I Am Ready

In the hour before 2007, I find that I am neither looking forward to a new year, nor dreading it. Simply put, I am ready.

For me, this will be a year of hard work.

I will work two jobs. I will remain focused - entirely focused - on achieving my goals one by one. My biggest goal is to put together a life that no one can ever take from me again.

I know that Jeff is out with Jill tonight and that midnight will find him kissing her. I do not feel envious or hurt...I can not because I know what lies ahead for any woman who gets involved with him.

I do not miss him. I only miss a dream I thought I had. Someone I thought I knew.

Under no circumstances could I be with him again. Even if a part of me still loves him, there is no way he could undo the terrible things I have seen in him.

My goals for the new year are clear and (I think) well planned.

January:
1. Pay off my driver's license judgement deposit and fix my tickets

February:
1. Declare bankruptcy

March
1. Find an apartment for Taylor and I

April
1. Move into my new apartment


That's it. That's as far as it goes. After April, I intend to continue working to earn extra money to stockpile in the bank.

I do not want to "meet someone" because it would only serve to distract me. I do not want to care about anyone beyond Taylor and myself.

I want to continue to build walls around my heart and if they become so high that no one ever gets in again, so be it, all that matters is that no one will ever leave me feeling lost and alone again.

I plan to become a person who is comfortable in my own company and needs no one.

I am not happy, but I am ready.

I have no fond memories to post of 2006. Every good thing that happened was undone in one swift blow when they were revealed to be all lies. I can not look back on any happy moment without thinking it was all a lie. All faked. All manipulation, scheming and deceit.

My only hopes for 2007 are that I prosper, grow and continue to stay on my chosen path with no distractions.

Ah, yes - (I almost forgot) and one more thing....I would like Dawn to stop reading this blog. I think it's unbecoming for a teacher who is charged with education in a moral, spiritual and conventional sense for a private Christian elementary school to be fixated in such an unhealthy way. My hope is that she would NOT want to be the subject of future detailed posts.

Move along, Dawn.

Happy New Year.

2006

Usually at this time of year I post a sort of "year end review" and talk about my hopes for the new year.

This year - I just can't.

What would I write about 2006? That I was deeply in love? That I was happy?

That it all turned out to be a lie?

I can't. I'm sorry.

Hopes? I hope I get over him someday soon. For now, I am still sadly in love and so hurt...

Everlasting Friend (Blue October, Foiled)

A heartbeat skip,
relationship
Inside a bubble bath

An icing drip
below your lip
So we undo the math

A sudden slip between
My pathetic sedatives
A real-life script of how
Mistakes became our medicine,

so
Delay the hurtful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message that
I'm Picking up my chin at last

I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we pray from miles away
In quest for what we long to be

I might crumble,
I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble,
I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble,
I might take a fall again
But you're my everlasting friend
Everlasting friend

A heartbeat skip,
relationship
So we would stay up late

A teardrop drip
below your lip
Beside the airport gate

A sudden slip from where
We used to be a year ago
A real-life script of how
Our hands would hold and not let go

But delay the mournful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message
That you taught me how to live at last

But I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we wave respect goodbye
In quest for what we long to be,

but
I might crumble,
I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble,
I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble,
I might take a fall again
But you're my everlasting friend

Will you be coming home?
(Everlasting friend)
My everlasting friend, will you be coming home?
(Everlasting friend)

I might crumble,
I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble,
I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)

I just want to know that you'll be coming home
I just want to know that you'll be coming home
I just want to know that you'll be coming home
I just want to know that you'll be coming home

On the Road

Well, it looks as if everything has fallen into place and Taylor and I will be on the road to North Carolina tomorrow morning at 6 am!

I'm very nervous. I've never driven any distance alone. I'm afraid of flat tires, getting lost and breaking down...

I'm excited about getting there, seeing Tammy and the island and spending the weekend with one of my best friends. I'm happy to be "distracted" for New Year's.

I have to swing by my old house and pick up something tonight. Tammy had stored TV's and furniture with us and she needs me to bring her a TV. I can't lift it alone, so I had to arrange to have Jeff help me. I have a very small specific window to arrive since he has a date tonight.

Moving on.

I remember struggling half-heartedly with my weight for the last 10 years. I was never FAT but I was on the plump side. Not a problem these days. I lost 30 lbs in my break-up with Jeff and I hardly ever eat much these days. I'd like to lose a bit more, but I find that I am constantly buying new clothes since my old ones no longer fit. I had to buy jeans last night for my new 2nd job and was amazed to realize I needed 2 sizes smaller and while they fit ok (loose and comfy) at the waist, they are baggy everywhere else. I'm pretty sure I could go down one more size and be at about my high school size. I'm now officially the same dress size as my 21 year old sister, but she has me by 3 inches so I think dropping more would be fair.

I'd actually like to lose another 28 lbs. Gee, I wonder if I could get Jeff to date me and hurt me again? My family gets this worried look when I say 28 lbs because it seems like too much to them, but I carry my weight pretty well and 28 lbs less would put me at a good low average for women my height (5'6). Heck, if I were wanting to be model-thin I'd have to talk about 48 lbs.

In a nutshell - I look like I weigh 135-140. I actually weigh 163. My goal is 135. If I look 135 at 163, then at 135 I should be just perfect. :)

Of course, I suspect that at 135 I will want to weigh 125.

I actually do eat. I just eat a lot less. Once upon a time, a trip to Taco Bell meant a #1 combo (burrito, soft taco) and a baja steak gordita plus a side of pintos & cheese and a side of guacamole. These days, that much food would have me throwing up in the parking lot. I eat one soft taco and I am beyond full.

I have to admit that focusing on me and not a man these days is turning out to be a welcome change. I feel better. I am looking forward to things. I feel strong.

My friend Todd (who has known me for more than 10 years) told me last night that there are strong women, there are tough women and then there is me. He swears I am the strongest woman he has ever known.

I love him :) I miss him. He's the best friend I've ever had and when we talk, he lifts me up.

I don't think I am especially strong. I think I just go on because I don't know another way. You've all heard me break and wish I were dead and feel like my life is over...but I still stagger on.

Still, now that I have eliminated romance and dating from my life - it's just...easier.

Okay, the sex thing...

First, I was dying of sexual deprivation before and then I did something that I know most of you would call STUPID but it took care of the issue. This week I have felt fine, not deprived or depraved and still the issue managed to get itself taken care of. Again probably STUPID to most, but it did add a little something better to my week...

I'm not worrying about sex. I'm not worrying about dating. I'm actually looking forward to being too busy to date. When I get my OWN place (April!!!!) I will reconsider it - but to be honest, I am hoping to work through 2007 and leave no time for dating.

It'll just have to happen on it's own. I'm not searching for it anymore...

And that feels kind of nice :)

The Night

Well, I got the job. They'll call me Monday to set up orientation.

Believe me, you don't want to know about the rest of the night.

So, once again - it's okay if this only makes sense to me. Apparently, I have my unhealthy vices.

And I'm not the only one.

Still, sadly, for the moment and my lifestyle of choice which excludes men in general - it works for now. Somehow.

Actually, it probably doesn't but I'm not going to sit here and make excuses. I did it and I accept the responsibility for my vice/choice/weakness.

Did I mention I got the 2nd job?

A Flip of the Coin

I notice that my feelings towards Jeff alternate from moment to moment.

Some days I wake up and I truly do not care if he lives or dies. Some days, I see him for the terrible person he is. Some days, I just don't like him.

The flipside of the coin is that some days, for no apparent reason, I feel for him. I worry about him. I know stress and anxiety cripple him and I know he is under a lot. I want to help him, be there for him, soothe him...all in vain, because he doesn't want help, but still...I want to comfort him.

My day generally depends on which side of the coin happens to be facing up.

It flips with no rhyme or reason.

Today, I feel for him. I know him. He's probably not sleeping well. He's stressed. He's worried. He puts on a false "it's going to be fine" face, but he feels like he's sinking.

I'll have to work harder today to focus on my own life. Let's face it, if Jeff wanted me to be there to help, comfort or just partner up and face it with him he wouldn't have cheated on me.

We have two different views of what matters. To me, when you love someone - you stand by them. You face it with them. I'm getting a 2nd job to make MY dreams come true. I'll be earning about $1,000 a week. Do you think for one minute that if I was still with Jeff and we fell on the same hard times and were working TOGETHER than I would get out and bust my ass to do the same? Why not? I did it for Brad.

I offered to do it for Jeff once. He declined.

To me, being in love - you are a team. Jeff liked this idea, but he never lived up to it.

So...here we are. Jeff's dreams falling apart, me making mine come true on my own.

