Swing Away
I think I posted a week ago about a co-worker who I had confided in about Jeff that told me "I can't make you stop, I can't tell you what to do because you will do it anyway. But he hurt you before and he'll hurt you again and when you have had enough, you will stop".
I think I understand now. It's time to say goodbye.
I went to Jeff's house after work last night again. We ate dinner together - I had brought a few things from the restaurant - and then chatted and ended up with the backrub foreplay. God, it feels so good when he rubs my back.
He gave me a great massage and we were giggling and playing like kids. He was straddling me as he rubbed and I eventually turned over under him and he continued to straddle me. He leaned in and began to kiss me.
Again, it was different.
He took his time kissing me. My mouth, my face, my neck...as far as sex goes, it was passionate and somewhat tender and really nice. After it was over, he continued to kiss me for a bit before rolling aside and lying beside me talking for a bit.
Eventually I left.
I love him. I know that I do. The sound of his voice, the kiss, the touch, the feel of him...I love him. I don't choose to love him, but I am in love with him in ways I never knew. Ways that overtake me. Ways that push my common sense aside and let me succumb to him just to have a moment with him.
I love him.
It seemed easy at first. I love him, he's willing to use me - why not enjoy it for a bit?
It's stopped being easy.
I know as soon as I left he was probably online picking up other women. I know that he either does not love me or does not realize he loves me. Either way. I know this is doomed.
And I am only hurting myself, lowering my value, giving him my heart again when he is not deserving of it.
The bottom line is that I know that I have to stop. The question on my mind is whether or not I tell him that I am stopping and why or just start avoiding him. Do I tell him "Hey, listen - I know this is easy for you but I'm in love with you and this isn't right for me. I can't give you myself when you don't hold me in any value and I can't do this anymore"? Do I just try to avoid him?
I came to this decision last night. This morning my horoscope summed it up for me...
You have very real feelings of insecurity that can prevent you from letting go. The Moon in your 12th House of Endings, though, gives you an opportunity to dig into the hidden corners of your mind and to release old wounds now. This profound work can be done while multitasking in the real word, so keep one foot on dry land while you are exploring your inner realms.
Maybe this all served to give me closure. Maybe leaving him with a kiss instead of anger was the purpose after all. Maybe I am going to better be able to let go now that I can do so gently instead of with force and fire.
In other news, work was very funny last night.
Meet Chris. Chris is a young, punk of a line cook. A solidly built guy who is rough to say the least. Outspoken, tough - the sort of guy you know would probably slash your tires if you pissed him off - and our line cooks are easily pissed off.
I'm pretty sure I commented on him awhile back. He has beautiful eyes and I have enjoyed just watching him. I told a few close co-workers that I thought he had such beautiful eyes and they were all shocked. "Chris?????" they would gasp.
Sunday night, at closing time, a host-promoted-to-waiter was doing his closing sidework which was coffee. He was cleaning the machines and he asked me what else he needed to do. I handed him a pitcher and told him to empty the hot water in the machines and showed him how the hot water levers on the front would pour out the water. For those of you that don't know, the joke is that the machines are connected to water lines and no matter how long he went, he was never going to 'empty' them. No one saw or heard me do this prank, but moments later Chris walked by and pulled the same gag which really sealed the deal.
We were doubled over in laughter. Later I told Chris that I had commented on his beautiful eyes and what the reactions had been and he was torn between flattered and offended by the responses. He kept saying "That's not right!"
Last night, I noticed I had Chris's full attention. He was full of chatty comments and clearly had enjoyed my flattery and was like a puppy back for more treats. The normally cantankerous guy was in my way at every turn with cutesy jokes and the like.
Once he was in the kitchen and I needed a cutting board by his knees. I bent to get it and he said, "Hey, I don't know you that well yet!" and I told him I knew he'd have a comment. He argued that I shouldn't see him as predictable and I told him every guy was. He told me he wasn't 'every guy'.
Isn't that what 'every guy' says?
We had a conversation about age and he revealed that he is 22. TWENTY-FUCKING-TWO. Part of me was mortified while part of me though "Hmmm...boy toy".
When I dropped a plate and a meal had to be recooked - he did it without comment. Normally I would have been abused.
