The Choice of Love

A girlfriend and I had a deep conversation this morning about the choice of love. She argues that love is a choice and I argue that it is not.

If I had the choice, I would choose not to love Jeff. I would accept that he is a terrible person who lies, cheats, manipulates and hurts women for sport and I would set myself free from feeling anything but disgust for him.

There is no choice.

If it were an option, I would have him surgically removed from my life. I would hypnotize him out of my head. I would sign up for any medical or mental procedure that could gurantee I would feel nothing for him.

There is no choice. I love him, I can hate him and love him at the same time. But the love always thrives.

Jeff walked in around 9:30 last night and I knew the moment he walked in that he had been drinking. He had gone to his son's Christmas Pageant and when he didn't come home I knew he was out drinking.

He walked in, disheveled and went straight to bed. He was polite, but I could tell it was faked.

His anxiety levels are sky-high. He tossed and turned all night and kept me awake most of the night. Around 4 am I asked if he wanted to talk and he said no.

I'm sure the anxiety levels are related to his name and his girlfriend's name bringing my old blog up on google. However it came about, it just put an expiration date on his lies with her. If or when she discovers it, she will become aware of many lies he's told her. He can admit it to her now or wait for her to find it but either way, the future has been set and the question is would she accept him?

I know Jill is not the only girl. There are many others. Women from his past, new women, whatever - Jill is just his "main" girl for the moment.

Anxiety tears Jeff up and I do feel badly for that. As much as I would like Jeff to stop his own madness and work on improving himself,

When Jeff and I split, I suspect a lot of it was lies. I ended the relationship with him after issuing him what boils down to an ultimatum...get help or I can not be with you. He chose to not get help.

Perhaps that was just an easy exit for him to be free. At the time, I wanted so much to fight for him.

It's egotistical of me to say this, but I swear I am not an egotistical person - I know Jeff. I know him in ways no one else ever has or will. I know him better than he knows himself. Yes, he has a mental disorder. But I have seen him try to face it. I've seen him make an effort.

He said he wanted to make himself a better person. He's not doing that at all. Instead, he's lying to more women, sleeping around with several women and basically just letting himself run wild.

He doesn't come home. He doesn't take care of himself. he drinks more now than I've ever seen. He barely sleeps. He's running wild. In no way, shape or form is he trying to fix the problems that continue to plague him - he's just avoiding them again.

Ok, this next part is going to be hard to write.

It takes a woman with an incredibly strong heart and very strong love to be able to stand by Jeff. You do so knowing there will be pain. You do so knowing it will always be a struggle. You do so knowing you will have to always reach him and communicate to him in ways he can understand to keep him focused.

Somehow, I lost him along the way. For a time, I had him and our connection was strong. He was faithful to me for a time. He was focused. He just lost it.

Jeff has the ability, despite his issues, to be the most incredible man in the world. With his gifts, he could excel to the highest heights. But his weakness for not controlling himself will always set him back. It's very simple - to be the man he dreams of being, Jeff needs someone who loves him enough and understands him in such a way that she can help him control himself. She has to give up the idea of a normal relationship and understand that to really be Jeff's partner means reading him like a book and calling him on his bullshit and fighting to keep him focused. It's like parenting a troubled child in some ways. You have to stay one step ahead. You have to be prepared to have the "hard talks" and pull him back on track. You have to know the signs of an oncoming episode and find a way to focus him and then fight to keep him focused.

Being the best partner for Jeff is a full time job. You have to put his needs first because when his needs aren't met, he loses focus. You have to work by his side to acheive his goals because he can only stay focused when his goals are met. Essentially you have to have the same goals he has.

I did have the same goals. We both wanted Jeff to be a huge success. I screwed up in the latter part by not making sure his needs were fully met and working by his side more to achieve his goals.

The ideal partnership with Jeff would be to work directly with him in business and in the home as both lover, friend, business partner, personal assistant and caregiver. If you can "manage" Jeff he can soar to amazing heights. But as much as Jeff needs some free reign, he still needs to be managed and focused. You have to be strong enough to not only keep him organized and focused, but to fill in his gaps. When he is weak, you have to be stronger. You have to become a part of him to such an extent that it's like one well-oiled machine. When he misses a step, you have to be right behind him to keep the walk smooth. When one intricate piece falls, the entire machine begins to fail.

In that sense, I failed Jeff. I was still learning and figuring it out. It's not so much controlling Jeff as it is keeping him on a smooth course to avoid a disaster. The best way I can describe it is like being a full-time personal assistant. You have to keep him running smoothly and ensure his every need is met so he can stay on track. When one thing falls out of place, he falters and unless you correct it fast, he'll fall off course.

Jeff likes to be in control and you have to let him have that control, but you cannot give up control to him. You have to help him control. You have to be ready to control when he is not. When he is too tired or distracted to face an issue, you have to either handle it for him or you have to reign him in to make him address it.

If I had it all to do over again, I think I would be better at it.

I don't believe there is another woman alive who would (1) feel such a deep love for him that she would stand beside him and fight by his side (2) be so loving and self-sacrificing as to accept the pain he brings and (3) have the "magical" ability to read him and understand him and communicate with him.

I still believe we belong together. I understand we can't be together but I still believe we are supposed to be together.

Which sucks. Because I deserve better.

I am not some mystical creature who can see into a man's soul. But I see into Jeff's. I see perfection hidden beneath some terrifying darkness. I see this wonderful and incredible man who is at war with himself every day. I know what would be "right" for him even if I can't make him see it. I can't reach him now. I can't help him or save him. I am powerless to do anything but watch.

It would be the greatest waste in history for Jeff to remain in this turmoil. What hides beneath his anxieties, his fears, his demons is a man who is worthy of being admired and adored and a man who is deeply, truly and unconditionally loved by me.

As much as I see the treasure in Jeff - I also believe my love for him is special.

I am not the sort of person who loves unconditionally. If you hurt me, I hurt back. I am a fighter. I am a bit self-centered in my own right. But the love I have for Jeff is the truest thing I have ever known. To love him inspite of himself is incredible. To love him in spite of the things he has done and continues to do to hurt me is unbelievable.

It's not weakness. It's not lowering myself. It's not about money or enabling or anything else.

It's just love. In it's purest, but most painful, form.

I love him. There is no choice.

I may find someone else who makes me happy, but I doubt very much I will love them the way i love Jeff.

It's hard for me to comprehend Jeff's logic. If I was Jeff, if I had all of these personal problems and issues and someone loved me this much in spite of them and wanted nothing more than to stand by my side and help me make my dreams come true - what a fool would I be to let that person go.

If I knew that only one person truly knew me and still loved me this deeply...how could I not want that person by my side?

I don't understand. Maybe for Jeff it is a choice.

For me, it's not. I love him even though I wish I didn't.

Jeff has always underestimated me and continues to do so. The things Jeff doesn't know I've pulled of in the past year would bring him to his knees. Jeff thinks of himself as a manipulator?

He has no idea. I wonder why it never occured to Jeff that part of the reason I understand him and see through him time and time again goes beyond "magic".

It takes one to know one. It's that simple.