Water, Water Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink
So, my sexual frustration continues...
I know I am reasonably attractive. I know I am sexually desirable. Men in my life have always been interested in sleeping with me.
So WHY has it been 3 weeks?
In the grand scheme of things, you probably think 3 weeks isn't very long. For me it's an eternity. I have a very high sex drive and by now I am frothing at the mouth (as my Friday night experience surely demonstrated).
I talked to my darling, darling Todd last night. Todd lives in OK. We met 10 years ago on the internet and have been best friends ever since. We're a rare internet success story. We met playing an online role playing game that we both went on to become GameMasters at (read staff) and we met in person at a convention after a year of taling almost nightly. There has never been anything romantic between us, but we are as close as two people can be without being together in person.
Todd has a longtime g/f now but was a bachelor for a long time. In the course of 10 years, we did have phone sex one crazy night. Also, at different points in those 10 years we have professed love for each other, never at the same time, but it's there. I think it's more of an extension of the friendship than love but during weak moments we have talked about it. I can remember the last time when he told me he was in love with me. There's definite genuine love between us, but the friendship is so much more to us both.
I told Todd the details of my Friday sexless slut date night and he offered advice, commiserated and generally made me feel much better.
Todd told me that if we lived close, he would absolutely fuck me. I laughed. A year ago I would have been all over that. Now, I feel like I have grown up. I told Todd we could never do that. I'm on the rebound and not relationship material and there could never be a "fuck" between us. With 10 years and all of our love, it would undoubtedly be something more meaningful and ultimately that would fuck up our friendship. There could never ever be meaningless sex between Todd and I.
Still, he pointed out to me that instead of being a failure as a slut Friday, I should look at it as a score - two men wanted me bad. Sure, it didn't happen, but he wants me to see the bright side. I was responsible for at least 2 major erections.
I've pinpointed Mark as my first post-Jeff sexual breakthrough. As much as I just want to get laid I also have to admit that I've grown as a person. I'm not really wanting to screw a random guy. I want chemistry, attraction and a casual datable candidate. Someone I can see from time to time. Someone not married or attached. Mark fits the bill.
Todd was surprised by how guarded I have become. On paper, Mark is perfect for me, but I am not going to open myself up to any kind of relationship anytime soon. Date me. Fuck me. Call me. Intrigue me. But if you want to "go steady" I am NOT your girl. Sure, I might like someone enough to see only them in theory...but don't ask me to make a promise. I'm not believing in promises these days.
Nor am I willing to open up and talk about myself with a guy. I've never in my life been "guarded" but I think it's a pro and not a con. No one is getting close enough to hurt me again. I like Mark. If he were to stop calling I would be disappointed, but nothing more. That's exactly how I like it. That's exactly how I want to keep it.
I'm still in Jeff detox. Todd pointed out that I am not over him even if I have let him go and I am committed to getting over him. Probably true. But I make progress every day.
If Jeff showed up in the pouring rain with tears down his face, roses and apologies on his knees telling me what a fool he has been I would pity him at best and would accept the apology but still refuse to get anywhere near him. He is toxic to me and I'm not ingesting that fool again. I no longer dream of him fixing himself and coming back to me - at best it would only ever be a temporary fix and he's never ever going to have a chance to hurt me again. No one has ever hurt me like that and no one ever will again.
I'm somewhat enjoying being on my own, even despite the lonely times. I'd like a full dance card but - again - no one looking for a relationship.
Mark is playing it smooth with me. Keeps me wanting more, knows when to call and when to back off, works me up...I have to admit that it crossed my mind that he is either playing games or cultivating me for a relationship later. He'll be disappointed either way. I am not relationship material right now. Try me in a year or so.
My dreams have changed too. I spent yesterday shopping (I really MUST stop that) and then
read a book in the park for awhile.
I know I am reasonably attractive. I know I am sexually desirable. Men in my life have always been interested in sleeping with me.
So WHY has it been 3 weeks?
In the grand scheme of things, you probably think 3 weeks isn't very long. For me it's an eternity. I have a very high sex drive and by now I am frothing at the mouth (as my Friday night experience surely demonstrated).
I talked to my darling, darling Todd last night. Todd lives in OK. We met 10 years ago on the internet and have been best friends ever since. We're a rare internet success story. We met playing an online role playing game that we both went on to become GameMasters at (read staff) and we met in person at a convention after a year of taling almost nightly. There has never been anything romantic between us, but we are as close as two people can be without being together in person.
Todd has a longtime g/f now but was a bachelor for a long time. In the course of 10 years, we did have phone sex one crazy night. Also, at different points in those 10 years we have professed love for each other, never at the same time, but it's there. I think it's more of an extension of the friendship than love but during weak moments we have talked about it. I can remember the last time when he told me he was in love with me. There's definite genuine love between us, but the friendship is so much more to us both.
