Bah Humbug

Is it Christmas?

I hadn't noticed.

We have no tree. I have no gifts. I expect no gifts. We have no room for a tree.

I have no one to spend the holiday with. Taylor will be with her dad. I'm hoping like hell some movie theater will be open and I can spend the day watching movies all day (NO holiday films).

I have no Christmas spirit. I bought Taylor a few small gifts. That's the extent of the holiday for me. It hurts. I'm sad. I received ONE Christmas card and it was to both me and Jeff from our realtor who wished us a Merry Christmas together in our new home together. I cried when I saw it.

Moving on...

Last night with Jeff was fine. Friendly. No one crossed any lines. It was relaxed and ambivalent.

Tonight I have my date with Mark. If nothing else, I am hoping for another great kiss. :)

A local popular radio show in South Florida is holding a parade in my "new" city tomorrow. I'm a fan of the show and the DJ was griping that no one had mentioned coming. I emailed him to tell him I would be there and explained that I had just come out of a painful breakup and this would really be the only holiday thing I did. He asked me to stop by and say hi and assured me that looking at my picture I would not be alone for long. That was nice. :) He's a local celebrity, so it perked my spirits a bit.

I told him thanks and asked him to send the single and SANE men my way.

I'm emotionally over Jeff. The space has been enlightening. I miss being in a relationship with hopes and dreams of a future, but I don't miss Jeff anymore. He's an asshat. I did wonder if he would try to put a move on me last night to fill his apparent desperate/horny side and I am confident that if he had - I would have flat out rejected him for it. I think he knew that. I made it clear I was over him before I came over so no harm, no foul.

I'm still sad. I'm excited about my date...sad to not be in a relationship with someone I love.

I miss what I thought I had with Jeff. I have all these memories of us together and now I look back on them all and they seem like something I must have imagined. Surely we never were happy, were we? It was all a lie, after all. What were those moments?

When love ends this way, it shatters happy memories. I see only fragments of them now and they all seem like some illusion I was stupid enough to believe in. Every laugh, every look, every touch...all some grand scheme by a madman who used me to move on with his life until he could get his divorce finalized.

I wish I had the last year back.