And, I have to admit, it's hard to feel too sorry for Jeff. He created this situation for himself and pushed me away. He owes SO much money and he throws money around so carelessly. New girlfriend coming over? By all means, let me fill the fridge with a few hundred dollars in rib eyes, strawberries, wine and tasty treats! New girlfriend wants to go out? I remember the day I moved out, finding receipts from bars and restaurants for HUNDREDS of dollars each. Who spends $200 - $400 several times a week to impress a new girlfriend while not paying the bills? Got a few extra dollars? Instead of paying debts, let's go play poker at the Hard Rock Casino.

Jeff needs - and has always needed - a stabilizing factor. I would have been it for him. I tried to be it for him. I wasn't perfect at it, but things were certainly more stable when I was there.

And...here I am....dwelling again. I told you I needed to refocus.

This weekend, I am driving myself to North Carolina with Taylor to visit Tammy. Tammy really is my best friend these days. I am excited to see her, nervous about the drive...I will leave Friday at 6 am and return late Monday. We'll ring in the New Year together decked out in our finest...

We plan to walk the beach (she lives on an island), and sit, talk, cry, laugh. We'll basically have a weekend slumber party together. I'm happy about it. We both need it.

Men off the list feels good. It's a relief to not be looking for a man right now. My feeling is that I will be far too busy with work to have a man and that's a good thing. I want to get moved and settled in a new place before I bother being social.

Still...last night, my thoughts wandered. I admit it.

Brad came over to hook up the PlayStation so Taylor and I could watch DVDs. I told him he was the best, and I meant it. I told him it took finding the worst to realize it.

When he was there, I went outside to talk on the phone to Tammy. I wanted to put space between us.

I don't want to turn to Brad out of loneliness of rebound. I'll make sure I don't open a door there unless MUCH time passes and it happens on its own accord.

I'm not closing doors anymore. I'm not opening them either. I refuse to let fear and anger and hurt close me off to a future of any kind. Instead, I will force myself to remain open and let the fates take their course.

I'd be a liar to say I wish things didn't turn out differently with Jeff and I. I do still love him, even if I wish I didn't. I just don't like who he is now...he had a complete personality change overnight and became a person who is shallow, empty, sad and all my predictions for what would happen to him once I left are being slowly fulfilled...

I would have liked to save him.

I can't help but wonder this...

I sometimes think that being with Jeff and being his victim taught me that in retrospect, I had something great with Brad. My feelings for Jeff may have been more intense, but I am starting to believe that Brad and I had genuine love. The soft, simmering, warm kind as opposed to the violently boiling variety.

I wonder if Jeff will go through all of this, and one day realize he actually had something good with me.

I give him far too much credit for thinking and feeling.

Flip the coin back. I'd rather not care.

Sometimes PostSecret says it best...

Christmas 2007 - Wishing Early....

Still Beginning

95 Days, 10 Hours and 29 Minutes.

That's how long I will remain in exile. That's how long until I expect to accomplish my goal of getting my own apartment with Taylor.

95 Days, 10 Hours and 28 Minutes.

My sister spoke to the management at her restaurant and they are expecting me tomorrow. My sister seems to think it's a formality and I have the job. It'll be exhausting and I will be putting in 18 hour days at least 4 days a week. My goal is to earn an extra $300 a week.

I also plan to keep the job even after I move. If I keep it through the end of the year, I would have about $8,000 in savings. For emergencies. For a trip. For a hired assassin (I kid!!! Besides, Jeff told me it was $10,000 when he looked into it for his ex-wife. I thought he was joking, but now I wonder...after all, this is a man who laughed when he heard she had skin cancer.)

I expect to be exhausted. I expect to be strained to the limits. That's okay. It'll keep me from thinking about the past. It's going to be good in more ways than dollars. I just have to manage to keep Taylor balanced at the same time.

I close my eyes 40 times a day and envision it. A tiny little apartment. Little couch in the living room where I can curl up with my TIVO. Kitchen. A dining area where we can eat. My own closet. My own bedroom. Taylor's own room.

It'll be clean as a whistle. It'll smell pretty and feminine. It will be filled with things I chose without anyone's opinion getting in the way.

I hope it has a tile floor. I hope it has that "fresh paint" smell when I first move in. I hope it has lots of windows. I hope it's on the 2nd or 3rd floor so I can open the windows and let the breeze flow through. Or a 1st floor duplex with a little yard. Or a balcony...

I hope I can get it. I'm prepared to offer an additional month rent as an additional security deposit to make up for my credit and unverifiable rental history. I will have declared bankruptcy by then, so maybe it will help...

You can see where my head is.

My immediate goals:

1. Pay off the legal judgement against me.
2. File Bankruptcy
3. Get an Apartment
4. Somewhere in there lose the rest of the weight - which, frankly, on a tiny grocery budget and working 2 jobs should be easier!!!

95 Days, 10 Hours, 19 minutes.

I hope it's roomy. I hope it's in a good area. I hope it has a gym and a pool and a clubhouse.

I hope it has nice neighbors. Good schools.

I hope it comes quickly...

I hope I get the job tomorrow...

A Request...

Bloggies - I have a request.

In my move to become totally self-sufficient as fast as possible, I found an area you can help.

(No, it's not donations - although if you feel some urge to PayPal me your extra cash, we can talk!)

I do a TON of online rewards programs. It's how I managed to pay for Christmas gifts this year. If you sign up with me as a referral - I get a ton of points. With enough points, I can redeem for gift cards to places like Walmart, Visa gift cards, cash, etc.

Those are things that would come in seriously handy for me...

My suggestion is that you create a SEPARATE email account with yahoo or gmail to sign up. They are great programs, but they generate a lot of spam.

If you want to earn your own rewards, click away...otherwise, if you sign up and only do the program on day one, I still get credit.

Most of them require me to enter an email address into the site and they send you a personal link. If you are willing to lend a "helping hand", please email me at dramaqueenchristine@gmail.com and I will send you those emails (remember to create a separate email address so you don't get spammed to death).

If even just 20 people signed up for every free rewards program it could mean a few hundred dollars to me. So, please consider it! :)

Thanks!
Christine

Life Begins

With the dreaded Christmas behind me, I feel a surge to move forward. I did a comprehensive budget and figured a few things out.

First, I need a part time evening job. Brad has agreed to help look after Taylor so I can work more. I was a waitress 10 years ago - I trained waitresses also, so I am looking there first. I pleaded with my little sister to talk to her managers and see if they will give me a shot. I am good at it and I will work my ass off but my hours will be an issue. I can't start on weeknights until 6 pm due to my day job and I can really only manage 4 nights a week, no lunches. If someone will give me a shot though, I will bust my ass. I need to earn $300 a week extra in order to afford to move out by April 1st AND have a small emergency cushion in the bank...

Second, my brief emotional setback for Jeff has passed and I once again think he is a big loser. He owes me $820, hasn't paid rent for December and as far as I know has not paid his ex-wife child support or alimony - yet he has the money to go play in poker tournaments at the casino. One of my family members saw him there and I asked him about it and he admitted it.

I'm pretty sure he also continues to spend money on women. Believe it or not, small world, one of my sister's friends is an online dater and when we were talking about online dating nightmares and I mentioned him being out there too - she recognized the name and said she had actually talked to him once. She didn't meet him, but later in the conversation when my sister asked if he had paid me back yet and I said he had not and was broke, the same friend piped up that he seemed to have the money to spend on dates because he was offering. She said he was pretty obnoxious with his "fuck me please" attitude and that he was whining to everyone about how this was his first Christmas (bullshit) without his kids and he needed someone to comfort him. Manipulation...

Typical. As much as I dislike his ex, it seems to me that he should be supporting his kids first. If he has an extra $100 - he should give it to her towards what he owes her first and foremost.

None of my business with the exception of the money he owes me.

So, yes - the Jeff mood swings continue on. Love him, hate him, love him, hate him. Today, it's hate.

Men just got put on my backburner. I am cancelling all of my dating profiles. I won't have time to date and work and priority one is work 2 jobs. Once I have a place of my own, we'll see - until then...I have no time, energy or desire to be involved with a man.

Maybe I am just getting better at the alone thing.

I admit to being a bit lonely, but much less so. I have never NOT had a partner in my life, but it is opening my eyes to what I do have...my sister, her fiancee, my best friend Tammy, my aunt - I have people that love me and care about me and that I love to be around. And truthfully - I am starting to enjoy THAT even more than any man. Hell, I even have Brad in my corner. I talk to him every day and he is always supportive.

The 2nd job would also let me interact with people...so I am excited about that.

