Just a Small Breath

I'm finding myself able to take small breaths now. If moving out and ending things with Jeff nearly killed me inside, then my body is finally showing signs of coming back to life.

Just small breaths.

For starters, my feelings for Jeff are changing. I still love him (I always will) but I'm letting go more each day. I look at him now and think He's a mess...and he is. He's so unfocused and scattered and manic right now that I can't fathom how he can not see what he is doing to himself. I love him. I care. But I can honestly say today that if some miracle occured and he asked me back I would have to take it VERY slow with him. I know one day I will say that if he asked me back the answer would be HELL NO, but for now - realizing I would not "run" back to him is a step. I would not move back in with him. I would not sleep with him (definitely NOT right now and if ever the day came again he would have to be tested for everything in the world first and then triple wrap that package!) I would not commit to him. I'm in a place where I have enough distance to see the wreck he is and it's more of a wreck than I can ever manage to put in my life. Again, I know that the day will come where I won't want him at all but for now, it's progress to realize I would require him to (1) get his life back in order (2) prove himself to me and (3) get HELP for the mental issues.

Progress. Don't knock it. I'm working on it.

I think I am leaning towards a job change. I realize that what I miss right now is not Jeff, but having someone to talk to. I need to be surrounded by people, co-workers, friends, etc - and working from home (alone) and having sacrificed my friends at the altar of Jeff I am very very much alone.

That's what hurts.

There's some really promising guys chatting me up but to be honest, I still feel like I am not ready for dating. I would love to have someone to care about me and romance me but I dont feel capable of returning the favor at this moment and I don't feel ready to let anyone get that close to me.

That's one lesson Jeff has left marked on me.

In the past, I was an open book. I shared everything with anyone. I let everyone inside me - heart, head, confidence - and today I am very guarded. If someone is at all interested in me or kind to me I immediately feel the door slam inside of me as I wait to determine their integrity and intentions. You, my dear bloggies, are the only ones I confide in these days. Jeff no longer reads my blog so it's just you and me.

Which brings me to another thing - thank you. I noticed my old odd wife email had many new messages and when I opened it - there you all were! Women in the exact same situations, well-wishers and old friends. I hate myself just a little for saying this, but it was the first time in a long time I felt cared about. There were about 19 emails over the past few days and you can't imagine how much I wished you guys were here locally so I could have a drink with you, talk and just meet you all. If I were a wealthy woman you would all be getting South Florida vacations for Christmas to come see me.

I dusted off my resume and it's looking rough. Great skills/too many job changes. I hope I can get in the door somewhere because human interaction would be a lifesaver for me.

I am very, very lonely. Very.

I have Taylor but that's it. I can't exactly dump my thoughts on her or drag her all over town entertaining myself when she has school and her own life. Brad indulges me about once a day. I have a few people I talk to on the phone, but to be honest - what I need more than anything is to get up 5 days a week, dress cute, show up and be forced to interact with a group of people every day. I need consistant human interaction. I don't even have to like them - I just need them there. I need to see the same faces. I need someone just once to ask how my weekend was. I need someone to say my name. I need people.

I have come to realize that my pain is primarily in this place and not in Jeff. That's an interesting revelation. Did I love him as much as I thought?

(yes. i am an idiot.)

It's more than meeting people in a bar or online. I need people that I know I will see regularly.

Something tells me that this is my next step.

Ok, so - what's up with Jeff? I don't know much, but I suspect a lot. I think my prediction is coming true. I think he is on the brink of falling apart. I feel like he is driving 110 mph in the dark with no headlights on a winding road in the wrong lane and it's not a matter of if he will crash and burn but when. I would be lying if I didn't admit there was some small satisfaction in that but I would also be a liar to say I don't care. I do. I want him to have a great life. I just wish he'd stuck it out with our great life and not let go of the reigns. At this point, he is so far removed from me that he can never just walk back into my life. And frankly, the amount of work he'd have to do to earn his way back in is beyond his capabilities. He is lost to me.

Taylor asked me if Brad and I would get back together. No. But I do like him. We're still close. We're taking Taylor together to the Christmas boat parade this weekend.

Ah, Christmas.

Read my previous blogs - Christmas means so much to me. Just not this year. I have no tree. I have no decor. I have one gift that I bought for Brad and one for Taylor - both bought before the bottom dropped out of my life. I had several gifts for Jeff and I returned them all but one. A CD he wanted that I gave to him last weekend.

I had not intended to see Jeff at all today. I wanted today to be the first day I did not have to see him. Didn't work. When I drove Taylor the 30 minutes to her bus stop in our old community, we got there early and I drove down out street. The trash men were behind me and Jeff is notorious for not remembering to put it out. I knew it needed to go because the whole house stunk last night and I drove past to see if it was out. As I did, the garage door raised and out he stumbled in his bath robe. I basically said hi and drove away - pissed that we'd run into each other.

I have to go into the house to get some ebay stuff out tonight and I am counting on him to not come home while I am there. I don't expect him to, but you never know.

If I feel lonely, I suspect he feels it too. Jeff seems determined to bang every woman in Broward county these days. He said I was the one who encouraged him to see "many people" but he's missing the point that he needs time to work on himself and his issues. He's incapable of being anything but trouble for anyone he encounters right now. I suspect he is afraid to be alone.

He should be.

I may be living in what equates to an overcrowded storage space with my daughter and I may be hurting and alone but I can easily see that I am on a positive path.

I'm trying, guys...