That Damned Feeling

As usual, I am a trainwreck. I think I often make Anna Nicole Smith look serene.

Yesterday found me in an emotionally deep email exchange with Jeff. I admit that I started it by telling him I was still in love with him. He responded by talking about his feelings and revealing more of his depression. A co-worker of his was killed in an accident and he was wishing it had been him. The very thought had me crying.

Nothing has changed. I still love him and he still feels like he's waiting to die. He did reveal that it was the depth of his feeling for me that made him feel like he had to end things. He said he felt like he would destroy me. True as it may be, it still sounds like a line to me.

On another hand...

My conversations with the cop continue. There definitely seems to be some sort of connection and he seems to be hoping that it will transpire into something. Somehow, he actually makes me smile and I'm not feeling pressured. Occasionally I do feel like he's moving faster than is realistic, but I just try to keep a pace that I can be comfortable with.

In conversations, we talk for hours and it flows easily. I get text messages from him that say things like "I find myself looking forward to hearing your voice again!" or even just smiley faces.

It might be a little quick for such attention considering we haven't had a date yet but I have to admit that it makes me smile a little just the same. There are no butterflies but I think that's fair.

We have plans to meet after work Saturday night. We'll see.

On the humorous side - the cop, who deserves to be named (Bryan), works for a local force that my sister has friends on. She got a bit protective yesterday and dropped by to ask about him. She got a bit of a scoop in "great guy" "VERY cute" "flirt" and a bit of a ladies man. She was sworn to secrecy but told them she'd be telling me. I was apalled that she did this and I confesed it to Bryan who found it amusing. My honesty paid off. Bryan's co-workers - who are apparently big gossips - went running to him to tell him about the inquiry. Lucky he found it pretty funny. Still, he plans to teach my nosy sister a lesson and she may find parking stickers on her truck next time she works (far better than the original idea I begged him out of where he was going to tow her car to the other side of the plaza).

It's been fun, nice and a little sweet to have this attention. But I have to admit that I know I am not over Jeff and I can't help wondering if it's fair to even see someone else when my hearts still so taken with another.

Why are emotions so complicated?