Stage 2
Anger has set in.
Fuck you.
Here's the deal. I screwed up my marriage by falling in love with a professional con artist who made me believe in the moon and stars. Karma hit hard and I got what I deserved and I have been punished.
But enough is enough.
I'm sick of the people around me who expect me to be so strong. I'm not always so strong and you've only made it feel like I let you down when I cry. I try to be strong, but I am lonely and scared and full of pain and no one has a right to expect me to just get over it.
Yes, I went to Jeff. I was lonely and he let me in. For about a week and a half that makes him the ONE fucking person in my life who reached out to me.
Brad behaved like I had cheated on him all over again. He forgets that I reached out to him and was denied (rightfully so) yet he blames me for enjoying the ONE brief period of attention anyone paid to me.
My Texan commenter blames me for feeling anything at all.
Look, I get up - I work. I finish and go to work AGAIN. I come home. I sleep. I spend time with my daughter, I work my ass off to provide for us -but somewhere SOMEHOW I deserve to have someone pay attention to ME. Someone to care how MY day was or to invite ME to talk or hang out.
So, I did it. I enjoyed every damned minute of something I had been STARVING for. I called it off because of my own reasons, but I don't have to explain it or justify it to ANYONE.
I spent the holidays alone. I spend every fucking day alone. Other than my daughter, I have no companionship at all and YES it HURTS.
I wasn't cheating, I wasn't neglecting my sleeping and supervised child, I wasn't ducking work or shirking my responsibilities...I was letting ONE person who SOUGHT me out pay attention to me. No, I'm not thrilled that it turned out to be Jeff but there is a certain irony in the fact that he ended up being the only one there.
I'm done explaining myself to anyone. My obligations are met, my duties are fulfilled and so-FUCKING-what if I spent a few nights letting someone I once loved very much shower ME with attention?????
It's over by my choice - and if I change my mind again and let one more night happen at some point - that's MY damned choice - but you know what???
For the first fucking time in 4 MONTHS I got to NOT be so damned lonely and it was worth it.
4 comments:
Please don't take this as being negative, because it isn't. I get you, know where you're coming from, walked this road ... whatever cliche works to get my point across.
The question is, didn't you, of your own accord, shut yourself off to any attention/affection/emotion from others? You said you wanted to build walls up around you to keep people out. Did you not think that would be lonley?
And honestly, Brad is an idiot if he doesn't see what he has in front of him. Yes, you made a mistake, but then again ... so did he.
You wanted a reaction from Brad (as did all of the hopeless romantics out there in blogland). I'm sorry that it turned out to be jealousy. You look at Jeff as the one person that reached out to you. I look at him as the one person that did not honor your wishes. You said that you weren't ready for a relationship and asked for people to keep their distance. If Brad had reciprocated, you would have probably freaked. So, he was in a no win situation. To be sure, Brad is not handling the situation the best. But I don't think very many men would. Jeff is the devil so far as he is concerned.
Brad has been punished too. No matter how brave of a face that he pus on, I'm, sure he'd rather have his marriage/family back too. He got the ball rolling with his on-line indiscretions; but that doesn't mean that he was/is devoid of feelings for you. The only "winner" in the whole situation is Jeff.
Jeff is bad for you which is something even you admit. To be honest, I feel that he is even more problematical than what you have shared here. Everyone who reads here and cars about you is trying to walk the fine line between being supportive of your end goal (being free of Jeff's clutches) and not overly critical of your intermediate actions (having booty calls). Relationships are complicated even when you are intimately aware of what's going on. It's hard to find the right balance; especially with the limited knowledge that your readers have.
So far as Brad goes, he really needs to have a "come to Jesus" talk with you. It strikes me hat there are some things that he is feeling/thinking that he needs to get out in the open. You two are indelibly joined for at least the next eight years. And even after Taylor is grown, there will still be family events, etc.
You don't have to justify/explain yourself to us. But it seems like this post is as much trying to justify your actions to yourself as it is to us.
Ditto to what City Boy said.
I'd only add that you repeatedly stated that Jeff is the ONLY one to reach out & pay attention to you.
Read through your blog. It isn't the case. It's like you make Jeff out to be some sort of kind saviour to you, when in fact he is the very opposite. PLEASE do not kid yourself when it comes to him CARING.
Chel
Chel - I know you keep commenting wanting me to see how awful he is and I have to tell you that I really do. I suppose in a sense it's like some bizarre Stockholm syndrome. I know he doesn't care about me, but him faking it (and faking it VERY well like he does) is so much better than nothing.
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