Small Hours

There are moments in my days - in every day - when I think to myself it's not worth it - it's not worth living without him.

There are more moments where my obligations as a mother keep me alive.

Occasionally, a shocking moment of clarity enters the picture - I spent so much time thinking I needed to save him - is it really that I have always needed him to save me?

The truth is that I don't want to live without him. I don't want to move on, find someone else, fall in love again. I don't want to forget. I don't want to let go.

What I want is to either be back in his heart or to die.

But I won't.

Because there's only one other person in this world that I love this much. My daughter. And I know her well enough to know she'd be destroyed if she lost me. As much as I sometimes think she'd be better off without me - I know she'd crumble. I won't do that to her.

So for me, life is a lot like a job you hate. I get up everyday and do the things I have to do. Eventually I go to sleep. Then I wake up and do it again.

I have nothing ahead that inspires me. I have no hopes, no dreams, no goals, no reasons to get excited.

I just exist.

I know Jeff isn't coming back. If he did, I have no idea if it could work anyway.

So I just keep going.

But deep inside, the place that only this blog knows about - I hurt so much. Tomorrow is 6 months to the day that we broke up...I still cry every damned day. Not just a small tear, but deep, soul-racking sobs when I am alone and no one can see me. The kind where you can feel your heart ripping to pieces all over again.

The sort of hurt I seem to feel constantly strikes me as so deeply abnormal. The fact that Jeff is my every waking thought is not normal. My inability to feel anything beyond pain is not normal.

Remember when Brad cheated on me and I thought I was "broken"?

Damn. I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. This is broken. Broken beyond repair.

I tried so hard to save Jeff. I'd give anything for him to come back and save me.

He is/was a monster. He did horrible things. He hurt me beyond what I knew was possible...

And still, I am so deeply in love with him that I can't find a way out of this hole.

So, I wish I could die and be free. Because I don't see any other way to be free.

Do you ever wonder if you will click this blog and find my obituary?

I don't have the luxury of suicide, so I keep going for my daughter. But it's a lot like walking barefoot on broken glass.

Every step cuts deeper and hurts more.

I wish he'd save me.