I feel focused today. I feel determined. I have a struggle ahead, but it is exactly what I need to get MY life and my daughter's life in order.

I know I will be ok. I hate the days when the pain comes crashing through, but I appreciate the days like today when I can put all of my focus into a future...

Dream Girl

I went to see DreamGirls today and it was pretty good. The audience loved it. There were cheers, screams of appreciation, applause and standing ovations throughout the movie

Mostly, it got me thinking about dreams.

I've never been a big dreamer. Or if I was, mine were simple dreams. I dreamt of being happy. I dreamt of a family. I dreamt of cooking my husband the perfect meal night after night. I dreamt of a nice home to have family and friends over to surround us. I dreamt of being in love and being loved.

Simple dreams.

So, when all of your dreams die (or are killed) - what exactly do you do?

I was happy. It turned out to be built on lies. I had a family - we had troubles and then someone came along and made tall promises to a vulnerable heart and destroyed that too. I had the nice house.

Jeff killed every dream I ever had.

Which leaves me here.

2 months ago today, Jeff boarded a plane. I drove him to the airport. He told me I had "nothing to worry about, baby" and "you can trust me" and "I love you". All lies. In Tennessee he met Jill and threw away everything we'd worked for, fought for and struggled for to be with a woman that he doesn't even love. A woman he cheats on too.

And while that disappoints me, it's okay. Because a man who is that weak is no man at all. It hurts, yes, but it hurts the way it might after having a cancerous tumor removed. There's pain, but there is a slow healing too.

So...dreams.

My dreams are still simple and small.

I dream of losing the rest of the weight - Jeff gave me a kick start when he kicked my heart around, so I may as well finish the job. I want to lose 30 lbs. I plan to have it all lost by February. 2 months.

I dream of a place to live. A little apartment for Taylor and I to be cozy. A place I can cook again. A place I can sit on my own couch and watch TV. It's going to be tough. Thanks to Jeff's bullshit and bridge burning - my last year and a half of rentals is unverifiable. Prior to that, my landlady of 5 years is now dead. My credit is shot. I have to find someone to take a chance on me - and I have to afford it. Maybe if I offered an additional deposit. From now on, money goes into my savings account. I'll need to save and scrimp to make it happen.

That's it. For the moment, that's as far as the dreams go. Only I'm on my own to make them come true.

And I am going to do it

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest meto know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the insidewhen all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

---Oriah, The Invitation

Where are you?

When I read the above, I remember for just a moment how entirely unworthy Jeff is, was and will always be of my love.

I am only sad that someone I love/loved will never understand love.

Somewhere, someone is waiting for me.

And it begins...

It has begun.

Christmas. A day I have always loved and today, a day I dread...

I went to a Christmas Eve gathering with my family. I wasn't sure where the house was and when I called for directions, my sister asked me to pull over and wait for them. I ulled over, looked up and realized I was in the parking lot of the condo Jeff and I lived in before moving to Weston.

I sobbed. Taylor was upset. I just broke. A year ago today I lived there. A year ago today I was so in love.

I finally stopped and made my way to the party.

My usually abrupt and uncaring father gave me a card that made me cry a 2nd time. In addition to the usual Christmas card, he gave me a 2nd card...

"Hang in there...

It's going to be okay.
Just give things a little time.
In the meantime
keep believing in yourself
take the best of care;
try to put things in perspective;
remember what's most important;
don't forget that someone cares;
search for the positive side;
learn the lessons to be learned;
and find your way through to
the inner qualities...
thje strength, the smiles,
the wisdom, and the
optimistic outlook
that are such special parts
of you

It's going to be okay

I know it will be.
Because I know you..."

I cried. It was so spot on.

A man I did not know at the party overheard a comment I made about being single and began hitting on me. I ignored him.

Now I just have to survive the next 24 hours. They'll be hard...still, it's all about surviving one minute at a time. Sometimes I have no idea what keeps me going when all I want to do is drop where I stand, scream bloody murder and stop living.

But somehow, I keep on. I don't believe it is strength so much as just robotic submission to life. I try to be stoic and calm. I try to keep my head up. But the pain just builds up inside and then pours out of me in a random sobbing moment.

The pain is as confusing as the relationship turned out to be. I am never sure if I am crying because I miss him, because I was a fool, because I am lonely, because I hate him or because I just can't see any hope for a better future.

But, I keep on...

The Eve

Last year, just after Christmas, I blogged this:

PC and I lapsed into some premature plans last night that got my head spinning a bit. Our relationship has transitioned easily, if quickly, into the comfortable togetherness that couples usually take years to warm to. But somewhere in my subconscious is this little alarm bell. I have no idea what it's ringing about, but it's there. And it worries me.

Is there something missing that I haven't caught onto yet? Trust issues? Financial worries? Moving too fast? I have no idea.

I'm in love with PC. Occasionally, it occurs to me that perhaps PC is not in love with me, so much as he is in love with the idea of being in love with me.

Like some inner voice in him is running a list:-
Frequent sex? Check!-
Good communication? Check!-
Willing to contribute to household?
Check!Ok! Basics are in place...let's have a relationship.

Or...maybe my PMS is just making my brain screwy. I swear, I am on week 2 of PMS without the period and it's making me insane.

I haven't "cooled" towards PC. I am still enjoying him thoroughly. I even enjoy when he annoys me. Yesterday he was making me insane with to-do lists and I just wanted to relax, and I loved it even as I plotted his death. I feel tired, stressed or worried and he smiles at me in this certain way and I forget everything but how much I love him.

But what if I really am just some "check" on a list.

What if he really is incapable of truly loving someone?
What if PMS lasts forever?

I honestly think it boils down to my feeling of security. PC and I have moved very fast in a short period of time and while I feel sure of my own feelings, I am still accepting his feelings. I need to be able to trust that he loves me and is prepared for the future we are planning together and on some levels I am still not there. PC has stayed in an unhappy marriage and hid his feelings in the past and that leaves me very worried that I could be fooled as well.

Sometimes I believe it without pause, but there are moments I feel like he could just as easily walk away.

And if that's true, how can I plan for a future?

I can't be hurt again.

With all I have been through and all I have given up to be here, it would be devastating. I don't know that I would recover.

It boils down to security. How do you convince yourself that someone's feelings are true?

Interesting to reflect back on that, isn't it?

So...where does the blogworld find me today?

I'm in pain.

Yesterday I joined my aunt for a movie. We saw The Pursuit of Happiness. It was very good - some of it hit "too close" to home regarding Brad. Will Smith plays Chris Gardner - a down-on-his-luck man struggling to make it. His wife works nearly round the clock and he tries to support his family but also tries to chase dreams. Her frustration overwhelms her and she berrates him and eventually leaves him. She wasn't "wrong" but she wasn't "right" either.

Could I have been more supportive of Brad? I suppose it's a moot point. Still...it bothered me.

After, I met up with my sister, her fiancee and a friend of theirs for a birthday celebration. There was an undercurrent of matchmaking, but the friend, however cute & nice, was not my type. I ignored him.

My dad and stepmom dropped in and my stepmom tried to talk to me a bit about Jeff. I had to make her stop because the tears were welling up.

Jeff. Jeff.

It's all been lies. I am still in love with him. He's terrible and he hurt me brutally and was horrible to me and I am still sitting here wishing I could be with him.

I can look at my relationship with Brad and ask - did I try hard enough? Could I have done more?

With Jeff, I know I tried. There was nothing else I could do. He set me up for the fall.

I hate myself just a little for feeling this way...still, if I am honest with myself and my feelings then I have to face them.

I still love him. I still want him. I know I can't be with him, but I am still in love and it is killing me.

Right now, I just wish I could be with him.

Yes, I am back to crying.

Merry Christmas.

Off Men

Last night's date didn't go well. In fact, it went so badly that I don't even want to talk about it. In fact, it went just badly enough that I may very well be swearing off men entirely at this rate.

I ended up going out with my sister, her fiancee and his friends. We played pool, drank all night for free and my sister and I played video games most of the night. We laughed and had a good time. It was my 'future-brother-in-law's" birthday at midnight and we're supposed to go out again tonight.

My stalker hit my blog again this morning around 5 am. Not a big deal and hopefully my message in my previous post was received and they won't be back. The fact that they're visiting alone is a sad statement about their life.

I have to shop today. Awful, huh? I've done virtually no holiday shopping and need to pick up just a few token gifts. I'm dreading it.

I'm frustrated, but ok.

Friday Moves On (& So Should Some Other People)

So....

I have a date with Mark tonight. A confirmed date. And no curfew. If I didn't also have a headache, I might be excited about it. I suppose the cancellation earlier this week has left me feeling "eh" about it all. Maybe tonight will be a turnaround.

