Recovering

I continue to feel a bit better even though the signs of stress and depression are on me. I'm dying to sleep all day and not sleep at all during the night.

I'm feeling better day by day about the stabbing last weekend too. I think the closer bond we're all sharing at work has really made a difference.

Last night, Jeff was out of town and due back late at night. When I picked Taylor up, I took a moment to spend an hour in the house just reading and relaxing while she played with her friends. The house smelled awful and I lit a candle just to be able to breathe. He'd left dirty dishes all over the place and something was rotting away. Still, it was nice to relax there. I remember looking around and thinking "I was happy here" with a touch of sadness.

The counselor encourages us to go to a happy place in our mind when the memories of the stabbing surface. I didn't know how to tell her that I can't go back to my happy place.

Brad accepted an invite to join Taylor and I for a quick dinner. He was still standoffish but he went.

It made me shake my head...two men. One who doesn't care about me, but is great at pretending that he does and one who supposedly does care about me but is great at pretending he doesn't.

I was just about to hit bed when I remembered the candle. Did I blow it out? I have a terrible habit of forgetting...I was sure I had left it burning. I cursed and swore for a bit and then after I put Taylor to bed I headed back.

When I arrived, Jeff was home. I cursed and swore some more and then called him to say I was out front. He had me come in and we sat and watched TV for a bit. We're a fan of most of the same shows, so it was comfortable and relaxing to just hang out that way. He sat close and sprawled across the couch in a way to be sure he leaned against me.

He hugged me when I left. It made me think back to earlier in the night...I went to hug Brad (who had his arms folded) and he kept them folded as I hugged him.

It feels like there are already two men that I love in my life - how could there ever be room for someone new? The trouble is that neither man can love me back.

I really wish I had someone special in my life.

Speaking of - there's a bizarre online thing going on for me right now.

About two months ago, a guy contacted me on MySpace and for some odd reason we began to chat - I almost NEVER chat online with people. He'd been through much the same as me and was broken up and we connected right away on a friends level. We talked about meeting for lunch someday and then he and his wife tried (unsuccessfully) to reconcile.

Over the past two months, this guy (Brian) and I keep bumping into one another online. He stumbled on my old Yahoo Personals ad. I accidentally came across his new MySpace page. With billions of people online - we have accidentally (without looking) run across each other dozens of times.

He's local and we're both interested in friends only talk. No friends-with-benefits, no romance, nothing more than friends. I think we may finally meet up since we ended up in contact again last night. It just strikes me as odd the way he keeps turning up.

He's still hung up on his wife, just as I am still hung up on the men in my life. I'm sure we'll have much to talk about...

The restaurant I work in plays country music all night - this song keeps running through my head:

Ain't it just like one of us to pick up the phone
and call after a couple drinks
And say: "How you been?
I been wonderin' if maybe you've been thinkin' 'bout me."

And somewhere in the conversation,
an old familiar invitation always arrives,

And I may hate myself in the morning,
but I'm gonna love you tonight.

Everyone's known someone
that they just can't help but want;
And even though we just can't make it work out,
well the want-to lingers on.
So once again we wind up in each other's arms,
pretending that it's right,

And I may hate myself in the morning,
but I'm gonna love you tonight.

I know it's wrong,
but it ain't easy moving on.
So why can't two friends
remember the good times once again?

Tomorrow when I wake up,
be feeling a little guilty,
and a little sad,
Thinkin' how it used to be
before everything went bad.

And I guess that's what it is,
in lonely late night calls like this,
that we try to find;

And I may hate myself in the morning,
but I'm gonna love you tonight.
I may hate myself in the morning,
but I'm gonna love you tonight.