Deep

Work was somewhat fun...

There's this co-worker (John), I mentioned before, my flirtatious one. It's subtle. VERY subtle. But it's there and I am sure we both feel it.

I'm pretty sure there's a hook-up in our future.

Tonight he invited me out with 'the gang' - a big step for him. I was excited and raring to go. When I got off, I sat to chat with another co-worker (Kayla) and my night took a turn.

Kayla is 19 and I've always liked her. We started talking innocently enough and before I knew it - 5 hours had passed. We sat on the restaurant patio and talked for 5 HOURS. When I spoke of Jeff, there were times that her eyes filled with tears. Kayla understood...whether from experience or empathy - she understood it.

I never made it to my 'date' which I imagine will puzzle John even more. When he asks me, I will give him the same answer he once gave me. Only better. I will step close to him, look him in the eye and smile just a little and say, "Because I knew what would happen if I went..." and then one final look before I walk away with a smile.

I've missed flirting.

The good thing is - no Jeff tonight. I did chat in IMs with him today. It was easy to talk to Kayla about it all and know she really did understand me. I'm home now and I don't feel that same 'pull' to Jeff.

Distance makes it easy. If I don't see or speak to him, I am safe. But when I see him - I lose control.

Because I still love him.

Even while I contemplate a mock-seduction of John, in my head I know I remain emotionally unavailable to any other man.

I gave my heart away. I never got it back and it's been long destroyed. Still - no one can ever inspire the intensity I felt for Jeff and anything less will never do.

Talking to Kayla was fun though - I really like her. :)