I also have a stalker. I would strongly suggest that I never see a certain IP address here again. It is disheartening to note that said stalker holds a position that should represent both morality and stability. I worry that these stalker tendencies might compromise stalker's ability to live up to those expectations. I hope that stalker will consider praying on the matter and perhaps educating themself on coping with anger & bitterness.

Tune in tomorrow (not you, stalker!) for details on the date!

Oh, and stalker? I've been there. What you are doing is only going to aggravate and feed your anger and bitterness. Put it behind you. You feel that tingle in your veins right now of fury as you read this? You keep that alive Been there, done that.

Quick Thinking

My horoscope today:

Your high-strung planet Uranus is accentuated when the Moon returns to Aquarius today, and you will likely feel the buzz. You want to be seen and heard, and won't let anything get in your way. Don't do anything rash unless you can rationalize it, for your impulsive actions can create distracting situations. Remember, sometimes it's a good idea to know what's going on, without having to do anything about it.

This was perfect. I read this moments after posting something that directly related to this horoscope. Yes, I did find something out today. Not about Jeff. About someone else. Someone who can't even use "mental illness" as an excuse for their actions. And I posted a nasty post letting this person know that I knew. Letting them know that they'd left footprints.
And moved it to draft. Horoscope saves the day.

Bloggies, all I can say is this - apparently I am very interesting to certain people.

The STBX

Hi, Dawn aka STBX. (Now just X?)

You must know that I can see you, right?

I'm impressed by your determination to find my new blog. I wonder why you bother, but still - for someone with almost no computer knowledge, it's most impressive for you.

You hit my old blog. You went through every link to the people I used to link to. You found the ONE blogger who I allowed to re-link to my new blog (and you had to scroll through 50 or so blogs and links to find THAT).

I take it back. I am not impressed - I am filled with a sense of pity for you.

It's Christmas. You should be with your children. Your family. You should be moving on. Sure, I'm struggling but my situation only arose about a month and a half ago...you're approaching a year and a half and you are still such a bitter person that you cling to whatever scraps you can find.

It's sad. And yes, for your information, I let Jeff know you were feeling stalkerish today. Neither of us know why you still care.

Did you think your "double cross" escaped me? How you tried to blame all of your plans on me? I was guilty of talking to you at all and sharing things with you that were none of your business - but for you to deny all your "plans" to unleash your "woman scorned" fury on Jeff and to tell him it was me was just sad.

YOU were the one who insisted you were going to contact Jill. YOU were the one who told me you were going to take his children away from him. YOU were the one who said he would end up dead or in jail. And guess what? I told Jeff everything...better still, I told him most of it as it happened.

I was hurt. You took advantage of that to serve your own anger. Pump for information you could use to fill your own agenda.

Who's really the beast here?

And....here you are. Spending hours looking for me and then a whole hour here reading.

Fascinating.

Sad.

Here's my suggestion. Go away. Worry about your OWN relationship, your OWN children, your OWN life. I may have my moments that I don't like Jeff very much, but I can promise you that I will NEVER post anything here that you could ever use.

Yes, from YOU I will protect him. Because for all his mental illness and faults, he is still a better person than you are. Even worse, he has an excuse for why he's so terrible - what's yours???

As you once said to me "There! How's THAT suit ya?!"

My suggestion? Don't let me see your IP address here again.

Merry Christmas, Dawn.

Adventures in Online Dating

I have dating profiles up on 3 sites. eHarmony, Match.com and AdultFriendFinders. Yes, I know the 3rd is sleazy, but let me explain...

First, eHarmony is totally fucking with me.

29 points of deep level compatability? I don't think so. I get matched with men who can not spell. And I mean REALLY can not spell. One misspelled his occupation "mantince" which I learned was "Maintenance". Yeah... Another "faut" in the middle east. Recently all of my matches are arriving in my inbox posed beside Harleys. Today, two matches are covered in head to toe tattoos and one has bizarre metal facial piercings ALL over his face. And, let's not forget that I was actually matched with a professional juggler/mime earlier this week.

Oh honey...I wish I were making that up. eHarmony is getting cancelled.

Okay, Match.com? Slightly better. Although many older, overweight men are being matched to me. I've had no luck there either. Match.com? Cancelled.

AFF or AdultFriendFinders? I get 50 emails a day. Some super-hot men. Single. All read my VERY specific profile and seem to be the most real. And I am a free member. Yes, it is considered a sex and swingers site, but the number of men looking for the same thing I am is huge. Mark was from AFF. Actually, all the men I met were.

AFF? Stays.

I hate online dating. I am glad I met Mark - or I think I am...we'll see. I am mildly interested in meeting a few more on there. I'd really prefer to meet them all in the real world but working alone from home and playing single mom is making that impossible. I maybe get out once a week.

Today I am feeling discouraged. Let's say I do meet a great guy. What do I do about it? At best I can go out with him every Friday night. Is that going to be enough for him?

I suspect I will be a spinster.

And yes, the single mom thing is getting under my skin these days.

I was sick yesterday. I still had to take care of my child although I had a fever and felt awful. No rest for me. When she was sick, I had to drive her to the store for medicine and she was so sick that she had to lie in the car while I ran for Nyquil. I have NO help. I let Brad know she was sick - Brad lives LITERALLY 1.5 minutes away from me now - he was busy with his friends. He said he would call the next day to check on her. It was late in the day before he even tried.

When she messes up in school, Brad is quick to say take away tv and her GameBoy! Ok....and when she is sitting there bored and I am busy with work - what exactly does he want me to do? She has no room of her own to sit in. She interrupts me every 2 minutes. She has no toys because there's no ROOM. She can't play outside because it's 'not a great neighborhood'.

When I sleep - in the room with her - I get woken up all night.

I have no break. No help. No rest. No time for myself. No plan to solve this.

I am tired.

I love my daughter, but I was never cut out to play single mother and it's exhausting me. Brad annoys me by showing up 1 or 2 times a week and letting me know what I should be doing. I should be helping her study for Math every night. I should be working with her on her schoolwork.

Ok. When??? I drive 80 miles a day to take her to and from her old school. We get home at about 7:30 at night and it's time to feed her. Then she needs a bath. Then it's bedtime. I wake her at 6 am and drive her to school (chugging coffee the entire 1 hr roundtrip). Then I come home and work.

I don't have time for showers these days without having to wait until everyone is in bed and then I can't even take a damned shower because the ONLY shower is leaking and the pressure has to be turned down so far that it is physically impossible to wash my hair.

I don't have time to eat. I don't have time to do one thing to take care of myself.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm unhappy.

And do you know who cares?
Not. One. Damned. Person.

I have not cried in almost 2 weeks. But I'm close to it today. Too close.

Thursday

Sometimes I can't write everything here. I write nearly everything, but occasionally I have a small moment that I have to keep within me.

Hence, the lyrics below. Someday when I reflect back, I should get what it referred to.

I'm okay today. I'm disappointed that Mark cancelled last night and to be honest, it makes me question him. Was it a legitimate cancellation? Can I trust that he's honest? Did he just get scared too? I wonder...

I'm going to back off of Mark. If he comes to me, great, but last night rubbed me the wrong way (when I was counting on it to rub me the right way) and we'll have to see how it goes from here.

I have over 90 emails in my inbox from men begging to meet me. Some are incredibly hot and some are great looking and some are ok. I suppose I should start responding to them and feel them out to see who I want to meet. I really have become terrible...I am lazy to respond to them, I ignore them for days or weeks at a time. I feel like it takes too much energy to get to know someone new and I just don't feel like it.

I have noticed I seem to like guys better on the 2nd and 3rd meetings. On the 1st I am usually feeling like it's a job interview. Sooooo, tell me about yourself???

I prefer not to talk. Sit me down for a drink or a meal and tell me about you, your friends, your job, current events...just don't make me talk. I'm not insecure (every guy that has met me has tried like hell to meet me again) - I just hate having to talk.

Told ya I was guarded.

I hate phone and IMs even more. I'm so busy mentally screening them for a fit that the smallest thing said or done that raises my eyebrow can disqualify them.

Still...I do want a full dance card and I suppose I have to put in the footwork to get the right partners. I don't want to keep more then 2-3 on the bench because I have only a few free nights and I don't like juggling them. Mark's still on my bench (though sliding down the line at this rate) so I need 2 more.

And Mark? He mentioned Friday night. We'll see. If there is no Friday night, he's being retired.

Meanwhile....I'm tired. Late night.

