There's a New Sheriff in Town

There've been some changes. I'm not entirely sure where they are coming from, but they're welcome ones.

First of all, Tuesday I had another dream about Jeff and I getting back together. This one was far more vivid and intense. In the dream, I was out with friends laughing and having a great time and I ran into him. He kept trying to talk to me and my friends kept trying to prevent him from speaking to me. He was almost chasing me. He seemed desperate again and kept saying that I had been right, that he needed me, that he wanted to marry me...

I woke up and freaked-the-fuck-out.

My recurring dreams always come true.

I think that's when the final straw snapped.

Somehow, since then - I have maintained NO contact with Jeff and even better - I have felt great about it. I don't think about him nearly as much and it feels like these dreams somehow set me free.

All this time that I pined for him and wanted him back in my arms - these dreams suggested it would happen and I realized that I don't ever want to be with him again. I never want to go through that again.

And somehow, just like that, a piece of me moved forward.

I'm...borderline happier lately. I work, I play with Taylor, I cultivate friendships at work and flirt with the indecently young line cook (who scares me with the sexual tension he can inspire in me...more on that later) and I relax.

I feel like I am finally free and I can only hope that this newfound feeling sticks.

I know that I still love Jeff, but I can HONESTLY say that I am happier to not see or speak to him anymore. I hope I never hear from him again. I wish him only the best (mostly) but I truly never want to see him again.

So - - - the line cook.

Chris.

Could we GET any more innappropriate?

I don't know what it is but he seems to be able to just leap and dodge all my defenses and walls and make me smile. He flirts with me like a pro and I know that I only have to say yes and he'll be in my bed.

But he's 22.

And he has a girlfriend (long distance thing).

And I just can't do that...

If he didn't have a girlfriend...if he weren't SO young...

I actually find myself disappointed when he's not working. When he IS working, my night is a roller coaster of looks exchanged that make my blood begin to simmer under my skin, flutters and smiles that make something inside of me feel shakey. He knows it too. He winks, blows kisses, stares at me with this penetrating gaze...

He also teases me, harasses me and plays with me.

I enjoy him.

I'm deeply embarassed to admit this, but I am attracted to this punk...and he is SO not my type.

He's rude. He's crude. He wears the damned stupid pants low enough to see boxers. He's a pot smoker (I'm drug free). He's a rough one - probably always ready to fight. He's a kid.

And I swear...he knows how to seduce me and he's been doing a damned slick job of it over the months. I manage to enjoy the attention and still fend him off...but I'm not sure if I can do that forever. I'm beginning to fantasize about giving in...about kissing him to see if I feel sparks there...

Then reality slaps me back. TWENTY-TWO. GIRLFRIEND.

And I remember that he's nothing that I want or need in my life and that this little lust-fest I have going with him is (at best) fleeting and probably asking for trouble.

I haven't been in trouble in quite some time now...

It makes me wonder...am I a good girl or a bad girl?

I'm used to being the "bad" girl. Steve (ex-best-friend's husband) used to say I was Jessica Rabbit ("I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way"). Jeff liked me devious side. I've always been the devilish one. I've rebelled, broken rules, played the "games" and (usually) won them. I've crossed lines, started fires and loved it all...

But am I really a good girl? In my entire life I have had TWO casual sexual encounters. Every other one had some depth and meaning to it. I'm single now and could fuck every man in Florida if I chose - married, single - you name it....

But I don't. I have no interest in it.

I'm still learning who I am, who I want to be and how this new 'me' operates post-devastation. I wonder if I have to choose a path...

Because a "bad girl" would absolutely put that delicious boy in my bed and likely unleash a few years worth of sexual frustration on him and a "good girl" would do just what I've been doing...enjoy it for what it is without taking it further...

Which will I be?