Explaining/Exploring
The details of yesterday are a little clearer now - for you anyway. I was too upset to explain myself well yesterday.
Basically, Brad called me and I knew right away that there was a 'tone'. He asked me why the hell I was going to Jeff's house every night. I asked him where he was getting this information and he wouldn't say.
He told me he felt like a chump helping watch Taylor while I worked so much and I was running off to see Jeff. I corrected him in that at no time has he ever watched Taylor while I was at Jeff's house. The only times I went was after work when Taylor was asleep, in bed and under my stepfather's supervision.
He seemed to be under the impression that I was moving back to be with Jeff. I was stunned by this one. That's not even on the scope of reality.
We argued everything from past to present. I told him I had questioned my feelings for him and that I had extended him no less than 497 invitations to try to get to spend time with him and figure out my feelings...all of which he declined. He said "Well, you have to understand..." and I said that I did understand perfectly. He didn't owe me anything and I know I hurt him and I was his Jeff. I get it.
The most important point I tried to make was this...
I work no less than 80 hours a week. I wake at 6 am Monday through Friday to drive my daughter 1 hour round trip to her old school. I get home by 8 am just in time to start work. Usually I am 5-10 minutes late and I get yelled at every single day for it.
At 4:15 pm I take the world's fastest shower and hope my day job phone doesn't ring during that time. If I miss a call, I get yelled at.
At 5 pm, I race at top speed out of the house to drive 30 minutes to my night job. I am always exactly 7 minutes late. I never get yelled at for it. I do my hair and make-up in the car at red lights.
At 5:30 I begin my 2nd job (ok, 5:37) where for 4.5 hours I run around refilling drinks, taking orders, bussing tables and trying to charm my tables into a 20%+ tip. No matter how tired I am, I must always be smiling and cheery and witty. My tables can never know that I am starving while I serve them prime rib.
Somewhere between 10:30 and 11 I am finally done. I finish up and leave. On an average night, I go home where I stumble up stairs and trip over 37 things in my bedroom in the dark. I typically manage to peel off my socks and my shirt and sleep in my bra and my work pants.
Then I wake up and do it again. And again. And again.
When I have time to think, I hurt. You honestly can't imagine how isolated I feel or how much I need someone to just hug me or kiss me or even just talk to me and make me laugh.
I have no time to 'meet' people. I did make the decision not to date anyone right now. I don't even want to consider introducing a new person into my circus life.
So, when Jeff was emailing me and when he asked me to come by - I went. Partly out of curiousity. When he rubbed my back it was the most amazing gift....I hadn't been touched in many months and my back is always sore.
When we talked, we laughed.
When we kissed, I melted.
When he hugged me, it was like clinging to life.
Essentially the very "evil" Jeff managed to provide some very basic and essential touches that I was withering and dying without. For a few days I didn't have to feel lonely anymore. I even laughed real laughs. I can't deny it - it was fun.
I needed it so much.
Brad tried to describe his own loneliness and I had to correct him...he had his family giving him FULL support. He had his friends - many of them - vying for time with him. His social life took off because he was suddenly free to go party and play. Mine withered and died because I work 7 days a week.
So, it fucking pisses me off that he would dare to judge me. What exactly did he have to be angry about. He doesn't want me - he made it clear and I do not blame him. He doesn't want me to bring Jeff back into our daughter's life (an opinion I have ALWAYS fully agreed with and have abided by - my daughter has no idea I've even spoken to Jeff) and he doesn't want me reconciling with Jeff (no worries, Jeff dates other women and does not date me).
I recognize how pathetic the situation is. I truly do. I am seeking whatever comfort I can and the only person who offered it is Jeff.
Truth be told, the sex was secondary. It was just being kissed, touched, having my back rubbed or talking that lit me up inside and made me feel semi-alive again and human instead of robotic and exhausted.
It eased some pain for me. I was able to be more cheerful. I was able to feel better.