Drill It

Drilled a Wire Through My Cheek by Blue October

(It's okay, this one's just for me to understand today)

I try to stay on top of you
To hold your body down
Your shaking seems to hinder
Every grasp that I have found

Moving every inch around you
To defuse your private bomb
I stretch myself surrounding
And protecting you from harm

I use a wallet for your mouth
So when you bite you will not bleed
I drilled a wire through my cheek
And let it down and out my sleeve

And now you're pulling out the best of me
Yeah, which never ever comes
This wire's all that's left of me
And its hooked within my gums
...within my gums...

So drill it, so drill it
So hard I Feel it
So drill it, so drill it
So hard I Feel it

Its proof to show that I bleed for this
I'd cut myself to shame
To get to know this masochist
Who's stolen my first name

Pretending he's a teacher
Holding all my weight at ease
Yet the teacher seems to split in two
Destroying both his knees

And now crawling I position myself
Below your broken wing
I lift your feathered left arm
Where you hide your heart from me

I never noticed it was swollen
With a touch of brutal pain
I never knew a heart could live inside
The rust from all your rain
...all your rain

So drill it, so drill it
So hard I feel it
So drill it, so drill it
So hard I feel it

I didnt think to bring a wash cloth
To rub away the dirt
Myself and I, we share
This barely beating heart of hurt

And when the hurt comes theres an argument
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while

A dream we all should count on
Yeah, a vision I believe
Where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve

And where loneliness is history
Told to pack its shit and leave
And where guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need

And where crying isn't secret
It's the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will acheive
...I will achieve

So drill it, so drill it
So hard I feel it
So drill it, so drill it
So hard I feel it

....and????

He cancelled.

Do you believe this shit?

I almost regret not going last night.

In 8 days I will have been celibate for 30 days.

Hmmm....the Final Hurdle?

Today is Mark's birthday and I was happy to hear from him. He's having dinner with his mom tonight, but he's apparently....shall we say, in the mood?

I'm going to his house tonight after 9 pm. I don't think there is any question about what will transpire.

The final hurdle? Post-Jeff sex?

Ok, I am apprehensive. I want to go. I'm afraid to go. Am I going for the right reasons? I like him, he turns me on...are those the right reasons? I also feel like it's shutting one more door between me and Jeff. Maybe a new sex partner will make those booty-calls from Jeff easier to resist. Are those the wrong reasons? Is this natural? Or...am I just trying to get it over with.

Will it change me?

Will I like it?

Even Brad is encouraging me to go. LOL. Brad really is one of my best friends. We have the best divorce ever.

But, again...13+ years. TWO sex partners. Do I even know how to please someone new? Will I undress and he'll see all of my flaws and not want me? I lsot so much weight, but I'm not tight and toned... Will he be rough and hurt me? Will he object to using protection?

Will he reveal some bizarre kink?

I feel like a damn virgin.

Then there's prep work to be done. Shower, blow out my hair (mass of curls blown straight...), shave my legs, shave other places...make-up, selecting the right undergarments - lingerie? Cute bra and panty set? What????

Will I go? If I do...will I do this?

If you've read me for long, or read my archives, I think you might "know" me a bit. I've always had a wide open heart and have loved freely. I am so closed off and guarded now. New men have to work their asses off to get me to even respond to them. It took Mark over a month. I have 90+ new emails in my box from men who have seen my picture, read my profile and are dying to meet me. Some email repeatedly. About 85% are seriously cute. 3% are way too hot for me. I can't even imagine sitting across from one of these tight, toned, modelesque men and relating to them. 12% don't fit me at all.

And I ignore them all. The perfect ones, the great fits - I ignore them all. I might reply to one or two of them, then I ignore them too. I have no idea why. I'm exhausted at the thought of trying to get to know someone new.

And...I am aware Jeff is out there. On these same sites. Doing to other women what these men are doing to me...and I wonder how many of them are like him?

Will I, won't I? Tomorrow could be a fascinating post.

The Test

My first test occured last night. I think I scored a low B, high C.

Brad has Taylor, so I took myself to the local Sports Bar/Steakhouse to watch the hockey game. I dressed cute, but I think I had the "Leave Me Alone" vibe going. A guy would catch my eye and smile and I would just look away. I would have liked company, I would have liked to flirt - but I was closed off to it and just kept to myself.

I got home and was getting ready for bed. I sent Jeff an IM to let him know I didn't get to ship one of our ebay items yesterday and would have to go by the house tomorrow (now today) to get it.

This is our actual transcript of the brief IM:

Tue Dec 19 23:02:30 2006

[23:03] christine: Home now - just a quick note to say I obviously didn't get to ship the Pooh ornaments today. I will do it tomorrow.

[23:03] jeff: you can come over tonight if you want

[23:04] christine: lol, no - I'm pretty sure you'd like to slap me about now. :) Did you type that in the wrong window?

[23:04] jeff: no

[23:05] christine: You couldn't possibly want me to come over tonight.

[23:05] jeff: why

[23:08] christine: Hmmm, let's try a different approach. Why would you want me to come over? Something tells me nothing good could come of that. Don't mess with me, Jeff, I'm not that strong yet. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet. Not when it comes to you.

[23:08] jeff: ok...never mind

[23:09] christine: Nice test though. :) Did I pass?

[23:09] jeff: depends on whether you come over or not...lol

[23:09] christine: lol. Your evil side is showing, babe

[23:10] jeff: good night...heading to bed...
[23:10] jeff: doors unlocked

[23:10] christine: I haven't had sex in 3 weeks. You really are a mean one.

[23:10] jeff: lol
[23:11] jeff: you know me...up for that challenge

[23:11] christine: I'm going to smoke. I suddenly need to.

[23:12] jeff: lol...good night..if you get the urge to drive...see you later

[23:54] christine: Good night. You didn't get me this time. What I want, you can't give me. It's lost inside you somewhere. You may like a challenge, but I think you'll find I'm more of one than you give me credit for.

Yes, he actually tried to "booty call" me.

I get credit for NOT going.

I lost points for engaging him at all when my response should have been "Fuck You". I lost points because it hurt me. I wanted to go. I wanted to be able to pretend he still was my Jeff for awhile. I could imagine kissing him, touching him, feeling him...but leaving him when it was over would have been like breaking up all over again. I wanted him.

I may not have gone, but the impact was only lessened. He hurt me.

I didn't go. It was probably the strongest I have ever been. I'll need to be stronger. He will try again.

And I am lonely.

The Truth at Last

The truth has a way of coming out.

Jeff finally admitted he met Jill on his TN trip. That explains the sudden change when he came home. I wonder what Jill knows...does she know about all his personal ads online? Does she know how many women he is currently fucking? Does she know all the lies? I know he's lying to her...he tries so hard to hide things. Like Taylor's phone list.

I'm even more disgusted with him. I trusted him for the first time on that trip and he cheated. I've never been so glad in my life to be rid of someone. I'm sad for what I believed in, but I am so relieved to not have to care about him anymore.

He's not worth caring about.

And now, I have to say the meanest thing I will ever say in my life. Jeff once confided to me that he almost drove off a bridge to kill himself many years ago.

Mankind would have been better for it.

(I'm sure I will burn in hell for that remark, but (1) I believe it and (2) I've already been through hell.)

Uneventful

It was an uneventful day yesterday...

Taylor got sick - fever, sore throat and headache, but seems fine today after chicken soup and Nyquil.

Jeff pissed me off. He removed Taylor's after school phone list to hide it from one of the bimbos he's banging in our house and failed to replace it later. Taylor came home after school and had no way to call me as is our rule. Just another reminder of how selfish, irresponsible and disrespectful he is. What's the big deal with being honest? Is he planning to hide Taylor and I for life? Good luck...

I spoke only briefly to Mark.

I'm doing fine. I'd LOVE to have a next date lined up already - and truthfully there are a few people I could call but none of them really grab my interest as much as Mark at the moment. Still looking.

Adventures in online dating...I've revamped my profiles to be clear that I am interested in casual dating only for the moment.

I miss Jeff less every day...I like him less every day. We may be somewhat civil, but I don't see any way of being friends. I just don't like him. He has the unique distinction of being the first man in my life that I regret EVER getting involved with.

Bravo.

I'm not in a good or bad mood. I'm just...fine. You know?

Christmas is non-existant for me. I have no tree (no room!), I have a minute handful of gifts for Taylor but no one else. I have a serious aversion to anything holiday related. Someone wishes me a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday and I smile, but think to myself "Sure...for you perhaps".

I can't wait for it to be over. Then I can focus on surviving a lonely birthday and a fucking miserable Valentine's Day. I should be better by March.

