I'm Not Sleeping

Somehow the memories of what I saw and heard Saturday night are intensifying for me. In my head I can still hear the screams of "He's stabbing him! He's stabbing him!" and now, when I hear it in my head, I get a full body tremor.

I'm having trouble sleeping.

I did go back to work last night. It was slow - not a lot of people anxious to eat at a crime scene where an employee stabbed another employee over and over with a huge knife.

The interaction between the staff was different. Closer. We'd all been through the same thing. None of us had slept much. There were hugs. There was a LOT of talking - they're really encouraging us to talk to each other and the managers, just not the tables. People recounted what they saw or heard. Most of it was the same. It just depended on where you were in the restaurant.

I was somewhat in the middle of lucky and unlucky. I was lucky to have been in the front section of the kitchen. I heard everything from immediately before to during to after and I froze. I had been heading to the exact spot this happened. Apparently I saw Lamar (the man who was stabbed over 10 times) staggering towards me and somehow I have entirely blocked that memory from my mind. The human mind is a fascinating thing. Apparently there were only 3 of us in the front "alley" of the kitchen at that moment - Kayla, my sister and me and when Lamar tried to flee the kitchen covered in 10+ stab wounds (4 in the neck) and blood running off of him like a river - my sister began to approach him and I yelled at her "Come away from there! Sara! Come away from there!" and she turned and saw me shaking violently and she raced to me. Lamar went back into the kitchen and I never remember seeing him, but I do remember that suddenly there was massive pools of blood on the floor in front of me and I had no idea how they got there. I stood for what seemed like hours staring at the blood and shaking.

I'm getting worked up just writing it all now.

The news reports that the stabbing followed an argument. That's a lie. We all unanimously agree on that. Javi - the man who did the stabbing - is a quiet, sweet and pleasant 43 year old family man. He was apparently having marital problems. Lamar (the victim) apparently passed him and dropped a bag that fell and bumped Javi's foot and Javi picked up the largest meat-cutting knife we have (think Psycho knife) and just began to stab Lamar over and over.

I heard yelling. I heard crashing as pots, pans and the meat slicer fell to the ground with Lamar. I heard someone yell "He's stabbing him! He's stabbing him!" and I heard Lamar saying "What did I do? What did I do?"

Javi was pulled off of him after Lamar had been stabbed over 10 times, 4 times in the neck. How Lamar is alive right now is a fucking miracle. Lamar had a baby 3 weeks ago with his wife.

Javi was locked in the managers office where he sat quietly and dazed waiting for the police. Towels and linens were held on Lamar and they shouted at him to keep him conscious.

Half my co-workers were covered in blood. There was so much blood. My manager's pants were soaked and stained, employee shirts were spattered and stained and the floor...the floor was pools of it.

I didn't go in the back. I didn't see how much blood was back there. I'm told it was bad.

I have to admit that I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. I am so shaken and upset and confused and afraid. I know Javi is in jail, but I keep thinking that if I bump someone they could stab me to death. I'm afraid. I'm traumatized.

Drama does seem to follow me. You have to be asking if I am making this shit up. I am not. As hard as it is for even me to believe - I am not making this up. I wish to god I was. I wish this was some elaborate story I made up and that I wasn't sitting here shivering and feeling like my body could split into a million pieces any second.

The local reaction got under my skin. The news story in the Sun-Sentinel allows pepole to post comments and they ranged from tasteless jokes to racist remarks on "spics and spooks" and the scum bags that work in the kitchens.

Not our kitchen. I love my co-workers.

I am not angry at Javi. I don't think I am afraid of him although when they led him past me in cuffs, I almost put myself through a wall backing away. Javi has kids and I am worried about his family. Javi just snapped and after what I have been through myself, I think that I can understand. I wish I knew he had been having problems. I wish I had had a chance to talk to him about how many times I felt that same feeling of losing my mind only to hang on to my daughter to keep myself together. I wish I could have told him to do that. I wish I could have helped. I wish I had not been frozen in fear. I wish I could have stopped him. I wish I could have saved Lamar. I wish I could have saved everyone who is feeling like I am right now. My friends...my co-workers - the people I spend almost every night with...they're all hurting too and none of us know what the fuck to do.

I do seem to experience life-changing trauma after trauma, don't I? Roofs falling on my head in the middle of hurricanes, losing babies, dating sociopaths...and that's just in the past 2-3 years. Don't get me started on my childhood.

Am I jinxed? Am I drawing these things to me? Am I a danger to people?

I have so many thoughts - all so scattered. I am so screwed up right now.