You know what really was the best? The night I just curled up on the couch beside Jeff and cried. I cried for a million reasons - being tired, afraid, stressed and drained. He didn't make me talk. He didn't lecture me on how strong I need to be. He just stroked my hair and let me cry and when I was done, he hugged me.
I have been strong. I have pushed myself harder than ever before in my life. But, damnit, I needed someone to let me just feel something - anything - again and the only person who seemed to understand that was Jeff.
My family is not supportive. My dad is my daytime boss. He screams at me for 8 hours a day for everything - things the other employees or customers do, for being 10 minutes late, for leaving at 5 when he feels like I should work nights (for free) for him instead...my mother is consistantly absent, my sister is busy with her wedding next month and my best friend is in North Carolina and dealing with her own drama.
Did I mention I was exhausted? I keep losing weight. It doesn't matter that I eat nothing but crap on the run. I bought black pants for work a couple of weeks ago and the damned things are already too big. They're a size 8. I needed a new work uniform shirt and I had to take a 'medium' (my breasts are still large enough to require a medium MINIMUM) over my usual 'large'. I'll likely be a size 6 in a few more weeks. Through no effort. Considering I was a size 14 when this started...it's a lot. You would think I would be ecstatic but I am just tired of buying new clothes that I can not afford.
I know that playing with Jeff is like playing with fire. Believe me, I know. But when you are shivering and bone-cold, fire can be mighty handy at warming you up and I needed it.
I still do, but I have made the decision on my own to move past Jeff. I can't swear I won't go back to his house for comfort some night. I can't swear I won't sleep with him again.
Ultimately, the decision and all of it's consequences are mine and mine alone. ALONE. A word I am coming to know well.
2 comments:
don't let everyone bring you down - but don't forget some of us just say what we do because we care, not to be snarky (is that a word?) - everybody needs love and you took some - so what as long as you protect yourself emotionally and physically - hugs
This is all so sad. You want Jeff but realize that he's not right for you. Brad wants you but know that you can't/shouldn't be together again. Jeff wants something that he can never find. And everyone is unhappy.
As I was reading your account your conversation with Brad it felt like I was back in high school. He doesn't want you because you don't want him. But he doesn't like the thought of you with someone else. Just like you were the only one that believed that you were over Jeff, he's the only one that believes that he's over you. The quicker and more vehemently he denies it, the less convinced I am that it's true. If he's got a problem with what you are doing, he needs to own up to it as his own and not say it's because of Taylor. That's convenient, but it's not true.
That's not to say that you can reconcile, just that he needs to admit it to you (and himself) so that it can be dealt with and you can go on about your joint task of parenting Taylor. He's just being stubborn, and that's causing problems that nobody needs, especially Taylor. If I lived in South Florida, I'd take him out for a drink or two and slap some sense into his head. There's no rule in life that says that everything is going to be perfect forever with people that you love. Sometimes, you just have to accept that it was not meant to be and move on. It doesn't mean that you won't always have feelings for them; just that, for whatever reason, it's not going to work out.
I can understand that he's lonely and misses his family; but he needs to stop trying to distract himself by playing with his buddies, etc. and fix the problem (i.e. truly accept the situation and move on). He reminds me of a guy I know that got divorced and spent all his time teasing us married men about how he had his freedom; and all of the fun that he was out having, and how we all should "just dumper her" whenever we had any disagreements with our SOs; and the next thing, we knew, he was getting married again. He's felt sorry for himself for long enough; its time to move on.
You didn't really need to "feel his wrath." You're a grown woman capable of making your own decisions. He let his jealousy get the better of him and stepped over the line. He can't abdicate on one hand and lecture on the other. I don't know how you handled things but I'm sure that you did better than most other people would have. As I said earlier, he needs to have a come to Jesus with you, unfortunately, he needs to do so with himself first. I sincerely hope that for yours and his and most importantly Taylor's sake that it happens soon.
You are seriously in need of a vacation. Are you still on schedule to move into your new place at the need of the month? After you do so, will you be able to cut back on your hours at the restaurant any?
And remember, what cassee01 said. Even if we disagree with what you do sometimes; we come here because we care.
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