It's My Life (Don't You Forget)

yspaceLife continues.

I worked last night and although it was VERY slow, I managed to earn $5 more than my goal and just enough to cover my urgent bills. As of today I am only behind on ONE bill and I will have that bill paid on Friday.

I still love working at the restaurant. I'm not sure I can ever explain it. I just feel...happier there.

The Cop contacted me yesterday and we had a lengthy IM exchange. I am considering giving him a 2nd chance. We'll see. I'm not sure if it's him or me. Maybe I just can't feel anything? I thought about it and realized that the last guy (post Jeff) that I was even REMOTELY attracted to was Mark and it took Mark a month of phone calls and IM's and a 3rd date before I started feeling happy to see him.

Apparently it takes a lot of effort to get past my force fields and walls and get me to relax enough to even decide if I like you.

I realized this is true across the board...I also am JUST NOW beginning to socialize outside of work with some of my female co-workers...after 6 months. It's taken them 6 months to get me to warm up to them.

Yeah. I think it's me.

Jeff was the master of walls. He had walls within walls built on top of more walls. He thinks he did me a favor by giving me walls that I never had before.

I think he can shove his "favor" right up his ass.

I didn't respond to his email yesterday. I have no intention of communicating with him. I did have to laugh that he wrote back at all. How do you take an email where I basically tell him I am letting go and "good bye" and then write back with a lengthy and detailed summary of his life at the moment?

I'm semi-proud that I finally stood up and told my heart "enough". My head is running the show now. The dream where we got back together is what freaked me out. All this time I have been wishing and praying to have him back and when the dream hit - I just snapped. My head won't allow it.

He's right. You're right. Head's right. He's not good for me. I started to list why and realized there's no need to be nasty...I don't feel nasty towards him. I will always love him but I will NEVER be with him again.

Moving on (this time I hope I really am)

I work again tonight and hallelujah for that. I have $5 in my purse and I'm out of gas. My gas-guzzling Ex-Mobile will get about a gallon and a half out of that. JUST enough to get Taylor from school and get TO work. If my budget is correct, I should manage to earn another $50 tonight and that will sustain me for the week.

I'm doing ok. I feel stronger.