I told Todd the details of my Friday sexless slut date night and he offered advice, commiserated and generally made me feel much better.
Todd told me that if we lived close, he would absolutely fuck me. I laughed. A year ago I would have been all over that. Now, I feel like I have grown up. I told Todd we could never do that. I'm on the rebound and not relationship material and there could never be a "fuck" between us. With 10 years and all of our love, it would undoubtedly be something more meaningful and ultimately that would fuck up our friendship. There could never ever be meaningless sex between Todd and I.
Still, he pointed out to me that instead of being a failure as a slut Friday, I should look at it as a score - two men wanted me bad. Sure, it didn't happen, but he wants me to see the bright side. I was responsible for at least 2 major erections.
I've pinpointed Mark as my first post-Jeff sexual breakthrough. As much as I just want to get laid I also have to admit that I've grown as a person. I'm not really wanting to screw a random guy. I want chemistry, attraction and a casual datable candidate. Someone I can see from time to time. Someone not married or attached. Mark fits the bill.
Todd was surprised by how guarded I have become. On paper, Mark is perfect for me, but I am not going to open myself up to any kind of relationship anytime soon. Date me. Fuck me. Call me. Intrigue me. But if you want to "go steady" I am NOT your girl. Sure, I might like someone enough to see only them in theory...but don't ask me to make a promise. I'm not believing in promises these days.
Nor am I willing to open up and talk about myself with a guy. I've never in my life been "guarded" but I think it's a pro and not a con. No one is getting close enough to hurt me again. I like Mark. If he were to stop calling I would be disappointed, but nothing more. That's exactly how I like it. That's exactly how I want to keep it.
I'm still in Jeff detox. Todd pointed out that I am not over him even if I have let him go and I am committed to getting over him. Probably true. But I make progress every day.
If Jeff showed up in the pouring rain with tears down his face, roses and apologies on his knees telling me what a fool he has been I would pity him at best and would accept the apology but still refuse to get anywhere near him. He is toxic to me and I'm not ingesting that fool again. I no longer dream of him fixing himself and coming back to me - at best it would only ever be a temporary fix and he's never ever going to have a chance to hurt me again. No one has ever hurt me like that and no one ever will again.
I'm somewhat enjoying being on my own, even despite the lonely times. I'd like a full dance card but - again - no one looking for a relationship.
Mark is playing it smooth with me. Keeps me wanting more, knows when to call and when to back off, works me up...I have to admit that it crossed my mind that he is either playing games or cultivating me for a relationship later. He'll be disappointed either way. I am not relationship material right now. Try me in a year or so.
My dreams have changed too. I spent yesterday shopping (I really MUST stop that) and then
read a book in the park for awhile. I went to my aunt's house again for dinner (I am starting to really love that) and I realized I envy her life.
She has a charming, cute little house that I love. She has her dog (a yellow lab) that I love. She is alone also but her life looks really complete to me.
Most of you know I consider myself an orphan. My mother is...well, ALSO mentally ill and has nothing to do with me, my father is my boss and beyond that has nothing to really do with me.
...and my stepfather? (Well, ex-stepfather...) - the one I am living with right now? Last night, he checked out my ass. I swear to god. This man prctically raised me and I bent over to get something from my purse while talking to him and just happened to glance back mid-conversation and there is no question as to where he was looking. Yes, he was drunk - as usual - but it still gave me a cold chill.
My aunt is really there for me right now and I feel like she is my family. I'm loving Sunday's with her and I think she is too. She gets to cook and we watch tv or just chat.
All in all, life is going on. The good, the bad and the ugly but still worthwhile. Why did I ever think life ended with Jeff's love dying? Life only begins there. I grew up, I learned a hell of a lot and while I don't owe that motherfucker any thanks for how horribly he hurt me - I am glad to be moving on.
Meanwhile, I need more men on my dance card. I wonder where to find them???
Oh...yes. and I need to get laid.
I had a vivid dream last night. It was confusing but two key elements stayed with me. As I always do, I checked them out on Dream Moods for meaning...
Tiger: In my dream, this tiger was sitting by the door of a house I was at. I was surprised to see it. The tiger was enamored with me. If would growl at me if I tried to ignore it or move away and insisted on rubbing against me and seemed charmed by me. I sensed that it really liked me and would attack if I tried to move away. It wanted to be stroked, played with and paid attention to. The meaning?
Tiger: To see a tiger in your dream, represents power and your ability to exert it in various situations. The dream may also indicate that you to take more of a leadership role. Alternatively, the tiger represents female sexuality, aggression, and seduction.
Ok, Captain Obvious...I get it. Sexually frustrated.
and...
Helicopter: To see a helicopter in your dream, represents your ambition and achievements. You are in full pursuit of your goals.
I'll buy that one...I do feel like I am finally on a good path.
Amazing to realize a good path is one that does not include Jeff (Dickhead).
