that.

Someone willing to get up with him at 4 am when he can't sleep and just sit with him - as I did MANY nights, but who won't require the same of him.

Someone who will give him everything they have in every way but won't expect much back.

And all of this, this elusive and impossible to find thing - he had. With me.

So yes, I am angry that he fucked it up. It can't be undone, it can't be rewritten, it can't be fixed and part of me just wants to scream because he needs me and I need him and neither of us can fully break our ties but he had everything he needed and wanted in me.

I'm not the same girl I was with him. For starters, my expectations of him are far lower. But I also can't ever imagine turning over so much control to someone I can't trust. It's a moot point since 'getting back together' is not an option, but if it were then there would only be new challenges to face because as much as I could do - I can never make him the center of my life again. When the center of your life is ripped away, you crumble and I've been there and done that.

Still, I just want to smack him in the forehead and yell "Stupid!!!"

Life with Jeff was never easy. I didn't like his ex-wife but I understood the importance of his kids and of his financial obligations. I may have disagreed on amounts (and still do) but both Jeff and his ex-wife thought I was just being greedy when my point really was "Hey! You earn X amount of money and owe her X amount of money and unless you have a big commission you can not afford X amount of money so this doesn't work!" No one listened and now he is far behind on paying her. It was never about not paying her. I may have disliked her, but I respected her as his ex and as the mother of his kids.

His kids were issue #2. Not the easiest children. Jeff has a short attention span and isn't the type of dad who finds joy in doing things a kid likes to do. I worked hard to come up with activities to do as a group that kept everyone happy. I planned zoo trips, built forts, grocery shopped to ensure everyone had healthy meals and weren't living on Happy Meals. I did arts and crafts, I tried to plan weekends that did not involve Jeff being on the computer playing poker while the kids roamed the neighborhood or played 27 hours of video games. When his oldest son confessed a tendency to "sneak out" of his mom's house in the middle of the night I began to listen for him at night and would get up and watch him (waking Jeff was impossible). I had many, many conversations with this child at 2 am when I would find him wandering the house. I was not willing to ignore it and let the child watch innapropriate tv shows and I wasn't comfortable knowing we lived on the edge of the Everglades swamp and his wandering outside meant snakes and gators. I busted my ass to make the weekends good for everyone and was usually rewarded with rudeness and the ex-wife bitching about anything from my "instant" mashed potatos to my telling her kids that they could or could not swim (sorry, but if I am supervising them, I should have a say so and if Jeff's occupied and the kids want to swim then I should be able to say "Sure, I can watch you" or "Sorry, I'm doing something now" or even "it's too COLD to swim and you have an earache" without having to deal with the bitchiness)

Fidelity was issue #3. Jeff is not capable of it. I was watchful because I knew this and busted his attempts several times before the end.

It could have been easy. All I ever asked of Jeff was to love me, respect me and be faithful. I didn't expect him to do anything beyond that. I couldn't possibly have made his life any easier.

I can not for one second believe that Jeff is 'better off' without me and now I feel like I am seeing the proof.

But I can't make him love me. Actually I can't make him love anyone. Jeff's only capable of appreciating what works for him and while he can fake love, he doesn't actually feel it.

But I still love him. And if there was a way, I'd do whatever I could to make everyone happy - the ex, the kids, Jeff, my family, Taylor - everyone. Me included ideally.

But I am not magic. I can't make this a reality. I can't change what happened. I can't fix a mess that I did not make. I can't bring this man back into my life this way with my friends, family and daughter opposing it. I can't defend him to them and he's not a 'big' enough man to do it himself.

All I can do is feel angry that what I still believe was a good thing for us all was destroyed beyond repair and occasionally I can sit with Jeff and watch him try to keep himself together all the while wishing I could be the person to help him put it back together and knowing I can't be.

But here's what hurts...the situation is unique. Jeff is hardly even human and requires a partner who understands him and is strong enough to work to overcome it. I was so deeply in love with him that I can't even imagine ever being with someone else and I was happy to be that partner. I did understand him and I did have the strength to fight. The odds of him finding another person willing to stand beside him the way I did and have are almost impossible. Even after what he did to me, I've been there for him at every turn.

Part of me wonders why he can't see that. Part of me realizes it doesn't matter if he did.

He lost me. It was a greater loss to him than to me. I offered him everything. I was good to him. He gave me nothing and was only concerned with himself.

I can find another person to be there for me even if I don't feel that same intensity and love I have for him.

He's never going to find another person who understands, accepts and still stands beside him.

And he'll continue to slide downhill...while I watch and mourn.