Monday

I have to admit that I am finding it harder and harder to blog.

It's not you, it's me.

I can't really explain it. I'm having a harder and harder time opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings - not just with you, here, but with anyone/anywhere.

The date was fine. He was very nice, very good looking and a perfect gentleman mostly. He absolutely seemed to like me, that's for sure.

I respect him. I like the things he says and the way he speaks and I respect his job as a policeman.

But he has one fatal flaw.

He's not Jeff.

And I don't want anyone who is not Jeff.

So, I failed to return phone calls from the cop yesterday in a timely fashion. When I did call, I kept it brief.

I disappointed all of my co-workers. They'd all been so excited that I was going out. I felt like I let them all down.

I do love my co-workers (most of them) - they're really supportive. They may all be younger than me, but I often feel like I have 14 new siblings just waiting to tease, comfort, annoy and encourage me. I get text messages from them checking on me, we plan things together - I have to be honest and say that in a sense I did find the companionship I missed at the restaurant. I wouldn't give up my 2nd job for anything. I may hate going to it - but once I am there, I am happy to be there.

Speaking of...

At the end of my date, the cop kissed me. A lot of kisses. Once again, just like with Lance-the-Kiwi-New-Zealander I hated the kiss. Jeff used to kiss me and melt my knee caps. Anything less is unacceptable. I was disappointed not to feel lightening and thunder.

The reason I mention this is Chris. Chris is the 22 year old line cook at my restaurant who continues to flirt with me. I refuse to be Mrs Robinson, but damn the kid an generate some sexual tension with me.

I was incredibly tempted to grab him last night and kiss him - - - just to see if I felt anything there. Not to be with him, but just to determine if I had the ability to feel anything with anyone besides Jeff again.

I didn't do it.

Once, at work, Chris came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulders. Jeff used to do that and I instantly felt limp.

"One day..." Chris told me.

"One day?" I laughed.

"Yeah, you know how I know?" he said.

I looked at him.

"Because you're not arguing..."

I might not be arguing and I admit that I appreciate the attention. I'm 34 and he is 22 and trying to seduce me - what's to argue? - but I can honestly say that I'm not EVER going to cross that line.

Because he's not Jeff.

On a closing note, I am concerned that the termination of the pregnancy didn't go 'right'. I am experiencing periods of intense pain and I have lost 7 of the 12 lbs I gained in a matter of 4 days. I'm going to be calling the doctor...