When I ordered a to-go at close for me and Jeff, he asked if it was for me. I admitted it was and he VERY nicely remarked that we were supposed to ring them in 30 minutes before close. His fellow cooks stopped dead in their tracks and stared. One commented, "Damn...Chris, if that had been me you would have been harder on me!"
I smiled at him and said "You can be harder on me".
His face was priceless. He got the innuendo in one beat and he said "Dude...I'm 22 - you can't say things like that to me!!!"
He didn't mean it as in "it was innappropriate" - he meant it as in he could be easily 'fired up'. You had to hear the delivery to get that.
Still, it was comical to realize I'm getting better at the flirting.
To sum it up, flirting for fun = good and Jeff = bad.
I have to pull back from him now. I have to let go. I have to let it hurt, let myself ache and accept that I'm worth more than this. I'm good to him, I am there for him, I am kind to him and he is willing to fuck me - sometimes tenderly - and then release me so he can invite other girls out to dinner and such.
Sorry, but shouldn't I be the one getting the dinner invites? Not that it would be smart, but still ---
I know it will hurt. I know I will cry again. I know another piece of my heart is breaking. But I also know it's time.
6 comments:
Your blog caught my attention awhile back- who knows how long ago. It doesn't matter. The 'net' for having my attention was that you so remind me of my own mother. I've given you comments that do NOT suggest that I like you because I don't. We don't know each other and I don't have a blog for you to read, so that's that. You DO have a blog to read and I read because you give me insight into my own family saga. When I mention Taylor it is because in essence, I am Taylor.
Did you know that Kelly Clarksons, "Because of You" was a song she wrote about her mom?
My comments have been my experience and by saying something every once in awhile gives me hope for Taylor that you just might stop being so destructive towards yourself and the child you are teaching every moment you breathe.
I'm good to him, I am there for him, I am kind to him and he is willing to fuck me - sometimes tenderly - and then release me so he can invite other girls out to dinner and such.
Replace "and such" with the true word
Read the paragraph over and over and over
It doesn't matter how real and true and deep you believe your emotions and feeling for him are.
If he's not returning real and true and deep feelings for you - it's NOT REAL
Chel
Kelly fan: That makes sense for you. You are projecting your feelings here. You know absolutely nothing about what goes on between my daughter and I. I do not write about her here for a reason. Actually, truth be told, no one in my life knows. I keep it very hidden and close to me. You don't know me, you only know the thoughts I share here.
If you knew me, you would know that I plaster the biggest, fake smile on my face ever. When I waitress, my customers remark over and over on what a "star" I am, how pleasant and cheerful.
I hide what hurts me.
Yes, Taylor saw me get hurt initially when I left Jeff. There was no hiding it. There is nothing I can do about it. But what she sees now is that her and mom are a team and we are both excited about our new place. She sees a mom that works hard to provide for her. A mom that takes her to the beach and movies and has tickle fights and goes to restaurants for dessert only.
I'm sorry for your own mother situation, I can relate. But you ARE projecting.
Chel - you are right that it's not 'real' for him. My feelings are most definitely independent of his.
I'm not really sure what your point here is...? Are you suggesting my own feelings are not real? Seriously? Just because my feelings are not returned does not make how *I* feel less valid.
I know Jeff doesn't love me. He doesn't love anyone. He isn't capable of it.
I also love shooting stars and butterflies - I'm pretty sure that they don't feel the same - does that mean I am deluding myself and my love of them is 'fake'?
Maybe I misunderstood what you meant, but my point here is that my love for Jeff was always unconditional. It's not based on him returning the feeling or earning it or even deserving it. (I wish it was!!!) Having said that, is it still, in a sense, destructive? Sure...it hurts me often.
It's like a parent loving a teenager. They're total asses most of the time, but you don't decide you don't love them over it. When they scream "I HATE YOU" it doesn't do anything to your love, it just breaks your heart a little...
You are not getting the dinner dates because you don't "require" them. You brought him dinner and more. I bet you will get an invitation to dinner to "talk" if you tell him it's over rather than just avoiding him. He strikes me as the type of guy who can really turn on the charm if he's getting dumped.
Can you avoid him anyway since you have to get all of your stuff that's at "his" house ready to move?
A boytoy will certainly divert your attention away from the poisonous Jeff.
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