Today

A lot has happened.

First, last Friday I had the procedure done. In a last minute and rather surprising display of conscience, Jeff insisted on being the one to take me. He actually did well keeping me calm and distracted during the wait and even asked if he could be present in the room for the procedure (not allowed) - but he was willing to go the distance to be there. I appreciated it. After, I slept it off and spent most of Saturday in bed.

Over the weekend, Jeff moved. He moved to another city on the opposite side of the county. I felt it the minute he was gone. It hurt. I went to the old house and wandered the rooms and just cried yet another river.

In the meantime...

A guy I once knew in high school has resurfaced in my life. He was a tall, nice and lanky kid. A band geek. We once played a game called "Gotcha" among the high school seniors and he was my "target". I had to tag him with a rubber dart gun and take his target to stay in the game.

I followed his car after school one day and when he pulled into a bank drive-through I jumped out of my car and "held him up" at rubber dart gunpoint until he surrendered. It was a funny moment.

He found me on MySpace and liked my pictures. He's a police officer in my area now and no longer geeky by any stretch. He's actually pretty damned cute and charming as hell.

Even more interesting he's really interested in me.

We've had long talks and there seems to be a bit of a connection. He's ready to date me.

I'm still not over Jeff. It hurts like hell to realize it.

Who knows where things will go. Maybe the cop will wear me down and this time I'll be the one to surrender.

Maybe I'll go on forever loving Jeff and feeling like I lost someone I loved deeply.

It's not that I don't try to put him out of my head. I do. But reminders are everywhere. A repeat of a tv show that I remember watching with him, my head in his lap in our usual tv watching position. A song we liked. A joke we shared. I'll reach in a drawer to throw on a white t-shirt and realize it's his.

He's everywhere in my life even when he's gone. I find myself wondering what if (as awful as he was) he was my great love, my soul mate and I am doomed to live loving him and never being loved back?

What if I can never forget?

What if it hurts forever?

When I asked how long it would take to get over him, most people said it's half the time you were together. 6 months for every year.

It's been six months. I'm not even close.

When?