This Other Girl

There's another girl wearing my skin these days and I'm not entirely sure who she is.

She does things I don't normally do.

She gave her phone number to a cute cowboy who asked for her in the restaurant. Best of all, she didn't really care if he called or not. He flirted with her first - even asked her out (though she declined due to prior plans).

She hosted 10 co-workers at her house playing poker until 4 am. She laughed and joked and even won a few dollars. She even began to see some of the co-workers as more than "co-workers". A couple of them are becoming "friends".

She spent Mother's Day reading letters from her daughter where her 11-year old best friend told her she was a "hero" for working so hard to support them. She finally felt appreciated. She began to understand that this was a large part of what has been missing in her life...feeling appreciated.

She admired a new rose bush. Remember how I said I felt spiritually tied to my rose bush that withered and died? My 11 year old replaced it. It's healthy and covered in blooms - and is probably the most signifigant gift she has ever received. She lets herself believe that she - like the new rose bush - is healthy and ready to burst into bloom and thrive. That, like a new rose bush, she is reborn as a new person too.

She didn't dwell on the past or lost loves. When the "ex" came up in conversation (and he always does...people ALWAYS bring him up) - she didn't feel anything at all.

She talked to her best friend (Todd) in Oklahoma for a bit. Todd was slightly drunk and kept making suggestive remarks and referring to an erotic dream he had about her. When the call was lost (damned cell phones) - she turned the phone off. He left a message - clearly concerned that she'd just hung up on him - and she didn't return the call...she had tv to watch.

She skipped dinner (as usual) but snacked on chips.

She didn't sit around and feel sorry for herself today. She didn't actually sit around at all...but if she felt at all sorry...it wasn't for her.

It was for the people who didn't know her. It was for those stupid enough to have let her go. It was for those who doubted her.

She felt sorry for the ones who had passed through her life without appreciating her.

And - for just a moment or two - she felt sorry for the girl she's been these long months. Sorry that the girl had been so lost in pain that she neglected to nurture herself back to health.

She's not such a bad person, this new girl. I rather hope she sticks around.

I am, however, concerned by the fact that she is starting to see Vicodin as pain relief for emotional pain, rather than physical pain. It may be a half pill here of a 1/4 pill there - but she's realizing that when she takes it...she feels calm, happy and at ease with life for a short bit. She thinks that maybe the pain-relieving qualities are exactly what she needs to get through those hard times.

I hope the new girl can stick around, but I also hope she won't be too dependent on the vicodin to be who she is.

She has 3 pills left. And, in addition to the deep emotional pain she actually does have some mystery pain since the abortion that needs to be looked at. (It feels like they left a scalpel in me or something - I swear).

When those 3 pills are gone....will I look for more? Or will I be...better?