Just Blue

After such an incredible night, you wouldn't think I could feel blue today, would you?

But I do.

In ways, last night was like a brutal therapy.

First of all, if you aren't familiar with Blue October you really are missing out. I have never in my life been a huge fan of any one particular group but I am a devotee of B.O. And their current album Foiled is practically a diary of my relationship with Jeff - in some of the most eerie ways.

The lead singer and songwriter, Justin, has battled mental problems, depression and addictions for most of his life. You only have to hear a song to hear Jeff's 'inner voice' speaking and even Jeff himself admits that the songs resonate in him. "I could have written these," he says.

So it was a little hard to re-experience it all. When they closed with Hate Me, a song Jeff still dedicates to me, I had tears on my cheeks. The songs speaks of a tormented man who admits that a woman has been there for him and understood him and begs her to learn to hate him in order to "see what's good" for herself and to prevent him from hurting her again. Jeff and I may get along fine now, but he still seems to wish I would just hate him and disappear even when he puts himself in my path. It's a sort of "save yourself from me" ballad.

Although the lead singer, Justin, and Jeff could be described as one and the same personality-wise. Justin has managed to marry and is expecting his first child. When I spoke with him last night, one woman approached him and asked if she could kiss his cheek and he said "No, I'm married."

Jeff would have never said that.

I drove home alone and I wondered if anyone would ever love me again. I cried some more.

Love has always held a front and center role in my life. I consider it to be of the greatest importance. I consider life without it to be meaningless. A life without love isn't a life at all.

But will I ever love or be loved again?

It's been nearly 5 months and I still cry every day. I think it's safe to say that I am not getting over this.

On my MySpace page, I had an email from a 31 year old man in Greece. He emailed me to say "It's terrible that such a sexy woman is so unhappy". He wrote that based on one - and only one - blog entry I posted where I wrote "Everything hurts" and nothing more.

I'm not so sure about the sexy part, but the unhappy part is true enough.

I am empty. I am lost without a partner to love and anchor me. I feel like I am dying without someone to share my life with. Even as I wrote that, I am surprised by how true it is - that's what this all feels like to me...a slow death. Like a piece of me dies every day.

Working two jobs and playing single mother leaves me no time to go out and meet anyone - and I wouldn't know where to begin anyway. Online dating is not for me - it's tacky and kills the romance of it all.

My life is passing me up daily and I am trapped in a life that can't afford me the luxury of love.

It's only my daughter that keeps me alive at all. If not for her, I would have killed myself a while ago.