So...I'm fine. Should my day turn for better or worse, I'll let you know and add something better than this lame-ass post.

I'm fine. Really.

Water, Water Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink

So, my sexual frustration continues...

I know I am reasonably attractive. I know I am sexually desirable. Men in my life have always been interested in sleeping with me.

So WHY has it been 3 weeks?

In the grand scheme of things, you probably think 3 weeks isn't very long. For me it's an eternity. I have a very high sex drive and by now I am frothing at the mouth (as my Friday night experience surely demonstrated).

I talked to my darling, darling Todd last night. Todd lives in OK. We met 10 years ago on the internet and have been best friends ever since. We're a rare internet success story. We met playing an online role playing game that we both went on to become GameMasters at (read staff) and we met in person at a convention after a year of taling almost nightly. There has never been anything romantic between us, but we are as close as two people can be without being together in person.

Todd has a longtime g/f now but was a bachelor for a long time. In the course of 10 years, we did have phone sex one crazy night. Also, at different points in those 10 years we have professed love for each other, never at the same time, but it's there. I think it's more of an extension of the friendship than love but during weak moments we have talked about it. I can remember the last time when he told me he was in love with me. There's definite genuine love between us, but the friendship is so much more to us both.

I told Todd the details of my Friday sexless slut date night and he offered advice, commiserated and generally made me feel much better.

Todd told me that if we lived close, he would absolutely fuck me. I laughed. A year ago I would have been all over that. Now, I feel like I have grown up. I told Todd we could never do that. I'm on the rebound and not relationship material and there could never be a "fuck" between us. With 10 years and all of our love, it would undoubtedly be something more meaningful and ultimately that would fuck up our friendship. There could never ever be meaningless sex between Todd and I.

Still, he pointed out to me that instead of being a failure as a slut Friday, I should look at it as a score - two men wanted me bad. Sure, it didn't happen, but he wants me to see the bright side. I was responsible for at least 2 major erections.

I've pinpointed Mark as my first post-Jeff sexual breakthrough. As much as I just want to get laid I also have to admit that I've grown as a person. I'm not really wanting to screw a random guy. I want chemistry, attraction and a casual datable candidate. Someone I can see from time to time. Someone not married or attached. Mark fits the bill.

Todd was surprised by how guarded I have become. On paper, Mark is perfect for me, but I am not going to open myself up to any kind of relationship anytime soon. Date me. Fuck me. Call me. Intrigue me. But if you want to "go steady" I am NOT your girl. Sure, I might like someone enough to see only them in theory...but don't ask me to make a promise. I'm not believing in promises these days.

Nor am I willing to open up and talk about myself with a guy. I've never in my life been "guarded" but I think it's a pro and not a con. No one is getting close enough to hurt me again. I like Mark. If he were to stop calling I would be disappointed, but nothing more. That's exactly how I like it. That's exactly how I want to keep it.

I'm still in Jeff detox. Todd pointed out that I am not over him even if I have let him go and I am committed to getting over him. Probably true. But I make progress every day.

If Jeff showed up in the pouring rain with tears down his face, roses and apologies on his knees telling me what a fool he has been I would pity him at best and would accept the apology but still refuse to get anywhere near him. He is toxic to me and I'm not ingesting that fool again. I no longer dream of him fixing himself and coming back to me - at best it would only ever be a temporary fix and he's never ever going to have a chance to hurt me again. No one has ever hurt me like that and no one ever will again.

I'm somewhat enjoying being on my own, even despite the lonely times. I'd like a full dance card but - again - no one looking for a relationship.

Mark is playing it smooth with me. Keeps me wanting more, knows when to call and when to back off, works me up...I have to admit that it crossed my mind that he is either playing games or cultivating me for a relationship later. He'll be disappointed either way. I am not relationship material right now. Try me in a year or so.

My dreams have changed too. I spent yesterday shopping (I really MUST stop that) and then read a book in the park for awhile.

I went to my aunt's house again for dinner (I am starting to really love that) and I realized I envy her life.

She has a charming, cute little house that I love. She has her dog (a yellow lab) that I love. She is alone also but her life looks really complete to me.

Most of you know I consider myself an orphan. My mother is...well, ALSO mentally ill and has nothing to do with me, my father is my boss and beyond that has nothing to really do with me.

...and my stepfather? (Well, ex-stepfather...) - the one I am living with right now? Last night, he checked out my ass. I swear to god. This man prctically raised me and I bent over to get something from my purse while talking to him and just happened to glance back mid-conversation and there is no question as to where he was looking. Yes, he was drunk - as usual - but it still gave me a cold chill.

My aunt is really there for me right now and I feel like she is my family. I'm loving Sunday's with her and I think she is too. She gets to cook and we watch tv or just chat.

All in all, life is going on. The good, the bad and the ugly but still worthwhile. Why did I ever think life ended with Jeff's love dying? Life only begins there. I grew up, I learned a hell of a lot and while I don't owe that motherfucker any thanks for how horribly he hurt me - I am glad to be moving on.

Meanwhile, I need more men on my dance card. I wonder where to find them???

Oh...yes. and I need to get laid.

I had a vivid dream last night. It was confusing but two key elements stayed with me. As I always do, I checked them out on Dream Moods for meaning...

Tiger: In my dream, this tiger was sitting by the door of a house I was at. I was surprised to see it. The tiger was enamored with me. If would growl at me if I tried to ignore it or move away and insisted on rubbing against me and seemed charmed by me. I sensed that it really liked me and would attack if I tried to move away. It wanted to be stroked, played with and paid attention to. The meaning?

Tiger: To see a tiger in your dream, represents power and your ability to exert it in various situations. The dream may also indicate that you to take more of a leadership role. Alternatively, the tiger represents female sexuality, aggression, and seduction.

Ok, Captain Obvious...I get it. Sexually frustrated.

and...

Helicopter: To see a helicopter in your dream, represents your ambition and achievements. You are in full pursuit of your goals.

I'll buy that one...I do feel like I am finally on a good path.

Amazing to realize a good path is one that does not include Jeff (Dickhead).

Jeff's still a sinking ship and I am watching from the shore. I don't even think he realizes all the ways he is fucking up. He's behaving like a complete idiot and his maturity level dropped 40 years to fetus status. He went from being a man I would be hot for to a man I would jokingly refer to as a big loser. I hope he keeps it up. Him being unattractive to me really is helping me move on.

I miss sleeping beside him. I miss being in a relationship with him. I miss kissing him. I miss knowing he was on his way home at 5. All of these things, I miss.

But I do not miss him.

At all.

Really. I know you may be dubious, but I swear....I can admit to missing everything but him. He's a major fuck-up, mentally ill, premature ejaculating loser and he would have to grow up about 20 years to be remotely appealing to me these days...and by then he'd be too old. It's tragic. It would be like watching George Clooney get fat and bald and develop a drinking problem/drug addiction. Such a waste...

Jeff has regressed to frat boy personna and it's sad because he was there and on his way to being a great man. Now he is so far away I doubt he can ever get back his charms.

I know he can't get me back and he had the easy advantage of being the man I loved. Mostly, I just feel disappointed in him. It seems like such a waste. If he were still Jeff that I loved, I might be pining for him....and I am sure women would be lusting for him. Instead he is Jackass-Jeff and from what I see....I am not the only woman who thinks he is a loser.

Restless Sunday

It's Sunday morning and I can admit that I am feeling restless.

I'm still happy about last night and pleased that I feel I have made progress, but I feel like this morning is a bit of a struggle.

I think it's because I am distraction free at this moment and not sure what to do with my day. In fact, I am sure of it. The busier I stay, the better I feel.

Money's getting very tight and that is on me as well.

Mark mentioned possibly getting together today, but I am betting he's in rough shape after his party last night so I am not actually expecting it to play out. It would be perfect if it did though. I doubt we'll see much of each other for the next two weeks.

Brad mentioned taking Taylor today but I have not heard from him yet either and he had his own party last night. This one annoys me a bit more since he owes me money and Taylor is waiting to see if she will be with her dad today.

If I did have my day to myself today - what would I do with it?

Hmmm....

• Go to the local Borders (I already have my book that I bought yesterday) and sit in the cafe and read and snack? Mmmm...nah.
• Drive aimlessly? Gas is getting to be pricey for this beast I am driving (Expedition)
• Lunch with a friend? Oh....right. I have no friends. Scratch that one.
• Movie? I saw one yesterday. I suppose I could see another one, but I am saving them for Christmas day's marathon....
• Shopping? No, no, no - I am going broke!!!
• Sit around - ummmm no.

In the end, I think what I will do is grab a Subway sandwich and a book and have myself a solo picnic somewhere. From there, I'll figure it out.

