Burn...

Jeff is nothing if not a brilliant manipulator. He pushed and got me to respond to him and then professed his worries and concerns about his mental state and got me to soothe, comfort and offer support. Then just as he realized he "had me back" he began to push away. My cheery good mood fell away and I became - once again - Jeff's toy. The one he takes out, uses as he sees fit just to be sure I still will answer to him and then puts in the back of the closet so no one else can reach it.

I didn't see him, but I spoke to him nearly every day this week. All he seemed to need was my attention.

I did do one thing new though. I talked to my family about what's been going on. My father is about ready to get a bat and beat Jeff within an inch of his life.

I was supposed to go out with friends tonight, but I am tired and my head hurts and I think I will be staying in.

I feel down. Tired. It could be from so much work, the stress or more.

Did I mention how Jeff reeled me in? With vague suggestions that he was afraid he'd hurt himself or someone else and a plea that I help him get help. He sent me his insurance info and asked me to find a doctor to help him and take him to the doctor. He played on my nurturing side and won. He also had me panicking and crying - terrified something bad could happen to him. He re-crowned me the reigning Drama Queen by taking away my peace.

In trying to figure out how to cope, how to help - I stumbled on this....I beg you to read this brief blog article. It defines my experience to absolute stunning perfection...

On the flip side -

I'm having recurring dreams again. Two in 24 hours (there was a nap involved) about my young cook at the restaurant. Christopher. The first was a naughty episode of sex and candy - and well, let's just say I get the song I smell sex and candy lyrics now...it was sexy and dirty and a sexual fantasy that someone like Willy Wonka might be prone too. Lifesavers, rolling around naked in ice-cream sprinkles and passionate kisses...

The second dream seemed (once again) like the prelude to the sex. Christopher asking me to go somewhere with him.

My dreams come in odd orders.

As it turns out, it appears that Christopher and I both have invites to a party Saturday night. There's a great deal of speculation as to what will happen there. The entire restaurant sees the flirting we engage in. Chris barks at everyone but is sweet to me. There's suggestive remarks, laughs and back-scratching and shoulder rubs for all to witness. There's been whispers.

He's too young. He's not my type.

But...what the hell is it about him? I have to confess I have a tiny crush. Not a boyfriend crush, but more like a sexy crush.

I think I enjoy the flirting and the crush and the sexual tension too much and I know if we end up following through on it, we lose the fun part and move to complicated.

But man....that candy.... (btw: Candy: To see or eat candy in your dream, symbolizes the joys and special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure.)

Yeah, that makes pretty perfect sense... My dreams are so freaking text book perfect. Since there were two of them, I suppose it's time to get ready.

So...I don't know what the hell I am doing anymore. Am I there for Jeff? Am I not there for him? Can I ever really be free of him? Do I really want to be free of him? I resist him for a period of time, he breaks through and then I am just as guilty as he is of initiating contact until he hurts me again and I find the strength to start all over again. I am deeply afraid this will be a lifelong pattern.

There are other things that scare me.

I feel like I have two sides. I feel like part of me is good and normal. I feel like part of me is evil. There are times I talk to Jeff and part of me longs to succumb to the evil side and be his partner in pure evil.

Do I recognize him as evil and a sociopath because something in me identifies? I feel emotions. I feel empathy. But in my head, I can also figure out how to manipulate people and situations and I am far more clever about it than Jeff is. Sometimes I do it without realizing I am doing it until later.

I can keep a low profile. I can spill my guts and my feelings and openly display my flaws because people get this sense of me. They feel like I am this open book, this klutz of a loveable person - - - they never realize that I've established all the ground work I will ever need to get away with anything I need to pull off. Because if I reach a point of having to lie or making a mistake, they will all believe I meant well or was innocent all along. I don't hurt people like Jeff does, but I know how to set up scenarios to get results I want. I know how to drive wedges between people, how to seduce a man, how to get the benefit of the doubt and how to start fires. I blogged about it years ago once lightly. I commented that sometimes I find myself setting tiny fires in people just to watch them burn. Like an emotional pyromaniac. I might flirt with someone even though I have no interest, just to watch them trip over themselves dealing with it.

I don't mean to do any of these things. But I see myself do them just the same.

Is the old adage "it takes one to know one" applicable here? Am I really the "bad" one?

Am I manipulating Jeff? Did I set up this whole "deep connection" thing just to keep the same hold on him that he keeps on me? It's easy to paint him as the bad guy, but I can play his games just as well as he can...

The worst of it is that while I see through Jeff - he still thinks I am the stupid girl who loves him enough to keep putting up with his shit. He had no idea that I have purposely kicked him when he's been down a few times or that I love to show support when he's down because it makes me the "good" one to him. I let him fall again and again because I know he'll look to me for the hand-up.

Maybe I am the one who needs the professional help.

There are these moments that I feel like "stop pretending" and just be evil with him.

There are times I think that if you took the "perfect" evil being and split them into two halves - you would have Jeff and I. Sid and Nancy. Spike and Dru.

Dumb and Dumber?

But I never really cross that line.

Identity crisis?

What is going on in my life?

I do wish I had never met him...but he's here and I think he will always be here. There's no definition to our relationship of sorts but I feel like we're joined and always will be.

And most days, that is a very, very bad thing.

On a brighter note.....

Taylor made the honor roll. Our hard work paid off and she boosted her grades and even made Student of the Month. I am so proud of her...

She is what keeps me from crossing the line...