Jeff's still a sinking ship and I am watching from the shore. I don't even think he realizes all the ways he is fucking up. He's behaving like a complete idiot and his maturity level dropped 40 years to fetus status. He went from being a man I would be hot for to a man I would jokingly refer to as a big loser. I hope he keeps it up. Him being unattractive to me really is helping me move on.
I miss sleeping beside him. I miss being in a relationship with him. I miss kissing him. I miss knowing he was on his way home at 5. All of these things, I miss.
But I do not miss him.
At all.
Really. I know you may be dubious, but I swear....I can admit to missing everything but him. He's a major fuck-up, mentally ill, premature ejaculating loser and he would have to grow up about 20 years to be remotely appealing to me these days...and by then he'd be too old. It's tragic. It would be like watching George Clooney get fat and bald and develop a drinking problem/drug addiction. Such a waste...
Jeff has regressed to frat boy personna and it's sad because he was there and on his way to being a great man. Now he is so far away I doubt he can ever get back his charms.
I know he can't get me back and he had the easy advantage of being the man I loved. Mostly, I just feel disappointed in him. It seems like such a waste. If he were still Jeff that I loved, I might be pining for him....and I am sure women would be lusting for him. Instead he is Jackass-Jeff and from what I see....I am not the only woman who thinks he is a loser.
She has a charming, cute little house that I love. She has her dog (a yellow lab) that I love. She is alone also but her life looks really complete to me.
Most of you know I consider myself an orphan. My mother is...well, ALSO mentally ill and has nothing to do with me, my father is my boss and beyond that has nothing to really do with me.
...and my stepfather? (Well, ex-stepfather...) - the one I am living with right now? Last night, he checked out my ass. I swear to god. This man prctically raised me and I bent over to get something from my purse while talking to him and just happened to glance back mid-conversation and there is no question as to where he was looking. Yes, he was drunk - as usual - but it still gave me a cold chill.
My aunt is really there for me right now and I feel like she is my family. I'm loving Sunday's with her and I think she is too. She gets to cook and we watch tv or just chat.
All in all, life is going on. The good, the bad and the ugly but still worthwhile. Why did I ever think life ended with Jeff's love dying? Life only begins there. I grew up, I learned a hell of a lot and while I don't owe that motherfucker any thanks for how horribly he hurt me - I am glad to be moving on.
Meanwhile, I need more men on my dance card. I wonder where to find them???
Oh...yes. and I need to get laid.
I had a vivid dream last night. It was confusing but two key elements stayed with me. As I always do, I checked them out on Dream Moods for meaning...
Tiger: In my dream, this tiger was sitting by the door of a house I was at. I was surprised to see it. The tiger was enamored with me. If would growl at me if I tried to ignore it or move away and insisted on rubbing against me and seemed charmed by me. I sensed that it really liked me and would attack if I tried to move away. It wanted to be stroked, played with and paid attention to. The meaning?
Tiger: To see a tiger in your dream, represents power and your ability to exert it in various situations. The dream may also indicate that you to take more of a leadership role. Alternatively, the tiger represents female sexuality, aggression, and seduction.
Ok, Captain Obvious...I get it. Sexually frustrated.
and...
Helicopter: To see a helicopter in your dream, represents your ambition and achievements. You are in full pursuit of your goals.
I'll buy that one...I do feel like I am finally on a good path.
Amazing to realize a good path is one that does not include Jeff (Dickhead).
Jeff's still a sinking ship and I am watching from the shore. I don't even think he realizes all the ways he is fucking up. He's behaving like a complete idiot and his maturity level dropped 40 years to fetus status. He went from being a man I would be hot for to a man I would jokingly refer to as a big loser. I hope he keeps it up. Him being unattractive to me really is helping me move on.
I miss sleeping beside him. I miss being in a relationship with him. I miss kissing him. I miss knowing he was on his way home at 5. All of these things, I miss.
But I do not miss him.
At all.
Really. I know you may be dubious, but I swear....I can admit to missing everything but him. He's a major fuck-up, mentally ill, premature ejaculating loser and he would have to grow up about 20 years to be remotely appealing to me these days...and by then he'd be too old. It's tragic. It would be like watching George Clooney get fat and bald and develop a drinking problem/drug addiction. Such a waste...
Jeff has regressed to frat boy personna and it's sad because he was there and on his way to being a great man. Now he is so far away I doubt he can ever get back his charms.
I know he can't get me back and he had the easy advantage of being the man I loved. Mostly, I just feel disappointed in him. It seems like such a waste. If he were still Jeff that I loved, I might be pining for him....and I am sure women would be lusting for him. Instead he is Jackass-Jeff and from what I see....I am not the only woman who thinks he is a loser.
1 comment:
Other than the sexual frustration thing, you seem to be detoxifying very nicely. What a difference a week makes. I hope that your road to recovery is speedy.
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