When you're recovering from a broken heart, free time is a real bitch, you know that?

Ok, self-check. I am recovering from the loss of my life and dreams and hopes. I am not mourning Jeff because Jeff is an assclown who was never worthy of the love I had for him. Yes I said had.

I still miss the old Jeff and the new Jeff isn't anyone I want to know.

I'm ok. I'd like my day to be full of fun and such, but I am going to get through it either way.

30 Days to 1 Week

When Jeff and I broke up for good, it took 30 days for me to move out.

30 days during which I was obsessed, in agony, suffering, suicidal, hysterical, anorexic, depressed and angry. 30 days in which I believed my life was over. 30 days of hell. Literally. Probably worse...in fact, given the choice between hell and reliving those 30 days I will glady suffer fire and brimstone and copulate bi-hourly with Satan himself.

It occured to me (in the last 15 minutes) that today marks 1 week since I moved out.

I had forgotten.

I spent the day with Taylor. We went to Golden Corral for lunch and then to the bookstore. We browsed books, selected a few and then went on to Target for a little shopping. I got 2 new bra and panty sets, she got a new shirt. We each got a box of hair color (she had highlights that have grown out and now look strange so we're "covering" them and I am going back to my deeper shade of red after a strangley failed attempt last month to go blondish thinking Jeff would love me again if I was blonde). After that, we cruised by a pet store just to look and ooooh and aaaah over the pets (I was mesmerized by a fish of all things. A Yellowheaded Jawfish - coolest fish ever) and then Taylor was my date for the movie The Holiday.

It was lovely.

We were supposed to go to TWO parades and they were both rained out. Taylor and I cracked a few jokes about it raining on both of our parades but we weren't deterred. We had a lovely day.

The movie was freakishly dead-on my life in so many ways. Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz play heart-broken women who swap homes for 2 weeks to recover. Amanda's (Cameron Diaz) break-up was more like mine with the cheating shithead of a boyfriend but Iris's (Kate Winslet) reaction was more like mine with her pining for a dickhead of a man who didn't want her but was subtly remaining in her path to prevent her from getting over him.

The movie was great and sweet and I found strength in it.

I have not spoken a word to Jeff today. Not a text message, not a call, not an IM. I have not seen him. And frankly, right now with NO date, NO sex and NO drama - I feel just fine!

Hmm...interesting correlation. I seem to actually feel better when I do not see or speak to Jeff.

You would think I would be miserable. After all, at this moment - Jill is in my house with Jeff, spending the weekend fucking him on my furniture.

I could care less. The best thing is - I mean it.

Everyone told me I would heal faster once I moved out. How on earth did you all know??? It's true. I am healing.

It's not a replacement - there is no new man to fixate on. It's not a depression - I was out and kept busy all day long.

I'm free.

In Jeff's defense (not that he deserves it) - I was always the one initiating contact with him. I would come up with some excuse to communicate with him.

No more. In fact, I have just now deleted him from my IM screen to avoid the temptation and uninstalled Skype (the alternate IM he uses at work that he once had me install). There was no deep breath or meaningful moment to doing it...just click, click, click - gone. (Funny note, when I uninstalle Skype it made me say "why" I chose to. I selected "other" and filled in "Only installed it for an exboyfriend and have no desire to communicate with that jackass ever again". It made me grin.

This post is the most thought I have given to him all day and truth be told, this post is really more about me than him.

30 days of hell. 1 week to begin to truly heal. 1 glorious day to see that life is so much better with no Jeff in it.

Moving on!

The movie The Holiday did strike a slightly romantic note in me. I found my thoughts briefly drifting to Mark. I spoke to Mark for just a moment this morning and not again and that was fine too. But I have enjoyed him and while I have no intention of getting involved - he's a very nice distraction to have. I'd like to see him again soon. Hell, I'd like to do a lot of things with (read: "to") him soon. I don't think it can really go anywhere but it's fun and exactly what I need right now. Unlike my previous mistake with Jeff, I don't see Mark as "perfect" but rather as "perfect for the moment". He puts zero pressure on me and always leaves me feeling like I was true to myself and not trying to "please" anyone. Long term? Probably not - we're very different...but short term fun? Sure! No promises - no hopes and dreams...just moments of fun.

It's a Saturday night and raining and rather than mope about being stuck at home with no lover and no sign of my former life in sight I am going to relax with my new books and enjoy me.

It's about damned time.

Only took a week.

I'm sure there are still moments of sadness and longing to come. I am sure Jeff will cross my mind and I will hurt.

Just not today. For today, I am free of his hold on me and if I can manage one day than I have to believe there are more to come.

I'm not "happy", but I am closer to being okay! :)

What. The. Fuck. Was. THAT?!?

Occasionally you have a night where the wheels just come off and things get a little crazy.

Last night was that night.

I don't know who I was last night, but it was not me.

I met Mark at a local upscale Mexican restaurant. He wanted to find a place somewhere between his home and mine so we did not have to drive far...I told him I didn't mind driving if he wanted somewhere near him and he said "If we're close to my house and things get a little frisky, I'll be trying to get you back to my house..."

I remained silent. (Thinking yes....and???)

"...and that would be bad. So THIS time I'll behave."

Me thinking "Shit...I shaved for THIS?!?!?" It was our THIRD date! Doesn't he watch Sex & The City??? WTF???

Still, I am a woman so I was not deterred.

I walked into the restaurant at our agreed upon time and surveyed the bar. I didn't see him but an older man saw me and shouted HERE I AM!!! Waving and grinning. When I didn't see Mark on the 2nd scan I walked over towards the man and said, "Okay, you'll do!" We laughed and the man flirted with me for a few moments - asking if my date didn't show could he be my date, buying me a drink, etc.

Mid conversation Mark strolled in - looking damned fine in jeans and a DKNY Jeans button down shirt. He spotted me and headed over to my new friend's disappointment and appraised the situation with a glance before patting the man's back and telling him "A swing and a miss, buddy!" and escorting me away.

Ok, Mark confuses the hell out of me. He can talk non-stop and tell long-ass stories until he almost bores me to tears - but I like what he says. He's a good guy with a good head on his shoulders and I really like him.

We dined and I drank margaritas while he threw back beers. Dinner was nice, but I was wondering what next.

Yeah....

We closed the restaurant at 10:30 (???) and walked outside to where my truck was parked. He told me he had a great time and he had to go. He had to get his house ready for his own party the next day (long story) and he promised his friends who were hosting his party that he would be home early.

The kissing began...

Not shy by now, we were much more close. I pulled him against me, we kissed the deep, long, slow, wet kisses that seemed to last forever (I kept hearing Kevin Costner from Bull Durham in my head). He was hard and large enough that I could feel a signifigant portion of him. He cupped my breast. He rubbed my ass. More kissing.

And...then he left.

I swear to God, I was dumbfounded.

I actually sat in my truck in the parking lot for the longest time puzzling over this.

Then, my cell chirped. Text message. Mark.

(Mark) Hot lips!! *boing*

I replied Tease...

(Mark) I'm not a tease

(Christine) You sure know how to send a girl home all worked up...

(Mark) Does this help? ((SENDS ME A PICTURE OF HIS PENIS....(It's HUGE). I'm bordering on PISSED RIGHT NOW - or the margaritas are still affecting me))

(Christine) Now you are teasing!

(Mark) Guess not

(Christine) Definitely not. I had to pull over.

(Mark) I am worked up also - perhaps you noticed?

(Christine) I noticed :) Buit you still sent me away...I am stunned! You must have an iron will!

(Mark) I want the first time to be nice. not rushed (Ed. note: I actually liked this one...)

(Christine) I had all night, baby!

(Mark) I did not have all night (ED NOTE. : SENDS ME ANOTHER PICTURE OF HIS PENIS AT THIS POINT...IT"S MAGNIFICENT. I AM NOT NORMALLY A PENIS PICTURE FAN BUT THESE ARE MAKING MY MOUTH WATER)

(Christine) Do you really think it's wise 2 get me this turned on and leave me for the night? (At this point I send him my own picture. A subtle shot of me sliding my bra strap down while still in my car)

(Mark) Show me more...

(Christine) I like you.... :) ...and if I do???

(Mark) Make me happy

(Christine) Oh, I'd like to make u very happy right now

(Mark) Mmmm Tell me

(Christine) I'm so much better at showing...

(Mark) I'm erect

(Christine) Then you should not be alone...

The End.

It's 11 pm on a Friday night and I am buzzed and I am NOT going home. I drive myself to the Hard Rock Casino.

