Connections

Whoa...

Can you be "hung over" from sipping a soda on a patio for 4 hours with a friend? If so, I swear that I am. I woke with a headache and fuzzy feeling.

I'm a tad sorry I didn't join 'the gang' after work last night. It would have been fun to continue my flirtation with John a bit more, but ultimately I had a great time just talking with Kayla even more.

Kayla and I really connected last night and our conversation was long and deep and honest and I think we both left feeling like it had been something special. She may be 15 years my junior, but Kayla is pretty sharp for her age and I'd hang out with her again anytime.

My connection with John is more a silly thing. I have to clarify it a bit just to be clear.

John is the only one there that's in my age group. He's neither attractive or unattractive but average looking. He's nice, a bit of a pain from time to time. He's an older man living like he was a 20-something year old kid. He's not even remotely on the spectrum for what attracts me to a guy.

But I've had fun flirting a little with him and seeing his reactions. One minute he'll be obnoxious and then I will flirt and a few minutes later he's teasing me and playing. He responds. I can see that my arrows hit their mark with him.

Had I gone last night, I imagine he would have had too much to drink and the flirting would have escalated.

I'm not worried about tangling with a co-worker this way because it's not as if either of us has feelings for the other beyond just getting along. I strongly suspect that in extreme circumstances if we had spent a night of heavy petting we'd both show up at work as if it had never happened and that's just fine.

For me, it really is nothing more than enjoying the games, the banter and the fun of flirting. I get the sense that it's the same for him.

Still, it's pretty funny to realize that I inadvertantly scored last night because he is bound to be confused that I was a 'no show'.

Talking with Kayla about Jeff was amazing. She just got it. There were times I would be talking and my own emotions would well up and her eyes would fill with tears. She was in the moment with me. She also holds no punches and won't hesitate to tell me I'm being selfish by even thinking about him.

I feel no real desire to communicate with Jeff today. The time away from him always brings me clarity and I feel clear now. It's when I see him or talk to him that he skirts my defenses and makes me feel like a drug addict chasing a high. After I see him, I long to see him again. When I manage to get away from him briefly I begin to miss him less. For example, right now I don't know if or when I will see him again and I don't really care.

But if he were to call, I'd go. I'd spend the next few days pining.

So my flirtation with John actually serves to distract me...

My friend Todd would call it a "love removal machine".

I just hope it works.