Monday

Jeff replied to my email (though I had hoped he wouldn't) and basically agreed that I am "better off without him" and then proceeded to ramble about his own life and debts and bills. I'm not really sure why he felt a need to share his life with me but I suppose it speaks to his ability to always want to communicate to me.

I do believe at some point he will regret his choice. I do not believe I will regret mine.

I'm not sure if I blogged it, but there were "supernatural" reasons behind my decision.

If you've read this blog in the past, you know I occasionally have "premonition dreams". Every single dream I ever had about Jeff came true to the exact detail. About 5 days ago I had a dream that Jeff and I were back together. My family was upset over it. Jeff had a headache and his head was in my lap and I was stroking his head to soothe him. In the dream, I wasn't entirely sure if he was back with me out of love or because he was so broken down and beaten that he needed someone to care for him. I didn't know if it would "work" but I was happy he was back in my arms in any case.

When I woke up, my first thought was "Aha! So we WILL be back together".

Then it sank in. Back? Together? To the doubts and worries and insecurities? Back to the insanity (pardon the obvious pun)? Back?

No fucking way.

Something in me took over and said "Hell no". I wrote the email and ended it entirely. No friendship, no communication - nothing.

I suppose all this time what I really wanted is what I lost...and that's not possible. Being with Jeff again now would keep me filled with fears and doubts and my every waking moment would have to be dedicated to trying to keep him sane and 'together'. Meanwhile, I would lose my soul.

So, I suppose in that flash - my inner self finally spoke up and said 'enough'.

I'll always love him, but I will never be with him again. I'm not sure I will be with anyone at all, but I am not worrying over it either.

Jeff always said he would be dead before 40. His ex-wife said "dead or in prison". I fully believe these to be true predictions. Jeff's increasing need for stimulation will see him fall. I would save him - I could save him - but he'd have to want it and he doesn't.

I didn't cry when I got his email (as I usually do) and to be honest, with the exception of tears over Taylor's cards that touched my heart I have not cried at all since sending the email. It may be just another small step, but I have to some degree let go a bit more. Or a lot more. I can never be sure.

Work last night was chaotic, but the same usual fun. I love the rapport with my coworkers. I love the bickering, the laughs, the teasing and the pace of it all. At one point, Chris (my 22 year old potential boy-toy) was rubbing my shoulders and I was relaxing into him (melting?) when I realized he was engaged in a water hose war with his commrades and was actually using me as a human shield. I shoved him away and feigned indignation. Later he blew me kisses in the parking lot.

It's all silly and fun (for me). I know most people there say they hate it there, but I love it. I love running to keep up with the pace, love the little dramas that arise, love the spirit and the silliness. Whether it's pulling a prank on a co-worker or sharing a table-story about a crazy customer - it just seems so alive to me.

I love coming home to my house. I have a nice place. It's cool and comfortable and fully outfitted with everything I need to be cozy. It feels like home to me.

I love forgetting to eat dinner because I am so busy and then eating Oreos watching my TIVO (reminding myself that I can do anything I want to do because no one can tell me otherwise).

I love having full control over my house.

I'm ok. I'd like to be more than ok - I would like to be happy but I will settle for ok for the moment.

All this good and positive thinking and I haven't taken any medication at all today.