Warning!!! I can only say I think I became possessed by some slut at this point. The following is completely out of character for me and I am shocked at my own behavior.

I stroll in, find a seat at an outdoor bar and order a drink. The first and only drink I intend to pay for.

It doesn't take long. Lonely woman at a bar...the sharks move in.

The man to my left makes the first move. He's sorta cute, not my type. He's very drunk. He's from Chicago. He tells me his name is James or something.

We talk, joke, laugh and drink. I'll spare you the conversations because they were stupid. It was drunken stupid talk.

James is traveling with his brother who he sent up to the room (hotel attached to casino) just as he began to chat me up. He rambles, etc.

An hour passes. Maybe 2. I have no idea. I'm loaded.

He's worse...

It gets blurry here. We begin to kiss. It's ok. James isn't my kinda guy but I'm turned on, sex-deprived and this is exactly what I came here looking for.

We spend the next hour kissing, light fondling. He's kissing my neck in a way that feels so good. He's whispering to me. "Oh baby, you are so beautiful. So sexy. I want you. I have to have you."

I'm in.

EXCEPT....James is sharing a room with his BROTHER. And no matter how drunk I am, I am not fucking stupid. That is NOT happening.

He begs. He pleads. This goes on for an hour (which is an hour longer than it should have).

He's stroking me, kissing me...it feels so good. I am turned on even while I know how wrong this all is.

If he'd been alone...I would have been in that room.

Ok, James is either very drunk or very lonely because now he's in love. I actually laugh at him when he says it. He wants to make love to me, he wants to be with me, he needs me - blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, time to go....

I try to shake James and he's like a leach. Still begging. Still pleading. He actually wants to fuck me in his room with his sleeping brother in the other bed.

No. Fucking. Way.

Yea, and not the damned bathroom either. Don't tell me we'll be quiet - I didn't come here for "quiet".

I'm partially pissed off now. This is the 2nd time a guy has turned me on and NO SEX tonight. Granted, if I were a total WHORE I could have gone up, fucked James and probably the brother as well.

James is more and more in love. He is pacing. As he does, a man passing stops and grabs my hand and smiles. James nearly jumps him yelling "Take a hike, buddy!!!" Moments later, another man passes and stops to kiss my cheek for no apparent reason. James is sulking now. He tells me to stop flirting with other men.

I say goodnight and try to leave. It's 4 am. I am slowly coming back to sober after being shitfaced.

James is unshakable. I actually think he might cry. He is literally grabbing me. At one point he grabs my hand hard and I yelp. I'm not afraid - because I have 2 inches of height on him and he's built small.

After 20 minutes of arguing now, I shake him. I don't look back. I know if I do, he is standing there watching me leave and probably in tears.

Unfuckingbelievable.

I get in my truck, ask myself what the fuck that all was about and begin to drive home. I check my cell phone. Mark had texted me again. It says "Very soon"

I reply You're worth waiting for

...and even though it's very, very late - he replies. He says "I like the sound of that"

I get home, pass out and wake up with a bitch of a headache and a dry mouth. And here I am. Sitting in my robe nursing room temperature water and waiting for the Excedrin to kick in.

It'll be a fucking week before I have another chance to have sex. At least...

But Mark did call first thing this morning and that was nice :)

Bah Humbug

Is it Christmas?

I hadn't noticed.

We have no tree. I have no gifts. I expect no gifts. We have no room for a tree.

I have no one to spend the holiday with. Taylor will be with her dad. I'm hoping like hell some movie theater will be open and I can spend the day watching movies all day (NO holiday films).

I have no Christmas spirit. I bought Taylor a few small gifts. That's the extent of the holiday for me. It hurts. I'm sad. I received ONE Christmas card and it was to both me and Jeff from our realtor who wished us a Merry Christmas together in our new home together. I cried when I saw it.

Moving on...

Last night with Jeff was fine. Friendly. No one crossed any lines. It was relaxed and ambivalent.

Tonight I have my date with Mark. If nothing else, I am hoping for another great kiss. :)

A local popular radio show in South Florida is holding a parade in my "new" city tomorrow. I'm a fan of the show and the DJ was griping that no one had mentioned coming. I emailed him to tell him I would be there and explained that I had just come out of a painful breakup and this would really be the only holiday thing I did. He asked me to stop by and say hi and assured me that looking at my picture I would not be alone for long. That was nice. :) He's a local celebrity, so it perked my spirits a bit.

I told him thanks and asked him to send the single and SANE men my way.

I'm emotionally over Jeff. The space has been enlightening. I miss being in a relationship with hopes and dreams of a future, but I don't miss Jeff anymore. He's an asshat. I did wonder if he would try to put a move on me last night to fill his apparent desperate/horny side and I am confident that if he had - I would have flat out rejected him for it. I think he knew that. I made it clear I was over him before I came over so no harm, no foul.

I'm still sad. I'm excited about my date...sad to not be in a relationship with someone I love.

I miss what I thought I had with Jeff. I have all these memories of us together and now I look back on them all and they seem like something I must have imagined. Surely we never were happy, were we? It was all a lie, after all. What were those moments?

When love ends this way, it shatters happy memories. I see only fragments of them now and they all seem like some illusion I was stupid enough to believe in. Every laugh, every look, every touch...all some grand scheme by a madman who used me to move on with his life until he could get his divorce finalized.

I wish I had the last year back.

Apprehensive Smiles

I suppose you have to experience it. The pain and heartache when you lose someone you love. No matter who tells you you are not the first person on the planet to feel so horrible, you can't help but feel that no one could comprehend the pain and devastation you are in.

They tell you it will get better. Day by day. You don't believe them. You think they're just saying it because they can't very well agree with you that life is no longer worth living.

And then it begins to happen. It's slow. It's scary. It's a small step forward and three steps back. Then another step forward and only two steps back. Eventually you find yourself making a tiny bit of progress in healing.

Is there a set path for recovering from a broken heart?

I'm beginning to feel better. I can talk to Jeff and feel nearly 79% nothing. I can't say I feel entirely nothing, but in one small way I am fortunate. Because of Jeff's mental illness, I can look at him, speak to him and see him and still believe that the man I loved is not really inside of him anymore.

And, I have to be honest, the way he is living would typically register as a "loser" in my book. That's cruel, and I hate saying it - but he just seems to be desperately trying to bang women and he bypassed "Sexy Playboy" and has moved into "Desperate Loser" status.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

On one hand, it upsets me. If you only knew the man I had glimpsed in him...so determined. So strong. So commanding. I believed - and still believe that that man could have owned the world.

But that man isn't there. The man in his place is limited by his mistakes and his past. He's bordering on pathetic.

I can't deny that his fall from grace makes it easier to stop loving him. Still, I wish I could resurrect the man I knew and loved and put him back on his pedestal.

I can't. Moreso, I won't. He has to do it himself. And even then, he can not have me back. Ever.

I fell in love with the man I saw inside of him. I see a very different man now. As much as I still love and care for him based on the man I saw inside of him, I now have a new image to reckon with and ultimately it equals out to him just not being appealing.

So, you know I had a lovely time last night. Mark's smooth. He wines and dines me and doesn't rush to call me or pressure me in any way. And yes, his "hard to get" style does get under my skin and make me like him a bit more. If he were calling me 50 times (like some others do) I would be less interested. So...the old hard to get game does work.

We're supposed to see each other tomorrow night. I find myself hoping and hoping we will. I actually find myself thinking about kissing him again. Whew...nice kisser.

In the past, I'd be crushing on him a bit by now. I find I am enjoying the ride though and if this phase lasts for months it will be a lovely distraction. If it lasts forever it will still be perfect for me. No pressure. No promises. No obligations. I never thought that would be me but I like it.

I like thinking about our time together. I like wondering when or if I will see him again. I like feeling the hope.

Last night I sent Jeff an IM. It thanked him for letting me go and I told him we could be friends now because I was truly over him. I had let him go. I believe it too.

We'll see. Tonight I am being put to the test. I am going to cook dinner at my old house and watch Survivor and Grey's Anatomy with Jeff. Friends only. Convenient since I never get to cook anymore and have no TV to watch here yet (cable is taking forever). Will he keep it safe or will I be tested on my resolve.

When I leave tonight, will I come home and blog about still loving him? Will I blog about hating him? Will I blog about it being just friendly?

It is too soon to test myself this way...but the dinner and tv are appealing. What is the worst that could happen? I could be sad again? Then I know, right? I know I need to stay away from him entirely since seeing him could send me backwards.

Will I step forward or back tonight?

My prediction is that it will be uneventful. Jeff won't bother with me and I won't bother with him. My hope is that it's friendly.

We'll see.